Category Archives: Parenting

Dear Mama of Only Little Ones

Ten years ago I found myself in a pretty desperate situation. I had 3 babies in 3 years. For me, yes, it was a desperate time. Now, ten years later, I can smile and look back with gratitude on those years. But, I won’t lie. They were some of the hardest years of my life.

If I could go back and have a little talk with myself 10 years ago, I think these are some of the things I would say to that frazzled mama…

Dear mama with only little ones,

I am not going to tell you to enjoy every moment because they grow so quickly. I’m not going to say it! We all know that to be true, as we reflect back on various stages of our lives, but don’t worry, I’m not actually going to speak those words to you.

Because when you’re in the throes of life with babies and toddlers, each day can feel like a million years. Each moment can leave you breathless and desperate. In my own situation, that third baby in three years left me reeling and struggling with depression that lasted for several years.

What I will tell you is that it’s okay to admit it’s hard. Don’t try to do this on your own. Don’t shy away from others helping you. Let them in. You will be so glad you did. This season is hard and it’s okay to say that out loud.

I will also tell you to talk to your husband. Tell him how hard it is. Tell him how much you need his help. Let this time in your life grow your marriage and not put a strain on it by not communicating. Let your husband in, it’s a good thing for him to know you’re struggling.

I will tell you to get get creative. Take your kids to the park and read a book while the baby naps in the stroller. Hire a mother’s helper for a few hours a week so you can have a few hours of peace. Nap when they nap. Meet another mom at Chick-Fil-A and let the little ones run off all their energy. Sometimes getting out of the house is the hardest thing to do, but usually it ends up being a blessing!

Finally, I will tell you that you are so, so loved. Oh weary mama, you are not alone. You may feel alone and cooped up in your home with no escape. You may even be jealous of your husband getting to leave the house to go to work. {Not that I can relate to that feeling, mind you. grin.} You may wonder why in the world God made you a mama when you feel so inadequate. Oh how many times I’ve cried out to the Lord and asked Him, “WHY, Lord, I cannot do this one more day.”

Sweet mama of only little ones, He hears your cries. He answers your prayers by giving you more of Himself. This season in your life is part of your sanctification process. God is slowly teaching us to put those little people before ourselves. He is slowly stripping us of our selfishness. He is allowing these long days to give us an extra dose of long suffering. He is making you like Jesus, dear one.

You don’t have to be strong or adequate on your own. In our weakness, HIS strength is magnified, HIS strength is made perfect, HE is glorified. This truth gives me such hope. I don’t have to be strong on my own. Praise Him, we have a STRONG Savior.

You may not see what He is doing right at this moment. But, you trust Him because He is faithful. Just like we are busy planting seeds in our children’s hearts, our faithful Father is working away on our hearts as well. I don’t know about you, but I’m so thankful that He isn’t finished with me yet!

Dear “Anonymous,” I Was That Mom

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I received an email from “Anonymous” tonight. She writes:

“I am not sure I want to be a parent some days, much less homeschool. I am very confused…after talking to one mom I want to homeschool, then after talking to one mom I want to do public school again. I am trying to teach my kids using Abeka, but I got very far behind and now am overwhelmed at how much they have missed. I think they are too far behind to be put into public school. I feel horrible that my 5 year old is missing kindergarten and making regular friends. We belong to a church group that meets on Thursdays. It isn’t the same as everyday friends. I am at the end of my rope. Confused, not knowing the right thing to do. I have been praying but don’t see an answer.”

You know, sometimes, I wish there was a giant coffee shop where we could all meet once a week. Because if we could meet once a week, I think we would discover that our struggles are very similar. Even though we live in different circumstances and have unique families, our struggles are common struggles.

