Tag Archives: parenting

Teaching Our Kids About Honor

Yesterday, I was in a grocery store with my daughter. She was glancing at magazine covers as we unloaded our cart contents onto the conveyor belt. Aside from the usual gossip magazine covers, I noticed that several major magazines had lead stories about young people (and a few not-so-young people) who were making the most of their celebrity status—by behaving foolishly.

A magazine cover indicates a certain sort of honor, doesn’t it? That’s what my young daughter assumes.

Have you ever wondered why it’s important that we use wisdom in giving honor? You don’t have to look much farther than the newspaper and national media to figure out that we’re not exercising much discernment in bestowing honor these days. Here’s who we are currently elevating to “celebrity” status:

Athletes whose lives off the field are a wreck
Pastors who have a “following” but lack personal integrity
Reality TV personalities
Bloggers (hello!)
Actors
Musicians

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that these people are not worth of honor. But honestly? It’s not hard to see we have a problem where honor is concerned in our culture. The Bible has a lot to say about the importance of bestowing honor.

As snow in summer, and as rain in harvest, so honor is not fitting for a fool.

In Romans 13:7, Paul instructs us to give honor to whom honor is due. When we honor people such as athletes simply based on their skill and ignore their personal lives, we do everyone a disservice. When we honor celebrities who clearly have huge moral deficits, what message are we sending to our children?

I believe the message is clear: we’re telling our kids that as long as they can produce something that other people want (like a winning touchdown), all bets regarding their behavior are off. There’s no clear solution on the horizon, either. As a culture, we need to do a better job of honoring those to whom honor is due. Christian or not, behavior matters.

As parents, this translates into everyday life with our children. When we praise our children for their achievements regardless of their behavior, we’re not doing them any favors. Praise them for their integrity, courage, kindness, respect and honesty. Let’s help our children to make wise choices by making wise choices ourselves. When we honor the wise choices they make, we are teaching our children what is worthy of praise.

When You Can’t Get It “All” Done: Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist

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The other day, a sweet mom in Harrisburg asked me, “What does your day look like?” In other words, “HOW DO YOU GET IT ALL DONE?” I love this question, because it allows me to be totally transparent with whomever I’m talking to, and hopefully, speak a little freedom at the same time.

Basically, I have two answers for that particular Busy Mom FAQ:

1) I have a book (and a workshop on CD) about that called, The Busy Homeschool Mom’s Guide to Daylight! Really, you should check it out … it’s full of ideas and encouragement for busy moms like you! 🙂

2) While there are many practical tips for getting things done, I hesitate to tell you how I do it ALL. Why? Because the reality is that I don’t do “it all.” Not even close. No one does.

I am a recovering perfectionist. “Type A” at my core. It’s easy for me to judge the inside of my life by the outside of someone else’s. I see “that mom” who’s blogging and homeschooling and pinning her latest frugal fashion finds and I think, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like that?” Can you relate?

If you can, be encouraged, because no one is doing it all. They’re really not. Pictures only tell a nano-second of the real story; the rest goes unseen—and the rest of the story is this: Pinterest Perfect Mom isn’t getting it all done either, because she doesn’t exist.

Of course, it’s important to get things done—but how these things get done will look different in each family, each year, each season, and likely even for each child. And that’s okay. You don’t have to try and be SuperMom. You just need to be surrendered.

Only God knows exactly the plans He has for you – and the best way to find out what that plan is… is to listen.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

Don’t you love that? I do, because it means I’m free to seek God’s heart for my family—free to stop comparing my life to that woman I think is “super mom” and free to be all that God has created me to be.

Are you listening to that “still, small voice?” It’s so hard to be still, but it is a requirement if we’re going to hear from God in this bustling, busy world.

Shhh. He’s still speaking.

Don’t Turn Away: Trouble in the Homeschool Movement

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Oops. It happened again.

Another “pillar” of the homeschool movement has resigned after allegations of sexual misconduct and inappropriate behavior.

“In allegations going back decades, Gothard, 79, and unmarried, is said to have specifically targeted young women and teen girls to perform administrative duties for him at IBLP’s headquarters, where he eventually would make unwanted and inappropriate physical contact while also manipulating them emotionally.” (Christian Post.com)

This comes just months after a scandal at Vision Forum forced the resignation of Doug Phillips. Of course, I’m troubled by this. But what’s more troubling to me is the lack of concern that the homeschool community seems to have for the victims of Gothard’s and Phillips teachings. There seems to be more concern for protecting these men and their “ministries” because it may have a negative impact on homeschooling than for the lives of the people who have been hurt and abused.

