Category Archives: Parenting

When You Think You’re Failing as a Mother

It had been one of those mornings.

You know the kind. The kind of the morning when the attitudes and behavior displayed by your children drive you to despair that they will ever become productive, law abiding citizens.

Yeah, that kind.

There was complaining – about everything.

There was selfishness – lots of selfishness.

There were rude comments.

Oh, and did I mention complaining?

All of these things were made exponentially worse by the fact that all 6 of my kids were in the mix. 

As we loaded the car later that morning and headed to my co-op teacher training at a local park, it was hard to muster a smile to cover the insecurity and doubt that I felt about my skills as a mother, a homeschooler and co-op teacher.

It was a beautiful day and the kids eagerly scrambled out of the car onto the playground.

I watched nervously as the other co-op teachers rambled in one by one, parking their cars and unloading their broods.

I wonder if the 8-year old will get mad and push his brother?  How long until the 5-year old begins whining?  Will my awkward tween daughter engage with the other girls her age or will she hang out on her own being – well, awkward?

One teacher’s daughter walked past noticing a mom-of-many littles struggling and offered her assistance.

I observed with gratitude another teacher’s son being kind to my difficult 8-year old. 

Some of the teachers’ older boys started a game of soccer with the younger boys.

Although I was blessed by the other teachers’ well-behaved children at the park, I also began comparing their behavior to my kids’ behavior earlier in the day and couldn’t help but feel even more discouraged.

Our tutor meeting began with light chat and laughter.  How I cherished these women!  Each talented and beautiful in their own way, we talked about how school was going and how we were looking forward to Spring right around the corner. 

We poured over our lessons for the next quarter, marking notes and sharing teaching tips gained by our years of teaching.

As we wrapped things up, one teacher’s son came over to lodge a complaint (the first one of the afternoon) against a sister who was insisting on having her own way.

Another teacher commented how her kids (the helpful one earlier in my tale) had been having issues with stubbornness.  One by one we began to share bits of our struggles with our own kids. 

One child had been on kitchen duty for 4 weeks as he stubbornly refused to do the job consistently without complaining.  I could relate to that – but 4 weeks!  That was pretty bad, yes?

I scanned the horizon, as moms at parks are prone to do, counting heads, making sure all my babes were accounted for.  I noticed my often stubborn son playing peacefully under the slides with another boy. 

My 5-year old leaned into my side, content to play with his toys quietly on the blanket.

My tween was laughing and kicking a soccer ball with the other tweens with apparent ease.  (What she may have been feeling inside is another issue!)

As we packed up to leave and the kids shouted their farewells, I smiled. 

My kids aren’t’ perfect – far from it.  But they are precious works in process – just like me.

Dear mama, if you’re fretting about your kids’ behavior, I want to encourage you that we all are!


 5 Verses of Encouragement for Moms

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

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My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

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May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13

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I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-4

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Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Never lose heart that the consistent, daily reminders and even consequences and teaching that we give our kids will result in young people who help, who are kind, who are patient. 

 

So You’re Thinking of Having Another Baby?

having-another-baby

I have three amazing daughters, ages 12, 9, and 7.  The oldest is very creative, independent and a good leader.  When she was born, she immediately had a curious look in her eyes.  Everyone commented on how alert she was even at one day old.  I remember holding her in my arms at the hospital as she quietly took in the world around her with those thoughtful, pensive eyes.  She is still that way today; always thinking deeply and longing for friends to connect with on the same level.

When my middle daughter was born, she let out a cry that was so heartbreaking and pitiful sounding!  It was like a high pitched moan that went up and down and up and down, kind of like a siren.  A cry that I would hear many, many times over the years!  She is my sensitive daughter.  So, tears are naturally part of having that sensitive spirit.  But, with that sensitivity also comes an abundance of LOVE.  She is like a wellspring with unconditional love bubbling out of her every day.

