Tag Archives: motherhood

Don’t Make Me Come Up There—And Other Things I Yelled Last Week

Do you have grumpy children? Me too. The other day, my four year old daughter glared at me. I glared back. We had a stare-down. Yeah. That’s my maturity level sometimes. Honestly? I was just out of grace. I was tired.

The spring sun was shining through the windows, but instead of seeing the sunshine, I saw grime that needed to be cleaned. Fingerprints. Dirt. I looked around me. The kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off under the sink—and dishes, like shrapnel had exploded all over the place. There were dishes in family room, in the office and even on the stairs. I started to clean the mess up, but as I cleaned, my attitude worsened. The kitchen laundry hamper was full of kitchen towels. Schoolbooks were strewn across the kitchen table and someone’s newly acquired newt had taken residence on top of the piano.

I’d love to tell you that I acted perfectly, but I didn’t. I freaked out. I called a meeting. Okay. Not really. I yelled for the kids. “Kids!! Get down here!!” I waited. Nothing. I yelled louder. “Don’t make me come up there!”

In a few minutes, four pairs of eyes were staring at me from the couch. I laid it out so that they would be sure to understand.

“How many times to I have to tell you?? Dishes go here, not there! Look at the family room! It’s a mess! Schoolbooks go back on the shelf! What’s wrong with you??”

They trudged to their assigned chores, whining and complaining.

… “and STOP COMPLAINING!” I wailed.

Probably not my best parenting moment.

It hit me that evening after I put the kids to bed. Weary and discouraged, I had forgotten how truly blessed I was. In so many ways, mothers set the tone at home, and I know it! I speak on this topic all the time, and I was setting the tone alright, but it wasn’t a very nice one. I was being selfish and ungrateful.

There I was, expecting them to help out around the house and not complain—but I was complaining.

I was expecting the kids to joyfully obey me—but I was not joyfully obeying my Father.

If we want our children to be joyful, we need to be joyful. The example starts with us. We light the way for little feet to walk behind us. We can’t give our kids what we don’t have. And while bad days don’t make bad moms, consistent complaining and grumbling will not bring about the righteousness of God that you are trying to instill into your kids.

We need the Lord do to this parenting thing right. Don’t forget to keep drawing from well that will never run dry, busy mom! You can do all things—even hard things—through Christ who gives you everything you need.

Dear “Anonymous,” I Was That Mom

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I received an email from “Anonymous” tonight. She writes:

“I am not sure I want to be a parent some days, much less homeschool. I am very confused…after talking to one mom I want to homeschool, then after talking to one mom I want to do public school again. I am trying to teach my kids using Abeka, but I got very far behind and now am overwhelmed at how much they have missed. I think they are too far behind to be put into public school. I feel horrible that my 5 year old is missing kindergarten and making regular friends. We belong to a church group that meets on Thursdays. It isn’t the same as everyday friends. I am at the end of my rope. Confused, not knowing the right thing to do. I have been praying but don’t see an answer.”

You know, sometimes, I wish there was a giant coffee shop where we could all meet once a week. Because if we could meet once a week, I think we would discover that our struggles are very similar. Even though we live in different circumstances and have unique families, our struggles are common struggles.

Motherhood is challenging. Homeschooling adds a new level to that challenge. I’d love to tell you that there are “5 Easy Steps” to homeschooling or “5 Ways to KNOW” you’ve made the right decision, but there aren’t. However, I can tell you a few things that the Lord has been patiently teaching me over 22 years of parenting. Here are a few of them:

—My family does NOT have to look like ANYONE ELSE’S family. Period. Not in curriculum. Not in parenting. Not in style of dress. Not in the way we eat. We were a unique family. This realization has brought me much freedom—and it is a constant reminder to me of the need I have to be on my knees before the Lord in prayer.

It’s a daily surrender. Sometimes, I must wait for an answer. It rarely comes quickly.

—Whenever I feel “horrible” about a social situation (for example, I might wonder about my children missing out on ‘regular’ school or missing out on a movie that another of their peers was allowed to watch), then it is a sure sign that I am being motivated by guilt rather than being led by the Spirit.

Yes, we need to change our minds sometimes. But more often than not, this “mommy guilt” is simply unnecessary emotional tyranny. Whenever I am not nourishing my spirit, I open myself up it. Busy mom, give yourself time to think and pray when you feel this tug. Often, a conversation with your husband and time with the Lord will give you the peace you are seeking.

—Curriculum can be a terrible task-master. By this, I mean that if our curriculum is pushing us so hard that we can’t enjoy the learning process, it’s probably time to find another curriculum, or seek to modify the one we are using. Some moms flourish under curricula like the one you mention. Others have found that a different approach suits them better. Be open to a new approach.

