Category Archives: Parenting

To Date or Not to Date? That is the Question…

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Courtship v. Dating. These are hot-button topics for many families these days. The following post was written by my friend and Busy Mom writer, Gina. I love her heart and perspective, because it’s not fear-based or rules-based—it’s grace based. Raising teens is difficult. Let’s not make it more difficult by making things harder or scarier than they need to be.  Thanks for the insight, Gina! With two of my seven now grown and gone, it’s still a great reminder to me that at the end of the day, my kids belong to God, and my job is to teach our children how to listen for His heart. His is the only opinion that matters.

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What does the Bible say about dating? What about courtship? Interestingly enough, the words courtship and dating are not found in the Bible. So, if the Bible indeed does say so little about dating, why are there so many books written telling us how we should think about the subject?

Dating is another one of those issue that we’d like to have all the answers. We’d love to have a list of rules that we can hand our children and tell them to follow. There are books with different Christian philosophies for us to consider, but the bottom line is that there are very few hard and fast Biblical rules.

As my children were growing up there were a number of popular books available to help us form our philosophy of dating. We studied them and decided what we agreed with and what ideals we wanted to teach our kids. As our kids got older we realized that what we were doing was taking those ideals and imposing them onto real life people. If these ideals are not Biblical, but a man’s idea of how he thinks things need to be to walked out, we are in danger of imposing on our kids a burden that was never meant to be imposed.

Maybe this whole dating issue is a little simpler than we want to make it.

What not to do:

  • Do not react against our cultural extremes (or what we don’t agree with that our parents did!) and throw out the whole concept of dating. Just because our culture may not have boundaries in dating doesn’t mean the concept is wrong. Of course, we must separate from any world view that is not consistent with God’s heart. (2 Peter 2: 20)
  • Do not idealize the practices of another era (ie the victorian era) or culture, decide what is “God’s way” to do things, and then impose them on your kids.
  • Do not let this issue be one that causes division among believers.  I’ve known moms that proudly announce “MY kids DON’T date!” and with that announcement there is the potential to put up walls between them and a mom whose kids do date, or whose kids may be struggling in this particular area. Any issue that is not clearly set out in scripture should not be one that causes division. We need to give room for the biblical principles that are found in scripture that might be applied to the concept of dating or courtship to look different from person to another.
  • Do not hold up a book  to be the gospel truth.  Glean what you can from books, but since there is so little in scripture written about this subject, we must remember that these are merely ideas or suggestions that a man (or woman) have come to.

What to do?

  • Pray! The fact that the rules of dating are not found in scripture gives parents another opportunity to pray for God to guide them in the lives of each child. It also reminds us of the fact that they are individuals and that things might look a bit different from one child to the next.
  • Teach! We can look at biblical principles and do our best to teach them to our children so that they can apply them to all their relationships, including those of the opposite sex to whom they may find themselves attracted.
  • Talk! The discussion can start long before our children are anywhere near the time when dating might begin. Attraction to the opposite sex begins very early in life. It is a normal, God given desire and attraction. We should never make our kids feel guilty for having a normal attraction, but begin the discussion about how to handle that desire. Draw them out and listen to their thoughts and heart. Don’t dictate to them how they should think.
  • Inform! You can begin by sharing that the ultimate goal in dating is to meet a potential marriage partner. Dating can be used to get to know the opposite sex, with marriage in mind, but also a chance to learn how to interact with the opposite sex in a God honoring way.
  • Pray some more! We need to pray for, and with, our kids. Ask God for wisdom to know how to help your kids walk out this area in their lives. Encourage your kids to pray about what this should look like in their lives. When the time comes that they come to you and express that they are interested in someone, you can begin to pray for wisdom on how to handle the friendship.  James 1:5

There is one important, non-negotiable rule of dating. The scripture is very clear that God’s desire for believers is that they marry a believer. So, that would be one hard and fast rule you can have. 2 Cor. 6:14

Read the Word. Pray. Seek God’s direction. Pray for your children. Allow God to do things His way in your children and their relationships, and try to  enjoy the process!