What in the world are we thinking?

I’d like to make something very clear: Bill Gothard and Doug Phillips are not the spokesmen for the homeschool movement. They represent an ideology that has somehow, over the years, gotten much more attention than it ever should have received.

These men have told us how to dress, what to say, when to use birth control (or not) and how to school our children. I say it’s time we had a discussion about it. There’s an elephant in the homeschool movement.

Someone said I was making a “mockery” of a fellow Christian by posting a link to the scandal on my page. I disagree. No one is making a mockery of a fellow Christian. Pretending that it didn’t happen is not helping anyone. Is it painful and embarrassing? Yes. Where there’s sin, pain is sure to follow. My heart breaks for the families, especially the women who have been hurt by the patriocentric, hyper-legalistic, hard-core fundamentalist mentality that has erroneously come to represent the homeschool movement.

Am I sorry to have to say names? Yes. But I’m even more sorry this has been allowed to continue unchecked for so long. Enough is enough. The number of women I have spoken privately to over the years who have been deeply wounded by these teachings compels me to break my silence about the ugly side of a movement that I love. The trouble is not homeschooling. The trouble is false or extra-biblical teaching that has infiltrated large parts of the homeschool movement.

Having been directly impacted by this teaching myself, I hope that others may finally find some release from the legalistic, man-centered teaching that these men and others like them espouse. This latest scandal has proven once again that we MUST NOT, we cannot, put our faith in men.

However, we mustn’t “throw the baby out with the bath water.” There are many good teachers out there who are stewarding God’s gift to them wisely and with great humility. But even a good teacher’s message is not above scrutiny. As individuals, we should hold all things up to the authority of Scripture. We must study the Bible for ourselves rather than relying solely on the words of others, even if they seem like good words.

There are many flawed teachings at ATI and Vision Forum. The worst of them have deeply hurt women and young Christian girls who were vulnerable and whose parents were desperately searching for a formula that would produce the desired result. After all, who doesn’t want that perfect family, that obedient child, that perfect marriage? Formulaic teaching produces one of two things: pride (if/when we get it “right”) or discouragement, disillusionment, and guilt when we don’t.

Once again, thousands of parents who were looking to men have been disillusioned and wounded. Once again, we are left to weep and wonder why it was allowed to get this out of control. We must speak out.

By not speaking out, we become guilty by association. For example, it pains me that the seven children God has blessed me and my husband with automatically associates us with the “quiverfull movement.” Frankly, I’m embarrassed to be associated with such a movement. I have finally decided to be brave and just say it: I don’t believe this movement is biblical.

Movements like this start with a true biblical premise, the fact that the Bible says children are a blessing. This is truth! This is the message we should be sharing! However, “ministries” like the ones Gothard and Phillips started tread deeply into areas of personal conviction, in an attempt to make others feel responsible to believe what they believe, even to the point of teaching things the Bible does not clearly address as fact.

My husband and I believe that homeschooling is a wonderful option for families. In fact, I’d go so far as to say we believe it is the best option. We are grieved to see how it has been hijacked by ideologies and legalism, especially since homeschooling affords us and our children so much freedom to learn and grow together. Homeschooling allows committed parents to provide an excellent education for their children. Homeschooling is not the problem.

The bottom line? Unless we begin to study the Bible for ourselves rather than blindly following the teachings of charismatic personalities, we will continue to see these kinds of abuses happen. Until we say collectively that “enough is enough” and talk about what has happened, it will continue.

Don’t turn away. Like a virus, sin festers and grows when it is ignored. Where forgiveness is needed, I pray we will forgive. Where repentance is required, I pray there is repentance. I don’t want our children to think that their father or I rely on anything but God. We don’t have all the answers. There is no formula, only faith guided by God’s truth.

The moment we begin to trust that God really can finish the work in our children that He began through us will be the moment we will truly learn to trust God and stop leaning on formulas. If you ever listen to a teacher or minister who directs you beyond the grace and love of Jesus alone, run. Our hope is in Jesus. No where else.

I’m praying a little more urgently for leaders and pastors and mothers and fathers tonight.

God knows we need His healing touch.

