Tag Archives: woman to woman

Confession: I Have a Comparison Problem

I have a problem with making comparisons. Sometimes making comparisons can be a good thing, like when one is comparing prices when shopping in order to get the best deal. There are other times when it’s a very bad thing! For example, it’s a bad idea to compare your husband or children to someone else’s. That does not usually turn out well! In those situations, comparisons simply serve to make us feel “less than” someone else, feel sorry for ourselves, and make us look at our circumstances and choose to be unhappy.

I was talking with another mom recently, and she shared that her husband was very unhappy with their teenage daughter. The daughter is very bright, but she just doesn’t apply herself to her school work. She’s also not very motivated when it comes to helping around the house or in the yard. She’s a talented musician, a very creative writer, and a sweet girl who is always polite and kind to others, yet her father isn’t happy with her because he sees other young women her age who make straight A’s and help in the house or yard without being asked. Instead of being thankful for his daughter and the gifts and talents she possesses, he sees what she doesn’t possess.

As I was listening to this mom tell me about her sadness because her husband is so displeased with their daughter, I realized that I often do the same thing! Instead of being thankful for my children and their own unique personalities and talents, I often find myself wishing they were different in one way or another.

For example, my 18-year-old son does not enjoy his school work and really isn’t terribly motivated to make good grades (except that, because we homeschool, he has to redo assignments until I’m satisfied with his work). Over the years, I’ve wished many times that he would do his school work cheerfully and that he might even be able to enjoy it to some degree. Guess what? He’ll graduate from our homeschool next year, and he still doesn’t enjoy doing school. And he still doesn’t really care a whole lot about making good grades—except to keep from doing assignments over again.

But I’ve begun to realize that, although school may never be something he enjoys, I can be proud of him for the other talents he possesses. For example, he’s extremely smart and creative. From the time he was a little guy, about 2 or 3 years old, he could tell you nearly anything you wanted to know about any dinosaur that ever existed. And he could take blocks or Legos and create quite a complicated habitat for his toy dinosaurs.

As he’s gotten older, he’s branched out into building wonderful Lego ships and elaborate space stations. He’s also quite talented at strategy games (both board games and video games). So, while I admit that I would have loved to see him take pride in his school work and be motivated to make good grades, he is definitely talented in other areas and in other ways, and I’m thankful for that.

Isn’t it a good thing God doesn’t decide how much He loves us based on our achievements and talents or any other criteria? He loves my children and me simply because He made each of us! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we were that way? If we could (or would) simply stop worrying about what our children (or we ourselves) don’t have and be thankful for what we do have? If we would stop comparing our husbands or children or houses or cars to others and be grateful instead?

God loves each one of us unconditionally! He loves each one of us simply because He made us! If we never make good grades or go to college. If we never have a job with a fancy title or earn a degree with lots of letters behind it. If we never bring thousands of people to salvation. If we are simply His children living quiet lives of service to Him, that’s enough. If we’re never well-known. If we never make a lot of money. If we simply remain faithful to our husbands and take care of our children and teach them to love Him, it’s enough.

So next time you feel discouraged, remember that God loves you. The next time you feel worthless, remember that you have worth simply because God created you! The next time you wonder if God loves you, remember that He loves you simply because you belong to Him. The next time you wonder if what you’re doing really matters, remember that it does because He gave you your job as wife and mother. And that is enough.

Beauty for the Tired Soul

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I am tired. Anyone else tired?

Matthew 11:28 says, “I will give you rest.” I take hold of that verse and cling to the promise of it. This world can be hard and tiresome. There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed, but the dog is barking to be let out and the kids are fighting over the remote or expressing their hunger to me. All I want is to crawl under the covers and imagine being alone with only me to take care of, meaning, if I wanted to go back to sleep, I could! Then as I am in my pity party of one, I imagine my life with out my daughters and the emotion of an aching heart overwhelms me. I would miss their kisses and hugs and their “I love yous.”

I might want to go back to sleep to feel more rested, but I am needed. I am loved. That is enough for me to crawl out of bed, let the dog out, break up a fight and get breakfast started. I believe that one day I will get my rest, but for now in the midst of motherhood, rest isn’t part of the equation. I can’t stop and dwell on all the house work that needs to get done, the dog that needs bathed, the beds that need made, the toys that need to be put away, the toilets that need cleaning, the dishes that need to be washed or the endless amount of laundry that can’t fold itself. I can’t focus on the fact that I am a “single” mom or how hard life is for me at times. If I dwell on the work that needs to be done or my state of singleness, I get tired. And when I get tired I lose what I should be focusing on – Jesus – the very source from which my restfulness comes.

