A man designed my bathroom. I know it. How do I know this? Because a woman would never think to put a massive mirror right outside the shower door. I caught myself glancing in the mirror yesterday as I stepped out of the shower. I stopped for a moment and took in my reflection—something I don’t often do. I won’t lie—seven children and 44 years has taken a toll on my body. A wave of insecurity washed over me as looked in the mirror. I didn’t like what I saw.
Stretch marks. A lot of them. My legs show signs of aging. My tummy. Ugh. Don’t get me started. Things aren’t where they used to be. No doubt about it: I won’t be a cover girl for “Shape” magazine anytime soon.
God’s word echoed in my heart. “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”
In its time. (“My time has come and gone,” I thought.)
Believe me when I say I’ve had this conversation many times with my husband over our nearly twenty-five years of marriage. I’ve told him how embarrassed I feel at the sight of “me” and it’s turned into a classic “he said/she said,” because I’m here to tell you, Jay says that on this issue, he speaks for men in general—and he thinks we women have it wrong.
I’ve had the opportunity to talk with many men on this topic, as my husband and I often do marriage workshops together, and almost across the board, in healthy marriages (where porn, especially, is not an issue) women are grappling with a lot more than men wish we would.
The way we see ourselves as wives is a big deal to our husbands. We may see dimples on our thighs or sagging breasts—but they see thighs and breasts! It’s true!
Most husbands we’ve asked say that they don’t even notice the flaws in their wife’s body. They just want to be wanted! Women don’t have to be overweight to struggle with their self-esteem in this area, either. Some of the most beautiful women I know struggle to be intimate with their husbands because of—you guessed it—body image.
It’s a sensitive topic, isn’t it? I would venture to guess that I’m not alone in my struggle with the full-length mirror—but I’m learning something: It’s an intimacy robbing, joy-stealing lie, this belief that our husbands want us to look like the women we see gracing the covers of magazines.
Why why why is our culture so obsessed with being skinny? I’ll tell you why: because on some level, we believe it. We believe being skinny is the ideal, too.
I thank God for the perspective my husband brings to this tender topic, because he always brings me back to reality. He recently said, “Since when has it been unattractive to have hips? Since when does ‘attractive’ only fit inside a size 6 pair of pants?” God’s original intent was that we would be one flesh with our husband—without that shame and embarrassment that the world has put upon us.
The flip side of this, of course, is the woman who feels too skinny, too flat-chested or too “boyish” to be beautiful. Here’s a secret: a good husband doesn’t want you to be flawless; he wants you to want him. It’s true! Ask.
Are you enjoying the body God has given you? Are you finding joy, delight—and pleasure in your body when you are with your husband? If not, you’re missing out on something amazing.
Be encouraged today as you’re thinking about your relationship with your husband— especially if you struggle in this area. God’s design and intent for marriage is that the sexual relationship between a husband and wife would be a fulfilling one—not just for him, but for YOU!
I’ve written about this before and I’ll say it again— sex is about more than just making babies. Herbert Miles said, “God created the one flesh experience to be the most intense height of physical intimacy and the most profound depth of spiritual oneness between a husband and wife.” The sexual relationship that you have with your husband is precious.
Don’t allow the world to define it for you.
If you’re struggling in this area, here are five very simple, practical things you can do right now to begin to enjoy your body, flaws and all:
Communicate with your husband about how you’re feeling. Ask him for his perspective and let him know exactly what you are struggling with.
Be real with your girlfriends. My husband sometimes cringes when I tell him I’ve talked to my best girlfriends about intimate issues. “You talked to her about that?” My answer? “YES I DID! And she helped me gain a right perspective!”
Take care of your body. You only have one. Take care of it. You are worth 30 minutes of exercise a day. If you need to, get up earlier—but make this a priority. Eat right. You’ll feel better about your body when you like what you see.
Stop comparing yourself to others. We are all different. Different body shapes. Different figures. Be the best YOU that you can be.
