Category Archives: Parenting

Where Is the “Easy” Button for Parenting?

Did you ever sing The Bear Hunt song at school? I remember it well. See if this brings back any memories:

(Leader)
We’re going on a bear hunt!
(Group)
We’re going on a bear hunt!

We’re gonna catch a big one!
We’re gonna catch a big one!
I’m not afraid!
I’m not afraid!

As a third grader, I loved this form of adventure. It was a way to get the wiggles out while pretending to be brave for that cute boy with the messy hair and big blue eyes who sat two desks behind me.

The other day, I was talking with my friend about mothering. We were laughing about the ups and downs of every day life when the conversation turned to the difficulties of homeschooling. Eventually, we landed on the topic of raising children. So many of us spend money and time looking for that perfect solution for raising kids. Surely there must be an easier way. Last night when I was reflecting on our conversation, it came back to me. “This journey of parenting is a little like going on that bear hunt,” I thought. I couldn’t remember the whole thing, but after a little time on Google, I found it. I recalled repeating after my teacher as she said:

Oh, no! ” ”
It’s a big puddle of mud ” ”
Can’t go around it ” ”
Gotta go right thru it ” ”
Yeuk! ” ”
Well, let’s go.
Squish, Sqwish, Blaaahh.

Squish. Blaaaaaah. Are you struggling a strong-willed child? Maybe you are at odds with your teen. Squish. Plod. Can’t go around it. Can’t go over it. Can’t go under it. Gotta go through it. Sound familiar? It’s easy to think that if we just put our kids in school, our lives would be easier. Maybe, if we had more money or if our child was more obedient—or maybe less strong willed—life would be easier.

Precious mom, don’t think for a moment that this journey you’re on as a mother is only about the children you’re raising. I assure you; it’s as much about you as it is about your children. Parenting is the hardest, best thing that most of us will ever do. It’s not easy.

If you’re struggling today, don’t lose hope! Parenting isn’t supposed to be easy! It’s the struggle that’s teaching us! The journey is filled with challenges, both big and small: not unlike that Bear Hunt from so long ago …

We’re coming to a wide river ” ” (my child is strong-willed)
And there’s no bridge going over it ” ” (no book is going to fix it)
No tunnel going under it ” ” (there’s no way to ignore it)

If you feel overwhelmed by the many responsibilities and pressures of parenting, , know that you don’t have to go it alone. Those who love you won’t feel burdened by listening to you and helping you along in your journey. I can almost hear my friend Margaret talking to me as we dealt with our first fevers, fussy toddlers, school, adolescence, and finally adult children. I’m a “Mamsi” now—and I can’t wait to hold my grown daughter’s hand as she begins to cross the wide, wide river …

It’s just plain old water ” ”
And we’re gonna have to swim ” ”
All right, dive in!
Start swimming
Do the back stroke
Do the side stroke
Do the doggie paddle
Try the little cat paddle
OK Jump out, shake yourself off

Parenting is hard. There is no “easy button” for it—and that’s okay. It’s one of the reasons we need each other. It’s one of the reasons we crave relationship. We were created for relationship. We need to know we’re not alone.

Shhh, it’s a cave ” ”
Looks like the kind of cave that B-bears live in ” ”
I don’t know if I want to go in there
You think we oughta go in?
Are you nuts?
There’s probably a bear in there

Parenting requires both perseverance and authenticity. We need each other. As we go through the struggles of parenting, hopefully, we’re growing too. Are you helping that new mom or the mom who is struggling through a problem you have faced?

All right I’ll go in, You stay here,
And if I find a bear, I’ll come out and get you
And we’ll all go in and grab him together

The next time you see an exhausted mom sleeping through “Mommy and Me” class or posting about having too much laundry to do, encourage her! Since there is no “Easy Button” for this journey, we had better stick together.

I’ll come out and get you—we’ll all go in and do this thing … together.

Group hug,

The Gift of a Terrible Two!