As I run towards the cross of Jesus I am reminded of His love for me. The Bible is full of encouraging truths from God that are meant to lift our spirits and guide us when we are absolutely “tired.” Our rest can be found in the grace that God showed us at the cross. Sometimes physically, sometimes emotionally… or both, but just knowing what he has done gives me the desire to show that same love without boundaries to my children and others around me.

“My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation. He is my fortress I will never be-shaken.” (Psalms 62:1-2)

Just reading that verse boosts my spirit and opens my eyes a little wider to the peace promised to me through the cross.

So I encourage you in your busy schedules and unclean homes to take to heart the promise that rest is not found in the amount of sleep you get or how many vacations we take. Rest is found in our Creator. It sounds easier said than done, I agree. However, if we try and make it a focus point in our lives then it will turn into a habit of always seeking our peace and rest from the Lord in whom we put our trust.

“You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” (Isaiah 26:3)

I will keep praying for peace and rest for all of us who feel tired and unmotivated to crawl out of bed. I pray we hold tight to the truth of God found in his word and I pray that together we can encourage and love on those who need to be lifted up in spirit. We are not called to walk this journey alone, thank goodness for that. So get up with a smile on your face, you are needed and loved.

From my heart to yours,

Hilary

The Mommy Wars: Childbirth Edition (Three Myths About Childbirth that Need to Go Away)

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Women love to exchange birth stories. There’s something wonderful about sharing our birth experiences with each other. We need to know that someone else knows what we just went through. We need to share the mystery and even the drama that unfolded during birth. It’s all part of the process, this story-telling. It’s part of what helps us connect.

When I was in my twenties, I was fascinated with pregnancy. I became certified to teach childbirth classes and even wrote my own curriculum to teach them. I loved the helping first-time moms get some sort of idea about what they would experience during labor and delivery—but honestly? You can’t ever be totally ready for all that a birth will bring.

Babies come when they want to, how they want to. Something has surprised me about childbirth though. It seems to have become some sort of competition. We’ve moved beyond comparing stories about our births to making blanket statements about how birth should be.

It’s time we stopped doing that. Continue reading →

I’m Sure She Meant Well

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I often hear from moms who need some reassurance that their lives are going to go back to “normal” after having a baby.

Honestly? I’m not sure our lives ever return to “normal” after we have babies. It’s been nearly 23 years since my first introduction to sleep deprived living. “Normal” is still nowhere in sight. I forget things. I’m often tired.

I have to write things down on my TO DO list like “drink water.” Seriously.

If you’ve been reading my blog for very long, you know I’ve had a tough season. Last October, I said “thanks and goodbye” to my uterus. The following spring, another surgery followed. Some things just happen. You veer off course. Sometimes, you just have to roll with it, right? When you’re physically, emotionally or spiritually depleted, the word “margin” takes on new meaning. I find I’m grouchy and distracted when I don’t have enough margin in my life.

Take last week, for example.

It was supposed to be a quick trip to the store when my nearly four year old announced she had to go to the bathroom. I don’t know what it is about public restrooms that seem to draw my children in—but I believe store and restaurant bathrooms are at the top of their “must see” lists. It can never be a quick trip, either. Hey. I don’t want to be the mom who other moms overhear in a bathroom stall saying, “You better not be wanting to go poop right now!” (… yeah. That wasn’t me.)

We left the bathroom a little less put-together than when we went in, only to discover that the other two kids had decided it would be a good time to beg me for a “movie night,” thereby setting into motion the age-old “mommy guilt” complex that many of us take on too easily. It might go hand-in-hand with the weary “you must be kidding me right now” look.

“Movies are for Friday nights,” I said wearily. “It’s Tuesday.”

“But Mooooooommmmmm! You promised!” Really? Maybe I did—in a moment of weakness. I couldn’t remember though. I can never be sure, since they always get me on stuff like that. I was standing my ground, though, talking about our fall bedtime routine and schoolwork that needed to be finished when I noticed a woman was watching me from an aisle over.

Great. Now I’m a bad mom and I have an audience.

She smiled and I’m sure she meant well, but I was about to go all sorts of crazy when she said, “Savor this time” before ducking into the organic food aisle. Really, lady?

I almost cried as I put a bag of celery in my cart. I just needed a nap. Maybe a nap would fix it.