Take a risk in the bedroom. Every woman’s idea of “risky” is different—but if you’re hiding under a flannel nightgown every night, it might be time to stop doing that. My hunch is that if you’ve got a good man, he’s going to love the idea of you… naked and unashamed … passionately in pursuit of his affections.
Enjoy your body! Love your husband—and let him love you.
You’re beautiful, busy mom—inside and out.
But what if he’s not interested in you? I’m not unfit……I struggle with self image, not because I don’t like what I see in the mirror, but because my husband doesn’t desire me. Not even seeing me naked turns him on. This is what he told me. Ever since then every
shred of confidence I had is gone. And I’m the one who usually has to initiate. He says it’s not because I’m ugly or boring. He says he feels useless. I feel useless too, and depressed. We are in our early thirties, with four children. Perhaps this shouldn’t bother me so
much, but I feel like it’s killing me.
shred of conference
Dear Anonymous,
I would love to talk with you. (donna.m.taylor@gmail.com) I feel very badly for your situation and I will pray for you. I know God can heal this.
Don’t give up. Love him and show him that you care for him and want him and need him. Ignore what he says and be joyful and have fun with him.
Know that you are loved and desired and that God gave your husband to you to love and desire you. And he will. And we will rejoice together over the miracle.
Call me. 203-926-1226
It should bother you but there is a lot hope with some work. I’m going to assume since you gave your age and # of kids that since you have been married there has been quite a few (or long) seasons without much sex. Sometimes as a protective barrier we males can become withdrawn and we are afraid to come out of our shell. I would suggest a 4 week challenge.
Week 1 – Pick two nights that you are going to make love to him. When you are done tell him how amazing that was and he took your breath away. Pick 1-2 nights where you can do shoulder to shoulder items like watch a movie, sporting event, TV or read a book. Pick 1 night where you have something to discuss that does not include kids, family, money or anything like that. We will do a book study, an article that we read or discuss the sermon (especially if your church provides questions).
Week 2 & 3- Try and make love 3 times this week. If you only did 1 night shoulder to shoulder try and make it 2 times. Continue with intimate discussions
Week 4 – You should be seeing a difference. Pick one night (depending on how easily you can communicate on the topic of sex) if you can easily then do it one night prior to making love – if its not easy then do it early in the week. Ask questions about what he likes sexually (you may have to drag it out and ask very direct questions). Then tell him things you like for him to do. Then ask him and tell him if there are things you would like to try.
If you don’t see a change or you get push back – I would recommend finding a Christian Marriage consuler who can help you fix your marriage.
It sounds like the real problem is not that your husband is not attracted to you but that he is struggling with his own self image. I find that if I am feeling useless, the best remedy is to find someone in need like at a nursing home, or a shut in. You could volunteer your time at a homeless shelter or countless other places where there is so much need. By doing this, you take your eyes off of yourself and put them on someone that is in a worse situation and make their life a little better. It works for me every time. You begin to feel very needed and useful. I wish the best for your family!
Thank you, Heidi! I struggle, too. (Though I’m not one to compare with others– my hangup is comparing myself to what I used to be, and not being happy with where I am now.) Even if I lost some unhealthy weight, I still need to accept the realistic journey of getting older, and remind myself that my husband doesn’t care about wrinkles and stretch marks. It’s funny because I don’t give a second thought to my husband’s graying, balding or wrinkling… I love him more than I ever have!! Why am I so hard on myself?? We can be so hard on ourselves.
This has been my conversation with my husband for a couple of years and with each of these events, he makes me feel more lovely! You’re so right! We see/think things of our bodies that our husbands don’t focus on!
My man told me two nights ago as we were going to bed, “Every time I lay next to you, I feel like we’re 20 again!”
*swoon! He wins my heart daily. He sees *ME*…all of me!!
Kela—I LOVE this. You’ve got a great man there. Hang on tight! xoxo
My husband does NOT simply accept me and love my body. There are conditions, and like another person said, those conditions affect confidence. I never struggled with self image until I met him (we have both been married before) and now there is no self image.
Unfortunately, not all men have the same perspective as your husband. Some husbands would like their women to get breast implants. What are your thoughts on this? I know I don’t want to, I feel it sends the wrong message to my children.
