Tag Archives: worry and fear

Finding Purpose in Pain

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This life can be so hard.

I remember sitting with a precious woman who had a 2nd trimester abortion in 1974.

We cried together as she shared about her ongoing battle with grief and regret. She still grieves for her baby—and for all the babies who have been horrendously taken from the safety of their mother’s wombs since Roe v. Wade legalized abortion in 1973.

As she walks out her story, she is finding hope, healing, and forgiveness—but still. It hurts.

Long after the abortion, memories linger.  Like all of us who struggle with the consequences of sinful choices, the temptation to suffer in silence is great. Satan whispers, “You are beyond God’s reach.” Don’t believe it. Nothing is beyond His reach.

God wants your life to sing of His faithfulness and redemption. Redeemed people allow their souls to breathe in God’s inner healing and allow His spirit meets us in the midst of our pain.

I remember another night, Jay and I had dinner with a dear couple who were nearing the end of watching their precious father succumb to Alzheimer’s. Tears flowed as we prayed for God’s peace to flood their hearts and home.

That same evening, I received the news that an amazing young husband had lost his battle with brain cancer. Even in their suffering, his family shared their story. They wrote on Facebook about what it’s like to feel God’s presence in ways they never dreamed. Reading their story reminded me again that this world is not our home. It encouraged me to keep walking. Keep praying. Keep trusting.

Trusting God when things are going well is one thing—trusting Him when things are hard is another.

As a woman who has experienced great suffering, I can tell you that my suffering has become my sermon. Why? Because like the people whose stories I shared briefly about here, I have learned that God uses even, no—especially in suffering to bring about His purposes.

No one can minister to a woman who is considering abortion like a woman who lives with the regret of choosing one herself. I can’t touch the heart of that mom who is losing her husband to cancer like a woman who has walked that road and found God in the midst of her suffering. The woman who has been abused knows how to intercede for a victim of abuse in a significant way.

There is power in the testimony of those who walk through suffering and use it to bring glory to the One who holds all things in His hands.

We may not be immune to suffering, but we do not need to fear it, either.

We do not need to be afraid, because we know that God’s heart toward us is always, ever, only good. Listen to these words from David:

GOD is sheer mercy and grace;
not easily angered, he’s rich in love.
He doesn’t endlessly nag and scold,
nor hold grudges forever.
He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve,
nor pay us back in full for our wrongs.
As high as heaven is over the earth,
so strong is his love to those who fear him.
(Psalm 103:8-11 MSG)

As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is His love for those who fear Him. That’s our God. He does not waste anything. No bad decision, no illness, no suffering. He uses it all.

Your pain has a purpose. It is to glorify God.

“Trust me in your times of trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me glory”
(Psalm 50:15 NLT).

I promise you—when I sit with a woman who is crippled by anxiety and plagued by nightmares from her past, God is getting glory. Why? Because I found God in the midst of my own struggle. He was there—and His redemptive work in my life has become my life-song.

Does this make our suffering easy? No. But knowing that God is at work behind the scenes brings purpose to pain. God will use whatever He wants to show off His glory: heaven and earth. Nations and presidents. Broken people.

Broken people? Hey wait! That’s me! It makes my heart come alive with hope to know that God wants to use even my pain and struggle. On the days when you don’t have the strength to fight, remember this: God is at work.

You’re beautiful to the One who made you. You were made to sing a song of the redeemed.

You are more than what is hurting you. You belong to God—and He is making all things new.

“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
(Isaiah 40:31 NIV)

Breathing in His grace with you,
Heidi St. John

How to Hang On to the Knot at the End of Your Rope

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You’ve heard the old saying, I’m sure:

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.

It’s a great visual, isn’t it? But here’s my question, “What do you do next?” I mean you can’t just hang there at the end of your rope, holding on to a knot forever, can you?

