Category Archives: Parenting

Things Not to Say to Moms of Special Needs Kids

In my almost 20 years as the mom of a severely autistic daughter, I’ve been questioned, judged, accepted, ignored, loved, rejected, and just about everything in between! I’ve also learned a lot. One of the things I like to do whenever possible is help and support other moms of special needs kids. But lately, I’ve realized that a great way to help special needs moms is to share some of my own experiences with moms who don’t have special needs kids and who might feel uncomfortable or not know how to react and respond to those of us who do. So today I’m sharing with you a few tips and ideas that I hope will be helpful.

First, please try not to judge us or our children. Thankfully, most people are pretty understanding. There are those, however, who are less than understanding and a few who are downright rude. When my daughter throws a fit in Wal-Mart, it’s not because she’s spoiled. It’s because she has a hard time with crowds, is over-stimulated by all of the products and all of the noise around her, and she isn’t able to tolerate waiting in line very long. But I feel like it’s important for her to go with me now and then because, just like you, I run out of milk and eggs sometimes, and I can’t always find a sitter so I can go to the store. For that reason, she needs to stay in the habit of going with me when it’s absolutely necessary. It’s not much fun for either of us, but it has to happen once in a while.

Second, please don’t act like our kids have the plague. Our kids are people just like other kids even though they may look and act different. We know you’re a little nervous around them because you’re not certain what they may say or do. But it hurts our feelings (and probably our kids’ feelings too) when you intentionally avoid being around us or go the other way when you see us coming. It hurts when we see your nervous stare as we pass by. Can you please just smile as we go by and maybe even say hello? It’s ok to look at us as long as you smile. Really.

Third, please don’t talk to our children like they’re babies (unless, of course, they are babies), but please do talk to them. My daughter is almost 20 years old. Even if you’re not sure, please talk to her as if she understands what you’re saying (she does). She may not respond, but she hears you. Even though she’s non-verbal and won’t answer you, I’m sure she enjoys knowing that you took the time and made the effort to include her in your greeting, and I appreciate it too.

Fourth, it’s ok to ask about our kids, but please be polite. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with your daughter?” which happens more than you might think, please say something more like, “What’s your daughter’s diagnosis?” or, “Does your daughter have a diagnosis?” I don’t mind answering questions about her, but I feel much better about it when I feel like you’re asking in a polite way.

Fifth, there are times when we may have more trouble than usual being cheerful and carrying on with a smile, so please try to be understanding and supportive. For example, our kids’ birthdays can be especially hard for us. When our kids are still getting stuffed animals and blocks for their 16th birthdays, it’s hard for us not to be a little bit sad about it. (I’m not saying that you shouldn’t give our kids those things if that’s what they like. It’s still hard for us, though, to acknowledge that they’re at the stuffed-animals-and-blocks-developmental-level when they’re teenagers.) We’ve dreamed of our children one day being able to do things that are age-appropriate instead of appropriate to their developmental levels, yet we know that day may never come. So if we choose not to make birthdays a big deal or if we seem a little bit sad, just be supportive and kind.

Sixth, please resist the urge to tell us that “God gives special children to special parents.” We appreciate the sentiment, and we know you mean it as a compliment, but most of us don’t believe that God loved us so much that He “zapped” our kids. Yes, God loves us. That’s true! But we don’t believe that He’s showing us how much He loves us by giving our kids life-long physical or mental illnesses. Bad things happen to all of us even though God loves us all very much! Because Adam and Eve sinned and we live in a fallen world, sicknesses and injuries happen. So whether or not you agree, please just don’t say it. Trust me.

Finally, please don’t tell us that you understand. We know you mean well…really we do. But the honest truth is that you don’t understand because you can’t. And that’s ok. We don’t expect you to understand. All we really want is for you to let us cry if we need to. Let us be sad for a while if we need to. Let us know that you love us and that you’re there for us. You can’t take away the heartache or change our circumstances, but you can help us bear them. You can be our friends and love us just as we are. And we will love you for it.

