Tag Archives: child training

Giving Our Kids the Gift of Boredom!

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I can hear them now as my hubby and I wash up after dinner.  They are running around, enjoying the respite from our intense desert sun while they soak up that important time outside.  One boy runs inside to inform me that he’s discovered a new path.  Really it is just a long stretch of space behind a line of bushes.  But in his mind, it is ripe with mystery and opportunity.  He grabs at my hand, begging me to explore this path with him.  I arrive in time for a lizard funeral as boys relay their attempt to rescue this scaly creature from a bird.  In the span of 2 minutes, we’ve discussed funeral practices, heaven, predator/prey relationships, and compassion.  And I didn’t have to plan a thing.

Giving our kids the gift of time - a better way of staying busy...

Ahhh, the lazy days of summer – when kids run wild – exploring, building forts, climbing trees, forming clubs, reading books.  Well, that’s the way it used to be anyways.

These days we are all about programs and bucket lists…

And if we aren’t keeping our kids busy and occupied with these than we give them our ipads, smartphones or some other kind of screen to keep them occupied.

But what if we did something drastic and returned to the good ol’ days, the lazy days of summer?  What if we embraced the value of time – time to be bored – knowing that we are allowing their imagination, their curiosity, their ingenuity to develop?

They say that “necessity is the mother of invention,” but I’d venture to add that a bit of boredom accomplishes this too!  It takes skill to know what to do with oneself.  If we remove distractions and take the time to provide these opportunities, think of what a gift we can give them.    And while we are at it, we can unplug and just be as well.  We can be present – enter into their worlds, bring them into ours.  We can read, talk, bake, and explore free from the confines of “busyness.”  Our culture has idolized the concept of being busy and redefined what that looks like.  It is program focused, instead of people focused.  And all too often it leaves us frantic, disconnected, and unable to just be there for the little things in life.  Life is busy, but let’s take a look at what we are busy doing and then help our children learn how to constructively occupy their own time without always doing it for them.  Because these are the moments when most of life’s lessons are learned.  It’s nearly impossible to plan for; we simply need to be available.

So how do we embrace this kind of “time?”  I’m sharing a few ideas about how to embrace boredom in a way that cultivates creativity over at my blog, Cultivated Lives.

Heather.

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When You Think You’re Failing as a Mother

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It had been one of those mornings.

You know the kind. The kind of the morning when the attitudes and behavior displayed by your children drive you to despair that they will ever become productive, law abiding citizens.

Yeah, that kind.

There was complaining – about everything.

There was selfishness – lots of selfishness.

There were rude comments.

Oh, and did I mention complaining?

All of these things were made exponentially worse by the fact that all 6 of my kids were in the mix. 

As we loaded the car later that morning and headed to my co-op teacher training at a local park, it was hard to muster a smile to cover the insecurity and doubt that I felt about my skills as a mother, a homeschooler and co-op teacher.

It was a beautiful day and the kids eagerly scrambled out of the car onto the playground.

I watched nervously as the other co-op teachers rambled in one by one, parking their cars and unloading their broods.

I wonder if the 8-year old will get mad and push his brother?  How long until the 5-year old begins whining?  Will my awkward tween daughter engage with the other girls her age or will she hang out on her own being – well, awkward?

One teacher’s daughter walked past noticing a mom-of-many littles struggling and offered her assistance.

I observed with gratitude another teacher’s son being kind to my difficult 8-year old. 

Some of the teachers’ older boys started a game of soccer with the younger boys.

Although I was blessed by the other teachers’ well-behaved children at the park, I also began comparing their behavior to my kids’ behavior earlier in the day and couldn’t help but feel even more discouraged.

Our tutor meeting began with light chat and laughter.  How I cherished these women!  Each talented and beautiful in their own way, we talked about how school was going and how we were looking forward to Spring right around the corner. 

We poured over our lessons for the next quarter, marking notes and sharing teaching tips gained by our years of teaching.

As we wrapped things up, one teacher’s son came over to lodge a complaint (the first one of the afternoon) against a sister who was insisting on having her own way.

Another teacher commented how her kids (the helpful one earlier in my tale) had been having issues with stubbornness.  One by one we began to share bits of our struggles with our own kids. 

One child had been on kitchen duty for 4 weeks as he stubbornly refused to do the job consistently without complaining.  I could relate to that – but 4 weeks!  That was pretty bad, yes?