I recently found myself nearing the end of my own rope. Living life as a  a wife, mom, and homeschool teacher, who also works from home, blogs, attempts to love my neighbor, and suffers with chronic pain . . well, it all just took it’s toll on me. There were days when I literally felt like a knot was not going to be big enough for me to hang on to. Have you ever had that kind of anxiety, where you feel like you’re on the edge of a cliff, and one small breeze is going to knock you over it. That was me.

Something had to change. Actually some thingS had to change. But I had to begin, and I quickly discovered that figuring out where to begin was the hardest part. The following are the steps I took, and if you, too, are finding yourself at the end of your rope, or standing on the edge of a cliff trying to keep the wind at bay, I hope you will find hope and useful action steps here.

Evaluate

You may need to write this stuff down in order to really see the big picture, but begin evaluating your life.

  • Where are you spending your time? Be honest with yourself.
  • What is the focus of most of your energy?
  • Whose needs are you expected to meet on a daily or weekly basis. Are you doing so?
  • Why are you over-committed?

It didn’t take me long to figure out that I was spending much more time and energy on projects outside of my responsibilities as a wife and homeschool mom, than I should be. While I was serving my clients and readers well, I was doing a poor job of serving my family. The house was a mess, not enough homeschooling was getting done, we were eating more take-out than home-cooked meals, and I was not sleeping enough. This upside-down way of living will cause tremendous stress, not only because you will not have enough time in your days, but also because it will cause your relationships to suffer. Not to mention the exhaustion. Eventually, the lack of sleep will catch up with you. It did with me. And as a middle-aged woman living with auto-immune disease, this is probably the part that was tipping me over the edge the most.

The cause of your upside-down living might be different than mine. Perhaps you’re spending too much time serving your church (you can do that, really) or your community. Maybe you’re allowing friends or neighbors to take advantage of your time because you have a hard time saying, “no.” After all, you’re just a stay-at-home-mom, right? You have all the time in the world!

Whatever it is, write it all down. Be honest with yourself.

Eliminate

Begin eliminating what you can, as soon as you can. I was in a position with my main work client where I needed to finish out a project for a few months before I could step out. There were a few smaller jobs I could drop much sooner though, and I did. Right away, I began turning down new offers.

Purpose yourself right now to begin saying “no” to anything that does not benefit your main goal — for me that was serving my family better and getting more rest. Within a couple of weeks of finally getting to a good place, I was offered 3 more jobs. These were great opportunities that the old me would have jumped at. But I was firm in my resolve, and today, there are no regrets for saying, “no.”

Equip

When you have been accustomed to living at breakneck speed for a long time, and then find yourself with time on your hands again, it will be easy to slip back into old habits. Equip yourself now to prevent that from happening. Here are a few things you can do:

  • Purpose to put first things first.
  • Practice saying, “no.”
  • Pray before saying “yes” to any new opportunities.

Enjoy

If you’re hanging from a knot, then chances are you have not been enjoying life much. It is not as easy to slow down as one might think. You will suddenly feel as though you are wasting time by not filling every minute with some kind of purposeful activity. You’re not. Take time to begin enjoying life again. Spend time with your family, see a movie, go to the park, bake cookies. Seriously . . . these were things I struggled to find time for. I could not even take a vacation with my family without either working double time before and after, or working from the hotel room at night. It was crazy. Everyone needs down time. Don’t feel guilty about taking some for yourself.

It’s been a few months since I made some major changes in how I’m spending my time and how I serve my family. I still have work to do, but there has been much progress.

How are you doing, busy mom? Are you hanging on to a knot, trying to figure out what to do next? Take heart. There is a way out. Trust me . . . if I can find it, you can do.

Are You Waiting for Spring?

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waiting-for-spring

I’m sitting on my porch this morning, drinking a cup of coffee.  I’m wrapped in a blanket, and it’s breezy.  But, the signs are there, in the slightest little ways.  My little girl just brought me flowers she found by the pond.  There are birds chirping and pecking for bugs in my backyard.  The sun is warmer on my face than it has been in recent days.  And it does something to my heart.  It feels like hope. I can feel it coming, days playing outside with my little ones; the relief from months of being inside, missing activities because of one more sickness passing through.  Does it ever feel this way to you?