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;

I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Psalm 32:8

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Why Teen Years Can Be Challenging

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So exactly WHAT is it that can make living with teens some of the most challenging years of raising kids?

We have 2 daughters married and gone, 4 teen boys at home along with a 12 yr old girl and 9 year old boy.  This can make for some interesting dynamics that I write more about on my blog, Simple Nourishing Home.

This last week, I felt like I was losing my mind! I had no idea why. I spent some time over the weekend praying about it off and on. As the fog started to lift and things became clearer, I realized that our kids had slowly begun to run the household. And I don’t mean in a good way. It seemed as though every decision, every direction was met with resistance of some sort: they had a better plan or idea, a reason that my direction was unreasonable or not well thought out, they’d slump their shoulders a bit or roll their eyes at me (usually jokingly) or just not follow through on what I asked. They were sleeping in, not getting chores done on time and somehow I missed these changes. These were not blatant. They were subtle, but ultimately added up to a more chaotic household and a mom who felt like she was drowning.

Here’s the deal (and this is what my husband and I ended up telling the kids): God has created family order. Children (yes, even teens) are to respect and honor their parents. When that boundary is in place, there is peace. These are not MY ideas or rules. They are God’s. Even though our kids are not rebellious kids, they are human and have a tendency to begin to take over, especially teens. Our family dynamics involve a lot of boys. Boys tend to be conquerors by nature and want to exert their manliness. I have told our boys many times that I understand this natural urge of theirs to be leaders, but I will not be the person they will be leading. They will likely have their own wife and family someday. I AM NOT THAT PERSON. For now, they are learning to respect and honor a woman (me) because that quality is just as important in a husband as leadership. Although I try to treat them with respect because I know how important that is to boys/men, I have to hold my ground as their mom while they are growing up, while still helping them own more and more of their own decisions. The hard part is differentiating between the decisions WE need to be making as parents and the ones THEY need to be making.

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This can lead to mistakes. But mistakes can also be opportunities, chances to clarify what the boundaries should be.  This is where we make an important choice. We can recognize when things are not right and simply be REAL with our kids. Tell them where we think the mistake has been made. We can do this and still maintain our position as parents because that is important too. We need to provide an ongoing guiding role, while letting our teens slowly own more and more of their decisions.  And can I give you a little tip?  When THEY have made the mistake and are having a hard time admitting it, use more questions (as opposed to accusations) to gently help them see things more clearly.  This (usually) will encourage them to own it sooner.

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It’s exhausting walking this line.   We want our teens to become their own person.  In fact, that process is often what causes the most conflict. We want them to learn to make decisions, to be leaders, to be initiators, to have ideas, to be thinkers.   Just not when it conflicts with our agenda!  And so we do the dance.  The dance of deciding when we need to let them have a say in things and when it’s time for them to honor our decisions even if they don’t believe them to be the best.  We give them the freedom to have their opinion, while still honoring our God-given role as parents.  One practical way that we do this?  We tell our teens that we are willing to consider their ideas/suggestions after they have verbally communicated their willingness to follow through with our original request.  Something like this: “Dad, I am totally willing to do the job the way that you are asking, but I was wondering if I could do it this way because…?”

And don’t think for one second that you can do this well, without God.  He is the One who does the deep, lasting work in our hearts and the hearts of our teens.  Our greatest battles will, without question, be won on our knees.

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Who Is Your Hero?

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Who is your hero

Have you read Heidi’s post Teaching Our Kids About Honor?  I did, and it resonated deep within me. In the post, Heidi shares the importance of teaching our kids honor and how, as a society, we are bestowing celebrity status upon people who haven’t earned that honor.  It caused me to reflect upon my childhood, and my heroes growing up.

Honestly, my “heroes” weren’t the best. Like many teenagers, I was interested in what the world counted as worth – beauty, fame, power. I knew the names and backgrounds of Victoria’s Secret models better than those of the disciples. I looked up to whichever pop artist had the  #1 song on the countdown charts more than the Proverbs 31 woman.