I scanned the horizon, as moms at parks are prone to do, counting heads, making sure all my babes were accounted for.  I noticed my often stubborn son playing peacefully under the slides with another boy. 

My 5-year old leaned into my side, content to play with his toys quietly on the blanket.

My tween was laughing and kicking a soccer ball with the other tweens with apparent ease.  (What she may have been feeling inside is another issue!)

As we packed up to leave and the kids shouted their farewells, I smiled. 

My kids aren’t’ perfect – far from it.  But they are precious works in process – just like me.

Dear mama, if you’re fretting about your kids’ behavior, I want to encourage you that we all are!

 5 Verses of Encouragement for Moms

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

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My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9

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May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. Romans 15:13

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I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-4

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Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

Never lose heart that the consistent, daily reminders and even consequences and teaching that we give our kids will result in young people who help, who are kind, who are patient. 

 

How to Clean a Child’s Bedroom Without Losing Your Mind

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The never ending chore of keeping the bedrooms clean can cause a fair amount of tension if we choose to let it.  I’m not a mother who requires that bedrooms get picked up every day, because imaginary play often goes on from one day to the next, and I hate to squelch it.  That said, there are plenty of things that can be handled consistently to help keep a bedroom under control.  But eventually, it all needs to get cleaned up so we can vacuum or sweep… at least once or twice a year!  :blushing:  This task can be overwhelming for a child, and we need to be understanding about that.  Considering the number of decisions required to put away 9,743 objects in an hour, we should have some compassion.  Here are a few tips to help it be a manageable – and hopefully successful – task!

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  1. Make it clean-able.  Sometimes there’s just too much stuff to even be able to have it put away.  Maybe it’s a small bedroom or there aren’t enough places to put things.  Fix that!  Declutter, pass on some toys, buy storage solutions, etc.  A room full of things with no place to belong will be a constant frustration for you and your child.
  2. Have one container for “all the little things that feel like they should get thrown away but your child sees value in them.”  Yeah. Those things that you want to pitch while they’re not watching?  Chances are good that they’ll notice. (Ask me how I know.)  We use an under-bed container for these things: random flashlight, receipt, Chick Fil A toy, etc.  Anything that isn’t a group deserving of its own storage goes in this miscellaneous container, and it’s so appropriate to tuck it under the bed! Most of this stuff lives on the floor, so it’s really easy to put it away here.  🙂
  3. Pick up everything and put it in one pile.  This is hands down, my best tip.  Pick up everything – EveRYthInG – and put it into one pile. On the bed, center of the floor, or wherever you choose. (We choose center of the floor because we can sweep it there easily!)  It automatically eliminates the visual clutter that can be overwhelming to children, especially younger ones.
  4. After everything is in one pile, we pull stuff from that pile in categories.  (Make a list of the order in which you suggest they do things if you are teaching them to do this independently.) Shoes are easy to start with because they usually all go in the same place, so it’s easy and quick success.  Clothes next because they are a big part of the pile.  Then the pile is usually manageable after those two categories. After that, just take one item at a time.
  5. Don’t rant while they’re cleaning or you’re cleaning with them.  (How would I know this is a temptation?)  It will make only serve to make the experience miserable for you both and make them feel like a failure.  Turn on some music to keep the mood light if you need some help. 🙂
  6. Be willing to help while they clean.  This may look like picking up and putting away while they work alongside you.  Maybe it’s in the form of company and reading aloud while they work.  Maybe it’s frequent checking in and encouraging.  There are a lot of ways to help, and the younger the child is, the more involved you will likely need to be.  But regardless of the age of the child, encouragement will go a long way!

You can do this, Busy Mom!

Do you have tips to share that simplify this task at your house?

Raising Kids to Depend on Jesus

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Raising Kids to Depend on Jesus

 

My neighbor Dave died today.

At 87 years old, his mind was sharp as a whip, despite his ever weakening body.

My husband and I spent some time with him in the hospital recently during one of his many visits over the past few months.  Dave was cheerful, sharing the Gospel with anyone who would listen, handing out tracts that he would order by telephone – even from his hospital bed.

After the doctors and nurses left the room, he shared with us for what must have been the 100th time since we became neighbors some 20 years ago, about his life.   These stories often included sad stories of heart ache.