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Brianna was only two years old, and I was so proud of my girl. She was the kind of toddler that did everything right. She never yelled, “NO!” She obeyed quickly. She was a happy little girl who wanted to please those around her, and she loved everyone. I decided that it was because I had done everything right. We were faithfully disciplining her, I was a stay at home mom, we had family bible time. Yes. I was doing it right, and the fruit of my rightness was an obedient two year old. The two’s don’t have to be terrible! I would say with self-confidence.

Then I gave birth to my second child.

Things started out in a similar fashion as they did with my first child. He was a happy, content baby. We started disciplining him early. I was a stay at home mom and he was included in Bible time. Our daughter was three years old and loved her little brother. Things were going well.

Then he turned two…

I’m not sure what happened on the second birthday of my second born, but my “the “twos” don’t have to be terrible” theory was slowly becoming a fallacy! The “twos” were terrible! They were awful! I would look at my husband and ask, “What are we doing wrong?” He would shake his head and say, “I don’t know!” I began to wonder if I would ever enjoy being a mother again.

“...God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5

I was a prideful mommy, and God was using my son to humble me!

Twenty years later I can see very clearly what was happening, but in the moment I was desperate for help. I am so thankful for the gift of a “terrible two” because it was exactly what this girl needed to be humbled. It’s the very thing that I needed to begin the process of learning that I can really only do so much. God has to work in the heart of my child. He has made individuals, not robots that respond to the “do’s and don’ts” of parenting!

God has made each child to be an individual. In some ways that makes it a little harder for us as parents, because there’s really no cookie cutter way of parenting. But if we allow it to, it forces us to drop to our knees and pray for continual guidance on how to direct each child. I have found that as I view my children as individuals, I am learning to appreciate them for the unique people that God has made them to be. I learn to love them in a deeper way as I get to know them as people…not just my kids.

Ask yourself some questions:

Do I view my children as the kids that I need to parent, or as individuals I have the privilege of getting to know?
Do I consult parenting books (which CAN be very helpful.) more than I do God and His Word, about the children He created and gave me?
When I give parenting advice, do I automatically share all that I have done as a parent, or do I encourage others to pray and ask God to lead them as individuals?
When people give me compliments about my children, do I take the credit or do I give God the glory for anything good that is seen?
Am I allowing God to use my children in MY life? Do I see that God is using them in my life to mold me into His image just as much as he is using me in their life?

Yes. Our children are individuals. Unique. Precious people. I am a better person having known my children. I sometimes feel that I have learned much, much more from them than they have learned from me! I am so thankful that God has given me 24 years of pointing these two precious people to their Savior!

And now that they are completely grown, if you see anything good in them, the verse that I will share with you is this one:

“…all that we have accomplished HE has done for us.” Isaiah 26:12

10 Things to Do At the Park

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One of my favorite places to hang out with my boys is the park. Living in Florida means that it’s usually warm enough to go outside all the time. While the playground equipment provides a lot of fun for my boys, I have found that there are many other things to do at the park that are just as fun {and sometimes educational}.

10 Things to Do with Your Kids at the Park

1. Have a picnic: On a really nice day pack up lunch and head to the park. I have an old comforter in my trunk that we use for our picnics at the park. One days when we just need to get out and get some fresh air a picnic can be just what we need.

2. Read a book: This one goes well with #1. When we have a picnic at the park I always take something to read. I will read to my boys while they eat their lunches. Sometimes it’s something for school (a history book) and sometimes it’s whatever read aloud we are working on. I also take something to read by myself while my boys play.

3. Take a nature walk: My boys love to explore and this year we are taking more time for nature walks. When we are at a park I try to take a 10-15 minutes when we first get there or right before we leave to go on a nature walk. We walk around the park and observe nature. We look for plants and animals. One year we visited the same park every week and we got to watch as ducklings hatched and grew. My boys also found a tadpole pond and we were able to watch the transformation from tadpole to frog.

4. Art: My boys love to paint and create and make messes. The park is a great place for this because there’s no mess in your house to clean up. My boys love watercolors and chalk pastels so these are usually what we take with us to the park. They get to draw or paint things that they see at the park or whatever pops into their heads. This can also be a great tie in with nature walks. Sometimes my boys will draw something that we found on our walk.

