Tag Archives: priorities

Marriage {Before} Mothering

Dear Heidi,

My husband is upset with me. We rarely talk anymore, except to discuss finances or other “necessary” things.  He is a good father and a wonderful man. I’m trying to be a good mother and wife, but my husband says he feels neglected. I honestly can’t help it! I’m too tired at the end of the day for sex most days—and even though I try to explain how much energy it takes to parent our four children and keep the house in decent order, he doesn’t get it. I know we feel more like roommates than lovers these days. But I don’t know what to do about it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I really think my kids need my energy right now.  After they are grown, my husband and I will have all the time we want together.  My priority is our kids while they are little. How can I talk to my husband to help him understand this?”

You know, I get many letters like this each week. And I get it. Motherhood is demanding. It’s often 24/7, diapers, dishes and discipline. It’s enough to bring a woman to her breaking point. That’s part of the reason I’m so passionate about moms encouraging other moms.  We need each other! Only a mother can truly understand the demands and pressures of another mother.

But here’s the thing: we can’t let motherhood rob us of one of life’s greatest blessings—and that’s a healthy marriage.  I’ve often said that I believe the marriage comes before mothering. I’ve taken some heat for it, because some take that to mean that I don’t care about the kids.  This is not the case. Here’s why:

The marriage is the primary relationship at home. Many moms believe that their children should come first; after all their husbands are grownups! I understand the reasoning behind this, but I believe it’s based in a misunderstanding of God’s design for marriage.

The intent of the mom who puts her children before her marriage is noble, but it lacks vision for the greater picture of a truly healthy family.

Have you ever heard a flight attendant as she instructs passengers before take off? She’ll say something like, “In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, SECURE YOUR MASK FIRST BEFORE ASSISTING YOUNGER PASSENGERS.” This is because everyone knows that if the parents pass out from lack of oxygen, the child is rendered defenseless in most cases.

 

Your marriage is a lot like this situation. Think of nurturing your marriage in the same way you might think of securing an oxygen mask to yourself and your husband. Breathe life into your marriage every day. Keep your marriage physically and emotionally healthy.

If we create a child-centered home to the neglect of our marriage and the marriage falls apart, or if we only give the marriage 50% of the oxygen it needs, the marriage will suffer. And the children of that marriage will suffer too.

So yes, love your children fiercely. Teach them. Discipline and train them. Nurture them.

But love your spouse FIRST. Your spouse should get the best part of you. Healthy relationships with our children flow out of healthy, thriving marriages. The best thing a busy mom can do for her children is to love their father.

Precious mom, take time to recharge your inner batteries.  You need to have something left for your husband at the end of the day. Give yourself an hour of quiet time each day to shower, read, nap, or tidy up (if that’s what relaxes your heart and mind). I’ve been doing “quiet time” for years.  Quiet time just means that the kids are either reading in their rooms or napping, or watching a movie quietly. The point is: do what you need to do to refresh your spirit.  The days of mothering are long but the years go by fast.  Be sure your marriage is thriving when your nest is empty.

The investment you make in your marriage today pay dividends far into the future. Your marriage is worth investing in!

Heidi St John Guide to Romance

Heidi St John Firmly Planted Family Devotional For All Ages

Got Teens? It’s the Little Things

-from a Facebook post I wrote this week-

When I was thirteen years old, these were the “must have” shoes for almost every girl I knew. I wanted them, too. I’ll never forget getting a pair from my mom. It was unusual for her to “splurge” on such a thing for me, as I was one of seven children—but looking back, I get it. She was letting me know that I mattered to her. Right down to my shoes. 🙂

I came across this image today and it reminded me to put myself in the “shoes” of my teens. Sometimes, we need to look at life through the eyes of our kids. What seems important to them right now will likely not be important at all in a few years … but the “messages” we send them every day by our attitudes and actions toward them will make a lifetime impression.

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Accidental Homeschooler

Many of you know me as “The Busy Homeschool Mom.”A few of you have heard me speak, heard me on the radio or read one of my books. Most people know that my husband and I have seven children ages 2-21, and that we’ve been married for about twenty-four years. And you probably know that I like to laugh.

What you may NOT know about me is that I used to be 100% against homeschooling. Yep.  You read it right. I was the mom that all the homeschool moms I knew ran from.  I just didn’t get homeschoolers.  After all, WHY would anyone want to stay home all day with their kids when they could have the luxury of dropping them off at school and giving the job of educating them to someone else?  (in my best Grinch voice, “Why, why , why, WHY?”)

I just didn’t get it.

