Category Archives: Parenting

Changing History One Generation at a Time

As many of you know, tonight will be the seventh and deciding game of the World Series in Major League Baseball. If you’re a baseball fan that’s the Holy Grail of games– the grandaddy of them all. Teams wait for a generation or more to play in a World Series. The majority of major league baseball players never have the opportunity to play in a World series at all during their entire career. Fans wait with their favorite team, decade after decade in some cases.

The Kansas City Royals and their fans are a case in point. The last time the Royals were in a post-season playoff game was 1985. Some of you weren’t even born yet. An entire new generation of Kansas City fans has never seen the Royals make a single post-game appearance. But this year the Royals won a wild-card game to make the playoffs, then swept the Oakland Athletics and the Baltimore Orioles to face the mighty San Francisco Giants for the world championship.

In a hard fought series that now stands tied at three games each the two teams have sparred and wrestled to a draw. Tonight’s seventh and final game will decide who wears the crown as World Champions for the next 12 months.

So what does ANY of that have to do with parenting or education? Let me share one more story and then I’ll tell you.

I have a good friend. Though he’s 24 years younger than I am, he and I share much in common. We were both raised by cold, emotionally absent fathers who were busy with their own lives. We each wear the emotional wounds to prove it. We have compared scars.

My friend is a lifelong Kansas City resident and a rabid Kansas City Royals baseball fan. He loves the Royals whether they win or lose. Kenny has been blessed to see several of these exciting post-season games in person with close friends. It’s been a Kansas City fan’s dream October. No one I know is more excited than Kenny about tonight’s historic seventh game.

Kenny was 11 years old the last time the Royals played in the World Series. Today Kenny has a son who is 11 years old. A full generation has passed. The 11-year-old boy of 1985 has now become the father of an 11-year-old boy in 2014.

I called my friend this morning to ask him if he enjoyed last night’s game. He assured me it had been exciting from start to finish. Then I asked him what his plans were for tonight’s all-or-nothing, climactic seventh game. I fully expected my friend to say he had somehow scored more tickets to the game tonight; a chance to sit with lifelong buddies and watch history made. Or at the least to gather with other baseball fans to watch the big show. But his answer left me speechless.

Kenny said, “Tonight, I’m going to sit with my 11-year-old son and we’re going to watch the game together on TV… just the two of us. My son loves baseball as much as I do and I want to share this experience with him.”

29 years ago, when Kenny was 11, he watched alone while a self-absorbed and abusive father followed his own dreams. Deeply wounded by a difficult father-son relationship, Kenny has made the decision to change history. He is determined to make choices for his own son that are based on what he would have wanted as a boy rather than what he experienced.

So whether you watch the game tonight, or read the final score tomorrow, I want you to think about two 11-year-old boys and the difference one generation has made.

You have within you, the power to change history. The choices you make today, and tomorrow, and the next day will determine the legacy you leave to your children. I’m so very proud of my good friend and the choices and sacrifices I see them making each day to break the chains of the past and to give his children the gift of love; a nurturing father who wants to spend time with them more than anything else.

What we do today really does matter. And what tomorrow looks like will be shaped by the choices we make today.

Steve Lambert

How Do We Get Our Boys To Lead And Obey?

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Teens. I have 3 of them. Three male teens to be exact. Living with teen boys has proven itself to be an exciting and exhausting endeavor.

For one, they’re a lot of fun! I often share their antics on social media with the hashtag #3teenslater because you never know what might happen. From spontaneous engine tinkering, to pranks gone wrong, to emptying a fridge of all food options in 30 minutes or less – they’re busy! Just as busy as toddlers.

I know that may be hard for young moms to believe, but it’s true. They don’t slow down, they just get bigger!

When my teens were young, I used to think things would get easier. No more changing diapers, no more chopping food into itty-bitty pieces. And that’s true, in some ways things do get easier. Yet different challenges take their place.

Personally, the biggest challenge I’ve had in raising teen boys is learning to let go while still maintaining authority. I think this is especially true with boys.