5. Fly a kite: My boys love to fly kites! Sadly I take after Charlie Brown when it comes to kite flying. But the park is a great place for kite flying. There’s lots of open space and grass to run. And if you need some help there’s usually someone there to help you out.

6. Target practice: My boys love to shoot things. We have cap guns, swords, nerf guns and archery sets everywhere. There really isn’t much room in our tiny apartment for my boys to really have fun with these toys so from time to time we take our armory to the playground.

7. Games: Re-live your childhood by playing some of your favorite games (hide-n-seek, red rover, tag, etc). My boys love to play hide and seek at the park because there are so many places to hide. If you have a big group of people red rover can be a lot of fun. My boys are always asking me for new games to play with kids at the park.

8. Ball Game: Grab those soccer balls, footballs and baseballs when you head to the park. Take advantage of the extra space to run and play and the extra kids to add to the fun!

9. Climb Trees: My boys love to climb trees. Every time that we go to a new park they run around looking for trees to climb. I love watching them climb like monkeys. Our favorite park has many trees and I love watching as my boys get older and are able to climb more trees.

10. Have fun: Get out there and play with your kids! My boys love it when I slide and climb and run around with them at the park.

What are some of your favorite things to do at the park?

Tell Them So That They Will Know Full Well!

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I was sitting next to her mother when the young woman arrived to pick up her son. She was tall, thin, and her long dark hair was naturally curly and complimented her dark eyes. She walked over to where her mother and I were sitting, greeted us, grabbed her son’s hand, and left. She never made eye contact.

“Your daughter is beautiful,” I said. “Oh, really?” she answered. “She doesn’t think she is. Her father and I made it a point to never tell her she was beautiful because we didn’t want her to become prideful.”

I was stunned.

I knew the young woman’s story. She had been homeschooled and had come from a very strict, rules oriented home. When she graduated from high school and got a job that didn’t revolve around the church or her home, she began to receive the kind of attention and affirmation that she had not received at home. She married a man her parents did not approve of and she now had a child. She was living under the cloud of her parent’s disapproval.

I know that the young woman’s parents were well meaning. I have known others with a similar parenting philosophy. But I left that conversation feeling very sad, and I resolved to not follow in her footsteps. My children were very young at the time and I couldn’t imagine NOT encouraging them in any way possible!

So, how can a parent encourage their children and keep them from becoming prideful?

1. It is not our job to “raise Godly children” or to “keep them from becoming prideful”. It is our calling to be:

authentic believers and live out the gospel in humility before our children.
to nurture, instruct, guide, love, build up, and pray for our children.
to share God’s Word and share the gospel with our children.

God is the only one who can work in a child’s heart and change him into a godly, humble person. His Spirit draws them, opens their eyes, and changes and matures them.

2. Children are born with a prideful, sinful, and self focused heart.

Ephesians 2:3 tells us that we are all “by nature children of wrath.”
Proverbs 22:15 tells us, “Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child.”
Psalm 51:5 states that we all come into the world as sinners: “Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me.”
Ephesians 2:2 says that all people who are not in Christ are “sons of disobedience.”
Genesis 8:21 declares, “…the intent of man’s heart is evil from his youth.”

3. We can help our kids learn how to deal with the pride that is already in their hearts by:

teaching them how to fight the fight we are all in, and letting them know that we as are all in this fight together.
making sure they know that we are coming along side them, will help equip them to be able to sift through all the messages that are out there and see things in the right perspective! GOD’S perspective!
helping them to see and sift through the lies of our culture that might cause them to stumble.

God has created every single aspect of our being to be used to bring Him glory. We are made in His image, which means we are a reflection of Him. That means who we are physically, mentally/emotionally, spiritually, and our gifts and abilities. All these things show us how good God is and they are gifts from him. They are also areas that can cause us to focus on Him if we see them correctly.

We can affirm our children because God has made them uniquely the way they are, and when we do that we are glorifying God for his good works.

