Tag Archives: anxiety and depression

No One Told Me It Could Be So Hard: 3 Things Every Struggling Mom Needs to Know

Blog_So Hard

 

I love my kids. Our seven children range in age from 3 to 22 at the moment. Our oldest daughter and her husband have a beautiful little boy. That makes me *gasp* “Mamsi.” Our youngest daughter is an “aunt” at the age of three. I love that too. Sometimes I look at my children and I cannot believe how fast the years go by—but there are days when I have struggled to appreciate the gift I’ve been given.

Last week, I saw a blog post go by on my Facebook feed from a girl (to call her a woman would be going too far) about why she thinks it’s selfish to have kids. I didn’t visit her blog—since she was obviously writing to boost her blog stats. Such ridiculous dribble. Nope. Not gonna read it.

Not a day later, I received an email from a mom who felt like she was failing. She had met yet another “quiverfull” mom at a homeschool event. I don’t know why we insist on all these labels.  From the outside, the family appeared to be the perfect family. Every little girl in dresses; every little boy the perfect … well, little boy. Now, I’ve met dozens of families with dozens of kids over the years. Some of them are my very dear friends. In fact, I believe the family probably didn’t intend to make this mom feel guilty about her own family, but in the end, that’s what happened.

It’s easy for things to look perfect from the outside. We “pin” perfection. Imperfection doesn’t go over so well. I wish we’d all stop trying to appear perfect. It’s not helping anyone. Not really. Motherhood is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. More demanding for sure. No one told me it was going to be so hard.

When our kids were little and we were in the throes of having them, not one person told me that the real work of mothering goes on long after the potty training and driver’s ed ends. That’s when the real work begins.

I’m going to be brutally honest about the cost of being a mom, because I think it’s time someone was honest. There is a cost. If we’re going to encourage each other at all, we must talk about the hard parts. Parenting is seasonal; each season has it’s ups and downs.

When our kids were all little, parenting was challenging—and the challenge was just to stay alive. It was a marathon of on-the-job training. Stay on top of the laundry, the dishes, the discipline, the mess. My husband and I were challenged to find time to nurture our marriage. We were challenged by the enormous responsibility of shaping little hearts and minds. It was daunting; but it was do-able. It was an exhausting season but a joyful one.

New babies grew to toddlers. Toddlers turned to bright-eyed tweens. More babies. More challenges. I’d love to say I did it perfectly. I didn’t.

As the kids grew, I grew. I grew as a mother. Mostly, I grew from making mistakes. There was the time I yelled at my 15 year old during a teen get together she was hosting at our house. Yeah. That was embarrassing. There was the time I mistook one culprit for another and disciplined the wrong child. Bummer. I apologized. We moved on. We grew again.

As the years passed, the challenge became holding my tongue. It became a call to prayer. I began to learn how to surrender things I could not control with a swat on the bottom or a time out.

As a nearly 44 yr old mother, I see things differently than I did twenty years ago. Honestly, I see a lot of things differently.

I have a little circle of friends I call when I’m stuck. These are women who have been parenting a long time. A few of them have large families like mine. A few don’t. One thing we’re all discovering as we grow into the “older moms”—it’s a marathon. It’s not for sissies. There are three things that I especially wish someone would have told me when my husband and I were in the midst of having children. I hope they’ll encourage you if you’re struggling to appreciate the precious responsibility you have been given in shaping your children.

Labels will mess with you—and they’ll set you up for failure.

Call it what you will: “quiverful” “homeschooling” “patriarchal” … whatever. As soon as you identify with yourself as part of a movement, you’re in for trouble. When I was in my early twenties, we got invited to a parenting class. Eventually, that parenting class gave birth to an entire generation of parents who judged and yard-sticked each other’s every move.

Our kids were held up as examples. The pressure was enormous. Boy how I wish I would’ve avoided that like the plague.The problem with labels is that they’re just another name for formulaic parenting. You know what I’ve learned? There is no formula.

As soon as we believe we’ve found the holy grail of parenting, we fall into the trap that pride has laid for us. Doesn’t matter how clever the disguise. And by the way: the labels are usually passed off “biblical teaching,” too. That’s sad.

We’re all unique. We were not created to be the same or parent the same. We’re different! Be careful not to let someone else define what your family should look like.
Grace, busy mom. Grace

Mothering Is A Continual Surrender

This is a hard one. It’s especially hard as the kids get older and you still have younger ones to parent. You’ll get tired of saying the same thing over and over. You’ll likely get tired of kids arguing. You might wonder what you got yourself into from time to time. That’s okay.

I had to give myself permission to admit how hard motherhood can be. Honestly? Admitting it was the first step toward enjoying it! Somehow I had come to believe that my being tired and wanting to resign from time to time was failing. Turns out, it’s just part of the surrender. Just when I get through a rough patch with one child, another one enters their own rough patch.

Need to make it easier? Find a good friend and be honest about your ups and downs. Keep surrendering.

Your identity should not come from being a mom.