On the inside, most moms just want the best for their children whether they have special needs or not. We moms and our kids are all better off when we support each other, and it’s my prayer that these tips I’ve shared may be helpful.

If you have any tips to share, please leave them in the comments!

An “un-Pinteresting” Summer

Give Them Grace

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grace

ɡrās/
noun

Something that’s given but not deserved;
The free and unmerited favor of God; demonstrated when He sent His son as atonement for my sin

Psst! Scroll down to watch a short video from Heidi!

Grace. It was the last thing on my mind last night when I noticed it was 9:30 p.m. and the kids were still going full-tilt—after I put them in bed for the third time. I just wanted them to go.to.sleep. I’ll be brave and admit that occasionally, I have to muster grace simply to be kind to my husband after an exhausting week of stress and challenge. He wants to come close—but, caught up in my own thoughts and weariness, I see him as “one more thing” on a list that presses me at every side. I push him away. Yeah. I can be awesome like that.

The truth? I have to work to be gracious. My nature is not to extend grace at every opportunity. I wish it was. And yet, God has blessed me with an amazing man to love and honor—and wonder of wonders, He saw fit to entrust us, a couple of kids ourselves, with with seven kids of our own.

It’s daunting to realize that my kids are learning about grace … from me. To be honest, I sometimes wonder if God got the wrong girl. You see, I came to this motherhood thing broken in a thousand ways. I needed healing and grace. In short, I needed Jesus.

Over the past 24 years, God has shown me ten-thousand different kinds of grace. He’s good like that. God, through His son, Jesus, is grace personified. In fact, whenever you read the word grace in the Bible, you can substitute the name of Jesus. What does grace look like? It looks like Jesus. What does it sound like? It sounds like Jesus. Last week, as I sat alone on the floor of my bedroom, I had to ask myself: do I sound like Jesus? What are my children learning of God’s grace from me?

Sometimes, I admit, I don’t sound very much like Jesus to my kids. And honestly? If I can’t get that right, my witness isn’t worth very much. My kids know the “real” me. They will reflect to the world the kind of grace they learn at home. It matters now more than ever—because the world is asking important questions right now.

Christianity is on trial—and that means the very name of Jesus is on trial.

What do our lives say about our Savior’s love and grace?

Do you have a child in need of a special touch? Show her grace. {Jesus}

Have friends let you down? Give them grace. {Jesus}

Are there unwise “friends” on social media driving you crazy? Say grace-filled things, or say nothing. {be Jesus-filled}

You can tell the truth and still be gracious.

We’ve got to know how to give—and receive—grace.

Why? Because God wants us to teach it. To testify. To bear witness to the faithful goodness of God.

Paul understood this. He wrote:

But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. Acts 20:24

He knew his ministry was to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. He knew that grace was the big deal.

The word grace is as over-used as “cool” these days, and I think we’ve forgotten how powerful grace is. Grace is love, personified. Grace is underserved favor poured out over a lost world in the name of Jesus.

If you are not talking about what grace is with your kids, now is the time. We need it big-time in this country right now.

Need some help communicating what grace looks like with your loves? Read stories of grace to them. Kids resonate with stories. Jesus knew this. He used stories to illustrate many things.

Need a place to start? Read with your kids. In Lee Strobel’s book, A Case for Grace for Kids, I found stories of God’s grace. Powerful stories. Ugly-cry stories, if you wanna know the truth. If you have kids ages 9-12, this is a good option for you—but I’ll admit: we read it with our little and not-so-little loves. It’s powerful to hear about the redeeming power of God’s grace.

Give—and receive grace, sweet moms.