And it wasn’t good for my spirit. I could have had better heroes. I wish my heroes had been Ruth or Nehemiah.

Now before you get too upset, let me explain, I’m not saying Victoria (or her secret) is evil. Personally, I don’t believe that our heroes have to be solely from the Bible.  What I do believe – wholeheartedly and passionately – is that we should be asking these questions:

Do my heroes point me toward the cross? Do my children’s heroes point them toward the cross?

Christian heroes

This country needs a revival of true, faithful heroes! We need men and women who give the glory to God before taking it for themselves.  We need less “experts” shouting from their corner of the media and more students of the Word. We are in need of leaders who consult the Truth, not a round table of advisers. Can I get an amen?

Too often our heroes have been athletes that, when caught cheating, continue to lie, blame others and fight their punishment. Or celebrities who are famous for nothing more than being wealthy. Or actors who glamorize the enticing life of sex, drugs and rock & roll.

I don’t expect my heroes to be perfect. But what I want is for them to point me to the Truth. I want them, when they falter, to admit their mistake and share their repentance. I need to be encouraged in my faith. I hope to be reminded daily that the only true hero is the One who sent his son to die on the cross, because He is the reason for this life I lead.

Who is your Biblical hero? Do you have an everyday hero?

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Celebrate Your Children?

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Are you being a help or a hindrance in your child’s personal faith journey?  I can’t imagine that any parent would purposely be a hindrance. We all want what is best for our children, and have in mind what we think is the best way to accomplish all we want for them. Unfortunately, if we aren’t careful, we can actually be a hindrance and not even realize it. I don’t want that, I know you don’t either! So what’s a mom to do?

Take the time to reflect on how God parents you, and then turn around and do the same for your children!   And how does God parent you? By lavishing you with grace. From the moment you are conceived to the very end of your life, you are showered with grace from your heavenly Father. He draws you to Himself, makes you His child, and carries you through each day.  As a parent, we can purpose to stay connected to our Source of grace, and then we can be a channel by which God’s grace is shown.

We have the amazing privilege of being the very first people who will live out and introduce the gospel of Grace to our children!

Of course we love this concept, but what do you do when you find yourself in the middle of the daily grind of fussy babies, piles of diapers, willful two year old, sibling battles, loads of laundry, and all that comes with the daily in and out of raising children? At times you can find yourself stuck in survival mode.

You must prepare yourself to live a life of grace with your children.

The first, and most important thing is to be connected to the Source of grace!  You must fight for time to be in the Word and prayer.  Nurture your relationship with God. As we press in, and depend upon the Source, we are given what we need to face the daily stuff of life, and we also are provided with the ability to pour that same grace out onto our precious children.

Second, evaluate how you are viewing those precious people God has entrusted you with! Do you view them as kids you need to raise, or as precious, unique individuals that have been entrusted to your care for a few short years?

This is something that I am very passionate about! So passionate, in fact, that I wrote a book about it!  Let me introduce to you:

Grace Gifts: Celebrating Your Children Every Day

Grace Gifts is not meant to be another book of standards for you to try and measure up to. It is not just another “to do” list for you to follow. My goal in sharing the things that God is so graciously teaching my husband and me is to encourage you away from rules and lists–and the striving and fear that go with them–and instead free you up to be encouraged to relax, to enjoy your children, and learn how to see them as the amazing individuals God made them to be. To encourage you to parent your children with grace.

We, as parents, have an amazing privilege and opportunity to teach our children what the meaning of grace is by putting it into action as we interact with them through every season of their lives, as we respond to them in the challenges of daily life–even when they resist authority, even when they make mistakes. As they navigate the battles of life, they need us to extend grace to them daily and celebrate with them in times of victory.

We give them a priceless gift when we choose to become their biggest cheerleader and support system. Celebrating our children and showing them the same grace we have experienced from our God helps us to view our kids as more than just our children who need to be raised, but as precious people who need to be pointed to Christ.

So why do we celebrate our children? Because our Heavenly Father celebrates us, every day.