My hunch is that I’m going to take some criticism for this. I think this one is hard very young moms to grasp; but it’s so important! Many years ago, this truth was shared with me from another wise mother. She had raised her five girls and literally poured her life out to do it. When her last child left home, she was devastated. She battled depression and resentment. Her marriage suffered. Finally, at her husband’s request, she decided to do something that was just for her.She told me she wished she had done it years earlier. She began a small craft business and now, she’s enjoying a season of being a grandmother and an Etsy entrepreneur.

Her advice to me? “Do something to nurture your spirit while you nurture your children. Don’t wait until they’re grown.” .. and so, I began to write. Fifteen years ago I started writing a little column for our church newsletter. I loved it. It helped me think about something other than dishes and diapers. Eventually I wrote a book. Then another.

People sometimes ask me how I find time to write when I’m raising children. I don’t find time. I make it. Sometimes, it’s early in the morning. Sometimes it’s late. Truthfully? Writing is a joy for me. So I make time for it. Find your identity in being the woman God has created you to be. Part of your identity is found in motherhood. Where else is it found? What gifts has He given you? Do you like to organize? Teach? Sew? Write?

If you take time to nurture your spirit, even just a little, while your children are still growing, when they leave, you’ll find the transition will be easier.

Go easy on yourself, mom. Give yourself grace as you navigate the sometimes choppy waters of parenting. If you need to take a break, take a break. Pour some Cheerios for dinner and make a list of what you have to be thankful for. Write your dreams out—breathe deep.

Motherhood only lasts for a season. Some of us have longer seasons than others but in the end, motherhood is a journey worth taking.

Now excuse me. I hear hollering from the other room… I think the toddler is having an issue.

Where’s my cape? Bless her heart, my toddler is the only one of my seven kids who still thinks I wear one.

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Heidi St John Guide to Romance

Heidi St John Homeschooling Guide to Daylight

I’m Struggling {5 Practical Steps for Encouragement}

5 practical steps for encouragement at thebusymom.com

I have struggled with depression off and on for 8 years now. It used to be that I couldn’t say the word “depression” out loud. There was no word for what I was struggling with. And if I did think it, I didn’t speak it out loud. There have been many, many things I’ve learned through this thorn that God has allowed, but one of the biggest is that when you bring things into the light that were once in darkness, it loses just a little bit of the sting. I’ve learned that speaking our heartache out loud allows the building up of the Body.

Today, I want to share with you some of the practical ways God has given me hope and joy in the midst of the struggle. I have to let you know upfront that I do not believe that we can snap ourselves out of depression. I don’t share these things as a quick cure-all. I share these things to encourage you. As one who has been there, struggling day in and day out, I know it’s hard, often impossible to bring yourself to do one.more.thing let alone something that might be good for you when it seems that all you see is despair.

If I can encourage you with this thought: ask God for the strength to do ONE of these things today. And tomorrow, you can choose another.

5 Practical Steps for Encouragement

  1. Talk. Share your heart and struggle with someone. Sweet friends, this is one of the hardest for me, so I’m starting with it.  When I am down or struggling, the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone. As an introvert, this is doubly hard for me. But, find someone you can trust, someone who you know to be an encourager in your life. {Along those same lines, you know who will bring you down. It’s ok to not spend lots of time with those folks! I promise!} You need a cheerleader in your life, someone who will speak truth into the darkness. Don’t suffer alone.
  2. Get out. This is another hard one for this introvert. 🙂 But, almost every single time I *forced* myself to go to church when it was the last place I wanted to be, I was so thankful that I had gone. God meets us in our lonely places, busy moms. Go out for coffee with a friend. Go to a movie. Go browse a used bookstore. Go to the Target dollar spot. Just get out. It’s nearly always good for us when we feel so isolated and discouraged to get out into the real world.
  3. Be healthy. Goodness, these all seem hard for me. 🙂 Take ONE step in the right direction toward a healthier lifestyle. You would be surprised by how much food and what we put INTO our bodies affects our emotions and our mind. Drink more water. Cut out the soda. Cut out sugar. The less grains I eat the better, for me personally. Get outside and go for a walk – even a short one!! Any of these *small* steps can make a HUGE difference!!
  4. God’s Word. None of us really *needs* the reminder to be in God’s Word. But when you are depressed, when you see no way out, a few minutes in God’s Word can give you that little glimpse of hope back!! The other thing that God’s Word does for us is show us that our Bible heroes struggled just like we do! Read 1 Psalm per day, see the heart of David {a man after God’s own heart} as he cried out in anguish, yet never gave up his hope in God. If you spend any amount of time in the book of Psalms, I guarantee your heart will be encouraged.
  5. Accept Help. Whew, I know I’m just throwing these impossible things out at you…I promise, once you try ONE of these practical helps, the rest will come easier. Be gentle and give yourself time. This one is pretty hard, too. For a long time I didn’t want anyone to know I was struggling, so no way would I have ever acknowledged that I needed help. By help, busy moms, I’m talking about letting someone watch your kids for the afternoon, let a friend bring you a meal, let your husband help with the housework, let your kids watch tv for the afternoon – I promise, they will be fine. There were times I could hardly get out of bed, and I praise the Lord that I am not in that place anymore. But, I know the desperate feeling. And, the Lord knows, too. He is faithful!! Sometimes He uses the people in our lives to bring us a spark of encouragement – allow them to do so! Be brave, call that friend and tell her that you just can’t do this on your own, ask if your kids can come over for a playdate. Let others in.

