Category Archives: Marriage

4 Ways to Invest In Your Marriage Today

10 Replies
I love being married. I really do. But it’s not always easy and it always requires nurturing.  I speak to moms all the time about making their marriage the priority relationship at home because the fact is simply this: most marriages do not end because of adultery … they end because of neglect.
Over 24 years of marriage, I have learned some valuable lessons.  I’m still learning, truthfully. Every time I make a mistake or stumble, it’s an opportunity to learn something. 🙂  Here are four things I have found to be foundational in my marriage—and they’re things you can start doing TODAY.
  1. Live Entwined Lives. I talk a lot about this in my first book, The Busy Homeschool Mom’s Guide to Romance. Entwined living is the opposite of something I call “parallel living.” It means that instead of just being “roommates” with our husbands, we purpose to be intentional about doing things together. For some of us, it comes easily. When I first started living this principle with my husband years ago, it was difficult.  Our lives were being pulled apart in so many ways … the church pulled at us, with it’s myriad of weekday activities, work pulled us apart, school activities and obligations left little time for meaningful interaction and eventually, we found ourselves with a so-so marriage instead of a great marriage.Entwined living means we live like that cord of three strands that Solomon talks about in Ecclesiastes. Our lives weave in and out of each other’s space and time through meaningful interactions, activites and a commitment to intimacy in our marriage.  For more on this principle, check out the Guide to Romance.

2.  Remember that Marriage Comes Before Mothering. This means that your marriage needs to be the priority relationship in your home.  It should take priority over all your other relationships.  I hear from moms every week who are so weary that the idea of spending any “extra” energy on their husbands is overwhelming.And I get it. Motherhood is demanding. It’s often 24/7, diapers, dishes and discipline. It’s enough to bring a woman to her breaking point. That’s part of the reason I’m so passionate about moms encouraging other moms.  We need each other! Only a mother can truly understand the demands and pressures of another mother.

But here’s the thing: we can’t let motherhood rob us of one of life’s greatest blessings—and that’s a healthy marriage.  I’ve often said that I believe the marriage comes before mothering. I’ve taken some heat for it, because some take that to mean that I don’t care about the kids.  This is not the case. Here’s why:

The marriage is the primary relationship at home. Many moms believe that their children should come first; after all their husbands are grownups! I understand the reasoning behind this, but I believe it’s based in a misunderstanding of God’s design for marriage.

The intent of the mom who puts her children before her marriage is noble, but it lacks vision for the greater picture of a truly healthy family.

Have you ever heard a flight attendant as she instructs passengers before take off? She’ll say something like, “In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, SECURE YOUR MASK FIRST BEFORE ASSISTING YOUNGER PASSENGERS.” This is because everyone knows that if the parents pass out from lack of oxygen, the child is rendered defenseless in most cases.

Your marriage is a lot like this situation. Think of nurturing your marriage in the same way you might think of securing an oxygen mask to yourself and your husband. Breathe life into your marriage every day. Keep your marriage physically and emotionally healthy.

If we create a child-centered home to the neglect of our marriage and the marriage falls apart, or if we only give the marriage 50% of the oxygen it needs, the marriage will suffer. And the children of that marriage will suffer too.

3.  Make Intimacy a Priority. How can we do that as busy moms?  Here a few ideas to bring the “wow” back into your bedroom:  🙂

  • Take time to unwind at the end of the day.  A quiet bath with some wonderful smelling Epsom salts is high on my *love this* list.
  • Prepare yourself mentally for intimacy.  Think about your husband.  What do you find attractive about him? What is it about him that brings a smile to your face? Most husbands don’t need this “mental” preparation. 🙂 They are like microwaves. We are like crock-pots.  Think 6 hours on low. 🙂
  • Talk to your husband. What does he need?  Does he know what you need in order to be more available for sex? Sometimes, just talking about what we need is the key.  For example, it really blesses me and helps me unwind when my husband puts the kids to bed while I try to unwind from the stress of the day. Talk to your husband. He’ll be happy to hear that it matters to you.
4. Be a trustworthy friend. Be the kind of friend to your husband that provides for emotional intimacy as well as physical intimacy.  Share your dreams. Nurture his dreams. Have shared dreams and goals and go for them together.
Want to read more great blog posts on marriage? Visit FulfillingYourVows and check it out … they are doing 14 Days of Fulfilling Your Vows right now and it includes a chance to win some great books on marriage.  Check it out!
Marriage was God’s idea, busy mom!