His mother was institutionalized for depression and possible schizophrenia when he was just three years old.  Dave and his brother were sent to live with their grandparents in rural Michigan.  Dave’s time living with his grandparents were probably some of the happiest days of his life.  Or maybe they were just some of my favorites;   stories of church picnics, outdoor shenanigans with his brother and the simplicity of farm life.

When Dave was about 12 or 13 and was becoming too much for his aging grandparents to handle, he was sent back to the city to live with his father and his father’s new wife.

That was a hard transition for a young man who had had everything done for him for so long.  Rejected by his step mother and a source of irritation to his father, Dave eventually joined the Navy, served in WWII, came home and married.

After bearing 2 children, his wife fell in to a cycle of depression and mental illness that lasted her entire life.  She was unable to care for her children or her husband and sweet Dave, in many ways still a boy himself, picked up the reigns and ran his family on his own as best as possible.

Years later, retired, widowed and alone, Dave spent many an afternoon at our house, sharing a cup of tea and reminiscing of days gone by.  There was always a deep sadness as he told his stories, but he always ended by recalling God’s hand in his life.

I can’t help thinking of Dave as a boy, just as my boys are running through our home today.

I can’t help but thinking that, as moms, we have incredible power to affect our children’s future.

Here’s the thing.  Dave knew Jesus.  He was brought to church and his loneliness drew him to know his savior.  When the turns of his life let him down, when his mother and father failed him, his wife failed him, even his children failed him – God never did.

When we’re in the midst of babies and sleep deprivation, new marriages and new challenges, it is hard to see the end from the beginning.  Who can imagine their toddler as a confused 12 year old moving to a new state to live with a father he never knew, or as a 40 year old father of 3 with a mentally ill wife or as an 87 year old man with broken dreams and little worldly success to show for his time on earth.

Here’s the thing. Our kids may have all the best toys and clothes.  Our kids may have all the best opportunities, get in to the best colleges and have the best jobs. But without a dependence on God – it’s all for nothing.

Raising Kids to Love and Depend on Jesus

  1. Pray for them.  Pray with them.  Pray without ceasing.  Pray that they would have a supernatural love for God’s Word.
  2. Model a love for God’s Word.  Read it.  Teach from it in the Deuteronomy 6 way – as you sit, walk, rise and rest.  Share with them what God is showing you through His Word and how He is working in your life.
  3. Use times of discipline as a time for discipleship.  Our kids’ character issues are an opportunity to show them that they NEED a savior, that they can’t do it on their own.  Teach them to pray and ask Jesus to help them.  Then, when they experience success, stop to thank Jesus for helping them!
  4. Show them your dependence on God.  We all fail everyday.  Show your kids what a repentant and humble heart looks like.
  5. Don’t be afraid when your children experience trials.  Handled properly, our trials draw us nearer to God. Much like a fever acts for our good by killing an overgrowth of bacteria or a potent virus, trials purify us (and our kids) and draw us into a deeper dependence on God.  If you can’t help but worry, refer to number 1 above!

During this season of back to school, sports, classes and clubs and all of the accompanying pressures and demands – remember Dave.  Remember that the most important thing you can do for your child as you prepare them to go out into the world is to show them and teach them a love and dependence on Jesus!

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5 Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Started Homeschooling

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With changes rapidly happening in our public school system, more parents than ever are considering the very viable option of homeschooling. If you’re one of those, read on.I’ll never forget our first year of homeschooling.I sort of “fell” into homeschooling, and so, admittedly, I was not as well prepared as some of you dear readers will be. In fact, I was about as green as green could get—but I was trying—right down to the flag salute and scheduled recess time. Like many new homeschool moms, I was trying to imitate what I remembered about school. And the school that I attended as a child had a flag salute. So we did, too.As you are probably guessing, our first year was tricky. The neighbors thought we were crazy, my parents wondered out loud about my “ability” to teach our children, and I had no idea how to get dinner on the table and still teach math, reading, and science. Or, maybe I didn’t need to be teaching science to our second grader? The opinions on teaching science to second graders were mixed, after all.Can you relate? Oh, the things I worried about!I needed a class for homeschool rookies, but unfortunately, there were no such classes around.

Homeschooling is the best decision we have ever made with regard to how we would educate our children. But I won’t lie to you—those first few years were especially challenging. If I could start again, I would do a few things differently.

