Category Archives: Parenting

Faith vs Formula

Good morning busy moms! You’ve made it to Wednesday! *Elmo says: “I’m proud of you!* 🙂 Today, I feel like the Little Engine that Could 🙂 Can you relate?

I’ve been thinking about something lately, and here’s the deal: I’m not gonna lie to you (I’m no good at it anyway.)

I know many wish that there was a formula for homeschooling or parenting that would produce the perfect result.

There isn’t.

There’s only faith.

I read yet another blog post yesterday from a young woman who grew up in a harsh environment and now blames her parents. 🙁 And I don’t know, maybe they were to blame.

But my hunch is that they were just two people who really did want to be the best parents they could be. My hunch is that that desire drew them into a formulaic style of parenting that was rigid and un-yeilding. Unfortunately, more often than not, it does not yield the desired “result”. It often produces rebellion and ends up tearing at the parent/child relationship instead of undergirding it.

Faith is harder than formula-it requires a daily surrendering of both my spirit and my will. It also forces me to look at my own weaknesses as a human being. When I hold those up to the light-well, let’s just say it gives me more grace for my children as I help them navigate the sometimes choppy waters of this world.

No great speaker or author is going to be able to give you ANY piece of advice that can replace the voice of the Spirit in your life. Listen for God’s voice today, busy mom.

And if you’re looking for a place to start, try the Bible.

Colossians 3:12 says, “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”

There may not be a formula-and that’s okay. We don’t need one, because we’ve got God’s word to guide and direct us.

Let’s pray for each other as we love our husbands and our children. Let’s pray that we might be kind, humble and gentle.

I’d say pray for patience too… but then I’d be signing up for a test of my patience so I’ll just leave that one “implied.”

But I will pray for JOY today. The kind that will help my children see how much I love them and how much I enJOY having them in our home.

I hope our kids remember that even though we didn’t get it all right, we sure loved them like crazy.

At the end of the day-it won’t be the bookwork or the math problems that will determine whether or not we get a passing grade on our parenting. It will be our relationships that determine what those end marks will be.

I choose joy.

all photos copyrighted by Sierra St. John

Behind Every Great Kid …

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You’re doing great, mom! Keep lovin’ your kids.

Short, precious, irreplaceable {The Teen Years}

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“You just WAIT until they are old enough to be really rebellious!”

These were some of the first words I heard from well-meaning folks twenty-two years ago, as I held my bright-eyed, strong-willed little girl in my arms.

I’ll admit: I wasn’t looking forward to those dreaded years, but comments like that didn’t help. I figured I had a few years to come up with a “plan of attack” though. And, thankfully, the first twelve years provided plenty of learning opportunities for my sweet husband and me. Mostly, they were opportunities to learn the best ways to love our kids.

Years ago, the Lord impressed a verse on my heart as I was sitting on our couch reading to our pre-teens. We were reading the story of George Mueller, who had served the Lord with a passion that ultimately brought many to Christ. I wondered what my teens would choose to do with their lives…and then, I saw this verse in an entirely new light:

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” ~Jeremiah 29:11

I had been reading this verse all my life but at that moment I saw it in a new light: God had a plan for EACH of my children. It wasn’t just for me—that promise was for them, too. It overshadowed the moments of angst we were having, and those all-too-common struggles for right relationship. I really saw each of my children as truly precious to the Lord. It made me very aware of my part in God’s plan, too, because as their mother, I was a big part of what God was doing in their lives at that point. As a mom, I am God’s divine choice to help Him as He prepares our children for the plans He has already made for them. My job was to nurture and guide them into God’s plan—to help them find their purpose.

Instead of dreading the teen years, I now look forward to them. Why? Because that when weary moms and dads get to see the first signs of buds that appear on the branches we have been tending to so carefully. It’s those final few years that we have our children under our care and supervision. The teen years provide opportunities for late-night conversations about the real stuff that life is made of.

The world says that when we have teens we should gradually give them more and more freedom: 13 yr olds are now being left to parent themselves, and 16 year-olds are often making life-altering decisions will little guidance from their parents.

But how different God’s view is of parenting! Consider what David had to say in Psalm 127:4:

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.