Motherhood is challenging. Homeschooling adds a new level to that challenge. I’d love to tell you that there are “5 Easy Steps” to homeschooling or “5 Ways to KNOW” you’ve made the right decision, but there aren’t. However, I can tell you a few things that the Lord has been patiently teaching me over 22 years of parenting. Here are a few of them:

—My family does NOT have to look like ANYONE ELSE’S family. Period. Not in curriculum. Not in parenting. Not in style of dress. Not in the way we eat. We were a unique family. This realization has brought me much freedom—and it is a constant reminder to me of the need I have to be on my knees before the Lord in prayer.

It’s a daily surrender. Sometimes, I must wait for an answer. It rarely comes quickly.

—Whenever I feel “horrible” about a social situation (for example, I might wonder about my children missing out on ‘regular’ school or missing out on a movie that another of their peers was allowed to watch), then it is a sure sign that I am being motivated by guilt rather than being led by the Spirit.

Yes, we need to change our minds sometimes. But more often than not, this “mommy guilt” is simply unnecessary emotional tyranny. Whenever I am not nourishing my spirit, I open myself up it. Busy mom, give yourself time to think and pray when you feel this tug. Often, a conversation with your husband and time with the Lord will give you the peace you are seeking.

—Curriculum can be a terrible task-master. By this, I mean that if our curriculum is pushing us so hard that we can’t enjoy the learning process, it’s probably time to find another curriculum, or seek to modify the one we are using. Some moms flourish under curricula like the one you mention. Others have found that a different approach suits them better. Be open to a new approach.

Remember, you’re never as “far behind” as you think you are. Breathe. Your worst day of teaching at home is likely better than you judge it to be. Your investment will go farther than you think it will. It will have an impact for eternity. So slow down. Build relationships with your children, especially while they are young. It is foundational to who they are going to become.

—Homeschooling should not make you an island. Find a homeschool co-op or support group. If your church does not have a support system for you, consider finding one that does. We NEED each other. Period. Find your people.

—The growing years are short. Five-year-olds need their mom more than they need a social network. I’m not suggesting that they don’t need friends; far from it! Rather, I’m suggesting that YOU need friends, too. Find moms who have children of similar ages. Plan play dates and go to the library and zoo together. This will give you and your child a social outlet.

Finally, plant with the harvest in mind. What do you want to see in your adult children? I know it’s hard to imagine at this stage, but in just a few short years, if you persevere, you will be encouraging a mom who is where you are right now.

I know. I was that mom.

The best homeschooling advice I ever received from another mom had very little to do with an action. It was about an attitude. She encouraged me to be confident in who God has called me to be.

So let me encourage you: Be real. Love your kids. Teach them. Be flexible. Be honest. Find support. Trust that the results of the investment you are making will be worth the sacrifice. And then, commit yourself to becoming the wife and mother you were created to be.

Be encouraged! You can do it. You’ve already been equipped.

In Psalm 16, verse 8, David writes, “I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”

This is the key. If you know that God has called you to homeschool your children, then He has already equipped you for the job. Don’t be shaken. Keep trusting. You’re His, and He’ll never let you go.

Beauty for the Tired Soul

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I am tired. Anyone else tired?

Matthew 11:28 says, “I will give you rest.” I take hold of that verse and cling to the promise of it. This world can be hard and tiresome. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed, but the dog is barking to be let out and the kids are fighting over the remote or expressing their hunger to me. All I want is to crawl under the covers and imagine being alone with only me to take care of, meaning, if I wanted to go back to sleep, I could! Then as I am in my pity party of one, I imagine my life with out my daughters and the emotion of an aching heart overwhelms me. I would miss their kisses and hugs and their “I love yous.”

I might want to go back to sleep to feel more rested, but I am needed. I am loved. That is enough for me to crawl out of bed, let the dog out, break up a fight and get breakfast started. I believe that one day I will get my rest, but for now in the midst of motherhood, rest isn’t part of the equation. I can’t stop and dwell on all the house work that needs to get done, the dog that needs bathed, the beds that need made, the toys that need to be put away, the toilets that need cleaning, the dishes that need to be washed or the endless amount of laundry that can’t fold itself. I can’t focus on the fact that I am a “single” mom or how hard life is for me at times. If I dwell on the work that needs to be done or my state of singleness, I get tired. And when I get tired I lose what I should be focusing on – Jesus – the very source from which my restfulness comes.

