Tag Archives: woman to woman

Remember My Chains – A Lesson From Paul

I grew up in the seventies and eighties. My grandparents sent us to a private Christian school (which I loved, by the way.)

The time that I was growing up was known for two things that I remember clearly. I say clearly because I’m sure there are many more things that I can’t remember! You know they say that with each child, you lose some brain cells. Seven times whatever … well you can do the math. It ain’t pretty.

In any case those two things that I remember are these:

I remember the excess of the 80’s – the Christmas tree was overflowing with gifts and everyone was trying to “one up” everyone else. Cars, houses, clothes. I don’t think it was because of my private school education, either. The same little competitions were happening on my cul-de-sac.

The eighties however came with some baggage from the seventies. And honestly, I think that “baggage” had been there for decades before. I can’t compare them of course but the baggage I’m referring to is this: we had a hard time saying what was “really” going on.

My grandparents, whom I loved dearly, we very tight-lipped about anything that seemed amiss in our perfect private-school family. And I don’t think it’s because they were afraid. I think it’s because of a misguided sense of care for us. Well, and fear. Okay, and pride. That too.

It’s funny how we think that by not sharing our weaknesses and struggles that others will somehow be encouraged by our example.

I was reading Colossians 4 in a quiet nook of my bedroom today. (Okay let’s be honest: it’s only truly quiet here at 6:30 a.m., so if you ever hear me say my house is quiet, assume it’s early in the morning.) Anyway, my heart was heavy. I struggled to read the Bible without being distracted or jumping ahead to make my list for the day.

In fact, I was pretty distracted until I read the very.last.verse of Colossians 4. Here’s what it says:

^”I, Paul, write this greeting in my own hand. Remember my chains.”

I was struck by the image of this man in chains for the sake of the gospel. But I was more struck by the fact that he was not trying to impress anyone with his “tough it out” attitude. And this was an apostle! He was a super-star for Christ, someone that was looked up to and admired by many.

I went back to the beginning of the chapter and discovered that Paul asked for help again and again. He told the truth. He didn’t put on a “brave” face and he didn’t try to keep his struggles a secret.

v. 3 – “pray for us, that God may open a door for our message”
v. 7 – “Tychicus will tell you all the news about me.”
v. 9 – “They will tell you everything that is happening here.”
v. 12 -“He (Epaphras) is always standing in prayer for you.”
v. 16 – Paul gives instruction to tell about his circumstances in Laodicea
v. 18 – “Remember my chains.”

Remember my chains. In other words, don’t forget me. I need your prayers.

It reminds me of the time I was struggling with a newborn who never slept. One night, I asked my dear friend to just please remember me at 2 a.m., 3:30 a.m. etc. I really thought that I might die from sleep deprivation if no one prayed for me!

When I look at Paul, it’s clear: prayer was essential to his life. Here was a guy that was truly suffering. And he didn’t care who knew it. Why? Because he knew that he needed to be undergirded. He knew he needed the prayers of his other brothers and sisters. I think it’s interesting that Paul didn’t seem to care what other people thought of his suffering.

That’s usually what hangs me up.

Paul knew there was power in prayer. So he asked for it. He told the truth. In so doing, he opened the door to what could have been wide-spread criticism.

I think he did so because he had his eyes on the bigger picture. He was trying to follow God. And he knew he needed prayer more than he needed to guard his pride.

The next time you have a chance to talk with a friend and you sense an opportunity to be real, take it. We need each other, busy moms.

Are you in pain? Is your marriage in need of prayer? Are you struggling with a strong-willed child? Wondering if you’re really cut out of this motherhood thing?

Then you’re in good company. Keep it real. Let’s pray for each other. The road is a long one. I say we travel it together and carry one-another’s burdens.

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up…” I Thessalonians 5:11

Marriage {Before} Mothering

73 Replies

Dear Heidi,

My husband is upset with me. We rarely talk anymore, except to discuss finances or other “necessary” things. He is a good father and a wonderful man. I’m trying to be a good mother and wife, but my husband says he feels neglected. I honestly can’t help it! I’m too tired at the end of the day for sex most days—and even though I try to explain how much energy it takes to parent our four children and keep the house in decent order, he doesn’t get it. I know we feel more like roommates than lovers these days. But I don’t know what to do about it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I really think my kids need my energy right now. After they are grown, my husband and I will have all the time we want together. My priority is our kids while they are little. How can I talk to my husband to help him understand this?”

You know, I get many letters like this each week. And I get it. Motherhood is demanding. It’s often 24/7, diapers, dishes and discipline. It’s enough to bring a woman to her breaking point. That’s part of the reason I’m so passionate about moms encouraging other moms. We need each other! Only a mother can truly understand the demands and pressures of another mother.

But here’s the thing: we can’t let motherhood rob us of one of life’s greatest blessings—and that’s a healthy marriage. I’ve often said that I believe the marriage comes before mothering. I’ve taken some heat for it, because some take that to mean that I don’t care about the kids. This is not the case. Here’s why:

The marriage is the primary relationship at home. Many moms believe that their children should come first; after all their husbands are grownups! I understand the reasoning behind this, but I believe it’s based in a misunderstanding of God’s design for marriage.

The intent of the mom who puts her children before her marriage is noble, but it lacks vision for the greater picture of a truly healthy family.

Have you ever heard a flight attendant as she instructs passengers before take off? She’ll say something like, “In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, SECURE YOUR MASK FIRST BEFORE ASSISTING YOUNGER PASSENGERS.” This is because everyone knows that if the parents pass out from lack of oxygen, the child is rendered defenseless in most cases.

Your marriage is a lot like this situation. Think of nurturing your marriage in the same way you might think of securing an oxygen mask to yourself and your husband. Breathe life into your marriage every day. Keep your marriage physically and emotionally healthy.

