If you have teenagers or have raised them, you know that it can be a very eye opening season of life. We have raised three teens and currently have 3 (almost 4) in the house right now, so needless to say, we have learned a lot AND we keep learning because each one is different.

One of the main things we have learned is not to assume that we know what our kids are thinking or how they view things because this can change with maturity,hormones, and sometimes just a bad day.

It’s important to remember that as our teens are preparing to spread their wings and fly on their own, more than likely their agendas and ideas WILL collide with ours. This can invoke fear in the hearts of parents as our kids question the status quo and learn to think for themselves. It’s really what we want, but the process can be painful.

One of the best ways to keep from freaking out under these circumstances is to stop and consider how our teens are thinking and feeling about life in general. I have to remind myself what it was like to be a teen. I certainly don’t remember it being the best time in my life. I was unsure of who I was, what others thought of me, where my life might lead and whether or not I would be “successful”. That’s a frightening and intimidating place to be.

I individually pulled aside our 3 teen boys who are 17, 16 and 14 and asked them all the same six questions. Of course, none of their answers were exactly the same. I thought I would share them with you, because, quite frankly, I always learn something new about my kids and where they are when I ask questions and give them a safe environment to answer. So here they are:

1. How do you think adults see teens in general?

“As young adults who just need more experience”
“Rebellious”
“It varies. Sometimes as immature but also as lucky because they don’thae as many worries.
Maybe even spoiled.”

2. Do you think they see YOU differently than other teens?

“I don’t know.”
“Yes, because I’m not rebellious…well, for the most part.”
“I haven’t thought much about it.”

3. How do you want them to to see you?

“I want them to respect me as a responsible young adult.”
“I want them to see me as a man.”
“A fun guy to hang out with and be around.”

4. What is the most challenging for you at this age?

“Not knowing what the future holds for me. Being frustrated because I don’t know where I’m going yet.
“School sometimes stresses me out because I’m afraid I won’t get through high school if I don’t do well on whatever I’m working on.”
(He’s in 8th grade)
“Not getting distracted while doing my schoolwork, even though I am a focused person.”

5. What could you tell adults that might surprise them?

“That when we challenge adults we actually really are trying to challenge ourselves to be
more grown up. We sometimes mistakenly feel like we shouldn’t be disciplined. Our questions aren’t usually meant to be disrespectful. We are trying to think for ourselves.”
“I forget a lot” (As his mom, I can tell you that I am painfully aware of this)
“There’s more temptation now days to get caught up in screen time and there’s more bad stuff out there that people seem to think is ok to show.”

6. What is the most encouraging things adults can do for you or say to you?

“I like when they tell me I’m doing a good job or compliment me on the things I do, like work”
“Playing basketball with me…oh wait, nevermind, that would just be fun. Okay, answer our questions without getting impatient”
“Any kind of encouragement. Compliment how I’m doing in school. Anytime I’ve done anything well, I like to be told.”

Have you thought about asking your teens some of these questions? Maybe you have some of your own? You may find out you know them better than you thought or that maybe you don’t! My guess is that it will be a little bit of both.

I encourage you to reach out to your teens and let them talk! Just the fact that we want to hear what they have to say makes them feel valuable and kids who feel valued, feel loved.

From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a mommy.  I studied moms and how they mothered their children.  I thought about how wonderful it would be to care for and nurture those sweet, chubby faced little cherubs.  What’s not to love?  And I was pretty sure MY kids would love and appreciate me…pretty much ALL the time.

Cue in screaming baby, uncooperative toddler, indifferent grade schooler, defiant teenager.  It doesn’t seem to matter what phase of child raising we are in, if we are doing our job well, we are doomed to the role of the “bad lady”.

The “bad lady” doles out consequences as needed in order to allow her children to learn valuable lessons that prepare them for real life.  Sometimes that requires action, sometimes it requires doing nothing and letting natural consequences teach the lesson.  She has rules and boundaries and does not take kindly to the crossing of those.  She knows that it’s better in the long run for her child to learn these things early on rather than being smacked down harder by them as an adult.  She also knows that as much as she wants to be her children’s best friend, it’s far more important for her to be their mother. I don’t care how you dice it, parenting is hard.  We love our kids, we want what’s best for them and unfortunately,  that often means we have to make decisions that are not appreciated.

No one likes to be the “bad lady”.  It’s not fun.  Not even close.  In fact it really rots sometimes. Somehow we feel like we are the only ones who are feeling this way, but  I guarantee you that there are plenty of other moms out there who feel like the “bad lady” more often than not.  You are not alone.