Hi RD. Since I don’t know the unique situation that is your marriage—I don’t feel I can do much justice to your question… but allow me to say a couple of things that are generalized. Beauty, real beauty, comes from inside. Husbands and wives who care about each other should be careful not to criticize the appearance of their spouse. It seems like you feel criticized by your husband’s request. If that’s the case, it’s something you’ll need to be open with him about. In the 26 years my husband and I have been married, we’ve had our ups and downs. My weight has gone up and down because of pregnancy, surgeries, etc. The best thing my husband has done for me during those times is to affirm that he loves me regardless of the sagging skin, stretch marks, “used” breasts :). Love is the ultimate motivator. The Bible teaches us that as married couples, our bodies belong to each other… and our love should flow out of a desire to treat our husband/wife with honor and respect. With that in mind, I believe that a decision like whether or not to get plastic surgery (of any kind!) should be a mutual decision. If you both want them, go for it 🙂 If not, it’s something to talk and pray about.
Thank you for your response!
I struggle with this daily. Sometimes I pull myself out of it and feel great, other times not so much. My husband has nothing but positive things to say, but sometimes it is still not enough for ME to feel worthy, He even told me he liked my tiger stripes on my hips! I cringed when I noticed my shirt had risen as I reached to the backseat to help a child. I’m not heavy anymore, but being flat chested after four kids, stretch marks, and sagging skin, sometimes it’s just hard to feel confident even when my husband seems happy.
The women in magazines and porn look the way they do because it turns men on, if they didn’t then those things would not be such big sellers. So how can I believe my husband finds me attractive after 5 babies. If less perfect bodies turned men on we’d see more of those in magazines and porn.
I think the big thing is to break down beauty/attractiveness in to two parts. Part 1 is the outward appearance which our society pays the most attention to. This is a one dimensional aspect just like a painting in an art gallery. As a male I can look at an attractive women appreciate the beauty God has given her and move one and not think about it again. Also, males are visual so we will notice attractive women but that does not mean we don’t find our wives the most beautiful women in the world. The reason is that those art pieces are just 1 dimensional where wives are 3 dimensional. The dimensions are being wanted by our wives (just as Heidi mentioned). Men derive a lot more than pleasure from being one with their wives (self-confidence, self-worth and happiness to name a few). The next dimension is the heart intimacy we share together over the years of marriage (history). To get a male to open up he has to feel needed, wanted and secure in your marriage bed. My wife can tell me all day long how much she loves me, needs me, etc and I feel more like a provider/friend. However, when she makes love to me I feel 20 feet tall and ready to do anything and it opens my heart. The last dimension is appearance. This is personally how I judge my beautiful wife, she is very attractive but that is not what makes her a 10 it is because God made her just for ME to share the ups and downs of life together, to raise our kids and to enjoy one another.
Wives tonight ravish your husband, make passionate love to him and then tell him how great it was and how it just gets better and better. Then watch him run through walls for you. Remember ladies – We men are simple creatures, Feed us, Make love to us and Love us no matter what and we will be yours forever.
Really helped clear some things up. Thanks for the response.
Yes and no. Yes, porn sells for a reason. But so does junk food and Coke. If you are habituated to real food, that stuff becomes less appealing. The appeal doesn’t go away: even health-conscious gourmets want to binge sometimes. But it is lessened, and the desire is trained more closely on what is really good, really attractive. As a husband, I can tell you that I am far less interested in the stereotypically attractive images the culture serves up than I used to be, and far more interested in my real, beautiful wife, the mother of my seven kids. It doesn’t mean my sexual drive or responsiveness is perfectly trained – definitely not! – but it’s real. It’s a beautiful thing for a man, to find that this part of himself that has always been so out of control, is actually getting “trained” onto the woman he loves. It’s something we want to tell our wives, and we desperately want them to hear and believe it, because it’s true.
That analogy was really helpful!
Great article and as a husband I agree 100%.
Men = simple creature for most part. Want us, feed us and give us a job to do and we will do what ever you would like and be yours.