You are loved,

PS: Here’s a little shot in the arm for you —a little more on Psalm 127. Don’t mind the noise in the background. It was laundry day and there was a woodpecker at war with my husband. It’s a little crazy, but it’s my life. 🙂

Dear Mamas of Tween Girls

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Last month I shared a letter to you precious mamas of only little ones. This month I have another group of mamas on my heart. Now, let me say this from the get-go: this is NOT me giving you advice. This post comes straight from a mama right in the thick of life with two tween/teen girls. My girls are 13 years old and 12 years old. The last few years have been quite the roller coaster with them, and if I’m honest, they are a roller coaster for the mama, too, it’s not all their fault! {grin}

I used to cry from exhaustion when I had 3 babies in 3 years. These days, I’m crying from well, all the crying. All the emotions. All the ups and downs. All the heartache over ummm, missing white tank tops and leggings that don’t match.

So, while my letter to mamas of only littles came from a heart of empathy because I remember those years oh, so vividly…this post comes from one in the trenches, I’m right here with you and I feel your pain. And theirs.

Dear mama of tween girls,

Just like having 3 babies in 3 years is hard, it’s ok to acknowledge that having tween girls is hard, too. Every parenting stage has its ups and downs. There are such fun things about having your children grow in their independence. There is such a relief when you can leave the house without a diaper bag. There is also sleep deprivation that comes when your kids are older that moms of little ones haven’t experienced just yet. To everything there is a season…

With that being said, I want to encourage you with a few little reminders that I need just as much as the next mama of tween girls. I’m preaching to the choir here, in fact, I may just print out this post and carry it in my pocket with me all day.

Emotions are not the enemy. Oh how many times I have MADE them the enemy, and for that, I have had to apologize and apologize for, time and time again. It’s funny, you see, because I am a very emotional person myself. Highly sensitive and super emotional you might even say. And just like I’m having to accept who God made me to be, even as an adult, I need to be accepting of who God made my tween girls to be. They are in a stage of life where their emotions are on fire so to speak. Everything is magnified. They need our guidance and our grace to grow into all these feelings, to know how to handle the anger, to know how to answer with grace. So, when I treat their emotions like the enemy, in essence, I am treating them like the enemy. And I never want to do that.

Let them be little girls and grown ups all at the same time. My girls still like to color. I love that. But they are also asking about make up and I’m having to shop in new places in clothing stores. This is a tight rope balancing act that I haven’t quite perfected. And, I’m ok with that. What this means is, I’m taking it a day at a time. I’m learning to love explaining to them about lip gloss and not-too-much-eye-shadow. I’m also bursting on the inside when I see them pull out the markers and color a picture. What a tender age. Don’t rush them. Let them be right where God wants them to be.

Grin and bear it. Literally. Sometimes when I want to scream and/or slam the door myself {ahem} I am trying to train myself to smile instead. Seriously. Hardest.thing.ever. But I think it’s the right thing. Sometimes they need a smile or hug from me instead of me telling them how silly their crazy emotions are.

Be mindful of their love language. Tweens and teens still need our affection, our quality time, our words of affirmation, our acts of service and our small tokens/gifts of appreciation and love. Hugs are not quite as easy to come by, but I’m not giving up! Sometimes I just go out of my way to rub their back, pat their shoulder, give them a side hug. I have one child who gives great hugs for a tween and the other who has started backing a way a bit. It makes me sad, but it also issues me a challenge to be intentional and proactive about LOOKING for opportunities to show her love in other ways. This child also does not have affection as her primary love language…so I need to be thinking, what other ways can I show her love? What does she really want? She would prefer a little love note on her pillow or to bake with me in the kitchen.

Stay prayerful. This one should probably go without saying, but I’m throwing it out there because sometimes, in my frustration, I forget to let prayer be my FIRST line of attack and not my last. So often I’m just desperate for God to give me wisdom with my girls, and instead of going to Him about it, I dwell on how bad the situation is or what a terrible mama I must be. In the book of James we are told to go to God for His wisdom! During this stage of parenting, we need Him more than ever!

Stay close to Him, precious mamas. Don’t quit asking for wisdom, humbling yourself and lifting up your children to the Father. He makes all things new, He grants strength in our weakness and He gives us brand new mercies every morning.