This spring comes at a unique time for our family as I have been on bedrest awaiting the arrival of our littlest since shortly before Christmas.  It has been a long season.  In more ways than just the weather, it has been a winter of sorts here.  It has felt dark, hard, and confining.  There has been grace in so many ways, and I am so grateful for it! But it has still been hard for our whole family.  It has been a day after day trudging through, anxiously waiting for the day when the burden is lifted, when the sun breaks through the clouds.  My son captured it well this afternoon as we were chatting and he told me “It’s just going to be great Mom.  She’s going to make all our lives better when she’s here.”  Yes she will little man, yes she will.

I’m so grateful to live in an area with seasons.  The shifting, inevitable change.  His hand over all of it is palpable.  There is no way for me to imagine that any of it happens without His control.  A beautiful song by Steven Curtis Chapman captures it so well as he sings

“Feel the sun on your skin
Growing strong and warm again
Watch the ground: there’s something moving
Something is breaking through
New life is breaking through

Spring is coming, Spring is coming
And all we’ve been hoping and longing for soon will appear”

Is your heart anxiously awaiting spring?  Physically or metaphorically?  Know that He brings it.  And nothing on this earth can stop His hand when He declares its’ impending arrival.

When You Can’t Be the Mom You Want to Be

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There are dinner dishes from yesterday still on the counter.  My daughter’s laundry hasn’t been put away in weeks.  The 2 year old’s clothes I started sorting weeks ago?  Still in a basket in his closet.  My husband wakes up early to settle all the kids through breakfast before he goes to work, and comes home to pick up the pieces I’ve dropped throughout the day.  You see, I am 29 weeks pregnant with our fourth baby, and have been on partial bedrest for the last 4 weeks with quite a few more to go.  And so many days are the same.  There is just so much I cannot do.  I want to.  I long to fulfill my typical role.  But for now, I just cannot do it all.

Sound at all familiar to you?  Perhaps your circumstances are different.  Maybe you’ve had a death in the family, or an extended season of frequent sickness.  Maybe you’ve recently moved, or are preparing to.  Any number of situations could put you in a similar spot!  I don’t know about you, but if I let myself, I feel so.easily.defeated in these times.

cant-be-mom-you-want-to-be

 

Last night I was awake having contractions and my typical pregnancy insomnia.  My mind was swirling with thoughts of all the ways in which it feels like I am failing my family.  All the different ways my husband and children are having to pick up the pieces that I have left scattered all around.  In the midst of my defeat, the Lord was so kind and gracious to keep bringing the word “joy” to my mind.  I love when He does that.  I woke this morning praying for a different day.  For joy in the midst of these circumstances that are different than I would choose right now.  As I prayed, I realized that while there are many things right now that I cannot do, there are things I can do!  I can pray for His grace to cover our family and carry us through these days.  I can choose to have an attitude towards my children and interactions with them and my husband that are honoring to Him and helpful for their hearts!

In my house today, this meant that instead of doing a more involved science experiment that I just wasn’t up for, my kids helped me scoop ingredients for dry mix bags of baked oatmeal.  It means that when I started contracting again after 15 minutes of folding clothes on my girlie’s floor while she cleaned, we all stopped, and moved on to playing and snacks.  Because her room being clean is just NOT the most important thing right now.  Sure, I could have stayed there, pushing myself physically, or snapping at her to keep cleaning and making us all miserable.  But nothing about that is helpful or encouraging for any of us.  Believe me, there are plenty of times when I don’t take it in stride.  When I live in frustration and discouragement over what isn’t happening or what I can’t do, I make my entire family miserable in the process.