Busy moms, I know that when you are struggling, the last thing you want to do is one of the above. I’m asking you today to try. Today may not be successful. Get up again tomorrow and try again. Don’t give up on yourself and don’t give up on your walk with God. Cry out to Him – from your bed, from your floor, from your kitchen sink. He hears. He knows. He loves you dearly. Despite how lonely you may feel, you are not alone. Speak those words of truth to yourself. He is faithful.

If you’d like to read more about my struggle with depression, I’d love to have you visit my little spot on the web. Here are all my posts related to depression & encouragement for you

**Disclaimer: I am not in the medical profession. I cannot begin to tell you what is best for you, I only share these tips as an encouragement from one who has struggled herself. I have been on medication off and on for years…the Lord has used medication in my own life to bring me through some very hard times. But, that is not His plan for everyone. Prayerfully consider, with your family and doctor, what may be best in your situation. 

Heidi St John Guide to Daylight

Heidi St John Firmly Planted Family Devotional For All Ages

God Works Through Suffering

god_works_through_suffering

Hi moms..

Today I am going to talk to you about a difficult subject and I hope you can bear with me for a couple of minutes and open up your Bibles to the book of James

I want to talk about suffering today.

It’s been a difficult month, I won’t lie to you, for our family. We’ve had to walk through very difficult situations and some where we’ve watched our daughter walk through. Earlier this month, a new mom had given birth to her stillborn baby, and she was full term and it was right before our daughter Savannah gave birth to her baby, Noah. And right after Noah was born, about a week or so, another dear friend of ours lost their baby in labor, also.

It was a difficult thing to walk through with my daughter as she fought with the questions that we often fight with, like why them and not me? Why do bad things happen to good people?

And so, I’ve been thinking about suffering a lot and what the Bible has to say about suffering. And, what I think, as believers, we need to remember that God is working in the midst of pain; God is working.

It is the job of a Christian to look more like Jesus.

Open up your Bibles with me to James chapter 1. Starting in verse 2, we read of James’ point of view on trials and suffering. James has written this letter to teach Christians the practice of Christianity, to teach them what it means to walk with the living God.

And, James says if we have real faith, we will show it by acting like real Christians, no matter what it is that we are going through, even if it’s suffering, if we’re angry, if we feel like we’ve been wounded, or unjustly treated.

There is the heart of the Holy Spirit inside of us when we know Jesus.

Starting in verse two, in chapter 1, James says, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its works so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything. If any of you lack wisdom, he should ask of God who gives generously to all not finding fault, and it will be given to him, but when he asks, he must believe and not doubt because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.”

If you read earlier in the Bible in the book of Deuteronomy, 4:31, we read, “For the Lord your God is a merciful God; He will not abandon you.”

So, how do we respond when trials and temptations come our way?

Well, the first thing that we are learning to do as Christians is to be thankful, for we see this over and over again in the Bible.

Ask yourself, do I have a heart of faithfulness? Do I have a heart of thankfulness? Am I wallowing in self pity? Or am I allowing God to work through the midst of suffering that I find myself in?

We NEED to have a heart of thankfulness and a heart of faithfulness.

And, we need to believe that no matter what comes our way, that God is inherently good and He loves us, and that He is working THROUGH the pain that we are going through.

Satan WILL lie to you when you are suffering. He will say to you that other people are watching and that you have to put on a face, because people are watching. Which is true, because Hebrews says we are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, but, remember that God also understands your humanness, and when we believe “Oh I have to do it well,” that is performance based.

The other thing that we tend to fall into is the fact we want the approval of other people, and that is approval based.

Mom, hang on to the fact that God already approves of you. He loves you, He sees your suffering, and He knows that you want to serve Him.

And so, as you go through sorrow and temptation and suffering, trust the Lord for His goodness for you and that His mercies are anew every morning. And allow Him to fill you up.

I have a friend who used to say to me that if I lived in the future, that I would live with fear and anxiety, and if I lived in the past, I couldn’t have victory in the present.

The same thing is true when we are walking through suffering.

We cannot imagine, or take ourselves to a future place because it will take us to a place of fear and anxiety.

So, we need to learn to live in today.

TODAY is God’s gift to me and tomorrow (like the Bible says) has enough worries of its own.

So, learn to trust the Lord, today, busy mom. He cares about you; get alone with Him, allow Him to come in, lay down your sorrows at His feet and allow Him to work through the midst of the pain.

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Heidi St John Firmly Planted Family Devotional For All Ages