Category Archives: Parenting

Dare to be a Daniel: Talking to Your Kids About Standing for the Lord

Jimmy Kimmel hit a new low in my book last week when he had children interviewed about their thoughts on gay marriage outside his LA studio. He wanted them to explain it. At first, my husband and I just sat there puzzling (a friend sent us the link) over why he thought it was appropriate to pull kids into the USA’s gay celebration—but then—we realized that this really is the new normal. Jimmy’s just going with the flow.

Over the past week, I’ve received several posts and emails from mothers asking how to talk to their kids about what is happening in the culture. After all, this is startlingly new territory for parents: explaining why a man is being celebrated as a woman on the cover of a magazine is not something we’re used to talking about. Here’s the thing: If we don’t set a place for the truth of Scripture at the table of our children’s hearts, the world will set out a feast all it’s own.

Talk we must.

So what do we tell our children? How do we talk to them as Christian parents? If you’re searching for your footing, here’s some ideas and direction:

Talk age-appropriately.
Clearly, you’ve got to talk about age-appropriate things. There’s no need to take your four year old out to dinner and explain things she’s not ready to hear. You’ve got to know your children. When you sense they’re ready, or if they start asking questions about things they shouldn’t be burdened with, it’s time.When the time is right, tell them the truth. Most of our kids are old enough, and so we have been having honest, and sometimes painful discussions with our children in the months leading up to the SCOTUS ruling. This generation of children are being forced to think about things that never even entered my mind as a child: from racists to the brutal beheadings of Coptic Christians in Syria to Bruce Jenner and the removal of the Ten Commandments from public grounds.
Take them to God’s Word
The Bible should be the authority in the life of every person who claims to be a follower of Jesus. Read about God’s standard, His mercy, and His holiness.
Tell them we’re all in a war.
In the Bible, we see everywhere that we are in a very real war. Talk to your kids about the spiritual war that is waging around them—the Bible says they are part of it, too.

Ephesians 6:12
“For we do not wrestle with flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in heavenly places.”

Consider the word Paul uses here to describe what’s happening around you every day. He says we are “wrestling,” but not against flesh and blood. Wrestling is a very personal fight. Every day, we wake up on a spiritual battle field. The place where the devil wages war against individual believers is in the mind. Our goal is to first steal back any thoughts that the devil places in our minds and give those thoughts over, “taking them captive” to the mind of Christ. Even Paul’s use of the word “captive” reminds us that there are captives in this war.

Do your kids know about putting on the armor of God? Read what the Bible says here.

Pray with them.
There is power in the prayers of God’s people!Pray humbly, because we are all sinners.
Pray reverently, because God is holy, set apart and worthy of our praise
Pray with hope, because the Bible says that our hope is not in this world; it’s in the Lord!
Teach them how to talk to other’s about what God says is sin, and the remedy for it: Jesus!

Start here:
- We are all sinners, by birth and by choice. God says that our sinful, fallen hearts are bent towards sin, not away from it.The culture is telling gays that Christians are against them—but true followers of Christ point the finger first at themselves, because they know their heterosexual sin is no better than their gay friend’s sin.
- When my fallen heart tells me to lust after anyone who is not my husband, I am in sin.
- When our fallen hearts tell us to lust after someone of the same sex, we are in sin.God calls us to turn away from all our sin—by placing our faith in Jesus and then daily (daily, daily, daily) surrendering our fallen desires to Him so that we can walk in the ways He has told us are good and right.
Dare your kids (and yourself!) to be like DanielDo you remember the story of Daniel?In the ancient Middle East, one empire was being replaced by another. In 605 B.C., the Babylonians conquered Israel, taking many of its promising young men into captivity in Babylon. One of those men was Daniel.When the story takes place, Daniel was in his 80s. (See? You’re never too young or too old to stand for God!)Through a life of hard work and obedience to God, Daniel made his way up through the political ranks and eventually, became administrator of this pagan kingdom.It turned out that Daniel was so honest and hardworking, his co-workers, other government officials, became jealous of him. This was a problem, since they could find nothing he had done that warranted his removal from office.
Finally, they decied to use Daniel’s faith in God against him. They tricked King Darius into passing a decree that during a 30-day period, anyone who prayed to another god or man besides the king would be thrown into the lions’ den. Can you imagine?

Daniel learned of the decree but did not change his habit of praying to God. Just as he had done all his life, he went home, knelt down, faced Jerusalem, and prayed to God. The wicked administrators caught him and told the king. King Darius, who loved Daniel. He tried to save him, but the decree could not be revoked.