I’m not talking about flattery or “building self-esteem”. I’m not talking about feeding the prideful desire for human praise. I am talking about praising the work that God has done and is doing in another person.

Praising people to the glory of God.

Back to the young woman. I wonder if she would have made different choices if she had been encouraged and affirmed as she was growing up. If she had learned how to handle the attention she would get outside of the four walls of her home and church, learned that she was created in the image of God, and that her beauty and abilities were a reflection of HIS image, maybe things would have been different. I don’t know. But ignoring the fact that she was beautiful didn’t make the fact that she was beautiful non-existent. All it did was make her feel like she wasn’t anything special and that she wasn’t attractive. Nothing was done to help equip her in how to use these characteristics to point others to God.

I can think of nothing better than refreshing my children and pointing them to God and His goodness, by expressing gratitude for how God has made them and what God is doing in them. It enables them to see God’s great work, but also helps them to see Him as the source.

I am looking for every opportunity I can to encourage my children, and others, in this way so that they are refreshed and God gets the glory He deserves

Tell them they are beautiful….inside and out!

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:14

Tell them so that they will know full well!

Dear First-Time Mom Who Just Wants to Feel Human Again

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Dear First-Time Mom:

So, you’ve just had your first baby – congratulations! What a miracle of God and blessing from above these little ones are. You have now entered a whole new category of wonder and awe – and coming right alongside this beauty of God’s creation is bafflement and fatigue and wondering if you will EVER get this balancing act figured out. Welcome to motherhood!

Maybe you’re realizing that being a mom isn’t quite what you had thought it might be.

Maybe you (like me) were determined that your baby would sleep through the night (and NOT in your bed), get on a schedule, never need a soother, and feed like a champ.

Or perhaps you thought you’d be able to get out the door without forgetting the diaper bag, or the soother/bottle, and make it home again without needing to change your clothes.

But it’s not quite coming together as you had planned. There are too many baby books out there, yet not one of them warns you of the true toll those sleepless nights take on your body. Or describes just how difficult learning to nurse a baby is (for mommy and babe!). Or warns you that you’ll be doing laundry around the clock (for the rest of your life!).

Questions fly around in your head and heart: “Is it ok to let them cry it out, or should I pick them up when they cry?” “Should I rock them to sleep or let them sort it out on their own?” “When should I start solids?” And on and on.

All this heavy stuff aside, suddenly you’re just standing there in a bewildered state wondering WHEN on earth you are going to get a shower in and feel human again?!

Then you turn and look at the moms you know who have more than 1 child, a clean AND organized house, laundry done and kids in a good routine. And you are embarrassed that you can’t get your act together. How do they do it?

Whatever their answer may be, this is what I want you to hear:

You are making a tremendous sacrifice in giving of yourself for the child that God has called you to mother.

Whether you shower or not, get dressed or not, clean the house or not, take a nap or not, make dinner or not – you may feel frustrated at the apparent lack of progress, but know that you are sowing life and faith – for you are raising the next generation of God-followers! Every little thing you do for that sweet bundle is life to him or her.

Your gift to your child is yourself, your time, your love, your prayers and your care. And as God gives grace and your experience as a mom grows, the struggles that seemed so insurmountable and time consuming suddenly dissipate. They will be replaced, of course, by struggles of a different variety, but know still that everything you do is planting and watering LIFE.

There is much to be said for the fact that you just showed up today, and what may seem mundane, really does matter. Don’t worry about getting up before the baby – you’ll get there! Wiping another runny nose, changing another dirty diaper, nursing through another fever, feeding around the clock through another growth spurt. You are to be commended! You are a fantastic mom!

So if you can’t see your way through the early-morning-feed-sleep-deprivation-my-house-is-a-disaster-and-I’m-the-only-one-home fog, take heart in knowing that we’ve all been there; we’ve all cried over and, by God’s grace, eventually conquered the same struggles.

You WILL get things sorted out. Enjoy these early days – they too shall pass, and all too quickly.