The UNIFORM, circa 1993

Besides.  I didn’t have the uniform.  The dreaded “denim jumper” which was being worn by almost every homeschool mom I knew at the time made me wonder if homeschoolers were part of a cult rather than a movement.  A girl needs to consider these things!  I mean, I like jumpers but I really like my jeans.  What was the point of the uniform? I figured it must have something to do with identifying other homeschoolers. No one at the small private school where we had enrolled our first child was really sure.

Truthfully, I felt judged by all those jumper-wearing homeschool moms who, I was told, were making their own jumpers and growing their own wheat while I was buying Wonder Bread on sale and following (dare I say it?) a fashion trend or two now and again.

I felt guilty every time I ran into a homeschool mom at church. I did my best to avoid the topic of education. After all, we had sent our first child to *gasp* PRESCHOOL, and I knew for a fact that this wasn’t going over well in the homeschool mom’s coffee club.

I did have a few friends who were homeschooling. So I did what any good friend would do: I tried my best to help these poor, tired moms “see the light.”  I invited them to plays and open house night at my daughter’s school. I was sure to talk about how great it was to drop Savannah off at school and spend “quality time” with her little sister.  I even went so far as to take their children to “bring a friend to school day” at the school.  Looking back, I’m a *teensy bit* embarrassed by my behavior. These homeschool moms, bless them, were patient with me.  Never once did one of them tell me to take a hike; and heaven knows, I had it coming.

Of course, I had my own doubts about having our daughter in school. I noticed that because of my husband’s job, he was missing our daughter during most of her waking hours. When he had a few free hours, she was in school. When he came home, she was in bed.  I also noticed that the attitudes of the siblings toward each other were hindered during the school week; I felt as if I was having to “overcorrect” because of the attitudes and actions that Savannah came home with after school.  There were conversations Savannah had with older students on the playground that I would have PAID to have wait another ten years, too.

In the mid 90’s, we ended up in the small town of Wilsonville, Oregon. We enrolled her in a small public school in the little town of Canby. I loved her 2nd grade teacher. The schoolbus came right to our door every morning at 7:30. I thought I had it pretty good.

Meanwhile, Sierra, who was eager to join her big sister, wanted to go to Kindergarten. Trouble was, she missed the age cutoff by a week.  A week!  I decided to console Sierra by telling her I would teach her some things at home. This seemed to do the trick so I set about trying to find workbooks and other materials in order to give her something like “school” to do at home.

I avoided using the word homeschool.  I avoided it like the plague.

But even though I was avoiding it, God was working. God has a way of bringing us around to His way of thinking.

I soon discovered that there was a homeschool supply store about 45 minutes from our house. I decided to “casually” go and check it out. When I arrived, I was overwhelmed by the amount of materials and wonderful books available to homeschooling families.  I asked the store owner what he would suggest for a “non-homeschooler” like me.  He graciously pointed out a few of the curriculum choices. He asked what I wanted to accomplish with Sierra.  I said I just wanted to help her get ready for “real” school.  Then I ducked. But he didn’t flinch. I suspected he had spoken to my kind before.

I left the store with a copy of “Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons” and a math workbook.  I must admit, I was secretly excited to try my hand at teaching Sierra to read.  I had no clue where to start the process, so having a book that gave step by step instructions was just what I needed.

It took about a week of teaching Sierra at home for me to begin to see that I had been totally wrong about homeschooling. All these years I thought homeschooling was about chains, but I was finding freedom instead!  Freedom in the way we did school, freedom in when we did school!  Even the school bus taking our daughter to and from school could not compete with the amount of time I was saving by schooling at home.

My relationships with my children began to be filled with a new sense of purpose as well; I loved seeing Sierra’s eyes light up when she understood a concept for the first time. Knowing that I was able to teach her made it even better. Before too long, we had vowel charts up in the kitchen and posters of the Presidents adorned the walls of the nook where we sat to read. I had to admit:  I was an accidental homeschooler. And I didn’t care who knew it.

I could go on and on about how the Lord softened my heart and drew Jay and me closer together in the process of deciding to pull Savannah out of public school. But that’s another post.  I could tell you about the richness that our family has experienced through homeschooling that we never even thought was possible—but that too, is another post.

I could also tell you that homeschooling is stinkin’ hard.  But boy, is it worth it.  And nothing in this life that’s worth doing, I have discovered, is ever easy.

Homeschooling is not for everyone. But I believe that there are more moms out there like me than not. Maybe you’re watching a homeschool mom right now, wondering what craziness came over her that she would choose to stay home with her children when someone else would take them off her hands for the day.  Well, I’m here to tell you, you’re right. It’s crazy. it’s at least seventeen different kinds of crazy.  Crazy good. Crazy hard. Crazy crazy. Crazy adventure. Crazy amazing.

