Category Archives: Parenting

Busy Seasons and Weary Souls

We’ve just come out of a very busy season for our family. I know there is an ebb and flow to life, but it’s starting to feel like our “busy” seasons are all running together. It’s all a blur.

There was a video going around Facebook of several older ladies saying what they would do differently, if they had “time” back again. They mostly spoke about doing less and “being” more. I actually found it quite irritating.

I’m a mom of eight kids, a nana to 3 grandbabies, and we are in our 20th something year of homeschooling (I don’t even remember). There’s a whole lot of “doing” involved in being a wife and a mom and as I’m watching this video, I’m thinking to myself, “Sure, let’s add ‘just be’ to my never ending checklist!”

I think that’s what happens in a “busy” season. Everything becomes about doing and “being” only happens when we just can’t do one.more.thing. I find myself curled up in the fetal position, mumbling, while the kids whisper amongst themselves and throw things at me to see if I will snap out of it.

And then there’s guilt. As much as we hate it, guilt seems to be our constant companion as moms. We feel guilty when we are too busy. We feel guilty when we aren’t busy enough.

And so I find myself at the end of my rope. Again. I can’t help but wonder if that’s where God wants me. I don’t ever intentionally go there. That would be dumb. But somehow I find myself there A.LOT. Especially in busy seasons.

And yet, what does God say about weariness? He says, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28,29) He is the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort…He can do for us what no one else can and He is able and willing to meet us in our moments of need.

He also says, “Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”( Isaiah 40:30,31) He is just as faithful to all of his promises on our very worst day as he is on our very best day.

God doesn’t clearly tell us in his Word what is too much or too little when it comes to busyness. That’s something we each have to walk out with him. What He does tell us though, is that He wants us to be about HIS business…His agenda. In other words, to be led by the Holy Spirit. And when I find myself craving success, control, comfort, pleasure, and material things more than what He wants to do in my life, it’s probably time to step back and re think my priorities.

In other words, is my busyness causing my soul to starve?

If Jesus is truly Lord of my life, I need to make him Lord of my minutes, hours, days and weeks. Because all of those flow into years and become my story. And I want my story to be HIS story.

Now please excuse me while I go unclog the kitchen sink.

Do you struggle with being too busy? How do you help keep it under control?

How To Steal The Joy Out Of Motherhood – A Few Tips

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This summer I experienced a pretty tough awakening. I’ve spent the past few years running the motherhood race, trying to be the perfect mom – and I totally lost grasp of the kind of mom God designed me to be. Go figure, His plan is better than mine ever will be. And I love that, I love that when we find our peace we realize that it IS in fact what God meant for you all along. The peace I thought I wanted, that I tried to achieve through actions and works – just left me drained, sad, and made me feel really disconnected from my kids. I didn’t like it. So I stopped “doing” and just started “being”.

Over the course of working through this in my heart, I jotted down a list of ways to steal the joy right out of motherhood. I’m list maker, and a bit sarcastic – so silly lists often help jolt me back into line.

How to steal the joy right out of motherhood

1. Plan your kid’s schedules to the “t”. That’s right, allocate 3 minutes to brushing teeth (that includes cleanup), 5 minutes to making the bed, 4 minutes to getting dressed, and 15 minutes to eating breakfast. And when they don’t measure up to your outline, freak out.

2. Overload their schedules with activities. Make sure they are signed up for tap, ballet, and jazz. And don’t leave it there, make sure they are signed up for swimming, soccer, football, and baseball. Make sure their schedules are jammed packed all week long. Convince them that in doing this, they’ll become “something” in the future. So when they don’t do this they’ll think they will never amount to anything.

3. Plan out their future, and don’t let them have a say. When your three-year-old says they want to be a dentist when they grow up, make sure you constantly remind them of that. Don’t let them explore other ideas or careers. Don’t let them know that you’ll support them and encourage them, no matter what they choose to do in their professional life. Make sure you let them know that you’ll be disappointed if they don’t choose to be a dentist.

4. Compare yourself to other moms, constantly. Make sure you live up to their standards, or at least what you perceive their standards are. You know that mom you see every time you head off to the park? She’s always in her cute workout clothes taking a jog around the neighborhood. But you’re stuck entertaining your kids. Why can’t you do that? Call the sitter, don’t spend that time with your kids. Head out for that run so you can be the perfectly fit mom.