Just the other day, I reminded our 14 year old (and myself) that I am not his peer (so he was not allowed to speak to me like one), I am not even necessarily his friend.  I am his mom.  Before you criticize this saying they do not have to be mutually exclusive, I agree – sort of. There is an age where the relationships turns into that of friends, but a friend doesn’t have authority over another and when I’m raising my children, I do.  I can be a mom who listens and encourages and entertains, but at the end of the day, I’m still a mom.

I’ve had eight children. Two are married with babies of their own.  One is in college.  And you know what?  They are my biggest supporters now when it comes to not letting up on the younger five who are still at home.  So believe me when I tell you it’s worth it.  Our kids will be adults far longer than they will be children, so seize the moment and wear the badge of the “bad lady” proudly!  They probably won’t appreciate it now, but they’ll thank you later!

Teens. I have 3 of them. Three male teens to be exact. Living with teen boys has proven itself to be an exciting and exhausting endeavor.

For one, they’re a lot of fun! I often share their antics on social media with the hashtag #3teenslater because you never know what might happen. From spontaneous engine tinkering, to pranks gone wrong, to emptying a fridge of all food options in 30 minutes or less – they’re busy! Just as busy as toddlers.

I know that may be hard for young moms to believe, but it’s true. They don’t slow down, they just get bigger!

When my teens were young, I used to think things would get easier. No more changing diapers, no more chopping food into itty-bitty pieces. And that’s true, in some ways things do get easier. Yet different challenges take their place.

Personally, the biggest challenge I’ve had in raising teen boys is learning to let go while still maintaining authority. I think this is especially true with boys.

God created boys to be leaders. Heads of their households. Providers for the family. They often have a natural inclination to arrange, order, and trail blaze. There’s nothing wrong with that. That spirit is a God-given gift of leadership.

We don’t want to extinguish the flame.

However we’re the parents and and they still need to obey. So how do we all survive the dichotomy of subdued leadership? What does that look like? How do we walk that line? Honestly, it will look different for every family. I can only tell you what has worked for us.

My husband and I made the conscious decision to pick our battles (as best we could) and give our boys plenty of decision making experience. They needed to learn to make good decisions, in a safe environment (home), before we could expect them to make good decisions in a volatile environment (free society). We began young, and slowly expanded decision making opportunities as they grew in maturity.

It started with little things, like letting them pick what movie they wanted to watch. (Hint: save yourself some sanity and only give a toddler two or three items to pick from to start.)

As I said, we picked our battles. For the teens, there were decisions they could make…and decisions they couldn’t.

TEEN’S DECISIONS

What to wear (within reason, nothing vulgar, immodest, etc.)
How to spend their free time (that’s why it’s called free time)
The order in which they did chores/school work
How clean (or not) to keep their room

PARENT’S DECISIONS

Curfew/bedtime
The appropriateness of their entertainment choices (books, games, movies)
What chores/school work was expected
The time of day/week the chores/school work need to be completed

This is, of course, not an exhaustive list. Just something to give you an idea of how we work. You can see, we as parents have control of the main decision (curfew/bedtime) but we give our children freedom to make many smaller decisions within those parameters (what to do before bedtime).

Now all that makes everything sound so sweet, and easy, and balanced, doesn’t it? Ha! I will tell you with 100% honesty and openness from one parent to another, we doubted ourselves. We reevaluated and readjusted the parameters as needed.

We took also took away the right to make decisions if a teen repeatedly made bad decisions.

Didn’t get their chores finished? Wouldn’t wake up on time? You better believe we took away freedoms. We tried to do it with kindness, explaining that they weren’t demonstrating maturity or respect, and they would get the freedom back when they demonstrated an increase in maturity or respect.

But teen boys can be headstrong and stiff backed and honestly, we had plenty of heated moments. Even some really ugly moments.

And that’s where love and grace come in to play. We can have all the rules, guidelines and stipulations we want, however they won’t yield a harvest if we fail to love our children. Right. Where. They. Are. Even when they’re standing right in front of us, rolling their eyes. We must love them right where they are.

If our children know we love them, 100% without a doubt, they trust us. They trust our authority over their lives. They are more likely to respect our decisions and rules.

Why do you trust the Lord with your life? Part of the reason I trust Him is because I know (that I know that I know) that He loves me and wants what is best for me. Our relationship with the Father is the perfect example for us to follow with our children. He gave us the Bible – full of rules, guidelines…and love.

Let’s make sure our teens get the same.

~ Cheryl