But even so, God has a way of working all things together for good as we trust him. Here are just a few of the many things he’s taught me over the past fifteen years:

Education is Discipleship

“A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.” (Luke 6:40)Education is discipleship.  This simple sentence has become the mission statement of our homeschool. The Lord has taught us the simple truth about education through homeschooling. And the truth is that ALL education can be summed up in one word: discipleship.Because the Bible tells us that students become like their teachers, we know that our children are modeling us in every area of life. Luke 6:40 bears special meaning for homeschooling parents. It reminds us that no matter who is teaching our children, they are being discipled; and it compels us to examine our own lives, because our children are very likely going to be just like we are.The culture we live in has made academics the “main thing,” but I beg to differ. Academics pale in comparison to teaching our children what it means to be men and women who are sold out for Jesus Christ, ready to give an answer for the Hope that lies within them. Education is simply the opportunity to shape the hearts and minds of our children. There can be no greater goal than to teach our children to follow hard after Christ.

Manner is More Important Than Method

As a new homeschooler, I was bombarded with academic opportunities. Dozens of programs and curricula overwhelmed me at the homeschool conference. I studied my options, poring through homeschool catalogs and investigating different companies. Our coffee table overflowed with flyers and curriculum samples.

If I could start over (which I can, each year, by the way!), I would have spent more time praying and preparing for the manner in which I would be known for teaching our children, rather the method I chose. At the end of the day, my kids remember much more about how I taught them, rather that what I taught them.

As you begin homeschooling, take some time to think about how you want your kids to remember their homeschool years. I have learned that the relationships I foster with my children are much more important than the books I choose.

Fruit Grows Over Time

No one ever plants a fruit tree and expects mature fruit to appear overnight. Yet, for some reason, homeschool parents often feel pressure to “out-perform” in almost every area of parenting, even when children are very young!

Your kids don’t need to be seen as geniuses. If your neighbors ask your fourth grader what the capital of Texas is and he answers “Oregon,” don’t panic! Remind yourself that good fruit takes time to grow. The results of good homeschooling take time to see.

We can place undue pressure on ourselves and our children when we saddle ourselves with expectations that do not come from the Lord. See his expectations and live up to those. The rest either don’t matter, or will come in time. There will never be a teacher more devoted to the success of your child than you are.

Child Training Trumps the A-B-Cs

Is your child disobedient? Whining? Ungrateful? Rebellious? If so, then “real” school has begun.

Training your child to be obedient is more important than teaching addition. Don’t be afraid to stop formal schooling to teach the greater lessons of life: obedience, respect, truthfulness, graciousness, and love. I have met many parents over the years who miss the true opportunity of homeschooling by focusing solely on academics. Their children suffer for it. The parents suffer too, but it’s usually later down the road.

Consider Eli, who served as a priest in Israel. His unwillingness to discipline his sons brought dishonor to his family, and ultimately, grave punishment to his sons and himself.

You will not have done your child any favors if he or she is fluent in three languages, but cannot speak a single one in a loving and respectful way. When we honor God’s ways first, the rest will follow.

Learning Style Matters

Take the time to discover both your primary learning style and the learning styles of your children. Moms who know their learning style have an easier time choosing curriculum and a far greater success rate in teaching their children the best way.

Your preferred learning style will guide the way you learn, and it will greatly influence the way you teach!

For example, I know that I am a visual learner. If I had taken the time to discover this earlier in my homeschooling, I would have avoided many of the curricula that I chose, because I would have known that I would probably not enjoy teaching it.

Generally, you will find that you and your children fall into one of these learning styles:

• Visual (spatial): You prefer using pictures, images, and spatial understanding.

• Verbal (linguistic): You prefer using words, both in speech and writing.

• Physical (kinesthetic): You prefer using your body, hands, and sense of touch.

• Logical (mathematical): You prefer using logic, reasoning, and systems.

• Social (interpersonal): You prefer to learn in groups or with other people.

• Solitary (intrapersonal): You prefer to work alone and use self-study.

There are many books and websites dedicated to learning styles. Check them out! You’ll be glad you did.

It’s been many years since I took my first steps as a new homeschool mom. Last month, we graduated our son, who never went to “regular” school. Like his two sisters before him, Skylar is ready. He graduated in June from our homeschool, and as he did, he was likely to catch a glimpse of two wide-eyed parents staring at him in a cap and gown … not because they couldn’t believe he graduated, but because they couldn’t believe it went by so fast.

With four more children coming up, we are learning just how fast it goes—and how worth it the journey is.