God says that our children are like arrows in the hands of a warrior! This is a great image for us to remember as we get ready to launch our arrows out into the world: rather than giving more and more freedom and imparting less instruction, we should be giving more instruction! Before an archer gets ready to launch his arrows, he carefully draws the bow and arrow into himself, carefully determining trajectory and keeping his eyes on the target.

Am I suggesting that we don’t give our teens a measure of freedom? No. Our job is to prepare them for adulthood. They will need freedom in order to grow and test their first flight wings. But let’s be careful not to launch them too soon or carelessly. Let’s keep our eyes on preparing them for that specific task to which God is calling them—and be open to the idea that it will not always be what we had hoped it would be. Remember, God is the Master planner! We are simply caretakers for a few years of great opportunity and influence in the lives of our children.

The teen years go by fast. But contrary to the world’s thinking, they are not a time for less parenting. They are a time of great opportunity— a time for greater wisdom and involvement. The teen years are not an instant maturity of child to adult, but a gradual deepening of a friendship between child and parent. It’s an opportunity to use careful wisdom when disciplining and to ask for forgiveness when it’s required.

Don’t miss these precious years. Don’t dread them. Take advantage of them.

Wondering how? Here are a few simple goals to consider:

Make your home the place where your teens want to bring their friends.
We’ve found that making our home “the place” has required some flexibility over the years … 🙂 but that flexibility has resulted in wonderful memories of pizza parties, game nights, movie nights and even wonderful interactions around a big pot of taco soup. Make sure your teens know that you welcome their friends into your house. Not only does it give you great insight into the character of their friends, it allows you a greater platform to speak into their lives.
Be willing to stay up late.
I don’t know why, but teens become night owls. So we became night owls too. Sometimes, against our will! But those late-night conversations are a huge part of the important stuff. Prop your eyelids open … it’s worth it!
Learn to apologize.
Your teens will respect you and learn from your example if you can admit it when you are wrong. After all, we ask forgiveness for our entire lifetime!
Be the parents.
You’re an archer. You’re preparing your kids for a battle—and this requires both nurture and discipline. Our kids were not created to be boomerangs! They’re not supposed to come back… right? 🙂 They were created as arrows. You don’t get a second chance. One launch. A few short years. Don’t grow weary in investing in your teens.

The harvest is coming. Sow wisely and lovingly. And ENJOY these precious years!

Redeeming Our Time

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Time Flies.

Several years ago, I overheard a “celebrity” being interviewed on TV as I prepared dinner for our family. The questions seemed to center on her public life, and then, one question got my attention.

“If you could only say one thing to young mothers who are raising their children, what would it be?” asked the reporter. The woman thought for just a moment and replied, “Life is not a dress-rehearsal. You only get one shot at raising your kids. Don’t mess it up.”

Her voice cracked slightly, and I heard the familiar sound of missed opportunity in her tone. I wondered why. By all appearances, she had the “perfect” life. Beautiful children, lots of money, handsome husband. I put down my paring knife to focus on the remainder of her short interview. It turned out that she was estranged from two of her children. She lamented the fact that while she was raising her children, she and her husband spent so much time cultivating a “perfect” family, that they did not develop a relationships with their children that would last. It only looked good on the outside. And now, it was too late to start over. The time for raising her children had passed. She could only warn other mothers not to walk down the same path she had gone down.

The time for sowing seed had passed. The harvest was in.

It is hard to hear those kinds of words. My heart hurt for this mom. Naturally, I thought of my own children. Our oldest, who is now married and expecting her own child this fall was nearly 16 at the time—and even then, it seemed that it was just yesterday when we were holding her in our arms, in awe of her perfect features and scared to death that we wouldn’t do everything “just right”. I thought of my grandmother, who remarked to me just a few months after grand-daddy died that she was amazed at how fast her life had gone by.

Grandma said to me, “Heidi, the best thing you will ever do in this life is to love your husband and to raise your children to love and serve the Lord. Don’t let the world fool you into thinking that having children is anything less than the best thing you’ll ever do.” How I miss this precious lady! She was so wise.

I recently spoke to a group of women in Washington about the blessing of motherhood. It seems odd to me that many Christians have bought into the world’s way of looking at children. It must grieve the heart of God when we think of our children as anything less than a gift straight from the heart of the Creator Himself.