Remember, you’re never as “far behind” as you think you are. Breathe. Your worst day of teaching at home is likely better than you judge it to be. Your investment will go farther than you think it will. It will have an impact for eternity. So slow down. Build relationships with your children, especially while they are young. It is foundational to who they are going to become.

—Homeschooling should not make you an island. Find a homeschool co-op or support group. If your church does not have a support system for you, consider finding one that does. We NEED each other. Period. Find your people.

—The growing years are short. Five-year-olds need their mom more than they need a social network. I’m not suggesting that they don’t need friends; far from it! Rather, I’m suggesting that YOU need friends, too. Find moms who have children of similar ages. Plan play dates and go to the library and zoo together. This will give you and your child a social outlet.

Finally, plant with the harvest in mind. What do you want to see in your adult children? I know it’s hard to imagine at this stage, but in just a few short years, if you persevere, you will be encouraging a mom who is where you are right now.

I know. I was that mom.

The best homeschooling advice I ever received from another mom had very little to do with an action. It was about an attitude. She encouraged me to be confident in who God has called me to be.

So let me encourage you: Be real. Love your kids. Teach them. Be flexible. Be honest. Find support. Trust that the results of the investment you are making will be worth the sacrifice. And then, commit yourself to becoming the wife and mother you were created to be.

Be encouraged! You can do it. You’ve already been equipped.

In Psalm 16, verse 8, David writes, “I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.”

This is the key. If you know that God has called you to homeschool your children, then He has already equipped you for the job. Don’t be shaken. Keep trusting. You’re His, and He’ll never let you go.

Beauty for the Tired Soul

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I am tired. Anyone else tired?

Matthew 11:28 says, “I will give you rest.” I take hold of that verse and cling to the promise of it. This world can be hard and tiresome. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed, but the dog is barking to be let out and the kids are fighting over the remote or expressing their hunger to me. All I want is to crawl under the covers and imagine being alone with only me to take care of, meaning, if I wanted to go back to sleep, I could! Then as I am in my pity party of one, I imagine my life with out my daughters and the emotion of an aching heart overwhelms me. I would miss their kisses and hugs and their “I love yous.”

I might want to go back to sleep to feel more rested, but I am needed. I am loved. That is enough for me to crawl out of bed, let the dog out, break up a fight and get breakfast started. I believe that one day I will get my rest, but for now in the midst of motherhood, rest isn’t part of the equation. I can’t stop and dwell on all the house work that needs to get done, the dog that needs bathed, the beds that need made, the toys that need to be put away, the toilets that need cleaning, the dishes that need to be washed or the endless amount of laundry that can’t fold itself. I can’t focus on the fact that I am a “single” mom or how hard life is for me at times. If I dwell on the work that needs to be done or my state of singleness, I get tired. And when I get tired I lose what I should be focusing on – Jesus – the very source from which my restfulness comes.

As I run towards the cross of Jesus I am reminded of His love for me. The Bible is full of encouraging truths from God that are meant to lift our spirits and guide us when we are absolutely “tired.” Our rest can be found in the grace that God showed us at the cross. Sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally… or both, but just knowing what he has done gives me the desire to show that same love without boundaries to my children and others around me.

“My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation. He is my fortress I will never be-shaken.” (Psalms 62:1-2)

Just reading that verse boosts my spirit and opens my eyes a little wider to the peace promised to me through the cross.

So I encourage you in your busy schedules and unclean homes to take to heart the promise that rest is not found in the amount of sleep you get or how many vacations we take. Rest is found in our Creator. It sounds easier said than done, I agree. However, if we try and make it a focus point in our lives then it will turn into a habit of always seeking our peace and rest from the Lord in whom we put our trust.

“You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” (Isaiah 26:3)

I will keep praying for peace and rest for all of us who feel tired and unmotivated to crawl out of bed. I pray we hold tight to the truth of God found in his word and I pray that together we can encourage and love on those who need to be lifted up in spirit. We are not called to walk this journey alone, thank goodness for that. So get up with a smile on your face, you are needed and loved.

From my heart to yours,

Hilary

3 Reasons NOT to Homeschool … and A Few Reasons Why We Decided to Give It a Try

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Homeschooling is a wonderful form of education. I love it. (Well, not always.) But here are few reasons you might *not* want to do it:

First Reason You May Not Want To Homeschool

You’re homeschooling out of fear. I meet parents all the time who are pulling their children out of school because they’re afraid. Afraid that their kids will be influenced by the world. Afraid that their kids will walk away from their faith, afraid of any number of scenarios that they feel homeschooling can prevent. If fear is driving you, I want to encourage you to spend some time in prayer.