Motherhood is not in vain, and as you have done it to one of these least of these, so you have done it to Christ.

And those moms with more kids than you that seem to have it all together? They’ve had more years to practice, and have different struggles now to conquer, so stop comparing yourself to them.

Now go grab your husband, hand him the baby (awake or asleep), and get that shower in! It’s time to feel human again.

You are loved dear momma!

photo credit Shelley K Photography

Triple Threat For Raising Boys

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If someone had told me years ago that we would end up with five boys, I don’t think I would have believed them! Right now our boys are 19, 16, 15, 13 and 9 (we also have 3 girls). They are all unique with varying temperaments and personalities.

If you are reading this, there’s a good chance that you have been blessed with one or more of these amazing little or young men! I say amazing because I am constantly floored at how God has so obviously created them very different from women. In general, we don’t think the same or have the same responses as they do. They have an insatiable need to conquer, sometimes to the detriment of their own safety. For example: If a girl gets hurt doing an activity, usually she doesn’t do it again. If a boy gets hurt he tends to repeat the activity. The temptation is to think our boys are just dumb for doing this. The truth is they are trying to figure out a way to do this thing BETTER (without getting hurt) re-doing it until they CONQUER it! This is the stuff that makes history…new inventions, better ways of life, new worlds explored. It’s a gift, moms!

I’m not going to lie…that “gift” has put many gray hairs on my head and probably shortened my life by several years. Numerous trips to ER, near heart attacks (for me), adrenaline rushes, and sleepless nights. But the flip side is that I have come to appreciate and respect the God-given nature of men. I’ve learned a lot about how to embrace it and encourage our sons in the way that they are created.

Here are three things that I have learned (and have to remind myself) of what boys need. I used 3 “B’s” to make it easier:

BREVITY: Keep your words to a minimum. Boys aren’t generally good at taking in a lot of words and there are tons of studies out there to prove it. Somehow, we think if we say more, it becomes more meaningful, but the opposite is true: they tune us out. I remember last year, I was REALLY frustrated with all of our boys on the whole. I spent at least an hour telling my husband all about it. Afterward, he looked at me and very sweetly said that I use TOO many words! The more words I use, the less the boys respect me. Respect is crucial in keeping their hearts. Keep the conversations and confrontations simple and clean! Boys are pretty good at handling ‘blunt’. They often prefer it.

Which brings me to the next point:

BOUNDARIES: It is very important that our boys KNOW what the boundaries are. When I say it’s important, it means that, in general, boys will test the boundaries REPEATEDLY (there’s that conquering nature again) to be SURE that they are still in tact. There are days this feels like relentless torture as moms because, if we love our sons, we WILL hold that ground. (Proverbs 13:24, 23:13-15, 22:15, 29:17, 19:18) Truth is, most boys learn the quickest through painful consequences. Find out what their currency is and use it to motivate them (either by taking it away or rewarding with it) There ARE times I have realized that a boundary I am holding to isn’t a hill worth dying on after all. God has used the persistence of our sons to teach me better priorities. I have also learned when I am not enjoying our kids at least 80% of the time, it’s usually because I have failed to keep the boundaries clear and intact.

BLOW-OFF: Boys are generally high energy and if that energy is not fairly well-directed, they will pretty much dismantle the house, board by board. Using a routine that incorporates chores and physical activity (especially outside) is very helpful. Boys are amazingly capable. When they “conquer” new skills and we praise them for it, they are more responsive to us in general. When our boys become too ranbunctious I make them jump on the trampoline for 10 minutes, run around the outside of the house ten times, do push ups or give them a chore like weeding, shoveling snow, sweeping the deck, chopping wood, etc.

It can be challenging raising sons, but the investment you make into your boys’ manhood will come back to you many fold. As ours are approaching adulthood, I often find them being my greatest allies and defenders. They seem proud to call me “mom” and I pray that will always be true.