At sundown, they threw Daniel into the den of lions. The king was so worried and upset, he could not eat or sleep all night. At dawn he ran to the lions’ den and asked Daniel if his God had protected him. Daniel replied,

“My God sent his angel, and he shut the mouths of the lions. They have not hurt me, because I was found innocent in his sight. Nor have I ever done any wrong

Scripture says the king was overjoyed. Daniel was brought out, unharmed, “…because he had trusted in his God.” (Daniel 6:23, NIV)

God’s Word is true and He can be trusted! The culture may change, but God does not change. His standard is right—and as Christians, we are called to follow Him—no matter what. God takes good care of His people. We do not need to be afraid.

The Bible teaches that we are to be ready to give a defense for the Scripture “in season and out of season.”

We either believe God’s Word or we don’t—and we demonstrate that by the way we live our lives.

Will you be set apart? Dare to be a Daniel!

The New Face of “Hate”—and the Message of Grace

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My heart hurts a little today. Not gonna lie. Turns out that God’s word is unpopular. I have gay friends. I love them. I’ve never said an unkind word to them. I’ve never been rude, disrespectful or the least bit “hateful.”

However, apparently my stance that God created marriage and that His word is authoritative and inerrant on all matters pertaining to life and death has made me hateful. As such, I have become the target for some truly hateful comments. People have said they wished I would die, called me a bigot, said that their god is “disgusted” with me. Several posters questioned whether or not I should be allowed to keep my “indoctrinating” my own children. “I hate you!” one woman yelled in a Facebook post, “You should not be allowed to live in this country!” Shortly after that, another woman said I was the “most ignorant, hateful person she had ever encountered.”

Really? Does she not get out much? If I’m the meanest person she has ever encountered she should meet some of my social media “followers.”

In a breath-taking departure from the rule of law, the Supreme Court has mandated a new moral code for you. So how do we…

Posted by The Busy Mom on Monday, 29 June 2015

A few days ago, when our president colored the White House with God’s rainbow in celebration of what God calls sin, my heart broke. Like many of you reading this, I felt I could barely breathe. It was an affront to the millions of people in this nation whose very souls ached at the sight—but more importantly, it was an affront to God.

As I was being publicly mocked for “sheltering” my kids via homeschooling them, the US Department of Education changed their Facebook profile to celebrate what God calls sin. As I have said before, education is never, ever neutral. In Luke 6:40, the Bible teaches us that when a “student is fully trained, he will be like his teacher.” And now, if you dare to disagree with the state teaching your children their version of morality—get ready—you’ll be called hateful. I can almost guarantee it. This is the new “tolerance.”

Listen. Can I just say again that I stand on the word of God? Shoot the messenger if you must, but one day, I’ll stand before the Lord and give an account of my life. I’m clinging to the only thing in this life that is true: the gospel. I have my own sin. I myself am in need of a savior; of His grace. It is ungrace to deny His power and saving grace in my own life. For me to not love other people would be an affront to the One who gave His life for me. Lord! Help me to love like Jesus loves!

In my grief, I wonder: could it be that these attacks toward anyone who dares to hold to the authority of Scripture betray a deep longing for grace? I believe many who post such things live just beneath a thinly veiled search for grace, a desperate longing to be truly loved. We were created by God and for God … and love is here. Love won at the cross.

Because of the cross, grace is here. The message of the cross is grace; and in the same way I have felt personally wounded, it occurs to me that grace is just that—deeply personal. God’s grace abounds, even now. He rejoices when even one of his lost ones comes home.

Grace baffles those who have never experienced it. The world us the opposite of grace. The world, and unfortunately, the church is known for it’s lack of grace, not for grace. In this context, I understand why one man said I was “just like the Taliban.” He’s never experienced grace. It’s hard to comprehend why or even how God could extend outstretched arms to us even in our sin. And yet, that’s what He does. He freely offers grace, mercy and forgiveness. He says, “I love you—and you’re wrong.” This is a dichotomy that is almost impossible to comprehend in our world. Grace, God’s grace, is only free because God has paid the cost.

We cannot stop saying that grace is for everyone anymore than we can stop speaking the truth about sin.

This is the message of the cross: the hope and change this nation is looking for will never be found apart from faith in Jesus. This is where I stand, battle weary and bruised, wearing humbly the criticism that really is aimed at the cross of Jesus Christ. He gave His very life for me. I can do no less than proclaim His love and mercy until He brings me Home.

To the Older Mom (on Encouraging Younger Moms)

Mom Warriors and True Arrows

Helping Your Special Needs Child Transition to Summer {8 Tips}

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For many children—especially special needs children, but it can apply to typical children too—the arrival of summer can be a little stressful because it often means a huge change in routine. My autistic daughter has a hard time transitioning from our “regular” homeschool year to the less-structured summer months. We usually continue to homeschool over the summer, but because of special summer activities, vacations, and a more relaxed homeschool schedule, there are still some pretty big changes.

I put together a list of ideas that I try to keep in mind at the beginning of each summer to help her transition go a little easier. I hope these ideas are helpful to you and your family too!