5. Criticize yourself daily. Make sure you remind yourself of your failures, daily. The harder you are on yourself, the more likely you are to change those bad habits. Make that list of everything you need to change about yourself, so you can be just like that mom who lives down the street. You know, the one whose garden is always super cute, who always dresses so nicely, whose kids are always so well behaved, whose husband is always raving about her dinners, who always has time to make it to the salon every week, who is always so cheerful and perfect. That mom. That’s the one you want to be like.

There you have it. Five simple ways to steal the joy right out of motherhood. That should do it, right?

Hey momma, you know what? We are all too hard on ourselves. Way to hard. And I think it does start from a good part in our hearts – our massive love for our kids. We adore these little people so much, we just want to be the best mom we can be. We want to encourage them to be the best people they can be. We want to give them the perfect life, because we love them that much.

And then we take it too far.

You know what? YOU are all they need. The life you can give them, and are able to give them daily – is the life they need. Not some made up version of bits and pieces of what we perceive to be perfect. They need you. Your hugs, you love, your cuddles, and your smiles. There is a reason God choose you to be their mama. Because you have exactly what that child needs. When we turn to anything but Him for guidance, for advice, for direction – we are steering off the path He meant for us to walk.

That’s when it becomes draining, dreadful, exhausting. That’s when we begin to feel like we are failing. Because you know what?? We cannot fail when we are walking the path He has laid out for us. It’s impossible because His plan is perfect. It always has been, and always will be.

What we perceive as failure, He sees as drawing us in, closer to Him.

It’s okay if your kids see you with crazy mom hair all day, because that’s real. That’s you. And I could probably bet that they don’t notice it the way you do. To them, you’re just their mama who cares for them and loves them endlessly.

It’s okay if you have a few extra pounds on you, slow and steady is the best way. You don’t need to load up on the workouts and neglect your time with your kids. Consistency is key, and if that means your only option is to be consistent for 3 years before you reach your goal, then that’s okay. Because during that time you are being the mom your kids need you to be, you are taking care of your health, and you will look back three years from now feeling great. Thinking “wow! I did it, and I didn’t miss a beat with my kids.”

WE cannot change who we are, we cannot become someone else. But we can make the most of our situation. WE can choose to be intentional, purposeful, and make the most of it all. You are you because God made you this way. Don’t try and do what everyone else is doing, and don’t kick yourself for not achieving what someone else is. Yes, it’s cool to watch sometimes, and appreciate what others are – but embrace yourself, right where you are. Turn it over to Him and let Him lead your path.

Roosevelt once said: “Comparison is the thief of Joy”

It is. Let’s stop comparing ourselves to other mamas. Let’s stop comparing ourselves to other women, wives, or whoever it is you are comparing yourself to. When we do this we are comparing ourselves to a false perceived perfection. We only see the surface of the reality, not the heart of it.

Will You Be The Mom Who Refuses to be Sidelined?

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Something sad and fascinating is happening to parents in this post-modern era. We’re being lied to. We’re being told that we aren’t necessary—and what’s worse, many moms today are buying the lie! After all, they say the “village” can do it better.

Slowly but surely society is shutting parents out. Moms today are being told that elementary school aged kids can make their own decisions on everything from birth control to which gender they want to be. What used to be regarded as a parent’s responsibility is now seen as an infringement on the child.

Simple tasks like looking at my 13 yr old’s medical records now require effort and persistence and even permission from my 13 year old. If we want to stay in the race and finish it we must refuse to be sidelined. MomStrong moms possess a willingness to endure rather than become a passive onlooker in the lives of their children.

When the world says “give up” or “it’s not your business,” I challenge you to stand up for the sake of your child. Go ahead and risk being annoying. Be the mom who knows the names of your child’s friends. Be the mom who asks the hard questions and loves unconditionally. Be the mom who refuses to be sidelined and instead guides her child through every stage of growing up, including adolescence.

Your children don’t need the government or the school system to teach them about the big things in life, they need their parents. Moms, you are stronger than they say you are. You are more capable and more invested. You’re your children’s mother, and kids today need their mothers to be all-in.