And, like our children, we need His gentle reminders of grace that point us back to the cross. We see in  Zephaniah 3:17, that God celebrates His children! We also see in Isaiah 62:5 that He rejoices over us “…as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.” In the same way God rejoices over and celebrates us, we can rejoice over and celebrate our own children, showing them a picture of the Father!

Would you like to learn how to connect with your children and how to be their biggest cheerleader no matter what stage of parenthood you find yourself in?

Join me as I share practical ways in which we can celebrate our children, at any age, by lavishing them with grace, helping them to gain an understanding of what God does for each of us on a daily basis.

You can purchase “Grace Gifts: Celebrating Your Children Every Day” HERE!  And please let me know if it is an encouragement to you!

 

How to LOVE Your Teen

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How to LOVE Your Teen

If you have one or more teens in the house, you probably know that it can be hard to love them at times.  REALLY. HARD.  Those years are full of so many changes both for your teen AND you.  Things aren’t nearly as simple as they used to be.  Their hormones are changing at warp speed, they desperately need to become their own person, and they have no idea what that is supposed to look like.  And neither do we.

We currently have 4 teens (along with 2 married daughters and 2 younger children).  I have often felt like I am walking through a maze with a blindfold on trying to figure out how to get them to adulthood with our relationship intact.  They will probably always love me, but I really want them to LIKE me by the time they become adults.   I have blown it more times than you can imagine, and somehow I still have a good relationship with all of them.

But it takes work.  It means being intentional.  It means loving them when they are the hardest to love.  Here are a few ideas on how to LOVE your teen:

Listen:  Be available to talk when they need to.  My experience is that they usually want to talk about the time you are ready to FALL into bed at the end of an exhausting day.  I have often resisted the urge to point them to the door, but honestly, I’ve never regretted taking the time to listen.  I don’t know that the glimpses into the secret places of their hearts would have happened at any other time.

Offer support:  It’s super easy to keep parenting them like they are in elementary school, telling them what to do instead of asking questions without judgment.  Even offer to DO something to help. This helps them know that you are on their side.  When they feel supported, they are encouraged to come to their own conclusions about things.  It’s crucial that they learn to work things out for themselves and in this type of conversation, you often have the opportunity to help direct them.  It’s also more likely that they will come to you for guidance more often.

Validate:  It’s really important that our teens know their feelings are valid.  The truth is that no one can tell someone else how to feel.  So when our kids are dealing with feelings of disappointment, frustration or anger, we need to give them validation by empathizing with them. I don’t mean that they can act any way they want to, don’t get me wrong.  That part does need to be kept within boundaries.  But it’s usually best to wait for their emotions to diminish before problem solving or discussing possible solutions to the deeper issues.

Encourage:  It’s doubtful that you could give your teen TOO much encouragement.  They are already dealing with loads of self-doubt.  Do you remember what it was like to be a teenager?  It’s crazy HARD!  What are some of the ways you would have liked to be encouraged? Try some of those out and see what happens.  I recently emailed letters of encouragement to each of our teens.  I took my time and was thoughtful in what I wrote to them.  They were thrilled!

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Don’t forget to ENJOY your teen.  It can seem like conflict is endless at times, so it’s that much more important that we have FUN with them whenever we can.

Lastly, don’t think for one minute that you can pull this off without God’s help.  I’ve never felt so needy as I have in parenting teens and I’ve never felt God’s presence so strongly.  I’ve seen Him answer VERY specific prayers for the hearts of our teens over and over again, and I’ve had the privilege of watching our teens grown into amazing, confident, God loving adults.

Growing great kids is NOT for the faint-hearted, so be brave and be encouraged!  It’s a worthwhile investment!

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Teaching Our Kids About Honor

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Yesterday, I was in a grocery store with my daughter. She was glancing at magazine covers as we unloaded our cart contents onto the conveyor belt. Aside from the usual gossip magazine covers, I noticed that several major magazines had lead stories about young people (and a few not-so-young people) who were making the most of their celebrity status—by behaving foolishly.