As I run towards the cross of Jesus I am reminded of His love for me. The Bible is full of encouraging truths from God that are meant to lift our spirits and guide us when we are absolutely “tired.” Our rest can be found in the grace that God showed us at the cross. Sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally… or both, but just knowing what he has done gives me the desire to show that same love without boundaries to my children and others around me.

“My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation. He is my fortress I will never be-shaken.” (Psalms 62:1-2)

Just reading that verse boosts my spirit and opens my eyes a little wider to the peace promised to me through the cross.

So I encourage you in your busy schedules and unclean homes to take to heart the promise that rest is not found in the amount of sleep you get or how many vacations we take. Rest is found in our Creator. It sounds easier said than done, I agree. However, if we try and make it a focus point in our lives then it will turn into a habit of always seeking our peace and rest from the Lord in whom we put our trust.

“You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” (Isaiah 26:3)

I will keep praying for peace and rest for all of us who feel tired and unmotivated to crawl out of bed. I pray we hold tight to the truth of God found in his word and I pray that together we can encourage and love on those who need to be lifted up in spirit. We are not called to walk this journey alone, thank goodness for that. So get up with a smile on your face, you are needed and loved.

From my heart to yours,

Hilary

What Parents of Prodigals Need to Know

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My daughter’s eyes shifted nervously, avoiding my gaze, as she threw her clothing and makeup haphazardly into her suitcase.

She would be 18 in a few days and had made clear her intentions – get out of our house and get out fast.

Homeschooled her whole life and an easy going, cheerful child, there had been little to prepare me for what was happening, and try as I may to dissuade her, she was determined to go.

That was 3 years ago. That daughter is now happily married and joyfully back in our family. I’m not going to lie, it has been a long, hard road with many heart breaks and hurts along the way.

Have you ‘done everything right’ and still had a child jump ship? You are not alone!

I walked around with my head hanging in shame for months after our daughter left, believing that it was my neglect of some aspect of her education or upbringing that had caused all of this. Surely it was my fault that she rejected our family and our beliefs! I wracked my brains at night, unable to sleep, as I relived the key moments of her life.

Did she eat too much junk food, too many carbs, too much protein or not enough? Did she watch the wrong TV shows and movies, or were we too strict? Was our theology wrong? Were we too legalistic or too liberal? Did we miss some other critical opportunity in her life?

The answer to these questions is yes, and no. There is no perfect parent. We surely made many mistakes along the path. But that is not why our daughter rebelled.

Adam and Eve did have a perfect parent. They had the perfect environment and the most accurate theology possible – received straight from the mouth of God! And they still rebelled.

You see, your child, like Adam and Eve, has free will. Oh, they know the truth, you have taught them well. They know the truth and they have chosen to rebel, just like every other person, including you and me.

Your child may blame you for their poor decisions, but ultimately the decisions are their own.

There are two things that I have learned from being the parent of a prodigal. There are lots actually but we’ll save those for another day.

Keep your focus on Jesus. Take your eyes off of your child, your parenting and the hurt you are feeling and put them on Jesus. Get on your knees and get in the Word. God will use this experience to refine you, dear mama! By staying close to God and listening for His guidance, the lessons are learned much quicker than if we are kicking and screaming the whole way.

I wasted a lot of time worrying, blaming myself and thinking about what others thought of me during those three years. I had trouble remembering that God was working all of our experiences for the good. He wants us to check our hearts, to be sure, but He is kind and gracious. It is our enemy that wishes for this to tear our family apart.

Our earthly struggles are not to bring shame, they are to bring wisdom and humility and to prepare us to encourage others with the encouragement that we ourselves have received.

What God wants from us is that we learn to walk by faith, not by sight. Do you believe that God is in total control of your situation?