They need the wisdom and love of their parents, and they need a mom who is one hundred percent invested.

Be that mom!

Dear Mom Who Isn’t Feeling Very Positive About Another Positive Pregnancy Test

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I’lll never forget the moment when I learned I was pregnant with my fifth child. Yes. We knew how “that” happened—but this, this was not in our plans. I stared at that pregnancy test in disbelief. Surely the Lord saw where we were financially! Surely He knew how overwhelmed I felt already, how inadequate.

Another baby meant we would have to step up to the next size car and it meant people would start staring at us in Costco. I’m ashamed to admit that I was embarrassed by my fifth pregnancy. I wasn’t thinking of the blessing—I was thinking of the burden. I was worried about what other people would think.

I wasn’t sure I had the energy for another baby—and I since I was struggling with the four children I already had, I knew for sure I didn’t have the patience. Can you relate?

It’s a good thing God’s strength is found in weakness. He met me there in my weakness, a sobbing, hormonal mess on my bedroom floor. I cried out to Him—literally—and He met me there. Just like He will meet you.

My fifth baby is now a wonderful, twelve year old blessing. God used our fifth child to teach me new things about His unfailing love and provision. God’s ways are so counter to the culture! Embracing God’s promises brings life.

We now have seven children and two grandsons (our second grandson is due in December!) My child-bearing years are over. As I look back over those busy, busy years, my heart is filled with gratitude. I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to have seven children under our roof at one time. I’m glad I got over being stared at in Costco. And I’m glad God’s mercies really are new every morning.

Believe God’s Word, precious mom. Your children are God’s gracious gift to you, whether you “planned” them or not.

When You Don’t Feel Strong as a Mom

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A few years ago, I had the privilege of meeting Arlene Pellicane in Little Rock. We were both there to record broadcasts with Family Life Today. We didn’t have more than a meal together but let me tell you, this woman has passion! I think her new book will be a blessing to our awesome readers here at The Busy Mom—so we’re doing a giveaway!

Arlene has a new book out called 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom. We’re giving away a copy to a Busy Mom reader, so read through to the end for more on the book and details on how to enter!

There’s a wonderfully inspiring story in Judges 6 about an unlikely warrior: Gideon.

Believe it or not, you probably have something in common.

The Lord tells Gideon to “go in the strength that you have” and Gideon replies, “How can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” Instead of being the best of the best, Gideon was pointing out he was the worst of the worst.

Can you relate with Gideon? Instead of feeling like you were born from a long line of happy, healthy moms, maybe you come from a dysfunctional family. Broken doesn’t begin to describe it. Yet God delights in working powerfully through weak people; people like Gideon, Rahab and Ruth to name a few people from the Bible.

Don’t let your past family life determine your present family life. You have your own story to write.

I remember when I had my first child, Ethan, I had no idea how to hold a baby. I could put my hands under his little armpits and pull him in close. That was about it. Some of my friends who weren’t even moms seemed so much more comfortable holding my little lump, turning him upside down and right side up and cradling him like a football.

I wasn’t equipped with baby know-how or born with natural instincts. I was just hoping not to drop him! I had a lot to learn. Going in the strength that we have means coming as we are. God doesn’t expect you to be like the culinary mom on your left or interior decorator mom on your right. He wants you to come as you are with all your strengths and weaknesses, and with a willing heart to learn.

The good news is that God will surround you with people who can help you as a mom if you will let them. When Noelle was about three, she would throw a fit every time I tried to wash her face. She’d jerk to the left and right, squirm and complain. It drove me nuts. But when my husband James washed her face, she was perfectly still. She almost tilted her head back angelically while he washed her face with ease.

One day, I humbled myself and asked James, “How do you get Noelle to do that? She’s never still for me.” James replied, “Oh, it’s easy. Noelle knows she can get away with that with you. But she knows I won’t stand for it.”

Of course, my first reaction was, “Well, LA-DEE-DA for you!” But as I thought it over, I knew he was right. There was no fooling around with daddy. So, the next time we were at the sink, I went on the offensive with my new found strength.