Nurture your marriage—it’s one of the best things you will ever do for your children!

Photo: Marriage was God's idea, busy homeschool mom! Nurture your marriage—it's one of the best things you will ever do for your children!

Heidi St John Guide to Romance

Heidi St John Firmly Planted Family Devotional For All Ages

Marriage {Before} Mothering

73 Replies

Dear Heidi,

My husband is upset with me. We rarely talk anymore, except to discuss finances or other “necessary” things.  He is a good father and a wonderful man. I’m trying to be a good mother and wife, but my husband says he feels neglected. I honestly can’t help it! I’m too tired at the end of the day for sex most days—and even though I try to explain how much energy it takes to parent our four children and keep the house in decent order, he doesn’t get it. I know we feel more like roommates than lovers these days. But I don’t know what to do about it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I really think my kids need my energy right now.  After they are grown, my husband and I will have all the time we want together.  My priority is our kids while they are little. How can I talk to my husband to help him understand this?”

You know, I get many letters like this each week. And I get it. Motherhood is demanding. It’s often 24/7, diapers, dishes and discipline. It’s enough to bring a woman to her breaking point. That’s part of the reason I’m so passionate about moms encouraging other moms.  We need each other! Only a mother can truly understand the demands and pressures of another mother.

But here’s the thing: we can’t let motherhood rob us of one of life’s greatest blessings—and that’s a healthy marriage.  I’ve often said that I believe the marriage comes before mothering. I’ve taken some heat for it, because some take that to mean that I don’t care about the kids.  This is not the case. Here’s why:

The marriage is the primary relationship at home. Many moms believe that their children should come first; after all their husbands are grownups! I understand the reasoning behind this, but I believe it’s based in a misunderstanding of God’s design for marriage.

The intent of the mom who puts her children before her marriage is noble, but it lacks vision for the greater picture of a truly healthy family.

Have you ever heard a flight attendant as she instructs passengers before take off? She’ll say something like, “In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, SECURE YOUR MASK FIRST BEFORE ASSISTING YOUNGER PASSENGERS.” This is because everyone knows that if the parents pass out from lack of oxygen, the child is rendered defenseless in most cases.

 

Your marriage is a lot like this situation. Think of nurturing your marriage in the same way you might think of securing an oxygen mask to yourself and your husband. Breathe life into your marriage every day. Keep your marriage physically and emotionally healthy.

If we create a child-centered home to the neglect of our marriage and the marriage falls apart, or if we only give the marriage 50% of the oxygen it needs, the marriage will suffer. And the children of that marriage will suffer too.

So yes, love your children fiercely. Teach them. Discipline and train them. Nurture them.

But love your spouse FIRST. Your spouse should get the best part of you. Healthy relationships with our children flow out of healthy, thriving marriages. The best thing a busy mom can do for her children is to love their father.

Precious mom, take time to recharge your inner batteries.  You need to have something left for your husband at the end of the day. Give yourself an hour of quiet time each day to shower, read, nap, or tidy up (if that’s what relaxes your heart and mind). I’ve been doing “quiet time” for years.  Quiet time just means that the kids are either reading in their rooms or napping, or watching a movie quietly. The point is: do what you need to do to refresh your spirit.  The days of mothering are long but the years go by fast.  Be sure your marriage is thriving when your nest is empty.

The investment you make in your marriage today pay dividends far into the future. Your marriage is worth investing in!

Heidi St John Guide to Romance

Heidi St John Firmly Planted Family Devotional For All Ages

{Broken}

19 Replies

Broken. It’s the word I use the most when people ask me who I am.

Broken.

I’m a mess, really.  Memories linger, but with little time to process them. Laundry abounds. Dinner calls. I’m often short-tempered. I’m often frustrated by things that carry no eternal significance.

I often forget how truly blessed I am. 

The Liar is tricky. He whispers “What do you have to offer? Look how broken you are.”  And yes I am. I must confess. I often have more questions than answers.