My third daughter was a surprise pregnancy.  I think I may have cried when I found out I was pregnant!  Let me tell you… having an infant, a 17 month old and 5 year old daughter is tough work!  And this baby was unlike either of my other two girls.  When she was born, she let out a ROAR that was quite aggressive.  I called her my “baby dinosaur” because of what her cry sounded like. It’s interesting because just like my middle daughter’s pitiful cry as a baby represents her sensitive spirit, my youngest’s roar represents her aggressive personality.  Not only is she aggressive, she is also very dramatic about EVERYTHING.  When she is physically hurt from falling down or stubbing her toe, everyone within a mile radius hears about it from her shrill crying that lasts FOREVER.  When she is mad, you better get out of the way and give her some space to cool down, or before you know it you find yourself yelling even louder than her.  (Sorry, Lord!)  When she is happy, she can practically squeeze the breath out of you as she embraces you in a hug that lasts FOREVER!!  She is my passionate child and I love her to pieces.  But, oh, what a journey we have been on together.

Since my third daughter was such a challenge, I spent most of those first  few years feeling anxious and overwhelmed. In fact, I tried to convince myself that I was done having kids.  About six months ago a member of our church that my husband pastors shared a dream he had about us.  He said that in the dream, Chip and I were moving into a big nice house.  Our oldest daughter was grown and moved away and our other girls were in their late teens…. and we had 3 BOYS!  YIKES!!!  Well, that planted a little seed in my head about possibly having another baby (NOT that I want triplets).

Around the same time as the dream was shared with us, my girls and I joined a homeschool co-op.  Soon, I found myself surrounded by little red headed boys (I have red hair and was hopeful for a red headed baby but have never had one).  Little by little, I started having more thoughts of having a baby.  I thought I was crazy at first and that the thoughts would pass.  Well, they didn’t 🙂  In my spirit I kept hearing the words, “LIFE… NEW LIFE.”  I would go to take my birth control, put it down, walk away, come back, put it down.  I heard the words, “You are keeping him from coming.”  Then, I found out that my middle daughter had been praying for a few months that she would have a baby brother!

I am now 9 weeks pregnant with our 4th child.  I spent the last 8 years convincing my husband we were done having kids, only to find out that my husband knew I would eventually change my mind.  I was actually growing comfortable with how independent my girls have become.  So, knowing I am about to enter the baby season all over again, makes me a little nervous.  But, I know this baby is going to be a huge blessing to everyone around him/her.  I am excited to meet who God is developing inside of me!!  And, I am looking forward to savoring every moment with this new little one, and this time mothering with a peaceful spirit instead of an anxious and overwhelmed one.

Do you have a story like mine? Or are you still wrestling with being done, yet not really done? I don’t think I’m alone.

Dear Christians, Who Are We Living For?

Dear Christian, who are you living for? Heidi St. John talks about the desensitization of Christians toward sin in the culture

 

Well, here’s something I’ve learned: the entertainment industry has Christians around the throat. It’s the new “sacred cow” that we dare not touch. When I was a kid, it was the church worship pastor and his horrible “rock music.” When I was growing up, sacred cows were things like organs and hymn books. Methinks we have been focusing on the wrong things!

Recently, I posted a warning to parents about the movie, “Deadpool.” You can see it here:

So, there I was, just casually listening to the radio while I put my makeup on this morning when I heard an ad for the…

Posted by The Busy Mom on Saturday, 13 February 2016

 

I was shocked and saddened by the responses I received over something that I assumed Christian (and non-Christian) parents would appreciate. Then next day, I posted a reply:

*WARNING* EXHORTATION AHEAD:On Saturday, I casually posted about the new comic-book-turned-movie “Deadpool.” I was…

Posted by The Busy Mom on Monday, 15 February 2016

 

Today, a Christian woman messaged me, upset at what she perceived to be my “judgmental” attitude toward other Believers with regard to areas of personal freedom. She went on to list several verses she hoped I would read about not judging others because then would understand that she is “free” in Christ to watch whatever the heck she wants to watch.

I am stunned at our disregard for Christ’s clear instructions on how we are supposed to live.

CHURCH: WAKE UP! We are called to judge each other! That’s right: we’re supposed be be judging things like movies and behavior. Why? Because our hearts are prone to wander, that’s why. Because our flesh wants to drag us off into the mire and muck of movies that bring dishonor to God and quench the Holy Spirit within us. Because God clearly says that engaging in such things is wrong.

We have allowed ourselves to become desensitized to sin. We allow it in our churches and call it “progress.” We watch it in theaters and call it “entertainment.” We excuse it in others and call it “freedom.”

How far we have fallen! No wonder our nation is in such grave danger: there are no watchers on the wall. Personal holiness is no longer a priority.