I’m sure she meant well—but honestly? She looked like she was caught up on her sleep. I didn’t notice green smoothie stains on her shirt. She seem to have showered recently.

I’ve been a mom for about 24 years now. With two grown daughters, I have experienced how fast the time goes. But that’s not always the point. Moms need a little grace. I think most moms are desperately trying to hang on to this season but there is a very real element of simply “surviving” it, too.

Yes. I want to savor every little moment. Like you, I imagine, I don’t want to be the mom who “just survived.”

So busy mom, when people like me or some random lady in the grocery store tell you to savor each moment you have with your kids, take it in stride. Yes, do savor it! But be ready for those not-so-savory moments. They don’t mean you’re a bad mother.

Mothering has its ups and downs. The trick, I think, is to keep your eyes on what you’re doing: you’re raising the next generation. Bottom line? You’re pouring out your life in this season so that your grandchildren will have good parents in the next.

While we do this work, let’s remember that some day, we’ll be in a different season. Hopefully, we’ll give grace to the tired mom we see with green smoothie stains on her shirt and instead of offering her advice, we’ll say a little prayer for her. Goodness knows she’ll probably appreciate the quiet prayer more than the advice.
Carry on, brave mother!

Are You A Gracious Friend?

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DRAMA! Who needs it? It can be self perpetuating and so hard to pull ourselves away from. Sometimes it’s our drama, sometimes it’s other people’s. It needs to be said: we moms can be the most guilty. Maybe it’s the mother bear in us that seems to make itself clearly present once we have given birth or experienced even a short stint in the season of motherhood? It can be tempting to think that we have it all figured out and sometimes we are insecure and somehow feel threatened by someone else’s choices.

I look back at how I have hurt other moms along the way and I cringe. WHAT was I thinking? It usually wasn’t intentional, but damaging just the same. So many painful lessons learned about what NOT to do.

I have also had friends stand by me in ways I never thought possible and give me an example to follow that showed me what TO DO. I try to be that to others.

As women, we have an amazing ability to bring encouragement, hope and strength for the journey to each other, but it requires being intentional in our friendships, keeping grace in the forefront of our thoughts and actions. Here are some ways that we can do that:

*Try to only do and say what is helpful and builds each other up. Ephesians 4:29 says, “No foul language is to come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear.” It’s like a breath of fresh air.

*Accept the fact that each family is going to do things differently. We cannot be criticizing each other for the choices we make as a wife and mom, but instead humbly embracing and appreciating our differences. It’s really easy to give unsolicited advice or to criticize because another mom has made different decisions than we would, but it’s rarely helpful.

*I hesitate to even mention this because we all naturally tend to speak too quickly (please tell me I’m not the only one!): Sometimes God does use us to help and provide counsel to others, but we we need to not be hasty in doing so. If we are truly concerned and cannot seem to get something off of our minds, we need to PRAY for our friend. WAIT and see what God does. And, after that, if we still believe strongly that we should talk about it with her, approach the conversation prayerfully, humbly and choose our words very carefully. SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE, truly desiring the best for our friend.

*Don’t be afraid to apologize. We all mess up, we make mistakes in relationships and sometimes they are doozies. I am so thankful that my friends have chosen to forgive me when I have shown poor judgment, and I try bear those moments in mind when others need my forgiveness.

We have all had people in our lives who, quite honestly, suck the life out of us. As wives and moms, we need to keep our relationships square with our priorities. We need to be good stewards of our energy by praying for wisdom in our friendships. If we invest well, we will reap the incredible results of godly friendships: friends that will walk with us through the joys and trials of life, who will be the eyes, ears, hands, feet and mouth of Jesus to us and we, to them.

Are you a good friend?

Read more about Durenda in her Author Box below!

Do Moms Need Girlfriend Time?

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We wear many hats. We are wife, mother, sister, daughter, daughter of God, homemaker, maybe homeschooler, maybe even business woman, too. Of course we need to spend intentional time with our husband, our kids, on our house, for our business, and most definitely with God. We’re cutting up that Time Pie pretty quickly aren’t we?

But do moms need Girlfriend Time, too?

I’m going to give a big, honkin’, YES!

Remember when you were young, a gaggle of girls getting together giggling and guffawing the time away? Sleepovers were the best–staying up way too late having the best fun. Laughter is good medicine, and sharing laughter is where friendships are born, and sharing hearts after the laughter is spent is where friendships are cemented.

We need that.

I’m not saying we need that every day, and I’m certainly not saying it’s more important than Family Time or God Time. But we definitely need Friend Time, too.