I wonder. Will my children be broken like I am broken? In my heart I know they will.  Because, really, we’re all broken. That’s why we need a Savior. We do the best we can, in our brokenness. I have found myself crying out to God as I carry the weight of the “what ifs” in life … and I must daily learn (again) to yield to God what I cannot control.

I make the mistake of scanning Facebook. More things that remind me. We.Are.Broken.  I try not to feel overwhelmed. There is much to do. Much that my heart aches for in this broken world.

In my brokenness, I’m learning to see something beautiful. I’m learning that being broken is its own kind of beautiful. Being broken means that I don’t have to struggle with the pain of perfectionism (although I still sometimes do.)

Being broken provides a freedom all it’s own—because there can be no glass houses for broken people. No need to compare brokenness. After all, we are all broken the same. Different kinds of broken—but still broken.

Being broken means I am in need of constant repair—and so I find myself at the feet of the One who heals—again.

There is strength there.

My husband touches my hand. He tells me (again) me how cherished I am.

He reminds me that our children will learn from our brokenness. I love this strong, gentle man. He is a gift. Part of my healing. He tempers me.

I need that.     … You too?

 

Broken people carry a beauty all their own. And broken people who know they have been redeemed—bought with a price—are radiant with a light that transcends the pain of this life.

Very little in this life compares to the beauty the comes from brokenness.  The beauty that comes from ashes —is available to me. And you.

As the news plays in the background, and the weight of this life threatens to overwhelm, I claim the gift of brokenness. I claim it to find healing, and peace. I claim it for the one thing I cannot find without being broken. I claim it for grace. I claim it today, again.

Grace.

Grace in my brokenness — healing.

Praise the Lord.

Heidi St John Guide to Romance

Heidi St John Guide to Daylight

Heidi St John Firmly Planted Family Devotional For All Ages

Redeeming Our Time

9 Replies
Redeeming Our Time
(adapted from a 2007 blog post)

{Our oldest daughter, who was 16 when I wrote this, is now a married 21 year old woman. Time flies.}

 

May, 2007
Time Flies.

The other day, I overheard a “celebrity” being interviewed on TV as I prepared dinner for our family.  The questions seemed to center on her public life, and then, one question got my attention.

“If you could only say one thing to young mothers who are raising their children, what would it be?” asked the reporter.  The woman thought for just a moment and replied, “Life is not a dress-rehearsal.  You only get one shot at raising your kids.  Don’t mess it up.”

Her voice cracked slightly, and I heard the familiar sound of missed opportunity in her tone. I wondered why.  By all appearances, she had the “perfect” life. Beautiful children, lots of money, handsome husband. I put down my paring knife to focus on the remainder of her short interview.  It turned out that she was estranged from two of her children.  She lamented the fact that while she was raising her children, she and her husband spent so much time cultivating a “perfect” family, that they did not develop a relationships with their children that would last.  It only looked good on the outside.   And now, it was too late to start over.  The time for raising her children had passed.  She could only warn other mothers not to walk down the same path she had gone down.  The time for sowing seed had passed.  The harvest was in.

It is hard to hear those kinds of words.  My heart hurt for this mom.  Naturally, I thought of my own children.  Our oldest is nearly 16 – and it seemed that it

My husband, dancing with our youngest daughter at our oldest daughter’s wedding in August of 2012

was just yesterday when we were holding her in our arms, in awe of her perfect features and scared to death that we wouldn’t do everything “just right”.  I thought of my grandmother, who remarked to me just a few months after grand-daddy died that she was amazed at how fast her life had gone by.  Grandma said to me, “Heidi, the best thing you will ever do in this life is to love your husband and to raise your children to love and serve the Lord.  Don’t let the world fool you into thinking that having children is anything less than the best thing you’ll ever do.”   She should know.

I recently spoke to a group of women in Washington about the blessing of motherhood.  It seems odd to me that many Christians have bought into the world’s way of looking at children. It must grieve the heart of God when we think of our children as anything less than a gift straight from the heart of the Creator Himself.