Mom Warriors and True Arrows

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 momwarriors

I remember before I had kids, I would watch misbehaved children and think, “MY kids will NOT act that way.” I had many theories about discipline and raising kids. Now I have eight kids and no theories.

What I never factored into disciplining our kids was the deep love and attachment I would have for them. It never dawned on me that I would care if they liked me and I certainly didn’t plan that one minute they could turn my world upside down and make me crazy and the next minute become the cuddliest, cutest little human being EVER.

Two of our kids are married with babies of their own and our third is a senior in college. We still have 4 teens in the house and a 10 year old, and with that comes some perspective (not to be confused with having all the answers). They still sometimes turn my world upside down…and then win my heart back in a split second with a simple gesture. I never imagined I could get so frustrated and angry and still love so deeply. The wildest roller coaster can’t even begin to compare to this ride of raising kids.

In so many ways, I’m a very different mom than 24 years ago and, in hindsight, some of the hills I thought were worth dying on, weren’t. But the flip side is that I can see more clearly (than ever) the ones that are. I see the necessity for our kids to hear the truth about sin and our deep need for a Savior. I feel the urgency to make sure that I do everything I can to help them grasp the value of what Jesus did on the cross for us and understand how important it is to own their own relationship with Him. I want the Word of God to be what they filter EVERYTHING through: work, church, relationships, culture.

God says that our children are like arrows. In order for an arrow to to fly so it won’t veer off in the wrong direction, it needs to be “true”. “True” as in straight. God also says that these children are like arrows IN THE HANDS OF A WARRIOR and anyone who has been a mom knows that motherhood is NOT for the faint hearted. We are warriors…MOM WARRIORS. This means that we are in a battle, a battle with a very REAL enemy. He wants our children’s souls and we have to FIGHT for them.

Our kids come into this world helpless, but also as sinners who need a Savior. They are crooked and by the grace of God, we fight to straighten them so that when these arrows are released by our bow, they fly “true” and straight and fulfill the purposes to which God has called them. We do this through training and discipline. Disciplining them for their good, out of love for them, out of a desire to help them avoid foolishness, which God says will lead to destruction and, instead,  point them toward wisdom, which He says leads to life and blessings.

So much of this is done by example, but above all it happens on our knees, because the truth is that the deep work that needs to happen in any of our hearts is only done by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Ultimately only HE can turn our hearts toward Him and straighten what is crooked.

No greater battles are fought than from the humble position of prayer, asking for God’s grace and mercy on our kids’ lives and for wisdom to raise “true” arrows.

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Who Is Your Hero?

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Who is your hero

Have you read Heidi’s post Teaching Our Kids About Honor?  I did, and it resonated deep within me. In the post, Heidi shares the importance of teaching our kids honor and how, as a society, we are bestowing celebrity status upon people who haven’t earned that honor.  It caused me to reflect upon my childhood, and my heroes growing up.

Honestly, my “heroes” weren’t the best. Like many teenagers, I was interested in what the world counted as worth – beauty, fame, power. I knew the names and backgrounds of Victoria’s Secret models better than those of the disciples. I looked up to whichever pop artist had the  #1 song on the countdown charts more than the Proverbs 31 woman.

And it wasn’t good for my spirit. I could have had better heroes. I wish my heroes had been Ruth or Nehemiah.

Now before you get too upset, let me explain, I’m not saying Victoria (or her secret) is evil. Personally, I don’t believe that our heroes have to be solely from the Bible.  What I do believe – wholeheartedly and passionately – is that we should be asking these questions:

Do my heroes point me toward the cross? Do my children’s heroes point them toward the cross?

Christian heroes

This country needs a revival of true, faithful heroes! We need men and women who give the glory to God before taking it for themselves.  We need less “experts” shouting from their corner of the media and more students of the Word. We are in need of leaders who consult the Truth, not a round table of advisers. Can I get an amen?

Too often our heroes have been athletes that, when caught cheating, continue to lie, blame others and fight their punishment. Or celebrities who are famous for nothing more than being wealthy. Or actors who glamorize the enticing life of sex, drugs and rock & roll.

I don’t expect my heroes to be perfect. But what I want is for them to point me to the Truth. I want them, when they falter, to admit their mistake and share their repentance. I need to be encouraged in my faith. I hope to be reminded daily that the only true hero is the One who sent his son to die on the cross, because He is the reason for this life I lead.

Who is your Biblical hero? Do you have an everyday hero?

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