Talk about it ahead of time: One of the easiest yet most important things I’ve ever done to help my daughter get ready for the transition to summer is simply to start talking about it at least a few weeks ahead of time. I don’t go in depth or make a big deal out of it. I simply mention to her that our regular school year will soon be over, and I tell her about a few of the special things we’ll be doing that summer.
Let your special needs child help plan a summer bucket list: If your child is old enough and is capable of giving input, it’s a great idea to let your child make suggestions for places she would like to go and things she would like to do. If this is too hard for her, make a list of activities and destinations for her to choose from. Use pictures (cut from magazines or printed off the internet) to show the choices if your child can’t read yet. Then go through the list together and make a list of the things you know you want to do over the summer. Keep in mind that you might enjoy choosing fun hobbies to work on over the summer too!
Talk about how much school work you will do over the summer (if any): Let your child know about any school work that will be done over the summer and discuss the best days and times. For example, my daughter likes to know that we’ll do 2 hours of school work each Tuesday and Thursday morning from 9:00 until 11:00 a.m. Younger children may not need you to be that specific, and that’s fine. Older children, though, and many autistic children like to have a more exact idea.
Keep as many routines as possible: Even during the summer, we attempt to get the children in bed at about the same time each night, and we try to get them up at about the same time each morning as much as possible. For my autistic child, we keep other routines too. One example is that she gets to play the computer for 30 minutes each morning after she brushes her teeth and gets dressed. These simple routines can make the less structured days of summer seem more familiar.
Plan some “down days” to help keep your child from being overwhelmed: Don’t feel like you have to cram every day full of activities! For many children (and parents!) having too many places to go and things to do is overwhelming. Maybe you can declare one day each week to stay home and take a break. Maybe you and your children can read the library books you’ve checked out or play in the sprinkler or even watch a movie together and just relax. You don’t have to go somewhere and do something every single day. It’s ok to have some days at home.
Create a calendar of activities, obligations, appointments, etc. where everyone can see it. (Or consider making a more visual schedule.): Depending on the age and level of functioning of your special needs child, you may choose to create a calendar with commitments, appointments, and activities listed on it, or you may want to post a visual schedule instead. (A visual schedule is simply a calendar or chart with pictures instead of words.) If looking at a calendar showing a month or a week at a time is too overwhelming for your child, you may want to post a schedule each evening that shows activities for only the following day.
Try to get together with friends—especially a close friend or two—over the summer: It may be hard for your child to understand why he won’t see all of his friends over the summer like he did during the school year. Be sure he understands that families often go on vacation and do other special summer activities that cause them to be away from home. You might need to explain that his friends will be back even though they may be away some over the summer and that he will once again see his friends on a regular basis when school begins again in the fall. And be sure if at all possible to plan a few special play days when he can get together with his friends over the summer.
Create (or let your child help create) a back-to-school countdown chart or calendar: This could be a calendar on which you mark off the days, popsicle sticks in a jar (Just start with one stick for each day of summer break and remove one stick each day.), or even a paper chain (Similar to the popsicle sticks. Just make a paper chain with one link for each day of summer. Simply cut off one link each day.). If the countdown is something your child can participate in, it will be more fun and meaningful.

While making the transition from the school year to summer may still be a bit difficult for your special needs child, I’ve found these ideas to be very helpful for my family. Some of the ideas take a small amount of preparation, but all of them can be done easily and without spending a lot of money. And your children can help with most of these ideas, which helps make the transition more real and more fun!

Do you have suggestions for helping your special needs child (or typical children) transition from the school year to summer? If so, please share your ideas in the comments!

Coaching Your Teen…For Life

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We’ve all been warned: Parenting teens is very different than the elementary years and it is NOT for the weak spined. The saying, “Little kids wreck your house and big kids wreck your mind” sounded so heartless and cold…until I found myself in a puddle on the floor after our first real conflict with our teen, not really sure what exactly had just happened. Reeling with emotion, I felt beat down, under condemnation and wondering why God thought it was a good idea to give me eight kids.

We have raised 3 kids through the teen years, and they still like us in spite of all the times we’ve messed up. We currently have 4 teens in the house and I am finding myself with a different perspective on this season of parenting.

I want to share with you what I wish someone would have shared with me so many years ago: parenting teens looks more like coaching than anything. There is that occasional situation that requires us to simply “be the parent”, but, more often than not, it looks like encouraging, being their biggest fans, and asking lots of intentional questions in hopes they will start to “own” their own lives. These questions should encourage our teens to think about the decisions they are making and give them the freedom to express their thoughts in a safe environment…even if they seem to make no sense to us. I’ve often found that when it seems like their reasoning is senseless, there is far more going on than meets the eye…something they haven’t identified yet…an insecurity, fear, etc. This is why asking questions with the right spirit is so vitally important and that’s much easier to do if we take on more of a coaching role.