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Proverbs 17:22 (ESV)

More than that, we need good friendships with with women we can call sisters in Christ – women who are older and wiser than us, women who are younger and looking up to us, women who above all else seek to honor God with their lives.

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17 <– (Or in our case, “woman.”)

Thanks to technology, our great big world is also amazingly small. I can have and make friends all over the world. I can write them, call them, text with them, chat or video chat with them, email them, comment on their blogs, connect with them through Facebook or Twitter, and all sorts of wonderful things.

I have friends who I used to know well but who now live far away and I have really good friends who I have never even met.

I have friends who homeschool and those who don’t, friends from all walks of faith, friends who are single and married, friends from varying backgrounds and political stances – so much diversity.

Friendship is a good thing. But while we “stay connected” to our large circle of friends, let’s make sure that we make time to intentionally connect with that smaller circle of Christian sisters on a regular basis.

Yes, we can text and online chat, visit at church and talk on the phone – that all counts. But it isn’t nearly as good as the real thing, right? Hang out for an afternoon while the kids play in the backyard, sneak out once a month to go for coffee – something. It will vary depending on your circumstances. And while you’re together, share, love, laugh, encourage, and enjoy. A good time with a good friend is a refreshing boost wrapped up in a smile.

And let’s face it… while we’re in the trenches of motherhood, we need a refreshing boost every now and then, don’t we? We need moms who have gone before or who are in the trenches with us to say, “Yes! I get you!! Hang in there, we can do this!”

Recently, I had the opportunity to attend a conference with a friend. The conference was wonderful. The fellowship we had on the drive down and overnight was just as wonderful. That’s not something we can do very often, but we can seek little ways to get fellowship with our friends in smaller doses more frequently. We should.

Because friend, I know motherhood is hard. It’s hard and wonderful and challenging and amazing and exhausting in more ways that one. But you know what? I get you! Hang in there. You can do this!

So what do you think?
Do you think moms need Girlfriend Time, too?

Background Image Source: Teacup Coffee Flower by Elizabeth Lindhag

Finding Rest Through Surrender

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Are you struggling and in need of rest? As mothers, we spend our lives taking care of others. So how do we find refreshment and rest for our own bodies and our own souls?

In Matthew, Jesus said,

Matthew 11:29

New International Version (NIV)

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

I’ve been thinking about what that means during this season of recovering from surgery and walking through some difficult changes in my life. It’s caused me to stop and think about whether or not I’ve taken His yoke, or if I’m wearing a yoke of my own design. One thing’s for sure: when I wear a yoke of my choosing, it’s not a “easy” or “light.” It’s burdensome and heavy.

God wants His children to learn to conform to His heart for them. He wants to carry our burdens with us. More often than not, I’m discovering that whenever I struggle under the weight of a trial in my life it’s because I’ve been unwilling or unable to surrender to the season of life that the Lord has me in.

In the verse above, we can see that Jesus extends an invitation to rest—and He gives three things we must do in order to find that rest from burdens we carry:

Come to Me: God wants us to come to Him first, before we do anything. Before we take on a project or say “yes” to another weekly activity. He wants us to come to Him.

Take My Yoke: Don’t take God’s good idea for someone else’s family on yourself. Jesus taught us that that His yoke is designed just.for.you; for your soul alone.

Learn from Me: I think Jesus’ gentle reminder here was intended to keep us from relying on the teachings men rather than getting into God’s Word and seeking after Him personally. As we have seen over and over, people fail. But God doesn’t. His heart is that we would seek Him first.

So why do we still struggle, even after we’ve come to Christ? Here’s the key: Jesus said in John 15:4,

“Remain in Me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in Me.”

It’s the abiding that gets us most of the time, isn’t it? Surrendering and laying down our will for His is something we must do. It’s an act of the will. When we choose to remain in Him, we find rest. Rest is found in remaining in Christ when things get tough. This doesn’t mean thing will be easy—but I’m here to bear witness to God’s unfailing mercy and the peace He gives that really does “pass all understanding.”

If you’re struggling to find a way to surrender to the Lord today, remember that He’s waiting for you. The God of the Universe is waiting—just for you. We are loved by our Creator!

Surrender is a daily thing. Ask the Lord to help you abide in Him today, busy mom. Ask Him to help you learn what surrender looks like. He wants to carry your burden with you.

Stay surrendered and find rest,

Listen to today’s devotional here:

Order Heidi’s book on time management surrendering your days here

Heidi St. John

Speaking the Truth in Love