Confession: I Have a Comparison Problem

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I have a problem with making comparisons. Sometimes making comparisons can be a good thing, like when one is comparing prices when shopping in order to get the best deal. There are other times when it’s a very bad thing! For example, it’s a bad idea to compare your husband or children to someone else’s. That does not usually turn out well! In those situations, comparisons simply serve to make us feel “less than” someone else, feel sorry for ourselves, and make us look at our circumstances and choose to be unhappy.

I was talking with another mom recently, and she shared that her husband was very unhappy with their teenage daughter. The daughter is very bright, but she just doesn’t apply herself to her school work. She’s also not very motivated when it comes to helping around the house or in the yard. She’s a talented musician, a very creative writer, and a sweet girl who is always polite and kind to others, yet her father isn’t happy with her because he sees other young women her age who make straight A’s and help in the house or yard without being asked. Instead of being thankful for his daughter and the gifts and talents she possesses, he sees what she doesn’t possess.

As I was listening to this mom tell me about her sadness because her husband is so displeased with their daughter, I realized that I often do the same thing! Instead of being thankful for my children and their own unique personalities and talents, I often find myself wishing they were different in one way or another.

For example, my 18-year-old son does not enjoy his school work and really isn’t terribly motivated to make good grades (except that, because we homeschool, he has to redo assignments until I’m satisfied with his work). Over the years, I’ve wished many times that he would do his school work cheerfully and that he might even be able to enjoy it to some degree. Guess what? He’ll graduate from our homeschool next year, and he still doesn’t enjoy doing school. And he still doesn’t really care a whole lot about making good grades—except to keep from doing assignments over again.

But I’ve begun to realize that, although school may never be something he enjoys, I can be proud of him for the other talents he possesses. For example, he’s extremely smart and creative. From the time he was a little guy, about 2 or 3 years old, he could tell you nearly anything you wanted to know about any dinosaur that ever existed. And he could take blocks or Legos and create quite a complicated habitat for his toy dinosaurs.

As he’s gotten older, he’s branched out into building wonderful Lego ships and elaborate space stations. He’s also quite talented at strategy games (both board games and video games). So, while I admit that I would have loved to see him take pride in his school work and be motivated to make good grades, he is definitely talented in other areas and in other ways, and I’m thankful for that.

Isn’t it a good thing God doesn’t decide how much He loves us based on our achievements and talents or any other criteria? He loves my children and me simply because He made each of us! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we were that way? If we could (or would) simply stop worrying about what our children (or we ourselves) don’t have and be thankful for what we do have? If we would stop comparing our husbands or children or houses or cars to others and be grateful instead?

God loves each one of us unconditionally! He loves each one of us simply because He made us! If we never make good grades or go to college. If we never have a job with a fancy title or earn a degree with lots of letters behind it. If we never bring thousands of people to salvation. If we are simply His children living quiet lives of service to Him, that’s enough. If we’re never well-known. If we never make a lot of money. If we simply remain faithful to our husbands and take care of our children and teach them to love Him, it’s enough.

So next time you feel discouraged, remember that God loves you. The next time you feel worthless, remember that you have worth simply because God created you! The next time you wonder if God loves you, remember that He loves you simply because you belong to Him. The next time you wonder if what you’re doing really matters, remember that it does because He gave you your job as wife and mother. And that is enough.

Don’t Make Me Come Up There—And Other Things I Yelled Last Week

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Do you have grumpy children? Me too. The other day, my four year old daughter glared at me. I glared back. We had a stare-down. Yeah. That’s my maturity level sometimes. Honestly? I was just out of grace. I was tired.

The spring sun was shining through the windows, but instead of seeing the sunshine, I saw grime that needed to be cleaned. Fingerprints. Dirt. I looked around me. The kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off under the sink—and dishes, like shrapnel had exploded all over the place. There were dishes in family room, in the office and even on the stairs. I started to clean the mess up, but as I cleaned, my attitude worsened. The kitchen laundry hamper was full of kitchen towels. Schoolbooks were strewn across the kitchen table and someone’s newly acquired newt had taken residence on top of the piano.