If we create a child-centered home to the neglect of our marriage and the marriage falls apart, or if we only give the marriage 50% of the oxygen it needs, the marriage will suffer. And the children of that marriage will suffer too.

So yes, love your children fiercely. Teach them. Discipline and train them. Nurture them.

But love your spouse FIRST. Your spouse should get the best part of you. Healthy relationships with our children flow out of healthy, thriving marriages. The best thing a busy mom can do for her children is to love their father.

Precious mom, take time to recharge your inner batteries. You need to have something left for your husband at the end of the day. Give yourself an hour of quiet time each day to shower, read, nap, or tidy up (if that’s what relaxes your heart and mind). I’ve been doing “quiet time” for years. Quiet time just means that the kids are either reading in their rooms or napping, or watching a movie quietly. The point is: do what you need to do to refresh your spirit. The days of mothering are long but the years go by fast. Be sure your marriage is thriving when your nest is empty.

The investment you make in your marriage today pay dividends far into the future. Your marriage is worth investing in!

~Love~

This is Who You Are, Day 3

2 Replies

I am complete in Him Who is the Head of all principality and power (Colossians 2:10).
I am alive with Christ (Ephesians 2:5).
I am free from the law of sin and death (Romans 8:2).
I am far from oppression, and fear does not come near me (Isaiah 54:14).
I am born of God, and the evil one does not touch me (1 John 5:18).
I am holy and without blame before Him in love (Ephesians 1:4; 1 Peter 1:16).

I love my kids. Our seven children range in age from 6 to 25 at the moment. Our oldest daughter and her husband have two beautiful little boys. That makes me *gasp* “Mamsi.” Our youngest daughter was an “aunt” at the age of three. I love that too. Sometimes I look at my children and I cannot believe how fast the years go by—but there are days when I have struggled to appreciate the gift I’ve been given.

Motherhood is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be, and it’s more demanding for sure. No one told me it was going to be so hard.

Many years ago, this truth was shared with me from another wise mother. She had raised her five girls and literally poured her life out to do it. When her last child left home, she was devastated. She battled depression and resentment. Her marriage suffered. Finally, at her husband’s request, she decided to do something that was just for her. She told me she wished she had done it years earlier. She began a small craft business and now, she’s enjoying a season of being a grandmother and an Etsy entrepreneur.

Her advice to me? “Do something to nurture your spirit while you nurture your children. Don’t wait until they’re grown.” .. and so, I began to write. Fifteen years ago I started writing a little column for our church newsletter. I loved it. It helped me think about something other than dishes and diapers. Eventually I wrote a book. Then another.

People sometimes ask me how I find time to write when I’m raising children. I don’t find time. I make it. Sometimes, it’s early in the morning. Sometimes it’s late. Truthfully? Writing is a joy for me. So I make time for it. Find your identity in being the woman God has created you to be. Part of your identity is found in motherhood. Where else is it found? What gifts has He given you? Do you like to organize? Teach? Sew? Write?

If you take time to nurture your spirit, even just a little, while your children are still growing, when they leave, you’ll find the transition will be easier.

Motherhood only lasts for a season. Some of us have longer seasons than others but in the end, motherhood is a journey worth taking.

Now excuse me. I hear hollering from the other room… I think the toddler is having an issue.
I am God’s workmanship, created in Christ unto good works (Ephesians 2:10).

This is Who You Are, Day 1

11 Replies

Not long ago, in a moment of desperation and frustration, I looked at my husband and lamented, “I live in a state of constantly disappointing someone!” That’s how I felt after forgetting to get back to one of my grown children about a coffee date while simultaneously being behind in everything from laundry to dinner prep.

And yes. I have helpers. That day the kitchen helper complained that her chores were too much, and one of my teens blurted something out about being “ruined” because of homeschooling. Super. Just what I didn’t need to hear. The devil knows exactly where we’re weak, doesn’t he?

I’d love to tell you that I reacted positively to these minor challenges, but I didn’t. I retreated to my room and hosted my own pity party, complete with a Netflix binge session and ice cream.

It felt good, actually. Forget those kids! They can make their own dinner tonight! For that matter, they can do it for the REST OF THEIR LIVES! Our ten year old poked her head into my room and observed that I was “in a bad mood.” She was right. I was.

“I’m just a mom!” I complained. I can’t keep up. Why am I even doing this? Who cares? It doesn’t matter anyway!!

Do you hear the lie? For those few hours that week, I forgot I was part of a battle.

I had forgotten that where mothers are concerned, the devil doesn’t need to change tactics very often. One of his favorite tactics is to tell mothers this simple lie, “You’re just a mom.” But here’s the truth: There’s no such thing as “just a mom.”

Many moms believe this lie because they don’t realize the implications it carries with it. If you are “just a mom,” then:

you are not part of a battle.
you are not capable of training warriors.
your role is insignificant.
it doesn’t matter if you are strong or not.
your role is replaceable.
your role is just for one generation.
your walk with God is not important.
the spiritual battle doesn’t include you.

Do you see? There is no such thing as “just a mom.” You are literally shaping the hearts and minds of an entire generation of children. Moms matter, and the devil knows it. This is why he works overtime to discourage Christian moms from taking an active part in the spiritual nurturing of their children.

We can’t afford to let Satan lie to us any longer. Too much is at stake. We’re dealing with more lies in this generation than in the past sixty years—and it’s time to put this one to bed for good.

You’re more than “just a mom.” You’re more than “ordinary.” You’re ordained for the kingdom purpose of raising your children to follow God. And “just a mom” can’t possibly do that!

Believe it today, and allow the power of the living God to rest on you.

Heidi St. John

Speaking the Truth in Love