God created boys to be leaders. Heads of their households. Providers for the family. They often have a natural inclination to arrange, order, and trail blaze. There’s nothing wrong with that. That spirit is a God-given gift of leadership.

We don’t want to extinguish the flame.

However we’re the parents and and they still need to obey. So how do we all survive the dichotomy of subdued leadership? What does that look like? How do we walk that line? Honestly, it will look different for every family. I can only tell you what has worked for us.

My husband and I made the conscious decision to pick our battles (as best we could) and give our boys plenty of decision making experience. They needed to learn to make good decisions, in a safe environment (home), before we could expect them to make good decisions in a volatile environment (free society). We began young, and slowly expanded decision making opportunities as they grew in maturity.

It started with little things, like letting them pick what movie they wanted to watch. (Hint: save yourself some sanity and only give a toddler two or three items to pick from to start.)

As I said, we picked our battles. For the teens, there were decisions they could make…and decisions they couldn’t.

TEEN’S DECISIONS

What to wear (within reason, nothing vulgar, immodest, etc.)
How to spend their free time (that’s why it’s called free time)
The order in which they did chores/school work
How clean (or not) to keep their room

PARENT’S DECISIONS

Curfew/bedtime
The appropriateness of their entertainment choices (books, games, movies)
What chores/school work was expected
The time of day/week the chores/school work need to be completed

This is, of course, not an exhaustive list. Just something to give you an idea of how we work. You can see, we as parents have control of the main decision (curfew/bedtime) but we give our children freedom to make many smaller decisions within those parameters (what to do before bedtime).

Now all that makes everything sound so sweet, and easy, and balanced, doesn’t it? Ha! I will tell you with 100% honesty and openness from one parent to another, we doubted ourselves. We reevaluated and readjusted the parameters as needed.

We took also took away the right to make decisions if a teen repeatedly made bad decisions.

Didn’t get their chores finished? Wouldn’t wake up on time? You better believe we took away freedoms. We tried to do it with kindness, explaining that they weren’t demonstrating maturity or respect, and they would get the freedom back when they demonstrated an increase in maturity or respect.

But teen boys can be headstrong and stiff backed and honestly, we had plenty of heated moments. Even some really ugly moments.

And that’s where love and grace come in to play. We can have all the rules, guidelines and stipulations we want, however they won’t yield a harvest if we fail to love our children. Right. Where. They. Are. Even when they’re standing right in front of us, rolling their eyes. We must love them right where they are.

If our children know we love them, 100% without a doubt, they trust us. They trust our authority over their lives. They are more likely to respect our decisions and rules.

Why do you trust the Lord with your life? Part of the reason I trust Him is because I know (that I know that I know) that He loves me and wants what is best for me. Our relationship with the Father is the perfect example for us to follow with our children. He gave us the Bible – full of rules, guidelines…and love.

Let’s make sure our teens get the same.

~ Cheryl

How to Spoil Your Child in Five Easy Steps

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Twenty five years ago, I had a lot of theories about parenting. You know—because I was a kid once. Boom. Qualified.

Yeah.

Don’t judge.

These days, I have a lot more grace for new parents. Having raised two of our seven to adulthood, I have to say, I died on a lot of hills that really didn’t need to see a battle at all. I dug my heels in over stupid things like whether or not my children could watch Pokemon. True story. Moral? There really are things that we can fixate on that won’t matter much in the end.

Flipside? There are also things that definitely WILL matter. Mark my words. We’re living in a culture of over-indulgence. As parents, we’ve been duped into believing that our kids “need” a whole bunch of stuff that they don’t need at all. So if you want to spoil your kids, start here:

Make sure they have an iPad or a smart tablet. At the very least, give your kid a cell phone. After all, these things are important. Think of the apps they’ll miss out on and games they could be playing. Eight year olds need tablets and laptops. Kids are noisy. This is a great way to keep them out of our hair. Besides, it’s dangerous outside. And boring too. The kids told me so just last week.