The Bible is full of stories of amazing moms who understood their worth before the Father. God’s word stresses the importance of mothers! In Exodus 2 we read about Jochebed, the mother of Moses. She protected her son, even putting her own life in peril, and then entrusted him to the Lord. Eunice, the mother of Timothy, instructed her son in the knowledge of the scriptures and he went on to have an incredible impact for the kingdom as part of Paul’s ministry. Read the books of Timothy and you will see Paul reference Timothy’s grandmother, Lois and his mother, too. They must have been amazing women!

In the United States today, mothers are under enormous pressure to conform to the world’s view of children. Radical Feminism has devalued motherhood in a quest for “greater meaning” and “true identity”. But God sees things much differently.

God’s view of children is a dramatic departure from the cultural norms of the world we live in.

The world says: “Children are a burden.”
God says, “Children are a blessing.”

The world says, “Try not to have more than two or three children. ”
God says, “Blessed is the man who has many children!”

The world says, “Children get in the way.”
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to ME.”

The world has diminished the high-calling of motherhood to little more than a “stop-over” on the highway of life.

But God says that a wife of strong character is rare – she is worth far more than jewels! (Prov. 31.10)

If you are a mother, you have an amazing opportunity every day to shape the future. As a homeschooling mom, you have even more time to influence the lives of your precious children. Homeschooling provides endless opportunities to teach your children about God’s love for them! Mom, your job is so important! You have been given the privilege of weaving a fabric of family life using the truth of God’s word to impact the lives of your children…

Ultimately, this fabric will be a beautiful tapestry that will bear witness to the power and love of the Lord Jesus as your children walk with the One who created them in your womb.

I’m glad I was reminded of the fact that life is not a dress-rehearsal. I’m thankful that my grandmother loved the fact that Jay and I chose to have a family that doesn’t fit the “worlds” mold very easily. The time does pass quickly. Let’s redeem the time God has given us to influence these precious children for the Glory of God. It’s an investment that yields a harvest of joy that will continue into eternity.

We Hope—We Wait

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“Good things come to those who wait.”

Boy, I heard this a lot as a child, this philosophy of waiting. It was preached from the pulpit, at school and yes, at home. It’s funny how you turn into your parents, pastors and teachers … eventually.

When I was young, I was always in a hurry to grow up. I remember thinking, “if only I could drive…” or “if only so-and-so would ask me out” … and then, I married the most wonderful man—and the “if onlys” began again. “If only we had more money”, “If only the kids would obey!”

Time is a teacher. At long last, I am discovering something about my if only attitude. In Romans, Paul was having a similar angst. Except he had the right perspective.

“But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans 8:25

In the quiet (read: before the kids awake), I let these words soak deep into my spirit. And a four little words speak to my spirit. “We hope—We Wait.”

Look closely. They come before and after “for what we do not have.”

We live in a world that is desperate for hope. Entire {successful} presidential campaigns have been built on the word “Hope.” It is a powerful word. It holds a promise that is unique to the one who hears it.

What are we hoping—and waiting for? Some weighty things come to mind—

Raising children is really an exercise in hope. Each day requires renewed patience and discipline as I wait to see the beginnings of buds appear on the branches of those little saplings I have planted oh-so-carefully with my husband. The promise of fruit that will appear —the hope—that if I plant with the harvest in mind, and if I nurture these little souls—and if—I can ask forgiveness … there.will.be.fruit.

We hope—for what we do not yet have.

We wait for it—patiently

… when we’ve said “no” for the trillionth time
… when we are challenged repeatedly
… when the gentle correction seems to not be working
… when the toddler just will.not.stop. whining
… when the math lessons are wearisome
… when I am weary from the oh-so-daily reminders:

“your school books don’t go there”
“yes, it’s your turn to unload the dishwasher”
“please treat your sister with kindness”
“stop arguing with each other…please …. now … STOP!”

Many moms fall into bed each night exhausted and discouraged—for little change is seen in the day-to-day challenges of raising children.

Real change is incremental. It is a decision of the heart.

So we wait—with hope—for what do we do not yet see.