God’s Word is very clear: fear is NOT from God.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7

“The LORD is my light and my salvation– whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life– of whom shall I be afraid?”
Ps. 27:1

I love this because it makes it very clear that the LORD is our salvation—not homeschooling. Homeschooling will not keep your children from walking away from the Lord. A strong, personal walk with God is what does that.

Many parents choose curriculum out of fear, to the point of exasperating their children and becoming hostage to another’s expectations rather than letting the Lord direct them to what is best for their child. In this way, we sometimes let fear drive us without even realizing it.

How can we know if we’re acting out of fear or faith? Ask yourself: if the Lord asked you to stop homeschooling, would you trust Him to protect and guide you? To give you insight into the heart and mind of your child? Or would you be afraid?

Second Reason You May Not Want To Homeschool

You think homeschooling is easier than other options

I’ve been homeschooling for 18 years. It might surprise you to know that many of those years have been less than idyllic. Some of them have been downright difficult. Strong-willed children, learning hurdles, exhaustion, illness, and burnout have all been part of our homeschool at one time or another. Would I change it? Not on your life. I gotta tell you though— it has been anything but “easy.”

Third Reason You May Not Want To Homeschool

You think homeschooling is “the answer” to the problems this generation is facing

I love homeschooling. I think it’s one of the best things we (Jay and I) have ever done for our kids—but. It’s not “the answer.”

We keep our children home because we believe it’s the best thing for our family, but we know that homeschooling in and of itself will not solve the problems we’re facing in this generation. The answer is Jesus. This weekend, I’ll be urging parents to stop waving the banner of homeschooling, and lift high the banner of Jesus Christ. Some may trust in horses (or homeschooling, or the government, or ourselves) but we (the children of God) trust in the name of the Lord! (My little paraphrase of Psalm 20:7)

So, why do my husband and I choose to homeschool our children?

There are several things that come to mind but our top three reasons are these:

First Reason We Choose To Homeschool

We don’t believe that education is neutral—or benign.

Education is the imparting of ideas and yes, even ideologies to a student. As parents, my husband and I feel a keen sense of responsibility to make sure that we know not only what, but who—is influencing our children.Luke 6:40 tells us that “a student is not above his teacher,” and that ultimately, the student will become like his teacher. That’s a huge responsibility—telling parents that their children are going to a lot like whoever teaches them. Knowing this also gives me a very healthy respect for my role as a mother—because the chances are good that my kids are going to be an awful lot like … you guessed it … me.

Second Reason We Choose To Homeschool

We want to be the primary influencers in the lives of our children.

We’re not under any illusions that homeschooling will keep our children from making unwise decisions—but we believe homeschooling our children gives us much more influence in their lives as grow into adulthood.Why? Because it allows us time. Time to talk with our children about the things that we believe matter the most. Over the years, we’ve taken our kids to places like Washington D.C. so that they could see our Constitution and the Magna Carta.

We’ve been to courthouses and walked the halls of the senate building. Why? Because we can. Homeschooling has allowed us to take the education of our children to heart—and has allowed us to make a significant investment into their lives.Sooner or later, all of our children will be making investments into the lives of their own children—and we hope we’re setting a good example for them!

Third Reason We Choose To Homeschool

We love being with our kids.

From newborns through young adults, we just love being with our kids. Homeschooling has allowed us to take advantage of “last minute” field trips and capitalize on many truly teachable moments with them because we’re not bound to anyone’s schedule except our own.

Last week, we were reading Minn of the Mississippi, and the kids were struggling to understand the lock and dam system described in this timeless story of a snapping turtle who traveled from the Great Lakes to the Gulf of Mexico. Because we homeschool, I was able to make a last-minute decision to stop “school” for the day and in favor of some hands-on learning. I took the kids to Bonneville Dam. Going to Bonneville helped bring the story of Minn to life—and gave our kids the chance to be part of the story, rather than just hear it.

In the end, every parent is responsible for the education of their children—whether or not they choose to homeschool. Rather than judge another person’s choice, I hope we will do a better job of praying for each other. There’s a lot at stake where education is concerned, and we need to get it right—one prayerful, trusting family at a time.

Shop Heidi’s Amazon Store for Homeschool resources, recommendations, and more!

I Have Spit-up in My Shoes—and Other Truths About Motherhood

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There was a time in my life when I thought I had motherhood “figured out.” I think I was in my early twenties. I’m almost sure I had one compliant child as I confidently eyed the course before me.

I was about to high-five myself when the smoke alarm went off in the kitchen. I had been in the bathroom cutting the two-year old’s bangs and apparently, forgot dinner was in the oven. Turning my attention to the smoke-filled kitchen, I left the toddler unattended and —you guessed it—she finished cutting her hair while I was putting a ruined casserole in the sink to cool.

