We’ve all been warned: Parenting teens is very different than the elementary years and it is NOT for the weak spined. The saying, “Little kids wreck your house and big kids wreck your mind” sounded so heartless and cold…until I found myself in a puddle on the floor after our first real conflict with our teen, not really sure what exactly had just happened. Reeling with emotion, I felt beat down, under condemnation and wondering why God thought it was a good idea to give me eight kids.

We have raised 3 kids through the teen years, and they still like us in spite of all the times we’ve messed up. We currently have 4 teens in the house and I am finding myself with a different perspective on this season of parenting.

I want to share with you what I wish someone would have shared with me so many years ago: parenting teens looks more like coaching than anything. There is that occasional situation that requires us to simply “be the parent”, but, more often than not, it looks like encouraging, being their biggest fans, and asking lots of intentional questions in hopes they will start to “own” their own lives. These questions should encourage our teens to think about the decisions they are making and give them the freedom to express their thoughts in a safe environment…even if they seem to make no sense to us. I’ve often found that when it seems like their reasoning is senseless, there is far more going on than meets the eye…something they haven’t identified yet…an insecurity, fear, etc. This is why asking questions with the right spirit is so vitally important and that’s much easier to do if we take on more of a coaching role.

What does that look like? What characteristics make a GOOD coach?

A coach is student of his players. He watches to learn what their strengths and weaknesses are, because unless he knows his players, he doesn’t have the information he needs to help them reach their full potential.

A coach cares deeply, has a goal plan in mind and works toward that. It’s about being intentional, but also flexible. He is willing to adjust to fit the personality, strengths and weaknesses of the players, but also challenging them to push beyond their comfort zone without exasperating them.

He encourages with a positive attitude and enthusiasm, inspiring them to “own” their responsibility in the game and to be a team player (being others-oriented). He provides direct, yet encouraging feedback. He reinforces key messages and acknowledges success. . He is consistent in his expectations. He is tough when necessary, but also tender when needed.

These are some good things to try and remember, but keep in mind, NO parent does all of these perfectly. We are imperfect parents with imperfect kids. Every last one of us desperately needs a Savior and that’s where the grace of the gospel comes in. “His grace is sufficient for us, His power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9)  I can’t tell you how many times I have blown it with our teens. It’s required me to humble myself and ask forgiveness from our kids and God many, many times, but I’ve found that His grace covers more than I ever thought possible.

The enemy will work HARD to discourage us as we parent/coach through the teen years, but I want to remind you (and me) that because of what Jesus did, “There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because the law of the spirit of LIFE has set you free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1)

Let’s walk in this freedom and be a living example to our kids of what the gospel looks like in REAL life. It will speak more loudly to them than any form of “effective” parenting.

If you have teenagers or have raised them, you know that it can be a very eye opening season of life. We have raised three teens and currently have 3 (almost 4) in the house right now, so needless to say, we have learned a lot AND we keep learning because each one is different.

One of the main things we have learned is not to assume that we know what our kids are thinking or how they view things because this can change with maturity,hormones, and sometimes just a bad day.

It’s important to remember that as our teens are preparing to spread their wings and fly on their own, more than likely their agendas and ideas WILL collide with ours. This can invoke fear in the hearts of parents as our kids question the status quo and learn to think for themselves. It’s really what we want, but the process can be painful.

One of the best ways to keep from freaking out under these circumstances is to stop and consider how our teens are thinking and feeling about life in general. I have to remind myself what it was like to be a teen. I certainly don’t remember it being the best time in my life. I was unsure of who I was, what others thought of me, where my life might lead and whether or not I would be “successful”. That’s a frightening and intimidating place to be.

I individually pulled aside our 3 teen boys who are 17, 16 and 14 and asked them all the same six questions. Of course, none of their answers were exactly the same. I thought I would share them with you, because, quite frankly, I always learn something new about my kids and where they are when I ask questions and give them a safe environment to answer. So here they are:

1. How do you think adults see teens in general?

“As young adults who just need more experience”
“Rebellious”
“It varies. Sometimes as immature but also as lucky because they don’thae as many worries.
Maybe even spoiled.”