The Bible is full of stories of amazing moms who understood their worth before the Father.  God’s word stresses the importance of mothers!  In Exodus 2 we read about Jochebed, the mother of Moses.  She protected her son, even putting her own life in peril, and then entrusted him to the Lord.  Eunice, the mother of Timothy, instructed her son in the knowledge of the scriptures and he went on to write one of the most amazing books in the New Testament. II Tim. 1:3-5; 3:14,15

In the United States today, mothers are under enormous pressure to conform to the world’s view of children.  Radical Feminism has devalued motherhood in a quest for “greater meaning” and “true identity”. But God sees things much differently.


God’s view of children is a dramatic departure from the cultural norms of the world we live in.  

The world says: “Children are a burden.”
God says, “Children are a blessing.”

The world says, “Try not to have more than two or three children. ”
God says, “Blessed is the man who has many children!”

The world says, “Children get in the way.”
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to ME.”

The world has diminished the high-calling of motherhood to little more than a “stop-over” on the highway of life.

But God says that a wife of strong character is rare – she is worth far more than jewels!  (Prov. 31.10)

If you are a mother, you have an amazing opportunity every day to shape the future. As a homeschooling mom, you have even more time to influence the lives of your precious children.  Homeschooling provides endless opportunities to teach your children about God’s love for them!  Mom, your job is so important!  You have been given the privilege of weaving a fabric of family life using the truth of God’s word to impact the lives of your children… and ultimately this fabric will be a beautiful tapestry that will bear witness to the power and love of the Lord Jesus as your children walk with the One who created them in your womb.

I’m glad I was reminded of the fact that life is not a dress-rehearsal.  I’m thankful that my grandmother loves the fact that Jay and I chose to have a family that doesn’t fit the “worlds” mold very easily.  The time does pass quickly.   Let’s redeem the time God has given us to influence these precious children for the Glory of God.  It’s an investment that yields a harvest of joy that will continue into eternity.

Redeem the time you’ve been given,
heidi st. john 

Heidi St John Guide to Romance
Heidi St John Guide to Daylight

Baby, It’s HOT Outside!

5 Replies

Currently: heading to Hebron, Kentucky in the dark. ’cause it’s cooler in the dark.
Next stop: The Creation Museum
Next speaking engagement: Nashville, TN on the 11th @6pm

Howdy, y’all!

Turns out, you can breathe in 80% humidity.  But not very well. And it also turns out the the RV

FC Directors

Heidi with Esther (director of FC in Pineville, LA) and Janet (director of FC in NW Houston)  We spoke in Louisiana and got to meet many FCHM leaders there.  It was such a blessing!

does NOT like the heat.  In fact, the generator just flat-out quits when it gets too hot.  And then, we get too hot.  Apparently the generator is not well ventilated and when it gets hot outside it just can’t keep up.  So we have traveled most of our trip with spotty AC.  It goes when we’re parked, but not when we’re moving.  HUGE. BUMMER.  Typical enemy-type stuff, too.  Seems he’s getting a lot of mileage (pardon the pun) out of crippling our RV.

As you might imagine, we’re learning a lot through this trial! I’ve learned that we don’t get along very well when we’re hot.  It would be fair to say we’re downright awful to each other at times. Being hot and sticky is NOT good for family togetherness, no matter what they say on those resort commercials.

We’re also learning how to deal with the heat a little better.  A little.

We’ve been very encouraged by what God is doing as we travel and speak. It’s always humbling to be part of something that God is already doing in the life of someone else. This trip, we have spoken with many people who were just in need of a little “shot in the arm” as they head into a new school year– and we’ve also spoken with parents on the brink of divorce. Truly, these families need the support of their local church.

Leaving the Roemer’s house in Sacramento. Scott and Patty direct First Class in Folsom.

SPENCER, our 10 year old son, continues to raise money for Options 360 as we travel.  We’re so proud of him!  He has made speeches in front of as many as 100+ and as few as 10 but his enthusiasm and passion for defending the unborn shines the same each time he speaks.  In Alabama, he met a mom who told him that she decided not to have an abortion because of an ultrasound.  This made Spencer’s day because he’s pretty sure he has raised enough money to provide 10 ultrasounds!  It’s exciting to see him boldly speak to a group of grownups … and also humbling.