This kind of faith only comes through testing. A faith not tested is a faith not true. Being refined is not comfortable nor is it enjoyable. Take it from me, however, as we wrestle with our doubts and fears, God will faithfully bring us to a place of quiet rest – in Him.

Give God the driver’s seat. This next lesson is difficult to share but I pray that God will use it for good. God used the pain and humility of having a prodigal child to show me how I had created an idol out of our homeschool and parenting methods. I was so sure that we were ‘doing it’ right, that we had cracked the code of parenting. Our kids were doing great, our marriage was strong. This, my friends, is a recipe for disaster.

As parents, especially homeschooling, Christian parents, it can be too easy to think we have discovered the correct way to produce good kids. Don’t get me wrong. I’m a huge proponent of the benefits of Christian home education. But there is no formula for raising kids.

Somehow, after surviving the first few years of homeschooling, I assumed I had it all figured out and all but stopped asked God for direction. Instead of thinking how great we were for raising good kids and having a strong marriage, we should have been thanking God for these blessings. Every good thing comes from God.

I know that in our family, God has used our trials in many ways for great good. Without them we surely would have kept on doing things in the way that seemed right to us. Our trials caused us to cry out to God for His guidance and direction and the path that he subsequently led us on was far above and beyond what could ever have planned or imagined for ourselves.

Are you in the midst of a parenting crisis? Please let us know in the comments and we will pray for you.

9 Ways to Point Your Teen Daughter to Jesus

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It begins the moment you first lay eyes on her, all cute and cuddly and adorable in that special blanket you picked out for her before she was even born. You’re in love.

Whether it’s the culmination of your own nine months of waiting, or the blessing of adoption, you have been entrusted with the care and nurturing of a sweet little soul. And the gratitude mixed with the responsibility is overwhelming. You know this is not something you can do on your own. Your prayer life increases ten-fold.

She continues to grow in beauty and grace, and you are daily in awe at her innocence, trust and child-faith in all she does, and in the people she knows. Your desire to protect her and cherish her makes you officially, a Mama Bear.

Then it happens, she becomes a “teen”, a “young adult”, a “young woman”. And you’re no longer sure of yourself, and you begin to question every.single.decision. you’ve ever made concerning her upbringing. You start to give in to some fear that she will throw off all you’ve taught her, and become something completely other than you. And, you know what? She does.

And you realize that it was never about any power YOU had, or inspiration YOU provided. If you look to that, you’ll be disappointed. Those are the very things she’ll challenge in those “hard years” (and let’s be honest…they’re hard whether she’s a good girl or a challenge).

What she won’t challenge, and what she will hold on to are all the ways in which you were a witness. In the end, that’s all that will matter. All you can do is point her to Jesus. Over and over and over. She has to see that no matter where she lands, she can look for the signs that point her to Jesus, because you’ve clearly laid those out for her throughout the years.

As moms, we do not have the power to make a heart change in our daughters, but each day we are given the opportunity to point them back to Jesus.

Here are nine ways you can point your teen daughter to Jesus:

Love

Let her see you really loving people, especially those who are unlovable. The ones that don’t look like others in her social group. The ones who are less fortunate than her.

Joy

Let her see you being joyful in all things and in all circumstances. She’ll learn that joy is an inside joy, provided by the Spirit, and not the product of another person or relationship.

Peace

Let her see you trusting in God’s promises, even when times are hard, not fretting over things that are in His hands.

Longsuffering

Let her see you pray over the lost, turn the other cheek when possible, and give it your all for the sake of Christ.

Kindness

Let her see true kindness towards others that isn’t premeditated. Just be nice in front of and behind someone else’s back.

Goodness

Let her see real goodness. The kind that can’t be faked. Let the Lord show you ways to show her His goodness to all, regardless of their past.

Faithfulness

Let her see you read your Bible, and practice what it says. Be a doer of the Word, and not a hearer only.

Gentleness

Let her see you be a lady. This doesn’t mean you have to wear pearls and heels, but all women have a gentleness about them and puppies, bunnies, babies, and people who suffer know this. Find ways to show her that about herself, by finding ways to use your own.