And we don’t give up. And we love with a fierceness that burns brightly on long winter days.

And—we keep waiting—because we believe the promise.

Good things come to those who wait. And just like Rome wasn’t built in a day, so fruit trees don’t mature overnight.

One day, I am learning, the effort begins to bear fruit. Children grow up. They get married … and… I’m also discovering that eventually, they make ecstatic grandmothers out of tired mamas.

There will be fruit. Plant with the harvest in mind.

Be encouraged,
heidi

Just Like Her Mommy

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Sometimes, we learn more from our children than we can possibly teach them.

I think that’s God’s way. He gives us children in part, I think, to show us how He sees us. Yes, we teach them, but really, we’re the ones being taught.

The older I get the more I am realizing how utterly dependent I am on God. When I was younger, I didn’t grasp the gravity of my need for Him.

Our littlest Darling is two. I wonder if God sees me as I see Darling. Sometimes, I grasp the enormity of the lessons I’m learning. Sometimes, I don’t. When I have the occasion to understand the situation I am in, I often look wide-eyed at God for help—in the same way Darling looks at me.

“Mommy, I’m stuck.” or “It burned, Mommy.” “Help, please.” “I’m sorry.” “But I’m not tired!”

Sometimes, there are no words. Just tears of regret for the suffering that follows a wrong decision or words that were carelessly spoken.

Truly, my two-year-old daughter is just like her mommy.

Just like her, I’m in constant need of God’s tender mercies. I’m fragile. Broken, really. The cracks show up when the light hits them just right … these jagged lines that life has left run their course along my soul and occasionally they expose soft spots I had forgotten about. They serve as an indelible reminder of my humanness.

If I look too long at the jagged lines, I can feel myself begin to sink. Thoughts that are not from Him creep in. I wonder how I can be the mother that I need to be. I question how I can adequately serve this amazing man who loves me. I wonder how I can juggle the friendships that I’ve been blessed with. I wonder if I’m a good friend at all.

And then, I remember Darling.

She is growing. Each day, she remembers a lesson (or at the very least, part of a lesson) from the day before—just like her mommy.

Some places are sticky. It’s easy to get stuck. Don’t go back there.

Some things burn. Try, try not to touch things that burn flesh or spirit. No matter how shiny or tempting they are.

The trail in the back woods is not for Darling. She can’t navigate it safely … at least not yet. Following an old, overgrown trail that I have been told not to travel down is unwise. (It’s better to close the entrance to trail.)

Saying “I’m sorry” is freeing.

Rest is necessary. Like Darling, I need to learn how to rest without fear that I’ll miss something while my spirit and flesh are being renewed.

We are so much like the children that God entrusts into our care.

Learning.

Trying again.

Falling … and getting back up.

In need of forgiveness.

In need of rest.

And those broken places? They’re part of the daily reminder that God is in the business of healing.

Healing from the past.
—Emotionally, physically, spiritually.

Help for the present
—Provision, wisdom for parenting, strength for the journey

Hope for the future

Yes, we’re a lot alike, this toddler and me.

Just like her mommy, Darling is learning how to trust, forgive, dust herself off, get back in the game, avoid the sticky places, apologize when necessary and rest without struggling.

Today as I watch our toddler … well … “toddling,” I smile. Because I know that God is watching me—His hands are open wide, His eyes dance with enthusiasm at every new lesson I learn, knowing that I desire to be, well, just like my Daddy.

That makes the journey worth taking.

Homeschooling Preschoolers {or not}

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Best idea I EVER heard for homeschooling preschoolers:

DON’T.

Play with them. Take them on walks. Read to them. Bake cookies.

These precious young years fly by.

“People” say we’ve got to start school at the age of three. But I’ve got to say: I think we miss out on some of the best years of childhood when we start formal education too soon.Of course now that our oldest two are grown, I have the gift of perspective. If I could go back, I would have played more and stressed less over “school” for my littlest ones. Even Kindergarten and First/Second grades require very little “book” work.

Study what crawls out from under the stones on your garden walkway. Talk about the mysteries of the heavens. Smell the flowers in your neighborhood. Nurture curiosity. Above all, nurture their spirit. ♥

Heidi St. John

Speaking the Truth in Love