What’s behind us: Just finished speaking in Oklahoma City, Atmore, Alabama, Pineville, Louisiana, Panama City and tonight, Jacksonville, FL.  What a week. And it’s not going to slow down now for a little while.

What’s ahead of us: We’ll be in Nashville by Thursday, then on to eastern Tennessee, Maryland, Virginia and Michigan where we’ll wrap up the trip.

We’ve hit the truly truly busy part of our trip, speaking twice a week until we end up at Maranatha Family Camp in Muskegon, Michigan the third week of August.  We will be more than ready for the cooler Michigan temps, too!

Saylor Jane, 8 months

What I wake up to every morning 🙂

People ask us about traveling all the time and want to know what it’s like: well … it’s really good and it can be really bad all at the same time.  The heat makes us crabby, but the people we meet encourage us.  Our kids help at every stop … from book sales to answering curriculum questions they are very involved.  Savannah is always getting questions from parents eager to know how she is doing in college, given the fact that she was homeschooled through high school and it’s always good to hear how she graciously answers questions and calms the fears of new homeschooling parents.

SAYLOR JANE, our 8 month old is growing like  a weed as we travel! I think the humidity is good for her!  🙂  She outgrew her cute little bassinet so we had to dismantle it and mail it home. She went from sitting up to crawling AND she waves to people now! So sweet. We are loving this season of her precious little life as well.  She makes us all laugh every day.

Overall we’re doing well.  God has ways of refreshing our spirits even when we are tired and grumpy.  He’s good that way. 🙂  We have stayed in homes of strangers who become friends and we’ve shared life with old friends we see at homeschool conventions.

Also, everywhere we go, we meet wonderful “accidental” homeschoolers like ourselves.  We’re so grateful for the opportunity to speak to them and hopefully, bring  a little glimpse of God’s heart for them along the way.

I can’t close this entry without a little quote, either 🙂

Sydney asked where we were heading tonight.  When I told her Kentucky, she said, “Do they have kids there?”  She thought Kentucky was a seminar stop, and not a state!

From the Road to Kentucky,

heidi

Heidi St John Guide to Romance

Heidi St John Guide to Daylight

Taping with Dr. Dobson at Family Talk

3 Replies

Sierra’s picture of the kids while they wait during our taping

Yesterday was an exciting day.  Well, I guess it’s fair to say we’ve had an exciting stretch of days but yesterday was exciting in a good way. 🙂

We had the opportunity to tape two radio broadcasts at Family Talk!  This is our second visit to Family Talk and I have to say – those folks are the “real deal”.  We always enjoy taping with Doctor, Ryan and LuAnne but yesterday was even more special because we got to take our kids.  Dr. Dobson took the time to greet each one and shake their hand – and we sat in his office with everyone and talked for a few minutes before pictures were taken and we headed off to tape two broadcasts.

The kids were invited into the control room to watch the taping but I have heard it was “boring” for the little ones 🙂 and so they went to a room that had been set aside for them to play in while we made some radio.

The topic of yesterday’s taping centered around marriage, which is something Jay and I are very passionate about. We also talked about homeschooling, the logistics of traveling in an RV with 9 people, what it means to really TRUST God’s leading in your life, making time for your spouse, putting kids “second” (yes, that’s right) and even had a little conversation about government.  It was interesting and I hope, encouraging. When we have an air date, I’ll be sure to let you know.

If you are like me, you spent your childhood listening to Dr. Dobson on the radio. It was a privilege to meet him and spend some time with his staff.  And in case you’re wondering,  I have to say, he is exactly like the voice you hear on the radio.  Gentle, humble, kind – wise. I hope you’ll take a moment to check out his new ministry, Family Talk, and listen in. Dr. Dobson’s heart and passion to see families strengthened and God’s people walk in the truth is just as refreshing now as it was in the 80’s.  I thank God for his ministry!

The Family Talk staff took lots of pictures, too – and I’m looking forward to seeing them!  As soon as we receive them, I’ll post them.

Meantime… here is what our life in Colorado Springs is centering around:

RV at the transmission shop in Colorado Springs, all sad and lonely without her “people”. 🙁

Thankful for opportunities to grow!

Heidi St John Guide to Romance

Heidi St John Guide to Daylight