This is not a gray area, men and women! Those who claim the name of Jesus should know His Word and long to bring honor and blessing to the Lord. Instead, we toy with things He died to save us from and then cry like babies if someone suggests that we might be crossing the line.

It’s time for Christians to grow up in Christ. These times need more than lukewarm faith. It’s time to seriously ask ourselves who we are living for. As Believers, our lives are to be a reflection of the One who redeemed us.

Whatever happened to “be holy as I am holy?” Whatever happened to Christians NOT wanting to be like the world? One day, we are going to give an account to the the Lord for the way we lived our lives before men on this earth—and God has made it clear what He expects.

Watching filth (yes, like Deadpool and 50 Shades of Porn) clearly falls outside of “whatever is good.”

I hope that my fellow Christians will continue to hold me to the standard of righteousness that honors the Lord because they care not just for me, but for the One who died to set us free from “the sin which so easily entangles” us.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.” Hebrews 12:1

Anything else is cheap grace. My Lord’s death was anything but cheap.

It cost Him everything.

Surely we can honor Him with our bodies and our minds.

When You Can’t Be the Mom You Want to Be

There are dinner dishes from yesterday still on the counter.  My daughter’s laundry hasn’t been put away in weeks.  The 2 year old’s clothes I started sorting weeks ago?  Still in a basket in his closet.  My husband wakes up early to settle all the kids through breakfast before he goes to work, and comes home to pick up the pieces I’ve dropped throughout the day.  You see, I am 29 weeks pregnant with our fourth baby, and have been on partial bedrest for the last 4 weeks with quite a few more to go.  And so many days are the same.  There is just so much I cannot do.  I want to.  I long to fulfill my typical role.  But for now, I just cannot do it all.

Sound at all familiar to you?  Perhaps your circumstances are different.  Maybe you’ve had a death in the family, or an extended season of frequent sickness.  Maybe you’ve recently moved, or are preparing to.  Any number of situations could put you in a similar spot!  I don’t know about you, but if I let myself, I feel so.easily.defeated in these times.

cant-be-mom-you-want-to-be

 

Last night I was awake having contractions and my typical pregnancy insomnia.  My mind was swirling with thoughts of all the ways in which it feels like I am failing my family.  All the different ways my husband and children are having to pick up the pieces that I have left scattered all around.  In the midst of my defeat, the Lord was so kind and gracious to keep bringing the word “joy” to my mind.  I love when He does that.  I woke this morning praying for a different day.  For joy in the midst of these circumstances that are different than I would choose right now.  As I prayed, I realized that while there are many things right now that I cannot do, there are things I can do!  I can pray for His grace to cover our family and carry us through these days.  I can choose to have an attitude towards my children and interactions with them and my husband that are honoring to Him and helpful for their hearts!

In my house today, this meant that instead of doing a more involved science experiment that I just wasn’t up for, my kids helped me scoop ingredients for dry mix bags of baked oatmeal.  It means that when I started contracting again after 15 minutes of folding clothes on my girlie’s floor while she cleaned, we all stopped, and moved on to playing and snacks.  Because her room being clean is just NOT the most important thing right now.  Sure, I could have stayed there, pushing myself physically, or snapping at her to keep cleaning and making us all miserable.  But nothing about that is helpful or encouraging for any of us.  Believe me, there are plenty of times when I don’t take it in stride.  When I live in frustration and discouragement over what isn’t happening or what I can’t do, I make my entire family miserable in the process.

There are days where tasks must be accomplished – when I have to push through the attitude, or my own exhaustion, or any number of things to get the house cleaned before Bible study, or get a full solid day of school in after a week of sickness.  But right now, in the midst of this season?  I don’t have to, and in fact, it is better if I don’t try to.  Because for these weeks and likely a few months, life just looks different.  It looks like snuggles, books,  naps,  movies, and more electronic time than I prefer.  And IT IS OKAY!  It will not always be this way, but for now, my goal is to relish this time for what it is, to enjoy puzzles and games and books, and to let my attitude about our circumstances not make this any harder than it is already.

What about you, mamas?  Are you in a season where every day requires you to take it in stride?  It is hard, but so worth it, to rest in what He has for us, even in times where we just don’t feel like we are doing all we should.  He gives grace and peace for these days, and will help us see His plans if we only ask.