I’d love to tell you that I acted perfectly, but I didn’t. I freaked out. I called a meeting. Okay. Not really. I yelled for the kids. “Kids!! Get down here!!” I waited. Nothing. I yelled louder. “Don’t make me come up there!”

In a few minutes, four pairs of eyes were staring at me from the couch. I laid it out so that they would be sure to understand.

“How many times to I have to tell you?? Dishes go here, not there! Look at the family room! It’s a mess! Schoolbooks go back on the shelf! What’s wrong with you??”

They trudged to their assigned chores, whining and complaining.

… “and STOP COMPLAINING!” I wailed.

Probably not my best parenting moment.

It hit me that evening after I put the kids to bed. Weary and discouraged, I had forgotten how truly blessed I was. In so many ways, mothers set the tone at home, and I know it! I speak on this topic all the time, and I was setting the tone alright, but it wasn’t a very nice one. I was being selfish and ungrateful.

There I was, expecting them to help out around the house and not complain—but I was complaining.

I was expecting the kids to joyfully obey me—but I was not joyfully obeying my Father.

If we want our children to be joyful, we need to be joyful. The example starts with us. We light the way for little feet to walk behind us. We can’t give our kids what we don’t have. And while bad days don’t make bad moms, consistent complaining and grumbling will not bring about the righteousness of God that you are trying to instill into your kids.

We need the Lord do to this parenting thing right. Don’t forget to keep drawing from well that will never run dry, busy mom! You can do all things—even hard things—through Christ who gives you everything you need.

Dear USA Presbyterian Church: Read Your Bible

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Years ago, when I was a student at Multnomah University, I had the privilege of sitting under the teaching of Dr. John G. Mitchell. He always used to say, “Don’t you folks ever read your Bibles?” I wish he was still here. He died in 1990 at the age of 97, but I heard him enough to get the message: we need to read and know our Bibles if we’re going to live for Christ in this world.

I am troubled by something I see happening in our churches. Christians, the people who bear the name and image of God, are trending away from the truth of God’s Word and careening toward fear-based living. This generation of Christians is in a full-blown spiritual crisis. We’re listening to everyone but God. We’re not reading our Bibles.

Don’t believe me? Look no further than the USA Presbyterian church (not to be confused with the PCA.) Last week, millions watched as it finally caved into cultural and political peer pressure and fear, turning a blind eye to the Word of God and declaring that God is cool with homosexuality—when His Word, the Bible, clearly states the opposite. And they’re not alone: just weeks ago, controversial former pastor Rob Bell flat out told Oprah Winfrey that the church is “moments away from embracing” gay marriage.

Ummmm. Mr. Bell. Read your Bible. You’re making emotional arguments for spiritual problems. God says this is a sin issue. It’s not up for emotional debate. This is an issue for God alone to decide. And please. Don’t speak for the the Church. (Big “C” here.)

Brother and sisters, read your Bibles! God is not silent on the issues we are facing today. God’s view on sexual sin, including homosexuality, can be clearly seen in the Bible: Romans 1:24-27 Lev 20:13, Leviticus 18:22

While we cannot (and should not) expect the world to understand or apply God’s Word to their lives— surely we can and should expect those who claim the name of Jesus Christ to live by God’s standard. The USA Presbyterian church, in sanctioning homosexuality, is in sin. They’re not reading their Bibles.

Romans 8:5-8 tells us that when we live by our flesh, we have our minds on what our flesh desires. Denominations like the USA Presbyterian church are doing nothing short of granting a license to live by the flesh, which is the opposite of living by the Spirit.

We are living in a world that is full of fearful, spiritually immature Christians. Rather than learn to rightly apply God’s word to our lives, have chosen to “go with the flow” of the culture and remain “Christian” in name only. We have bought into religion instead living in right relationship with Jesus. We have allowed sin to run rampant in our churches and have become complacent—an overcorrection from the equally damaging legalism and hyper-judging we’ve engaged in for years.