For more information about Jay and Heidi St. John’s ministry:

No One Told Me It Could Be So Hard: 3 Things Every Struggling Mom Needs to Know

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I love my kids. Our seven children range in age from 3 to 22 at the moment. Our oldest daughter and her husband have a beautiful little boy. That makes me *gasp* “Mamsi.” Our youngest daughter is an “aunt” at the age of three. I love that too. Sometimes I look at my children and I cannot believe how fast the years go by—but there are days when I have struggled to appreciate the gift I’ve been given.

Last week, I saw a blog post go by on my Facebook feed from a girl (to call her a woman would be going too far) about why she thinks it’s selfish to have kids. I didn’t visit her blog—since she was obviously writing to boost her blog stats. Such ridiculous dribble. Nope. Not gonna read it.

Not a day later, I received an email from a mom who felt like she was failing. She had met yet another “quiverfull” mom at a homeschool event. I don’t know why we insist on all these labels. From the outside, the family appeared to be the perfect family. Every little girl in dresses; every little boy the perfect … well, little boy. Now, I’ve met dozens of families with dozens of kids over the years. Some of them are my very dear friends. In fact, I believe the family probably didn’t intend to make this mom feel guilty about her own family, but in the end, that’s what happened.

It’s easy for things to look perfect from the outside. We “pin” perfection. Imperfection doesn’t go over so well. I wish we’d all stop trying to appear perfect. It’s not helping anyone. Not really. Motherhood is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. More demanding for sure. No one told me it was going to be so hard.

When our kids were little and we were in the throes of having them, not one person told me that the real work of mothering goes on long after the potty training and driver’s ed ends. That’s when the real work begins.

I’m going to be brutally honest about the cost of being a mom, because I think it’s time someone was honest. There is a cost. If we’re going to encourage each other at all, we must talk about the hard parts. Parenting is seasonal; each season has it’s ups and downs.

When our kids were all little, parenting was challenging—and the challenge was just to stay alive. It was a marathon of on-the-job training. Stay on top of the laundry, the dishes, the discipline, the mess. My husband and I were challenged to find time to nurture our marriage. We were challenged by the enormous responsibility of shaping little hearts and minds. It was daunting; but it was do-able. It was an exhausting season but a joyful one.

New babies grew to toddlers. Toddlers turned to bright-eyed tweens. More babies. More challenges. I’d love to say I did it perfectly. I didn’t.

As the kids grew, I grew. I grew as a mother. Mostly, I grew from making mistakes. There was the time I yelled at my 15 year old during a teen get together she was hosting at our house. Yeah. That was embarrassing. There was the time I mistook one culprit for another and disciplined the wrong child. Bummer. I apologized. We moved on. We grew again.

As the years passed, the challenge became holding my tongue. It became a call to prayer. I began to learn how to surrender things I could not control with a swat on the bottom or a time out.

As a nearly 44 yr old mother, I see things differently than I did twenty years ago. Honestly, I see a lot of things differently.

I have a little circle of friends I call when I’m stuck. These are women who have been parenting a long time. A few of them have large families like mine. A few don’t. One thing we’re all discovering as we grow into the “older moms”—it’s a marathon. It’s not for sissies. There are three things that I especially wish someone would have told me when my husband and I were in the midst of having children. I hope they’ll encourage you if you’re struggling to appreciate the precious responsibility you have been given in shaping your children.

Labels will mess with you—and they’ll set you up for failure.

Call it what you will: “quiverful” “homeschooling” “patriarchal” … whatever. As soon as you identify with yourself as part of a movement, you’re in for trouble. When I was in my early twenties, we got invited to a parenting class. Eventually, that parenting class gave birth to an entire generation of parents who judged and yard-sticked each other’s every move.

Our kids were held up as examples. The pressure was enormous. Boy how I wish I would’ve avoided that like the plague.The problem with labels is that they’re just another name for formulaic parenting. You know what I’ve learned? There is no formula.

As soon as we believe we’ve found the holy grail of parenting, we fall into the trap that pride has laid for us. Doesn’t matter how clever the disguise. And by the way: the labels are usually passed off “biblical teaching,” too. That’s sad.

We’re all unique. We were not created to be the same or parent the same. We’re different! Be careful not to let someone else define what your family should look like.
Grace, busy mom. Grace

Mothering Is A Continual Surrender

This is a hard one. It’s especially hard as the kids get older and you still have younger ones to parent. You’ll get tired of saying the same thing over and over. You’ll likely get tired of kids arguing. You might wonder what you got yourself into from time to time. That’s okay.