Since when did “wants” become “needs?” Since we let it, that’s when. I’m not sure when we decided that childhood required all the trappings of adult life—but if our kids are watching our example, we might be in all kinds of trouble in this area. I get the importance of being able to contact a child at school, etc., but they don’t need a “smart” phone—a simple dumb phone will do. Data plans are expensive. If you kids can’t pay for a data plan, don’t give them one. And that brings me to my next point…
Pay allowance to your kids for simply being alive. Kids need money in order to learn how to spend it wisely. Besides, they only get one shot at being a kid. Make it as carefree as possible.

Children need to learn to work. Giving a child responsibilities and chores says two things right off the bat: “You’re a valuable part of this family” and “The world doesn’t revolve around you.” Parents don’t need to give their kids money for the sake of doing it. When was the last time you got money just for being alive? We don’t help our kids by giving them allowance for doing nothing. We enable them and teach them to live dependent on others rather than teaching them that there is reward found in working for what they have. Look around you. Watch the news. This mentality is not working for our nation, and it won’t work for our kids.
Buy their clothes new. Thrift store clothes are for “other kids.” Who cares if they’ll grow out of that new pair of pants in three months? It’s your job to make sure your kids have the best of everything, and clothes are an important part of a child’s developing identity…right?

I grew up in a houseful of seven kids. Hand-me-downs were a way of life for us—and it’s become a way of life for my children, too. Don’t misunderstand: I’m not against buying new things once-in-a-while. But most families simply can’t afford to fit every growth spurt with a new pair of Levi’s. Taking your kids thrift-store and consignment store shopping not only teaches them to be wise stewards later in life, it offers a healthy lesson in humility. (Besides, you’ll save a lot of money, too.)
Forgo opportunities to help others on a consistent basis. Our kids don’t need to be “exposed” to homeless shelters and soup lines. The church pays for a janitor, so I don’t need to volunteer our time to tidy up the place… and if that single mom can’t afford to pay her babysitter, well, it’s her problem, right?

Wrong. It’s our job as parents to lift our kid’s eyes up so they can see beyond their own circumstances. Helping others develops empathy in our children—something that video games can never do. When we take our children on mission trips, encourage them to volunteer in the nursery and help them pick out toys for less fortunate kids during the holidays, we’re telling them that they’re part of a bigger picture.
Don’t require respect from your children. It’s okay if they don’t answer when you speak to them. Asking kids to make eye contact and speak respectfully to adults sends a message that adults know more than kids. Don’t worry if they’re rude to their teacher or other adults. Using “Mr.” and “Mrs.” is old-fashioned, and so is asking the adult what they would like to be called. Forgetaboutit. (said in my best NY accent.)

This might be the one of the biggest issues we face as parents in this culture. Children who are not taught to respect authority or treat adults with respect miss two important milestones on their journey toward adulthood: They miss the benefit of recognizing that they are in a season of learning to be worthy of respect themselves, and they miss the opportunity to practice humility. Sure there are many adults who are not worthy of respect, but that’s not the point. If we allow our children to be disrespectful to us as parents, they will not have respect for anyone. That’s a fact.

Hey. I’m not trying to sound like a mean mom—I love my kids to the moon and back. But I worry for our future as a nation when I see children who are overindulged and self-important. It’s becoming more and more rare to see a child disciplined for speaking disrespectfully to an adult or show up to an event sans smartphone. If we want a culture of self-absorbed, selfish and myopic adults, we’re well on our way unless we start to see those “old fashioned” values as timeless instead.

Be the parent. Your kids will thank you for it.

I’m Sure She Meant Well

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I often hear from moms who need some reassurance that their lives are going to go back to “normal” after having a baby.

Honestly? I’m not sure our lives ever return to “normal” after we have babies. It’s been nearly 23 years since my first introduction to sleep deprived living. “Normal” is still nowhere in sight. I forget things. I’m often tired.

I have to write things down on my TO DO list like “drink water.” Seriously.