Learning to Trade: What’s Good for What’s Best

As the new calendar year and the second half of my homeschool year get underway, I’ve been thinking about what’s going well for my family and what might need to be changed. You may have heard this quote by Oswald Chambers:

In seeking the Best we soon find that our enemy is our good things, not our bad.  The things that keep us back from God’s best are not sin and imperfection, but the things that are right and good and noble from the natural standpoint…Very few of us debate with the sordid and evil and wrong, but we do debate with the good.

trading-good-for-best

It’s so easy to look at other moms and think they have everything together. Their houses are always clean, their clothes are always washed (and folded, and put away!), their children always behave, and their kids’ school work always gets done and done well. But that’s not the truth!

Years ago, my husband and I built our house. Because of some unavoidable delays, our construction began in August of that year. On top of that, our contractor became very sick and wasn’t able to do his job, so the job of contracting fell to me. The months from August through December (when we moved into our house) were ridiculously busy!

We did what little school we could do during the construction of our house, but the main part of our school year happened after we moved in. That meant we did the bulk of our homeschooling from January through May that year. I somehow made it through the school year, but the following summer, everything fell apart.

I began suffering from depression and anxiety attacks.  I couldn’t sleep and was extremely tired all the time.  I think all of the stress I had been under from August to May (when I couldn’t allow myself to “break down” because I was too busy) finally caught up with me.  Even though I had finally been able to build and move into the home I’d been looking forward to for many years, I felt overwhelmed and anxious and sad. It took months and months to begin to feel like my “normal” self again.

We moms, and especially homeschooling moms, have a tendency to try to do it all!  As the quote above states, we let the business of “doing what’s good” get in the way of God’s best for us.  It’s not that we are tempted to do bad things.  We willingly avoid doing bad things.  Many times, though, we try to do too many “good” things.  I caused myself months of pain because I was trying to do too many good things.

I decided before the summer began that I was going to take the entire summer off to rest (as much as a mom can) and clear my calendar of any commitments at all.  I knew I absolutely had to have some time to slow down and not do so many things, even if they were good, so that I could get recharged before the next homeschool year began.

It turned out to be a wonderful summer.  I really did keep my commitment to only those things that HAD to be done–like grocery shopping and house cleaning.  We didn’t do lots of play dates or extra-curricular activities or much of anything else except church.  Even at church I didn’t commit to teaching any classes or planning anything.  I felt terrible about suddenly giving up most of my leadership positions, but looking back, it was the right thing to do for a time.

As the new year gets underway, I’m keeping in mind that I need to be sure doing what’s  good doesn’t get in the way of doing what’s best.

My house is not always clean, and the dishes aren’t always done.  Sometimes the school work must even wait until another day.  God is speaking to me, though, and letting me know that it’s all ok.  My main “job” right now is loving and caring for my husband and my children.

The next time you begin to feel stressed and worried and anxious, stop and ask yourself not if you are doing bad things, but if you might be doing too many good things.  Then pray and ask God to show you which good things you should lay down and which ones you should continue doing.  It may be that you are going to too many homeschool play days, activities, or classes.  It may be that you are trying to keep the house spotlessly clean.  It may be that you have too many leadership positions at church or somewhere else.  God can and will show you which things you really should be doing and which ones you really shouldn’t be doing if you will allow Him to do so.  Then, you will be in a position to receive God’s best for your family. And that’s a very good thing!

Lord, Help Me be More Like My Little Girl

Lord, help me live in such a way that my children learn to trust You!

Tonight, as I tucked my almost five-year old into bed, her prayer was simple:

“Dear God, please stop this abortion. Just cancel it. It’s wrong to kill babies. You can do it all by yourself. You don’t need any help—because you’re that big and that good.”

We weren’t expecting such a big thought to come from such a small girl…and a quiet hush came over the room. She trusts Him.

He IS that big, that good. We are facing many problems in our world today. Saylor’s prayer reminded me that I serve the King of Kings. The ONE who spread the heavens out like a canopy over the earth. The Lord of “heavens armies.” The One who made the seas and all that is in them.

He says our days were ordained for us before a single one of them came to be. He says we are to trust Him.

One day soon, He WILL make things right.

“Into His capable hands, I must commit the future of my children—and of all the broken things around me that I have no control over. My role is not to worry. It is to obey. It is to trust.”