I had to give myself permission to admit how hard motherhood can be. Honestly? Admitting it was the first step toward enjoying it! Somehow I had come to believe that my being tired and wanting to resign from time to time was failing. Turns out, it’s just part of the surrender. Just when I get through a rough patch with one child, another one enters their own rough patch.

Need to make it easier? Find a good friend and be honest about your ups and downs. Keep surrendering.

Your identity should not come from being a mom.

My hunch is that I’m going to take some criticism for this. I think this one is hard very young moms to grasp; but it’s so important! Many years ago, this truth was shared with me from another wise mother. She had raised her five girls and literally poured her life out to do it. When her last child left home, she was devastated. She battled depression and resentment. Her marriage suffered. Finally, at her husband’s request, she decided to do something that was just for her.She told me she wished she had done it years earlier. She began a small craft business and now, she’s enjoying a season of being a grandmother and an Etsy entrepreneur.

Her advice to me? “Do something to nurture your spirit while you nurture your children. Don’t wait until they’re grown.” .. and so, I began to write. Fifteen years ago I started writing a little column for our church newsletter. I loved it. It helped me think about something other than dishes and diapers. Eventually I wrote a book. Then another.

People sometimes ask me how I find time to write when I’m raising children. I don’t find time. I make it. Sometimes, it’s early in the morning. Sometimes it’s late. Truthfully? Writing is a joy for me. So I make time for it. Find your identity in being the woman God has created you to be. Part of your identity is found in motherhood. Where else is it found? What gifts has He given you? Do you like to organize? Teach? Sew? Write?

If you take time to nurture your spirit, even just a little, while your children are still growing, when they leave, you’ll find the transition will be easier.

Go easy on yourself, mom. Give yourself grace as you navigate the sometimes choppy waters of parenting. If you need to take a break, take a break. Pour some Cheerios for dinner and make a list of what you have to be thankful for. Write your dreams out—breathe deep.

Motherhood only lasts for a season. Some of us have longer seasons than others but in the end, motherhood is a journey worth taking.

Now excuse me. I hear hollering from the other room… I think the toddler is having an issue.

Where’s my cape? Bless her heart, my toddler is the only one of my seven kids who still thinks I wear one.

Your Kids Need Dating Too!

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Our parent hearts need to be connected to our children. A large part of the parenting journey is getting to know what makes our children tick, what makes them happy, or upset, what they’re passionate about, where they struggle, and where their strengths lie.

If you have more than one child, you may find you have difficulty finding time to really get into the heart of these areas. With 4 kids in our family, we definitely have to plan intentional time for one-on-one, and planning a special date time with your kids is a great way to do it!

Too often when we think of dates, even as a husband and wife, we think it needs to be elaborate, fancy, super special, or include “going out” somewhere. But in reality, the purpose behind dating someone is to spend undistracted, intentional time together. This can really be accomplished ANYWHERE!

The first step to planning special dates with your kids is to take a look at your availability. If you have one or a couple children, you may be able to plan something quite regularly. However, if you have a lot of kids (such as in our family!), your dates may need to be further apart in occurrence.

As a couple, settle on and commit to planning out the dates with your kids, and determine whether you will both be present, or take turns. While having both parents there is a truly extra special time, it may not always be feasible. Just make sure you’re BOTH getting one-on-one with your kiddo!

Next, decide what kind of dates you will go on with your kids. You may take them out for a donut, or dinner, to a movie, or a special park. Or you may simply stay in and play a game together, read a book, or let them stay up later and just talk. Base it on your budget availability, both for time and cost.

The main thing is that you’re focusing on engaging your child in an activity or conversation in which there is no one else around to pull your attention away from them. To have some fun together, and to get to know them more and more.

Now if you’re saying “As much as I want to do this, I seriously don’t have ANY extra time!”, don’t be discouraged or give up! Even taking a trip to the grocery store with just one child instead of by yourself or the whole crew could be a fun opportunity together. Get creative with the resources you have available to you.

Our kids are 8 1/2, 7, 4 1/2 and 13 months. We’ve taken them out to the coffee shop, grocery store, Home Depot, birthday breakfasts and lunches, skiing, skating, swimming, bike rides and park dates. We’ve stayed in and played a game, done a puzzle, read a book, and just sat around and talked. We’ve spent hours together, or just 30 minutes of concentrated, undivided attention. As much as possible, our goal is to have a date time of some sort with them every other month.

The joy of having a relationship with our sons and daughters can sometimes be overshadowed by the weariness we feel through the daily parenting, teaching, leading, instructing and disciplining.