If you’ve been reading my blog for very long, you know I’ve had a tough season. Last October, I said “thanks and goodbye” to my uterus. The following spring, another surgery followed. Some things just happen. You veer off course. Sometimes, you just have to roll with it, right? When you’re physically, emotionally or spiritually depleted, the word “margin” takes on new meaning. I find I’m grouchy and distracted when I don’t have enough margin in my life.

Take last week, for example.

It was supposed to be a quick trip to the store when my nearly four year old announced she had to go to the bathroom. I don’t know what it is about public restrooms that seem to draw my children in—but I believe store and restaurant bathrooms are at the top of their “must see” lists. It can never be a quick trip, either. Hey. I don’t want to be the mom who other moms overhear in a bathroom stall saying, “You better not be wanting to go poop right now!” (… yeah. That wasn’t me.)

We left the bathroom a little less put-together than when we went in, only to discover that the other two kids had decided it would be a good time to beg me for a “movie night,” thereby setting into motion the age-old “mommy guilt” complex that many of us take on too easily. It might go hand-in-hand with the weary “you must be kidding me right now” look.

“Movies are for Friday nights,” I said wearily. “It’s Tuesday.”

“But Mooooooommmmmm! You promised!” Really? Maybe I did—in a moment of weakness. I couldn’t remember though. I can never be sure, since they always get me on stuff like that. I was standing my ground, though, talking about our fall bedtime routine and schoolwork that needed to be finished when I noticed a woman was watching me from an aisle over.

Great. Now I’m a bad mom and I have an audience.

She smiled and I’m sure she meant well, but I was about to go all sorts of crazy when she said, “Savor this time” before ducking into the organic food aisle. Really, lady?

I almost cried as I put a bag of celery in my cart. I just needed a nap. Maybe a nap would fix it.

I’m sure she meant well—but honestly? She looked like she was caught up on her sleep. I didn’t notice green smoothie stains on her shirt. She seem to have showered recently.

I’ve been a mom for about 24 years now. With two grown daughters, I have experienced how fast the time goes. But that’s not always the point. Moms need a little grace. I think most moms are desperately trying to hang on to this season but there is a very real element of simply “surviving” it, too.

Yes. I want to savor every little moment. Like you, I imagine, I don’t want to be the mom who “just survived.”

So busy mom, when people like me or some random lady in the grocery store tell you to savor each moment you have with your kids, take it in stride. Yes, do savor it! But be ready for those not-so-savory moments. They don’t mean you’re a bad mother.

Mothering has its ups and downs. The trick, I think, is to keep your eyes on what you’re doing: you’re raising the next generation. Bottom line? You’re pouring out your life in this season so that your grandchildren will have good parents in the next.

While we do this work, let’s remember that some day, we’ll be in a different season. Hopefully, we’ll give grace to the tired mom we see with green smoothie stains on her shirt and instead of offering her advice, we’ll say a little prayer for her. Goodness knows she’ll probably appreciate the quiet prayer more than the advice.
Carry on, brave mother!

Exposing the Truth about A Homeschooling “Wonder Woman”

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It’s that time of year again. School is in session. I hear the air brakes of the school bus every morning around 7:15 a.m. and I get stuck behind the busses again if I leave home between 2:45 and 4:30 to travel into town on our rural back roads. Yep. School is back in session. Please, send coffee. Stat.

Now, I know that some of you think of me (erroneously) as some sort of Homeschool Wonder Woman … and, well— here’s the truth: I AM “Wonder Woman.” Don’t believe me? Allow me to explain:

I wonder sometimes about what life would be like if I put my kids back in school.
I wonder if I would have more “free” time (whatever that means) if my kids were in school.
I wonder if our lives might be easier if we just put the kids in school.
I wonder when I won’t have to teach long division anymore. (At this rate, I’ll be 67.)
I wonder why the kids don’t get up on their own. Instead, I have to get them up. Over, and over and over.

I wonder if there’s an easier way.