“Noelle, from now on, you will treat me like you treat daddy when we’re at the sink or else you will be disciplined.” She pushed me, I gave her the discipline, and our sink struggle ended after a few encounters just like that.

Part of becoming a mom warrior is humbling yourself and learning from others (ouch…even from your husband).

Say it out loud today: I am a mighty warrior mom because of Christ!

Arlene

Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom and 31 Days to a Happy Husband. She is also the co-author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World (with Gary Chapman). She has been a featured guest on the Today Show, Fox & Friends, Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, The 700 Club, and Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah.
Arlene lives in the San Diego area with her husband James and their three children.
To learn more and for free family resources such as a monthly Happy Home podcast, visit ArlenePellicane.com.

Does it ever seem like you’re taking orders from your children instead of the other way around?

In this encouraging, eye-opening book, you’ll discover how to lead your home effectively…and happily. Arlene has interviewed numerous happy mom experts like Kendra Smiley, Fern Nichols, Dannah Gresh, Karen Ehman, and Laura Petherbridge.

Organized in short chapters that even the busiest mom can read, you’ll become more:

H – Healthy
A – Action-Oriented
P – Prayerful
P – Perseverant
Y – Yes-Filled

The book includes a “Happy Mom Discussion Guide” to enhance your personal study or for a group study.

Raising Kids to Depend on Jesus

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My neighbor Dave died today.

At 87 years old, his mind was sharp as a whip, despite his ever weakening body.

My husband and I spent some time with him in the hospital recently during one of his many visits over the past few months. Dave was cheerful, sharing the Gospel with anyone who would listen, handing out tracts that he would order by telephone – even from his hospital bed.

After the doctors and nurses left the room, he shared with us for what must have been the 100th time since we became neighbors some 20 years ago, about his life. These stories often included sad stories of heart ache.

His mother was institutionalized for depression and possible schizophrenia when he was just three years old. Dave and his brother were sent to live with their grandparents in rural Michigan. Dave’s time living with his grandparents were probably some of the happiest days of his life. Or maybe they were just some of my favorites; stories of church picnics, outdoor shenanigans with his brother and the simplicity of farm life.

When Dave was about 12 or 13 and was becoming too much for his aging grandparents to handle, he was sent back to the city to live with his father and his father’s new wife.

That was a hard transition for a young man who had had everything done for him for so long. Rejected by his step mother and a source of irritation to his father, Dave eventually joined the Navy, served in WWII, came home and married.

After bearing 2 children, his wife fell in to a cycle of depression and mental illness that lasted her entire life. She was unable to care for her children or her husband and sweet Dave, in many ways still a boy himself, picked up the reigns and ran his family on his own as best as possible.

Years later, retired, widowed and alone, Dave spent many an afternoon at our house, sharing a cup of tea and reminiscing of days gone by. There was always a deep sadness as he told his stories, but he always ended by recalling God’s hand in his life.

I can’t help thinking of Dave as a boy, just as my boys are running through our home today.

I can’t help but thinking that, as moms, we have incredible power to affect our children’s future.

Here’s the thing. Dave knew Jesus. He was brought to church and his loneliness drew him to know his savior. When the turns of his life let him down, when his mother and father failed him, his wife failed him, even his children failed him – God never did.

When we’re in the midst of babies and sleep deprivation, new marriages and new challenges, it is hard to see the end from the beginning. Who can imagine their toddler as a confused 12 year old moving to a new state to live with a father he never knew, or as a 40 year old father of 3 with a mentally ill wife or as an 87 year old man with broken dreams and little worldly success to show for his time on earth.

Here’s the thing. Our kids may have all the best toys and clothes. Our kids may have all the best opportunities, get in to the best colleges and have the best jobs. But without a dependence on God – it’s all for nothing.

Raising Kids to Love and Depend on Jesus

Pray for them. Pray with them. Pray without ceasing. Pray that they would have a supernatural love for God’s Word.
Model a love for God’s Word. Read it. Teach from it in the Deuteronomy 6 way – as you sit, walk, rise and rest. Share with them what God is showing you through His Word and how He is working in your life.
Use times of discipline as a time for discipleship. Our kids’ character issues are an opportunity to show them that they NEED a savior, that they can’t do it on their own. Teach them to pray and ask Jesus to help them. Then, when they experience success, stop to thank Jesus for helping them!
Show them your dependence on God. We all fail everyday. Show your kids what a repentant and humble heart looks like.
Don’t be afraid when your children experience trials. Handled properly, our trials draw us nearer to God. Much like a fever acts for our good by killing an overgrowth of bacteria or a potent virus, trials purify us (and our kids) and draw us into a deeper dependence on God. If you can’t help but worry, refer to number 1 above!