Above the noise of the smoke detector, I heard my daughter’s voice: “Mommy! I’ve made myself more pretty!” Quickly, I turned the box fan on high, opened the doors in the house to air in out and raced back to the bathroom just in time to see the last gorgeous blonde locks of hair falling to the floor.

That’s when I started thinking that maybe, just maybe this motherhood gig was going to be trickier than I imagined. Continue reading →

The Mommy Wars: Childbirth Edition (Three Myths About Childbirth that Need to Go Away)

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Women love to exchange birth stories. There’s something wonderful about sharing our birth experiences with each other. We need to know that someone else knows what we just went through. We need to share the mystery and even the drama that unfolded during birth. It’s all part of the process, this story-telling. It’s part of what helps us connect.

When I was in my twenties, I was fascinated with pregnancy. I became certified to teach childbirth classes and even wrote my own curriculum to teach them. I loved the helping first-time moms get some sort of idea about what they would experience during labor and delivery—but honestly? You can’t ever be totally ready for all that a birth will bring.

Babies come when they want to, how they want to. Something has surprised me about childbirth though. It seems to have become some sort of competition. We’ve moved beyond comparing stories about our births to making blanket statements about how birth should be.

It’s time we stopped doing that. Continue reading →

When Pressure Mounts

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Lately, I’ve felt the pressure mounting. Things that would normally roll off my back seem to just—you know—sit there.

Bills to pay. Kids to school. Doctor appointments. Cars to fix. Phone calls. Emails. Family pressure—be present more. Be more. Do more. Say more.

Mothers carry so much. Mothers are the gatekeepers of the next generation—and the next generation is up against a lot. How we respond to the pressures of this world is shaping an entire generation. It impacts our marriages. Our response to fear and pressure speaks for our faith.

I wonder: What does my life say about where I have placed my trust?

A few days ago, as I was struggling with a painful circumstance in my life, I realized something. I have a hard time trusting God. I’m not talking about faith here. My faith is as real to me now as it was when I first realized the truth of the Gospel. In that moment, I wept for the price that Christ paid for me. My heart was broken and my resolve was clear; I wanted to serve the Lord. I trusted Him. At least, I thought I did. But what does a six year old know of the trials this life can bring?

A child has no frame of reference to even consider the struggles that are coming. As a 44 year old mother of seven, I’m discovering that I still have a lot to learn about what trust looks like. As the pressure builds, I see clearly that I struggle to trust God’s heart toward me. I want to lean in, but I find I lean away—into my own strength and my own “solutions.”

Not a very good example, am I?

I turned to the Psalms, but God’s offer of “peace” alluded me. I searched for it, but struggled to see it as images of Americans losing their lives at the hands of ISIS flooded the news.

“Though war rise against me, I shall be confident…”
Psalm 27:3

Heard of any wars lately?

I praise God for His Word! In His Word, I discover again that my hope is never going to be found in my government, or my husband or myself. David makes this clear. The source of the psalmist David’s confidence and stability was not in his own strength—but in God. The example that David set for us resounded in my heart. This man, whom God called “the apple of his eye” struggled with fear. One minute he was praising God, and the next, he was crying out for rescue—and the undertones were often full of fear and worry!

“Do not hide … do not run … do not abandon or forsake me …”
Ps 27:9

I asked myself what David asked. “Has He ever failed me?” No. Even in my darkest moments, He has been there. My life is not unlike David’s life. He experienced the trials and triumphs of this life. He was falsely accused. He was in mortal danger. He lacked wisdom. He made wrong choices.

But here’s the thing the Psalms teach us loud and clear: we can’t do this life on our own. When we give God our fear, He gives faith in return. Notice the interaction Jesus with the father of a boy Jesus was preparing to from the affliction of an evil spirit:

“Jesus said to him, “‘If You can?’ All things are possible to him who believes.” Immediately the boy’s father cried out and said, “I do believe; help my unbelief.”
Mark 9:23-24

I love the raw honesty of this father before the Master. He laid down his pride and just blurted it out … “I want to trust You, but I’m struggling!” Jesus didn’t point a finger or rebuke the man—instead, He healed the boy. It was always in His heart to do so.

If you struggle with unbelief, if you wonder if it’s safe leave your pain and fear in His hands, it’s okay. God understands. He knows we are dust. Today, you can lift your empty hands to Him with me—and choose to let your struggle draw you closer to the One who made you.

In the end, we have two choices to make as we navigate the uncertain waters of this world: we can trust Him or we can trust ourselves. If we trust Him, the Bible says our trust is well-placed. When the walls are falling down on us, we can confidently repeat the words of David:

“Though a host encamp against me, my heart will not fear;
Though war rise against me, in spite of this I shall be confident.
…I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.
Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.”
Psalm 27

Pressing into God’s heart,

Heidi St. John

Speaking the Truth in Love