2. Do you think they see YOU differently than other teens?

“I don’t know.”
“Yes, because I’m not rebellious…well, for the most part.”
“I haven’t thought much about it.”

3. How do you want them to to see you?

“I want them to respect me as a responsible young adult.”
“I want them to see me as a man.”
“A fun guy to hang out with and be around.”

4. What is the most challenging for you at this age?

“Not knowing what the future holds for me. Being frustrated because I don’t know where I’m going yet.
“School sometimes stresses me out because I’m afraid I won’t get through high school if I don’t do well on whatever I’m working on.”
(He’s in 8th grade)
“Not getting distracted while doing my schoolwork, even though I am a focused person.”

5. What could you tell adults that might surprise them?

“That when we challenge adults we actually really are trying to challenge ourselves to be
more grown up. We sometimes mistakenly feel like we shouldn’t be disciplined. Our questions aren’t usually meant to be disrespectful. We are trying to think for ourselves.”
“I forget a lot” (As his mom, I can tell you that I am painfully aware of this)
“There’s more temptation now days to get caught up in screen time and there’s more bad stuff out there that people seem to think is ok to show.”

6. What is the most encouraging things adults can do for you or say to you?

“I like when they tell me I’m doing a good job or compliment me on the things I do, like work”
“Playing basketball with me…oh wait, nevermind, that would just be fun. Okay, answer our questions without getting impatient”
“Any kind of encouragement. Compliment how I’m doing in school. Anytime I’ve done anything well, I like to be told.”

Have you thought about asking your teens some of these questions? Maybe you have some of your own? You may find out you know them better than you thought or that maybe you don’t! My guess is that it will be a little bit of both.

I encourage you to reach out to your teens and let them talk! Just the fact that we want to hear what they have to say makes them feel valuable and kids who feel valued, feel loved.

From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a mommy.  I studied moms and how they mothered their children.  I thought about how wonderful it would be to care for and nurture those sweet, chubby faced little cherubs.  What’s not to love?  And I was pretty sure MY kids would love and appreciate me…pretty much ALL the time.

Cue in screaming baby, uncooperative toddler, indifferent grade schooler, defiant teenager.  It doesn’t seem to matter what phase of child raising we are in, if we are doing our job well, we are doomed to the role of the “bad lady”.

The “bad lady” doles out consequences as needed in order to allow her children to learn valuable lessons that prepare them for real life.  Sometimes that requires action, sometimes it requires doing nothing and letting natural consequences teach the lesson.  She has rules and boundaries and does not take kindly to the crossing of those.  She knows that it’s better in the long run for her child to learn these things early on rather than being smacked down harder by them as an adult.  She also knows that as much as she wants to be her children’s best friend, it’s far more important for her to be their mother. I don’t care how you dice it, parenting is hard.  We love our kids, we want what’s best for them and unfortunately,  that often means we have to make decisions that are not appreciated.

No one likes to be the “bad lady”.  It’s not fun.  Not even close.  In fact it really rots sometimes. Somehow we feel like we are the only ones who are feeling this way, but  I guarantee you that there are plenty of other moms out there who feel like the “bad lady” more often than not.  You are not alone.

Just the other day, I reminded our 14 year old (and myself) that I am not his peer (so he was not allowed to speak to me like one), I am not even necessarily his friend.  I am his mom.  Before you criticize this saying they do not have to be mutually exclusive, I agree – sort of. There is an age where the relationships turns into that of friends, but a friend doesn’t have authority over another and when I’m raising my children, I do.  I can be a mom who listens and encourages and entertains, but at the end of the day, I’m still a mom.

I’ve had eight children. Two are married with babies of their own.  One is in college.  And you know what?  They are my biggest supporters now when it comes to not letting up on the younger five who are still at home.  So believe me when I tell you it’s worth it.  Our kids will be adults far longer than they will be children, so seize the moment and wear the badge of the “bad lady” proudly!  They probably won’t appreciate it now, but they’ll thank you later!