During this season of back to school, sports, classes and clubs and all of the accompanying pressures and demands – remember Dave. Remember that the most important thing you can do for your child as you prepare them to go out into the world is to show them and teach them a love and dependence on Jesus!

Strength for the Weary Mom

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In March of 2010, as I was planning Savannah’s high school graduation, I found out that I was pregnant. We were not surprised at this news, because we had planned this baby (as much as is humanly possible.) I was feeling very sure of my ability to take on another child when a woman on the graduation committee looked me right in my eyes and said, “Well, Heidi St. John, I admire you! You know what you’re getting into and you’re still willing to have another one!”

I forced a smile. “You must LOVE kids!” she said.

I confess. I was a little irritated. “We love our kids,” I replied, trying not to let my tone reveal my true feelings. “We’re excited to have another little one in our home.” I’m sure she didn’t realize it then, but her words stung. They exacerbated feelings of doubt and insecurity that were already there. After all, this was not her journey, I told myself. It was ours!

Four months later, as I was listening to the commencement address at Savannah’s graduation service, my mind wandered. The small kicks and hiccups of our unborn daughter Saylor Jane left no doubt in my mind: I was so in love with this new little one! Our children had readily embraced the fact that they were going to be sharing a bedroom with another sibling. I was slowly collecting newborn clothes again (it had been five years since we had a baby) and searching Craigslist for a crib.

I thought I had gotten over the looks and condescending statements from others and I was feeling pretty good about our decision when all of the sudden my mind filled with doubt and worry. I thought about the sleepless nights that were ahead of me. I wondered how my body was going to hold up under the strain of another pregnancy. After all, I wasn’t a young girl anymore.

“For you do not wrestle against flesh and blood…” Eph 4

In case you don’t believe it yet, let me assure you, the devil is real. I felt his icy grip on my heart as my thoughts of confidence turned to doubt and worry.

When Savannah was born, I was in my early twenties. Now, I was facing pregnancy and birth in my early forties. What was I doing? I thought I had the strength I needed to run the race that was before me, but when I looked at the five children who had yet to graduate from high school and felt the kick of our seventh child within me, my knees went a little weak. What was I even doing?

“Take every thought captive …” I heard the Lord gently interrupt my wandering heart.

Satan wages his deadly war against us on the battlefield of the mind. I knew I needed to take my thoughts captive. “Lord, help me! Remind me of Your love and strength! Replace these thoughts with Your thoughts!”

God is so faithful. He gently comforted me and the feelings of insecurity began to fade as I repeated His name: Jesus, Jesus. My life is yours. This child is blessing, just like you say in Your word. Thank you that You can be trusted.

It was then that I knew it for sure: I was still at the beginning of a journey that would take me many more years to complete. I had completed eighteen years—and I was starting again, except that this time, I had the blessing of perspective.

Really, veteran moms are not much different than new moms aside from that one beautiful thing. Perspective changes you. It gives you a heads-up that new moms don’t have. Veteran moms know how fast time goes by.

If you are not sure where to get the strength you’ll need for the journey, I want to encourage you—because this beautifully broken mother of seven would like to give you a gentle hug and a high-five as I point you to the true well-spring of life and strength: Jesus.

That’s where strength is found.

He wants to make you strong… but you’ve got to come to the place of wanting His strength in order to find it. God doesn’t require strength for the journey, either. His promise to you is that as you come to Him, you will find strength. His gift is living water; hope for the hopeless, strength for the weary.

Run to him, precious mom. Strength is found in the arms of Jesus. Wherever you are, take a moment and talk to God. He’s waiting. He’s listening.

Lord, help me to be like Abraham, who, by faith, when called to go to a place where he would later receive his inheritance, obeyed and went… not because he knew the outcome, but because he trusted you.