A magazine cover indicates a certain sort of honor, doesn’t it? That’s what my young daughter assumes.

Have you ever wondered why it’s important that we use wisdom in giving honor? You don’t have to look much farther than the newspaper and national media to figure out that we’re not exercising much discernment in bestowing honor these days. Here’s who we are currently elevating to “celebrity” status:

Athletes whose lives off the field are a wreck
Pastors who have a “following” but lack personal integrity
Reality TV personalities
Bloggers (hello!)
Actors
Musicians

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that these people are not worth of honor. But honestly? It’s not hard to see we have a problem where honor is concerned in our culture. The Bible has a lot to say about the importance of bestowing honor.

As snow in summer, and as rain in harvest, so honor is not fitting for a fool.

In Romans 13:7, Paul instructs us to give honor to whom honor is due. When we honor people such as athletes simply based on their skill and ignore their personal lives, we do everyone a disservice. When we honor celebrities who clearly have huge moral deficits, what message are we sending to our children?

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I believe the message is clear: we’re telling our kids that as long as they can produce something that other people want (like a winning touchdown), all bets regarding their behavior are off.  There’s no clear solution on the horizon, either. As a culture, we need to do a better job of honoring those to whom honor is due. Christian or not, behavior matters.

As parents, this translates into everyday life with our children. When we praise our children for their achievements regardless of their behavior, we’re not doing them any favors. Praise them for their integrity, courage, kindness, respect and honesty. Let’s help our children to make wise choices by making wise choices ourselves. When we honor the wise choices they make, we are teaching our children what is worthy of praise.

Family Fun at the Beach

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Summer is here and many families are spending time at the beach. I’m not a fan of the beach myself, but my boys are beach bums! Living in Florida means that it’s beach weather for most of the year, and I try to get my boys out as often as I can.  I had so much fun sharing things to do at the park with your kids that I thought I’d do a list for the beach.

Family Fun at the Beach

5 Things to do with your Family at the Beach

1. Nature walk: Yep can do this at the beach as well. Walk along the shore and the sand and look for animals.  Consider doing a morning walk, an afternoon walk and an evening walk and notice the difference in what you find. Or a high tide walk and a low tide walk! We usually find hermit crabs, small fish and seagulls on our walks. And every now and then we are blessed with a dolphin or manatee sighting.  Just be sure to watch out for jellyfish, they sting!  (Take pics of what you find if you can’t collect it, then identify it in a nature book when you’re back home!)

2. Collect sea shells: There are many different kinds of shells at the beach. Take some time to collect some as you hang out on the shore. You can start a collection, or use the shells to decorate by filling glass containers, scattering them on window sills or decorating picture frames.  You can also make charts and graphs of the different animals, sizes, colors and shapes of shells you collected.

3. Build a sand castle: Every year around summer time I take my boys to the dollar store to stock up on buckets and shovels for the beach.  We are not very skilled at sand castle construction, but we have a lot of fun trying. I learned that the trick to getting your castle to stand is to use wet sand. My boys have fun collecting buckets of sand that we pile in rows and columns to build our kingdom. We also use some of our sea shell collection as decorations.

4. Pick up trash: Sadly, the beach can be covered with litter. I like to take a few minutes before we head home to pick up any garbage that we see on the sand and near the water. Especially be on the lookout for those plastic soda rings those are very deadly for the sea animals.

5. Have fun! Get out there and splash in the water with your children. The waves can be a ton of fun. My boys like to be thrown into the big waves when we are at the beach. I can’t pick them up anymore, but I can gently push them into the water.  Be willing to do something you might not enjoy for the sake of making a memory with your children. It’s worth it!

BONUS: Many of us like to gather books to read before we go to the beach, so you’ll be familiar with what you see while you’re there.  Here are some of our favorites:

Those are just a few ideas of ways to have fun with your family at the beach. We usually spend an entire afternoon/late evening in the sun. I pack lunch/dinner, snacks and lots of water.

What are some of your favorite things to do at the beach?

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Heidi St John Guide to Daylight