There are days where tasks must be accomplished – when I have to push through the attitude, or my own exhaustion, or any number of things to get the house cleaned before Bible study, or get a full solid day of school in after a week of sickness.  But right now, in the midst of this season?  I don’t have to, and in fact, it is better if I don’t try to.  Because for these weeks and likely a few months, life just looks different.  It looks like snuggles, books,  naps,  movies, and more electronic time than I prefer.  And IT IS OKAY!  It will not always be this way, but for now, my goal is to relish this time for what it is, to enjoy puzzles and games and books, and to let my attitude about our circumstances not make this any harder than it is already.

What about you, mamas?  Are you in a season where every day requires you to take it in stride?  It is hard, but so worth it, to rest in what He has for us, even in times where we just don’t feel like we are doing all we should.  He gives grace and peace for these days, and will help us see His plans if we only ask.

Surviving and Thriving During Trials

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Surviving and Thriving During Trials

I hung up the phone and looked into my husband’s expectant eyes.

“She’s not coming.” I whispered.

He sighed with unspoken understanding and continued with what ever task he was attending to.  I can’t remember what it was.

My heart ached and tears threatened, but taking a deep breath, I continued to wrap the multitudes of gifts piled high on the floor in front of me.

Our adult daughter would not be joining us for the holidays.  The reason why is a long story, but suffice to say that it made this mama want to cry.

My husband and I have been walking down this parenting a prodigal path for some time now and although there are days when my heart aches and I want to cry (and do!) we have learned so much about the faithfulness of God.

If you’re going through a season of trial like us, I have few words of hope for you.  And if you’re not going through trying times now, bookmark this page because it’s probably around the corner.

“Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.”  2 Timothy 3:12

Surviving and Thriving During Trials

Don’t Hide:  It’s kind of sad to say that, as Christians, we fear the judgement of other Christians.  Honestly though, God created the church for just such a time as this.  Prayerfully consider who to invite into your prayer circle.  We wrestle not against flesh and blood.  We need corporate prayer!

Don’t Make it About You:  It’s easy to fall into the trap of self-centeredness, focusing on our own pain and suffering.  There is a time for that to be sure, but ultimately a focus on self isn’t the answer.  It’s not about you!  God allows difficulties in our lives to refine us, right?  Allow God to work in you and share that with others!  There is a sweet peace in glorifying God through trials.

Don’t Seek Worldly Wisdom:  Although there is much wisdom in godly counsel from pastors, family and friends, ultimately it is God who holds the answers for your unique situation.  Remember, God is not surprised by anything that you are going through.  He wants to guide you and has an unending supply of wisdom for all who ask.

Don’t Ask Why:  While you’re seeking God’s wisdom for your situation, try asking God ‘What?’ rather than ‘Why?’.  Ask God what it is that He is trying to teach you and your family.  Likely, the ‘why’ to your situation is beyond your understanding any way.  Rest, knowing that God is working this all for the good and seek to grow through your situation.

Don’t Give Up:  This is not an easy path, Sweet Mama. There have been times that I’ve been angry with God, arrogantly rejecting His peace and demanding change.  Boy, am I thankful for grace!  Don’t give up.  God is faithful to complete the works that He began in you and your family – works that have been ordained since before time began.

When your heart feels like it will break and nothing makes sense, it can seem impossible to do as James said and ‘consider it all joy when you encounter trials’.  Be encouraged by what Paul, who was well-familiar with suffering, said in Romans 12:12, ‘rejoice in hope‘.  We can rejoice during trials because we have hope – hope in an all-powerful, all-knowing, loving God.

Won’t you trust Him today?

Finding REST in a Frightening, Chaotic World

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REST-in-chaos

As I was preparing to write this, there was yet another mass shooting in our country.  It has become clear that this is not going away.  Fear seems to be a blanket that is beginning to hang in the air like a thick fog.  It lifts every now and then, but not for very long.

It’s not just the shootings, it’s the response of Christians to each other, the lack of solid leadership in our country, natural disasters and more.  It feels like the world is on fire.  We fear for our children and grandchildren.  We feel helpless and deep down inside, we can’t help but hear the insidious voice of the enemy hissing, “Where is your God?”