Here’s the thing: there’s isn’t an “easier” way. This life is hard—and nothing that’s worth doing in this life is gonna be easy. Including homeschooling. And that’s okay.

Let me put it another way: How could we experience His strength if we did keenly feel our own weakness?

It may surprise you to learn that I don’t wake up every day full of confidence and energy.

Instead, I wake up every day and reach for my Bible. I reach for the Living Water and drink deeply—because I know that the day will be full of opportunities for me to be selfish, afraid, impatient and unkind. I don’t want my children to always see me in acting in my flesh. Instead, I want them, and their descendants to see God’s Spirit poured out. I believe He desires us to see His Spirit poured out even through the humble act of homeschooling.

“For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground; I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants.” Isaiah 44:3

Through God’s eyes, I can see beyond just surviving to days that are brimming with opportunities to be thankful. Each new day offers me the chance to watch my nine year old study a rock or see my thirteen year old interacting with his three year old sister. I can hear my Shepherd remind me that if I will let Him, God will renew my strength. Through His eyes, I’ll see more than my failures—I’ll see His strength giving me just enough to face that mountain in front of me.

He’ll do the same for you, precious mom. If you trust Him, then trust His word. Let His words fall fresh on your heart as you enter a new season:

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

I’m no Wonder Woman. But, if you see any “wonder” in me, I hope you will see that the real wonder is Christ… gently correcting this sometimes weary mama and leading as I follow after him like the lamb that I am. We are all His sheep, in need a Shepherd, and in need of His leading. If God has called you to homeschool, He has already given you everything that you need. You can find inspiration in others, but your strength needs to be found in Him.

If you’ll look to Him to fill and guide you, I promise: the next “wonder” that He’ll do—will be in you.

Now, go find your cape. Mine looks a lot like an apron.

Busy Mom’s Favorites {Quiet Time Activities for Kids}

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I remember when my first son was really small and I would look forward to his naptime so that I could have a break and grab a shower. I remember the joy that I felt when he finally settled into 2 naps a day: the glorious 2 hour nap in the morning and the wonderful hour nap right before dinner. I also remember the terror and fear that struck my heart when he switched to one nap a day and then the disappointment when he stopped napping altogether.

When boy #2 arrived it was the same roller coaster of emotions. When he started showing signs of giving up naps I knew that I needed to find something that would let me have a few moments during the day to regain my sanity and something that would help my boys get the rest and downtime they needed. Quiet time activities were the answer!

Quiet Time Activities for Your Non-Napping Children

When my boys stopped napping I knew that they still needed time to rest during the day even if they didn’t need to sleep. I came up with a list of things that they could do in their rooms quietly for an hour while I had some time to get some work done or occasionally get some rest myself.

Audiobooks are our favorite quiet time activity. My boys love listening to the stories and the thing that I love is that I can tell them to listen to X number of chapters or the whole thing before they get up or come out of their room. This keeps them from coming out or yelling down the hall every 5 minutes “Is it time to get up yet?”. Here are some of our favorite audiobooks:

Other activities that work well for quiet time:

Making the Transition to Quiet Time

My boys usually listen to an audiobook in their beds for about and hour and then get up and play quietly in their room for another hour. It took some time to get to this point. If your children are really young or new to quiet time you may need to start in smaller increments and work your way up to your desired amount of time. Use a timer so that you child won’t have to ask you every minute if quiet time is over. Also make sure that everyone has had lunch and some time to run around and burn off some energy before starting quiet time.

Here are a few other tips to help you get started:

A baby gate is a helpful for little ones so that they don’t leave their room. It gives them a safe, structured place to play.
Be consistent: if you are going to transition to quiet time, stick to it. Don’t allow your children to argue or negotiate with you.
Rotate activities so that your children don’t get bored. Have things that only come out during quiet time or maybe have a scheduled rotation.

Do you have any favorite activities or tips to add to this list? What do your non nappers do?