When we take the time to date our children, we renew the joy, strengthen our connection, open up our hearts to each other and allow God to draw us closer together. It gives us cause to rejoice as we see who our children are, and are becoming, apart from others, as individuals.

Let’s open up in the comments and share our successes and ideas for dating our kids. Here are some of our favourites!

Skating at a free outdoor rink, hot chocolate and a donut after
Gathering supplies for a craft or handiwork project and working on it together
Go on a scavenger hunt (book stores or libraries are great for this, or just look for specific things around your town)
Plan a special meal or dish to make, shop for the ingredients and create together

Play a game or read a book and discuss together
Go to the mall, or their favourite stores, get a treat, try all the sample teas at Teavana
Watch a movie at home or in the theater
Take them out for a special meal on their birthday (daddy does this for breakfast or lunch, the kids LOVE it!)
Do an outdoor sport of some sort (skiing, snowboarding, biking, rollerblading, skate boarding, paint balling, canoeing, whatever!)
Go on a trail hike and/or picnic
See a sporting event, play or concert together
Ask your kids what they want to do!

How have you made kid-dates work? What creative ideas have you put into practice to spend time pursuing the heart of your child?

Check out this Dates Ideas Pinterest board for some more great ideas!

A Little Less Talk

Date Night When You Can’t Leave the House

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The holidays are over and our budget is non-existent… not to mention it’s just too stinkin’ cold to even put my big toe on my front porch. My electric blanket is on high most nights and my dreams consist of warmth and memories of the sweet smell of summer. I’m not a winter girl. Never will be and never was. I grew up on an island… where life revolved around beach days… so, these coming months are very hard on me.. Even now, living in the south… it has been COLD! But this also brings a sense of cabin fever. Days spent homeschooling kids who are just itching to run the neighborhood. Gray days and rain decorate my windows… and then I get a text.

” I’m declaring tonight movie night. Do we have popcorn?”

Instantly I smile like a giddy school-girl. I know exactly what this means.

“YES!” I respond

YES YES YES!!!

A date night in! Taking place in our light blue bedroom. The kids are upstairs promptly by 8 p.m and the teens get control of the living room T.V. When hubby sends me texts like these, I know an in-house date night will take place.

Sometimes just doing nothing is the best date of all.

No need for child-care, new outfits, or added expenses. There are many ways to make a DATE NIGHT IN even better than a night out.

For us, any in-house date night consists of a prompt bed time for our little ones. With 5 kids under 10, they have to be upstairs by 8.p.m lights out! The babies usually fall asleep right away and our 9 year old usually reads by a reading light. Daddy reminds the kids… NO coming out of the room!

I also have teenagers and cannot ban them upstairs… so for us, date nights when the teens are home usually take place in our bedroom. The older kids enjoy having dominion over the television and we are left alone. It’s a win-win.

Hubby gets a movie off of AppleTV and popcorn is popped.

Just this past Friday, my teens were out all night at a friends house…

So I bought snacks ( Taquitoes and nachos) and we caught up on some shows on our DVR… in the living room!!! ALL TO OURSELVES.

In the past, we have been very creative:

-Dinner by the fireplace in the winter

– light up the fire pit on a summer evening. Just for the two of you. Sit together and enjoy the summer sky.

– pick up take-out or cook dinner for the two of you later in the evening, take out those candles, decorate the table and enjoy…

– We have party lights in our screen porch, in summers we have been know to close the sliders (and the curtains) and we went on a “time-out” while the kids watched a movie in the living room… Just 30 minutes of sitting next to each other in the porch does wonders… ( my teens kept an eye on the little ones)

– Movie night after the kids are asleep

– Game night

– Music night… Set up in the backyard on a summer night with cool drinks and Pandora… our favorite…90’s Alternative. Brings us back to when we were teenagers… dating, wild and free…

– Cornhole competition…. We have been known to get pretty competitive…

– Grill out! Our neighbors are used to the smell of something yummy being grilled at 11 p.m at night… or during a snowstorm. The weirder the weather, the more fun we have with it. it’s even better to eat it on the floor of the living room or in bed.

The best thing that comes out of a date-night in is the re-connection you and your hubby have. Forgetting the stresses that life seems to strangle us in and remember the person you fell in love with… For one second, shedding the mommy/daddy hat and simply being together. Silly, crazy and in love.

They say that everyone has a soundtrack to their lives…. take the time to find out what YOURS is….

then play it!

Have FUN! And let me know how your date-night IN goes!

XOXO