Turns out homeschooling is not about denim jumpers.  There are no uniforms.  It is as hard as I thought it might be … maybe even more, some days.

And I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Heidi St John Homeschooling Guide to Daylight

Heidi St John Firmly Planted Family Devotional For All Ages

Precious Priority: Family Mealtimes

Ahhhhhhh—Thanksgiving. It reminds me of a simpler time.

I love Thanksgiving because it’s the one time of year that beckons us home, but without the pressure and expectations of gifts.

The memories without the mayhem, if you will.

I tell my children of my love for Thanksgiving and they remind me that they love mealtime at our house.  Not just the fancy meals, either. Their appreciation comes from a certainty that at the end of the day, we’re together. Candles lit. Music playing.

Toddler fussing.

Milk spilling.

Teenagers talking.

Daddy praying.

Mealtime.

We live in a culture that has largely forgotten the power of a shared meal. There is something missing when we rush from one hurried day to the next. We think we’re saving time to rush through the drive-thru again. But really, we’re not saving anything. Days turn to weeks. Weeks to months. Months to years.

Where we spend our time is a window into our hearts: it’s an indicator of where our hearts are.

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”  Matthew 6:21

For me, Thanksgiving is a reminder of how fast my life is going by.  Each holiday that passes I know I am another year closer to a quiet house. Mealtimes are markers for me.  I think just last year, I had a babe inside me and a preschooler vying for my attention as I muddled my way through learning how to use my slow cooker.  Mmmmm.  No, that was not last year. That was nearly twenty years ago.  Can we really s l o w  d o w n?

Mealtimes beckon.

Time is passing. That’s probably the real message my heart receives as I plan Thanksgiving dinner. Again.

I ask myself, “Where are your priorities?  What is truly precious in this life?”

And in my heart, I know the answer.  The best memories we share will never be found in the drive-thru of life.

The best memories are more of a “sit down” affair.  An affair of the heart. An investment. An open-door, company-for-dinner, home cooked investment.

Doesn’t have to be perfect.  Mac-n-cheese at the table is just as beautiful to your children as filet mignon 🙂  It’s not about the food. It’s about the priority.

If you’re looking for a place to start making an investment into the heart of your family, the dinner table is a very, very good place to start.

Heidi St John Guide to Daylight

Redeeming Our Time

Redeeming Our Time
(adapted from a 2007 blog post)

{Our oldest daughter, who was 16 when I wrote this, is now a married 21 year old woman. Time flies.}

 

May, 2007
Time Flies.

The other day, I overheard a “celebrity” being interviewed on TV as I prepared dinner for our family.  The questions seemed to center on her public life, and then, one question got my attention.

“If you could only say one thing to young mothers who are raising their children, what would it be?” asked the reporter.  The woman thought for just a moment and replied, “Life is not a dress-rehearsal.  You only get one shot at raising your kids.  Don’t mess it up.”

Her voice cracked slightly, and I heard the familiar sound of missed opportunity in her tone. I wondered why.  By all appearances, she had the “perfect” life. Beautiful children, lots of money, handsome husband. I put down my paring knife to focus on the remainder of her short interview.  It turned out that she was estranged from two of her children.  She lamented the fact that while she was raising her children, she and her husband spent so much time cultivating a “perfect” family, that they did not develop a relationships with their children that would last.  It only looked good on the outside.   And now, it was too late to start over.  The time for raising her children had passed.  She could only warn other mothers not to walk down the same path she had gone down.  The time for sowing seed had passed.  The harvest was in.

It is hard to hear those kinds of words.  My heart hurt for this mom.  Naturally, I thought of my own children.  Our oldest is nearly 16 – and it seemed that it

My husband, dancing with our youngest daughter at our oldest daughter’s wedding in August of 2012

was just yesterday when we were holding her in our arms, in awe of her perfect features and scared to death that we wouldn’t do everything “just right”.  I thought of my grandmother, who remarked to me just a few months after grand-daddy died that she was amazed at how fast her life had gone by.  Grandma said to me, “Heidi, the best thing you will ever do in this life is to love your husband and to raise your children to love and serve the Lord.  Don’t let the world fool you into thinking that having children is anything less than the best thing you’ll ever do.”   She should know.

I recently spoke to a group of women in Washington about the blessing of motherhood.  It seems odd to me that many Christians have bought into the world’s way of looking at children. It must grieve the heart of God when we think of our children as anything less than a gift straight from the heart of the Creator Himself.