“The choices, loves, and beliefs of a boy’s mother craft his character. Mothers are a powerful presence in their sons lives. This knowledge shouldn’t frighten us; it should motivate us. Boys need more of their mothers in order to be greater men. And any mother who follows her maternal instincts, examines her own motivations, and does the best she can, will be a good mother. Boys don’t need perfection; they just need you there.” -Meg Meeker

10 Amazing Things That Happen When You Become a Mom

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Are you a weary, overwhelmed mom who needs encouragement? No matter what season of life you are in, being a mom can be wearing. It’s easy to lose your perspective amidst all the emotional and physical demands of motherhood.

My prayer is that God would regularly remind me and open my eyes to the bigger picture of motherhood…amidst all the hard parts. That I would focus more on how much it has added to my life, than on how hard it is. Here are some things that God has reminded me about what it really means to be a mom!

10 Amazing Things That Happen When You Become a Mom

1. You are never lonely. Enough said!

2. You gain a very important life role. You are given the privilege of helping to shape a generation. You are handed an opportunity to break unhealthy patterns that may have been present in your own childhood, and to help your children become capable, loving, individuals whom God will use .

3. You enter into an amazing, full-on sensory experience. There’s nothing like the feel and smell of a newborn, like the sound of an infant learning to laugh, or hearing your toddler sing at the top of his lungs. Nothing compares to the feeling when your little one fall asleep in your arms. As they get older, to be able to hear them express their own thoughts, and looking up to them when they have grown taller than you, or and when they wrap their adult arms around you and tell you they love you. There just NOTHING like it!

4. You have added motivation to take care of YOU. Having children gives you new motivation to take care of yourself physically, spiritually, and mentally. You do it because your children need you to and you want to be the best mom you can be. The result is that you feel better, and you have made the giant leap into to the reality that there is a purpose in life that is much bigger than you!

5. You experience a love you didn’t know existed. How do you describe how big the love is that a parent has for their children? How it saturates every single ounce of who you are. And then, if you have more than one child, the love is heaped right on top of that already overwhelming love that you didn’t know existed. It grows and it is what makes you a family!

6. As your children grow, you have even more to thank God for. When you see your child learning new things, it really does feel like they are the only children in the world who have reached those milestones. They learn to read, share, love, and serve. They grow into their giftings. And you stand back amazed at these little people and thank God for who they are!

7. You have built-in teachers. I have a degree in Bible, have taken a few seminary courses, and have homeschooled two children, but being a parent has taught me more than any course I have ever taken or taught. I have learned what Biblical discipline is and how it is best applied, have had the opportunity to pray for the fruit of the spirit in my life 24/7, and have had the opportunity to read the Bible out loud to little ears, over and over again. I have learned new things such as, the names of all the different kinds of rocks, the names of all the little weeds/flowers, how to play the game of soccer, and how cool it is to pick up random signs off the side of the road and fit them the bedroom decor (is that even legal?!).

8. You get to be a kid again. Think about it! You can relive (or even experience for the first time!) all the wonderful childhood experiences. You can watch your favorite cartoons, play games, play on the swings and monkey-bars, splash in puddles, and read aloud all your favorite childhood books! Oh…and don’t forget Disneyland!

9. You have more to laugh about. Kids are funny, especially when they are YOUR kids! No matter what age they are, there’s just something about the things that they do and say that can make you laugh like no one else can!

10. You learn to see life through another person’s eyes. Being a parent allows you to experience life on a richer, fuller level. As you see things through another person’s eyes, you gain fresh perspective. Children tend to live life to it’s fullest because everything is new to them. Our perspective on life changes from the moment we see that pea sized human being on an ultrasound, and continues to change as they grow into the amazing adults God turns them into.

Being a mom is an amazing privilege. A journey like no other. Won’t you join me in:

Make your own list of “Amazing Things That Happen When You Become a Mom”.
Take time to pray through the list several times a week, thanking God for the amazingness of motherhood.
Once a day verbalize to your children at least one thing that you love about being their mom!

“I will sing to the LORD,

because he has dealt bountifully with me.”

Psalm 13:6

For more mom encouragement, go HERE!

Heidi St. John

Speaking the Truth in Love