I’m here to tell you that OUR GOD IS ALIVE AND WELL!   He is still on the throne, and He is sovereign and good and loving. (Psalm 62).  He loves his people and nothing touches us unless it passes through his loving hand FIRST.

But when we feel like everything is falling apart, chaotic, and just plain frightening, what is it that we are desperately needing, wanting, scrambling for?  REST.  And God says we will never find it apart from him.

So I’m giving you some tools for your tool box to help you find REST.  Practical.  Time tested. Unchanging.  We have very little control in this life, but we CAN choose to give God his rightful place on the throne of our hearts which in turn will give us the rest we so desperately need. 

R-Read (and meditate) on God’s word.

The times and culture changes, but Isaiah 40:8 tells us that God’s word stands forever. If we are going to anchor our life in anything, it should be something that will stand the test of time.

Hebrews 4:12 says that the word is living and active and  gives us discernment. Isn’t that what we need as wives, moms and as believers?

Isaiah 55:11 says that God’s word always produces fruit. So even if you are a busy mom who gets little snippets of time here and there in His word, God promises that it will be productive! I think he also has a very soft spot in his heart for each one of our situations. He knows the demands on our lives and he gently leads us with grace and mercy. (Isaiah 40:11)

Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom, get out your Bible and READ it! Psalms and Proverbs are solid and practical.  You can also use a topical study Bible to search God’s word for specific subjects.  I love using my journaling Bible and have a highlighter and pen handy for marking certain verses that stand out to me and making notes as to what God is showing me. It’s also easier to find them again if I want to reference them later.  Write key verses out on cards and hang them in places you will read them often.

E-Exalt Him.

I can’t tell you how important it is that we worship God. We are all created to worship and we are worshiping something or someone every moment. God created us to worship HIM and when we do that, we are not only acting in obedience to Him, we are turning our eyes toward Him and focusing on who He is. In that process, He becomes bigger and our problems become smaller. It changes our desires and aligns our hearts with his.  Turn on the praise and worship music and let it fill your home, your car, your heart and your mind.

S-Be Still.

This is a tough one, but absolutely essential to hearing from God. As busy moms, we often feel like we simply can. not. stop. The reality is that we actually can.   Maybe we cannot stay up a little later than the kids or get up a little earlier.  But maybe we could utilize nap time instead of trying to get more done, use quiet times in the car, take a walk, ask our husbands to watch the kids for 20 minutes while we sit someplace that we can be alone.  If remotely possible, I love to do this while taking a short rest or before I get up in the mornings (pretending to be asleep)!  Even if we only find ourselves with a few moments here and there throughout the day to pause and quiet our hearts before the Lord, there will be a good return!

The biggest help for me lately has been putting my phone in airplane mode. I wouldn’t call myself a phone addict, but as I’ve been more careful to make time to quiet my heart, I can see that I actually do spend  more time there than I should. The reality is that I am making a trade off every time I choose to be on my phone… even for 2 minutes, because it takes my mind a different direction.  I am suddenly way less intentional.

When we shut everything off and choose to wait on the Lord, carefully listening for His voice, we give him his rightful place in our hearts. We give him time and space to speak to us. Essentially, we say, “Lord, You are more important to me than anything else.”

T-Take your thoughts captive.

We are engaged in a spiritual battle every.single.day.  (2 Corin. 10:3-5) We cannot ever, ever forget that! Our battle is NOT against flesh and blood and the battle begins with our thoughts. In order to have victory over our enemy, we must keep a close watch on where our minds are. Have you ever noticed that when a feeling of unrest comes over you and you stop to realize what it is that you’re thinking about, it’s NEVER good? Our emotions can serve as a red flag that our thoughts are going places they shouldn’t.  (Phil. 4:8)

One of the best ways to combat anxiety and lack of rest is gratitude (1 Thes. 5:18).  “God asks us to show Him gratitude in the dark times of change because He knows that’s how we find Him in the dark.” (Kristin Strong)

Instead of being fearfully distracted, let’s be intentionally faith filled.