The Bible is full of stories of amazing moms who understood their worth before the Father.  God’s word stresses the importance of mothers!  In Exodus 2 we read about Jochebed, the mother of Moses.  She protected her son, even putting her own life in peril, and then entrusted him to the Lord.  Eunice, the mother of Timothy, instructed her son in the knowledge of the scriptures and he went on to write one of the most amazing books in the New Testament. II Tim. 1:3-5; 3:14,15

In the United States today, mothers are under enormous pressure to conform to the world’s view of children.  Radical Feminism has devalued motherhood in a quest for “greater meaning” and “true identity”. But God sees things much differently.


God’s view of children is a dramatic departure from the cultural norms of the world we live in.  

The world says: “Children are a burden.”
God says, “Children are a blessing.”

The world says, “Try not to have more than two or three children. ”
God says, “Blessed is the man who has many children!”

The world says, “Children get in the way.”
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to ME.”

The world has diminished the high-calling of motherhood to little more than a “stop-over” on the highway of life.

But God says that a wife of strong character is rare – she is worth far more than jewels!  (Prov. 31.10)

If you are a mother, you have an amazing opportunity every day to shape the future. As a homeschooling mom, you have even more time to influence the lives of your precious children.  Homeschooling provides endless opportunities to teach your children about God’s love for them!  Mom, your job is so important!  You have been given the privilege of weaving a fabric of family life using the truth of God’s word to impact the lives of your children… and ultimately this fabric will be a beautiful tapestry that will bear witness to the power and love of the Lord Jesus as your children walk with the One who created them in your womb.

I’m glad I was reminded of the fact that life is not a dress-rehearsal.  I’m thankful that my grandmother loves the fact that Jay and I chose to have a family that doesn’t fit the “worlds” mold very easily.  The time does pass quickly.   Let’s redeem the time God has given us to influence these precious children for the Glory of God.  It’s an investment that yields a harvest of joy that will continue into eternity.

Redeem the time you’ve been given,
heidi st. john 

Heidi St John Guide to Romance
Heidi St John Guide to Daylight

The Ultimate Multi-Tasker

People often ask me what I would change about homeschooling if I could start over. With two graduates and five more to go, believe me, I think about this question from time to time. It’s good to reflect on the lessons we learn as the years go by.

Believe it or not, the BEST years we have ever had in homeschooling have been the ones where I have felt the least successful. One year, I was on bedrest for months of a pregnancy. My plans for the year evaporated before my eyes and I was left with very few options but to read with the kids and do a “scaled down” version of the program I wanted to use. Very.Scaled.Down.

I was depressed and worried about how well the kids would do at the end of the school year for Washington’s required testing.

That was the year that I truly understood what God meant when He said “My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

It was also the year that the kids scored three grade levels above their grade level at the end of the year’s required testing. I think God was trying to show me that this homeschool journey he has called us to is as much about me following Him as it is about educating our kids.

When I do my part, He more than does His. 🙂

If you’re struggling with unexpected challenges this year, don’t let it discourage you. Pare down if you need to, and believe that God will finish what He has started if you’ll just trust Him.

He’s the ultimate multi-tasker.

Heidi St John Homeschooling Guide to Daylight

{A New Year of Homeschooling is Here}

{Thoughts On a New Year of Homeschooling}

I’m cleaning/organizing the schoolroom today. We don’t start school around here until after Labor Day—but I must confess I have not even THOUGHT about what we are doing this year, even after all my well intentioned plans to do school through the summer. The fact is, I needed the break and so did the kids. So… we took a break!

It’s easy to become anxious about all that is before me as I make lists and write out what needs to be done by subject and skill level. But as I reflect on my two oldest daughter’s homeschool years I am reminded that the BEST memories and the best “fruit” from their homeschool years really came from hours of reading aloud on the couch. The good stuff, the best fruit, was born from good conversation and meaningful discussions about everything from history and science to politics and current events. It came from studying the Bible together and asking questions together.

The best fruit never came from a text book.

As you begin a new school year, keep in mind the best thing you will do with your children this year is to show them by example what it means to love them through the ups and downs of everyday life.

Love them when they don’t get long division again (even though you’ve explained it a million times).

Love them through hormonal outbursts 🙂 …yours AND theirs.

Love them enough to consistently correct not only their schoolwork but their attitudes and actions.

Love them enough to say “I’m sorry” and to extend forgiveness as often as it is required.

Love them enough to put your husband first. <3 Love them enough to stop "school" and address a bigger issue—because you realize that a child who knows Latin but can't be kind or respectful is really worse off than a kind, respectful child who only speaks English. 🙂 Love them by demonstrating the character traits you want them to learn. After all, children learn by example first. What are you hoping to harvest at the end of your homeschool years? Plant with the harvest in mind. Heidi St John Homeschooling Guide to Daylight