You Are Awesome! 10 Ways to Show Your Teens That You Like Them

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“Mom, why don’t you love me just like I am? Why do you want me to be someone I’m not?!” These words were recently spoken by my son. How on earth had I given this child whom I love more than life the idea that I don’t love him just as he is? And how could I show him that I do?

My son is 17 years old and has Asperger’s. He knows he’s different than most other people his age, and he struggles with that. But what he doesn’t realize yet is that many teens struggle with feeling different. With feeling like they don’t belong. With feeling like they’re not good enough or even, at times, like their parents don’t love them—or at least don’t like them very much.

One of the reasons I joined The Busy Mom is to encourage other moms of special needs kiddos. I have 3 of them. My oldest is severely autistic and totally non-verbal. My son has Asperger’s and struggles with serious sensory issues. My youngest has ADHD. So I’m definitely here to encourage and (hopefully) help other moms of special needs kids.

But sometimes, whether our kids are neuro-typical or not, they’re going to struggle—and so are we as parents. I suppose if we didn’t struggle at times, we would feel like we have it all under control. Like we don’t need God. But we do. And He loves us enough to let us learn the hard way if necessary.

So how can we show our children that we love them just as they are? That they don’t have to be smarter or prettier or stronger or richer or anything other than who they are? Here are some ideas to get you (any myself!) started.

Don’t compare him to others. Don’t ever say, “The Johnson children always obey when their mom tells them to take out the trash. Why can’t you take out the trash just once without complaining about it?!” Instead, say something like, “I really appreciate it when you take out the trash without complaining.”
Take opportunities to point out the good in your children. These opportunities may be few and far between at first, but they should increase with time and positive feedback.
Learn each child’s love language and speak it as often as possible. A great book on this topic is The Five Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively by Gary D. Chapman. If you intentionally speak your child’s love language, your child will come to feel loved and accepted. This is definitely a step in the right direction.
Spend time with your children. I know it sounds crazy to tell you to spend time with your children because you already spend lots of time with them, right? The time I’m talking about, however, is time doing something your child enjoys. Our children feel like we are required to love them, but they know that doesn’t necessarily mean we like them. If we spend time now and then enjoying something with our children that they enjoy, that will communicate to them that we not only love but also like them.
Don’t bring up your child’s past mistakes. This can be a hard one, but it’s extremely important! None of us like having our past mistakes brought up—and that includes our kids.
Tell your kiddos that you like them—not just that you love them. Now and then, I hug one of my children and simply say, “Hey, I like you!” and give that child a big hug and kiss. (My son is obviously “due” for another one of these!)
Explain to your child that it’s ok if he or she isn’t like everyone else (especially if you have a special needs child). If possible, you might even want to point out some traits in your child that are particularly good and that others might not necessarily possess.
Take your child’s hopes, dreams, and plans seriously. If you do, your child will know that you truly do care. That you really want what’s best for him or her. Sure our children will from time to time have a plan that we know ahead of time just won’t work. Sometimes, though, our children have to learn lessons the hard way. But we can be there to support them and to encourage them to make a new plan and try again!
Make sure your children know that they can talk to you about anything as long as they do it in a respectful way. If our children are afraid we’ll fuss at them or get angry with them when they talk to us about certain things, they won’t be willing to come to us. It makes our children feel accepted and important (especially our older teens) when we’re willing to truly listen and consider what they have to say and to talk with them on a more “adult” level.
As your child’s opinion about things. I’ve noticed that when I ask my son’s opinions about things—even small things such as what to make for dinner or what book I should read next—it makes him feel important and like I value his opinion (which I do). It’s such a little thing, but it can truly make a big difference in his attitude and in his perceived value in the family.

Obviously I need to read back over this list now and then and remind myself to intentionally show and tell my children that I love them, like them, and am thankful for each of them. I hope these ideas help you too—or at least that they spark some ideas that you can use with your own children.

Do you have any tips to share? We would love to hear your ideas on how you help your children understand that you love them and that you like them just as they are!

Read more about Wendy in the AuthorBox below!

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net.

Heidi St. John

Speaking the Truth in Love