Self-Control

Let her see you take all things in moderation. Choose her over online time, unnecessary commitments. Guard your temper. Be mindful to take care of your body, a temple of the Holy Spirit.

All of this can only come from the Fruit of the Spirit. Galatians 5:22-23:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Let her see that there is no law against such things. And keep pointing her to Jesus.

Disclaimer: You might notice I am a teen boy mom, not a mom to daughters. So why am I writing about daughters? It’s simple really. I am a daughter, and though I am not legally parenting a daughter, I am “Auntie Marcy” to many young girls and teens. So remember sweet moms, even if you are a mom of boys, it’s likely your influence reaches past your own parental responsibility and pours itself over the life of many, including a few teen “daughters of the heart.” The Fruit of the Spirit applies in those situations, too. You are being watched. Be sure you’re pointing them all back to Jesus with a life well-lived to honor Him.

I Have Spit-up in My Shoes—and Other Truths About Motherhood

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There was a time in my life when I thought I had motherhood “figured out.” I think I was in my early twenties. I’m almost sure I had one compliant child as I confidently eyed the course before me.

I was about to high-five myself when the smoke alarm went off in the kitchen. I had been in the bathroom cutting the two-year old’s bangs and apparently, forgot dinner was in the oven. Turning my attention to the smoke-filled kitchen, I left the toddler unattended and —you guessed it—she finished cutting her hair while I was putting a ruined casserole in the sink to cool.

Above the noise of the smoke detector, I heard my daughter’s voice: “Mommy! I’ve made myself more pretty!” Quickly, I turned the box fan on high, opened the doors in the house to air in out and raced back to the bathroom just in time to see the last gorgeous blonde locks of hair falling to the floor.

That’s when I started thinking that maybe, just maybe this motherhood gig was going to be trickier than I imagined. Continue reading →

Six Questions to Get Your Teen Talking

1. How do you think adults see teens in general?

“As young adults who just need more experience”
“Rebellious”
“It varies. Sometimes as immature but also as lucky because they don’thae as many worries.
Maybe even spoiled.”

2. Do you think they see YOU differently than other teens?

“I don’t know.”
“Yes, because I’m not rebellious…well, for the most part.”
“I haven’t thought much about it.”

3. How do you want them to to see you?

“I want them to respect me as a responsible young adult.”
“I want them to see me as a man.”
“A fun guy to hang out with and be around.”

4. What is the most challenging for you at this age?

“Not knowing what the future holds for me. Being frustrated because I don’t know where I’m going yet.
“School sometimes stresses me out because I’m afraid I won’t get through high school if I don’t do well on whatever I’m working on.”
(He’s in 8th grade)
“Not getting distracted while doing my schoolwork, even though I am a focused person.”

5. What could you tell adults that might surprise them?

“That when we challenge adults we actually really are trying to challenge ourselves to be
more grown up. We sometimes mistakenly feel like we shouldn’t be disciplined. Our questions aren’t usually meant to be disrespectful. We are trying to think for ourselves.”
“I forget a lot” (As his mom, I can tell you that I am painfully aware of this)
“There’s more temptation now days to get caught up in screen time and there’s more bad stuff out there that people seem to think is ok to show.”

6. What is the most encouraging things adults can do for you or say to you?

“I like when they tell me I’m doing a good job or compliment me on the things I do, like work”
“Playing basketball with me…oh wait, nevermind, that would just be fun. Okay, answer our questions without getting impatient”
“Any kind of encouragement. Compliment how I’m doing in school. Anytime I’ve done anything well, I like to be told.”

Have you thought about asking your teens some of these questions? Maybe you have some of your own? You may find out you know them better than you thought or that maybe you don’t! My guess is that it will be a little bit of both.

I encourage you to reach out to your teens and let them talk! Just the fact that we want to hear what they have to say makes them feel valuable and kids who feel valued, feel loved.

Heidi St. John

Speaking the Truth in Love