Our kids are watching us. We are showing them by example whether God is loving or not, whether he is sovereign or not, whether he is trustworthy or not.  Let’s show them that He truly IS all of those things.  Let’s leave a legacy of faith, for their sake and for ours!

Strength for the Weary Mom

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In March of 2010, as I was planning Savannah’s high school graduation, I found out that I was pregnant. We were not surprised at this news, because we had planned this baby (as much as is humanly possible.) I was feeling very sure of my ability to take on another child when a woman on the graduation committee looked me right in my eyes and said, “Well, Heidi St. John, I admire you! You know what you’re getting into and you’re still willing to have another one!”

I forced a smile. “You must LOVE kids!” she said.

I confess. I was a little irritated. “We love our kids,” I replied, trying not to let my tone reveal my true feelings. “We’re excited to have another little one in our home.” I’m sure she didn’t realize it then, but her words stung. They exacerbated feelings of doubt and insecurity that were already there. After all, this was not her journey, I told myself. It was ours!

Four months later, as I was listening to the commencement address at Savannah’s graduation service, my mind wandered. The small kicks and hiccups of our unborn daughter Saylor Jane left no doubt in my mind: I was so in love with this new little one!  Our children had readily embraced the fact that they were going to be sharing a bedroom with another sibling. I was slowly collecting newborn clothes again (it had been five years since we had a baby) and searching Craigslist for a crib.

I thought I had gotten over the looks and condescending statements from others and I was feeling pretty good about our decision when all of the sudden my mind filled with doubt and worry. I thought about the sleepless nights that were ahead of me.  I wondered how my body was going to hold up under the strain of another pregnancy. After all, I wasn’t a young girl anymore.

“For you do not wrestle against flesh and blood…” Eph 4

In case you don’t believe it yet, let me assure you, the devil is real. I felt his icy grip on my heart as my thoughts of confidence turned to doubt and worry.

When Savannah was born, I was in my early twenties. Now, I was facing pregnancy and birth in my early forties. What was I doing? I thought I had the strength I needed to run the race that was before me, but when I looked at the five children who had yet to graduate from high school and felt the kick of our seventh child within me, my knees went a little weak.  What was I even doing?

“Take every thought captive …” I heard the Lord gently interrupt my wandering heart.

Satan wages his deadly war against us on the battlefield of the mind. I knew I needed to take my thoughts captive. “Lord, help me! Remind me of Your love and strength! Replace these thoughts with Your thoughts!”

God is so faithful. He gently comforted me and the feelings of insecurity began to fade as I repeated His name: Jesus, Jesus. My life is yours. This child is blessing, just like you say in Your word. Thank you that You can be trusted.

It was then that I knew it for sure: I was still at the beginning of a journey that would take me many more years to complete. I had completed eighteen years—and I was starting again, except that this time, I had the blessing of perspective.

Really, veteran moms are not much different than new moms aside from that one beautiful thing. Perspective changes you. It gives you a heads-up that new moms don’t have. Veteran moms know how fast time goes by.

If you are not sure where to get the strength you’ll need for the journey, I want to encourage you—because this beautifully broken mother of seven would like to give you a gentle hug and a high-five as I point you to the true well-spring of life and strength: Jesus.

That’s where strength is found.

He wants to make you strong… but you’ve got to come to the place of wanting His strength in order to find it. God doesn’t require strength for the journey, either. His promise to you is that as you come to Him, you will find strength. His gift is living water; hope for the hopeless, strength for the weary.

Run to him, precious mom. Strength is found in the arms of Jesus. Wherever you are, take a moment and talk to God. He’s waiting. He’s listening.

Lord, help me to be like Abraham, who, by faith, when called to go to a place where he would later receive his inheritance, obeyed and went… not because he knew the outcome, but because he trusted you.

Oh that we would have faith like Abraham! God is faithful!