It’s fear that drives Christian pastors to accept homosexuality and fail to protect the unborn. It’s fear that keeps Christian men and women from speaking the truth in love. Fear drives “Christians” to hold hateful signs on street corners. Fear says, “God hates homosexuals,” when in fact, He loves them! Fear whispers, “It doesn’t matter. God doesn’t care,” and the fearful Christian leans in to listen, either unaware of the price God paid for His freedom or unwilling to obey the call of the cross. Fear is not from God.

We must return to the Word of God. “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

Power. A sound mind—and love. Yes, we can speak the truth in love. The truth and love are not mutually exclusive. In God’s economy, they’re one in the same.

It was love that caused a holy God to send His only son as a ransom for mankind. It was love that drove Jesus to talk that long walk to the cross. What message are we sending to our children when we disregard the truth of God’s Word? We cheapen the message of the cross when we live in disobedience to the Bible. We mock the One who gave His life for us when we decide to turn a blind eye to sin.

Dear Christian, you have the mind of Christ. You can know His will for your life!

Our lack of Biblical knowledge has made us impotent in the spiritual battle we are facing. We want the love of God, but not the sacrifice it takes to walk rightly with Him, and the USA Presbyterian Church is a perfect example of this. It’s time to get back to reading—and living out—the Word of God. And yes. Standing up for what’s right may cost you, but in the end, we answer to a holy God, not people. We need to do a better job of loving people like God loves them.

Christian parents need to teach their children how to live in the world and not be "of" it.

Christian mom, let me ask you—are you teaching your children about God’s love? About His standard? About sin?

God’s Word should change people, not the other way around.

Read your Bibles, women of God! Let love transform you—and then speak the truth in love.
You can do it. You have the power of Christ in you!

For more, listen to the podcast on this important topic:

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Resources for today’s podcast:

New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp

Mornings can be tough. Sometimes, a hearty breakfast and strong cup of coffee just aren’t enough. Offering more than a rush of caffeine, best-selling author Paul David Tripp wants to energize you with the most potent encouragement imaginable: the gospel.

Forget “behavior modification” or feel-good aphorisms. Tripp knows that what we really need is an encounter with the living God. Then we’ll be prepared to trust in God’s goodness, rely on his grace, and live for his glory each and every day.

Only God Can Make a Kitten by Rhonda Greene

Only God Can Make A Kitten, written by award-winning author Rhonda Gowler Greene and illustrated by bestselling artist Laura J. Bryant, follows a conversation between a mother and child as the child repeatedly asks “Mama, who made . . . ?” In the end, children learn that God is responsible for everything in creation—including kittens!

Follow Me: A Call to Die. A Call to Live. by David Platt and Francis Chan

In this new book, David Platt, author of the New York Times bestselling book, Radical: Taking Back Your Faith from the American Dream, contends that multitudes of people around the world culturally think they are Christians yet biblically are not followers of Christ.

Soul Detox: Clean Living in a Contaminated World by Craig Groeschel

As standards of conduct continue to erode in our shock-proof world, we must fight the soul pollution threatening our health, our faith, and our witness to others. Without even knowing it, people willingly inhale second-hand toxins poisoning their relationship with God and stunting their spiritual growth.

Soul Detox examines the toxins that assault us daily including: toxic influences, toxic emotions, and toxic behaviors.

By examining the toxins that assault us daily, this book offers the ultimate spiritual intervention with ways to remain clean, pure, and focused on the standard of God’s holiness.

The Christian Atheist: Believing in God but Living As If He Doesn’t Exist Craig Groeschel

“The more I looked, the more I found Christian Atheists everywhere.” Former Christian Atheist Craig Groeschel knows his subject all too well. After over a decade of successful ministry, he had to make a painful self admission: although he believed in God, he was leading his church like God didn’t exist. To Christians and non-Christians alike, to the churched and the unchurched, the journey leading up to Groeschel’s admission and the journey that follows—from his family and his upbringing to the lackluster and even diametrically opposed expressions of faith he encountered—will look and sound like the story of their own lives.

Heidi St. John

Speaking the Truth in Love