What does that look like? What characteristics make a GOOD coach?

A coach is student of his players. He watches to learn what their strengths and weaknesses are, because unless he knows his players, he doesn’t have the information he needs to help them reach their full potential.

A coach cares deeply, has a goal plan in mind and works toward that. It’s about being intentional, but also flexible. He is willing to adjust to fit the personality, strengths and weaknesses of the players, but also challenging them to push beyond their comfort zone without exasperating them.

He encourages with a positive attitude and enthusiasm, inspiring them to “own” their responsibility in the game and to be a team player (being others-oriented). He provides direct, yet encouraging feedback. He reinforces key messages and acknowledges success. . He is consistent in his expectations. He is tough when necessary, but also tender when needed.

These are some good things to try and remember, but keep in mind, NO parent does all of these perfectly. We are imperfect parents with imperfect kids. Every last one of us desperately needs a Savior and that’s where the grace of the gospel comes in. “His grace is sufficient for us, His power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9) I can’t tell you how many times I have blown it with our teens. It’s required me to humble myself and ask forgiveness from our kids and God many, many times, but I’ve found that His grace covers more than I ever thought possible.

The enemy will work HARD to discourage us as we parent/coach through the teen years, but I want to remind you (and me) that because of what Jesus did, “There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because the law of the spirit of LIFE has set you free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1)

Let’s walk in this freedom and be a living example to our kids of what the gospel looks like in REAL life. It will speak more loudly to them than any form of “effective” parenting.

Don’t Let Your Youth Pastor Raise Your Kids

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Sweet mom—do you know how important your job is? The questions this generation is asking are big.

They’re soul-altering big.

They’re too big to ignore. I believe the questions this generation is asking will define our culture.

Several years ago, I found this soul-nugget in the book of Luke:

“When a child is fully trained, he will be like his teacher.” Luke 6:40

Little children who are playing blocks on the kitchen floor will soon be standing on the Senate floor—sent there by another generation of children who are, at this moment, sitting on the laps of their mothers.

Many years ago, I sat and listened as a tearful mom from a small Illinois town told me a cautionary tale about her daughter. Christian home. Good parents. Church-going. All-the-right-stuff … and her daughter was gone. Anne’s daughter, heavily influenced by a school counselor and deeply entrenched in a community of kids who did not share her family’s faith, had decided to walk away from God, and from everything their family held dear. She moved out shortly before graduating from high school.

… when a student is fully trained, he will be like his teacher.

Anne felt blind-sided. “We sent her to youth group every Wednesday! She was at every youth event they had! Our youth pastor knew my daughter better than I did! Why didn’t he say something?”

Devastated, Anne struggled with voices that echoed in her soul. She felt the familiar sting of guilt, a favorite tool of the enemy, as it spoke condemnation into her life, carried along by a cruel consequence of poor choices: regret. Anne regretted not being more involved in her daughter’s spiritual life—but even more than that, she regretting believing that her pastor could take her place in the life of her daughter.

She was telling me a story I had heard many times in my seventeen years as a pastor’s wife—and I share it with you, because I want to speak for your pastor: He wants you to know that he doesn’t want to raise your kids. In fact, he can’t.

Parents, there’s no substitute for being in the Word of God. Your pastor’s job is to rally the troops—to teach, to admonish, to encourage you to do what only you can do: walk with God daily on your own. A youth pastor’s job is to encourage your children toward right thinking and right relationship with God—but he’s no substitute for you.

I have heard it said that we have “lost” this generation of kids, but I don’t believe it. You don’t just “lose” kids. You lose their parents first. Parents are lost to discouragement, disillusionment and fear—but we must not give in to fear. We can’t simply drop our kids off at school or church and leave the parenting up to others. It is our responsibility alone. Now is the time. My generation of parents is fully up to bat. We must not fail in teaching our children what it means to live our lives for Christ. We do that by modeling.

Words are not enough.

Our kids need to see us taking God at His Word by being IN His Word. I love my pastor but I don’t want to take his word for God’s Word … I want to read it for myself—and that’s what any pastor worth his salt would want me to do.

Today’s parents need to be in the Word of God. We need to know it. To live it. To teach it to our kids.

The questions that are being asked right now need an answer. Sit down with your kids and take them to God’s Word for the answers.

Sweet tired mom—you are not alone. It’s tiring work, this business of shepherding the next generation. God will give you strength.

“In the day when I cried out, You answered me, and made me bold with strength in my soul.”
Psalm 138:3

This generation of children and young adults need God’s truth in them now more than ever —to be dug down deep, planted in the rich soil of God’s Word. Stay in there. The work is too important to pass off to someone else, even if that someone else is your pastor.

Your work carries eternal significance with it. It carries the weight of glory—the hope of things to come. Your work carries Jesus to the next generation.

Heidi St. John

Speaking the Truth in Love