Into His capable hands, I must commit the future of my children—and all of the broken things around me that I cannot fix. My role is not to worry. It is to obey. It is to trust. Lord, I do believe. Calm my mother’s heart. Help my unbelief!

Help me be more like my little girl.

 

—–Be Still My Soul—-
1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;

Finding Reasons to Celebrate Your Special Needs Child

One of my favorite things about parents of special needs children is that we celebrate every little bit of progress our kiddos make. We enjoy even the tiniest bits of progress our children make because it sometimes takes them weeks, months, or years to learn to do things that neuro-typical children learn to do in a few weeks, days, or even hours. So when our special needs children finally learn a new skill or even master something such as standing in line at the grocery store without having a melt-down, it gives us a reason to celebrate!

It’s so much fun watching our children learn to roll over, crawl, walk, and talk. In fact, we usually take for granted that our children will learn those things and forget how awesome it is to witness the progress our children make from birth—when they can do almost nothing for themselves—until they become young adults—who are able to take care of themselves independently.

I remember how thrilled my husband and I were when, at age 4, Hannah finally learned to feed herself! (She was—and still is—very hypotonic, so it was very hard for her to learn to hold and scoop food with a spoon or spear food with a fork.) We were overjoyed when she learned to put on her own socks and shoes. We celebrated when she finally (just a few years ago) began to be interested in and enjoy opening her own gifts at Christmas or her birthday.

But none of those experiences were equal to the one we had just a few weeks ago.

Several weeks ago, my 20-year-old daughter, Hannah–who has severe autism and is totally non-verbal, finally received her new augmentative communication device. It took us months of waiting and paperwork (and lots of work on the part of her speech pathologist for whom we are so grateful!!) before it finally arrived, so we were thrilled when it was delivered to us!

We were also a bit nervous because the communication devices we’ve tried in the past turned out to be very complicated, and Hannah wasn’t willing to use them. In fact, she flatly refused to use them after a while. We began to think that perhaps she just didn’t have an interest in communicating with us and that maybe she was content to point to things she wanted or take us to the things she wanted us to get for her or help her do. We began to think that we’d never have the chance to celebrate Hannah’s ability to talk to us—through the use of her own voice or of a communication device.

But thankfully, we were wrong!

Hannah’s new device, we call it her “talker” to make it simple, is a lot like an iPad. It has a main screen from which she can choose a main topic. Then, once she chooses a main topic from that screen, it takes her to another screen with more options related to that topic. Once her speech pathologist and I got the device set up the way we thought it would be easiest for Hannah to use, we began showing her how to get to different menus depending on what she wanted to communicate to us at that moment.

When Hannah’s younger sister, Mary Grace (age 12), saw the new device, she wanted to check and see how it works. She also was curious to know how Hannah would react to it and how much success she would have using it. For that reason, she went to the main screen, showed it to Hannah, and said, “Hannah, I want you to tell me something with your new talker. If you could tell me just one thing, what would it be?”

Immediately, Hannah looked at the screen, searched her options, and reached out to touch the topic she had chosen. Then the three of us—Hannah, Mary Grace, and I—heard Hannah’s new “voice” say, “I love you!” Mary Grace and I then looked at Hannah to see a huge smile on her face and a look that showed how happy she was to have finally been able to tell her sister that she loves her.

Of course Mary Grace and I began to cry. For the first time in 20 years, Hannah was able to express in words her love for her sister! It was a moment that I’m sure none of the three of us will ever forget. And you can be sure we celebrated that moment!

You see, even though it can be frustrating and tiring caring for a child with special needs, there are moments, just like there are with any other child, that are worth celebrating. There are moments of joy in the middle of the difficult times. There are breakthroughs that allow us to hang in there a little while longer.

As difficult as things sometimes are, I’m very thankful for these good times. I’m thankful that God has blessed us with this new opportunity for Hannah to use her “voice” to explore a whole new world that has opened up to her if she’ll take advantage of it. I’m thankful for the chance to share with other parents of special needs children and hopefully encourage them along the way.

In spite of circumstances that sometimes seem too difficult to handle, God can and will give you reasons to celebrate along the way. Just as Hannah loves her sister, God loves you and your special needs child. So get ready to celebrate!

If you have a child with special needs, what achievements are you celebrating recently?  Tell us so we can celebrate with you!