“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:11-13
I looked in the mirror one day and laughed along with God. No joke. I laughed.
Why? Because I have seven kids, that’s why. And I think it makes God smile. Why? Because it’s me, that’s why. Me.
The woman who has to buy silk plants because I have a startling ability to kill both plants and small animals. (I boiled my fish to death in their aquarium when I was 14. True story. In my defense, the thermostat broke while I was at school. But still. I think I have PTSD from that episode.) God knew all about my anti-nurturing qualities and still, He saw fit to entrust me with seven precious lives. S E V E N beautiful pairs of baby feet. Made just for me and my husband by the God of the universe.
I think God is smiling at me right this minute, thinking about my dead fish and my silk plants—and those seven precious people who call me … MOM.
You see, God knows me. I’ve learned He knows me better than I know myself. He knows my name. I like to picture Him saying it … I listen for it. And I hear Him—in the stillness that comes with the morning light. I hear Him. “Heidi.”
Just.Like.That. Gentle, patient, like a father should be.
Like any good father, He knew I was terrified of motherhood. Terrified that I was destined to repeat a generational sin in my family. Terrified that I was not equipped to take care of a baby. Terrified that I would mess it up. And even more terrified to admit it.
My Father knew my fears as a young mother-to-be.
And He still knows them. {He’s good like that.}
Sometimes, Father lets me wrestle with a question. Sometimes, He sends an answer. Rarely early. Never late. I think He knows when I need an answer and when I can wait a while longer.
In September of 1991, I had a question that couldn’t wait. I needed an answer. Life hung in the balance. New life. I was a woman who was about to give birth. My fear of failing bubbled to the surface. My spirit struggled under the weight of an uncertain future.
He knows my name. He knows my name.
Could I do this? Really? Could I overcome my fear?
Just a few days before our precious first-born entered this world, I broke down. As I sat in the living room of a dear woman of God, I confided in her. I unpacked my fears. I told my story, and God sent me His answer through this precious friend. Rarely early. Never late. “I can’t do it!” I wailed. “I don’t know how! I don’t know how not to be angry.” It was all I had ever known, really. Anger.
He knows my name.
“Heidi, ” Nola said, “Why are you crying? God has made you new. You are a new creation! You are redeemed! Called by name. Loved. Set apart. You are not bound by your past. You.Are.New.”
He knows my name.
In that moment, I was set free. Free to be the woman God made me to be. Free to be the mother I wanted to be. That was nearly twenty-two years ago. Do I still battle with my fears? Yes. Do I struggle? Fall? Fail? Yes. But here’s the thing: I’m learning what it means to be truly free. Free to be imperfect. Free to ask for help. Free to mess things up. To ask for grace —grace to be the woman God sees when He looks at me.
He knows my name.
He knows your name too, precious mom. He knows your fears—He’s seen your failures.
And He loves you.
You can trust Him with those. Lean hard into His arms. He can hold you up.
He knows your name. Can you hear Him saying it? Look up. Listen. He knows your name.
Thank you for this.
Heidi- I struggle with this, I’ve sat and cried on that stupid bathroom floor over and over again. All ive known is brokenness growing up and while I’m thankful that God says He loves me and sees me I struggle to believe that. Most of my prayers go unanswered I’ve prayed for God to send me a friend to encourage me someone to say hey! Let’s do lunch only to be filled with disappointment of serious attempts of me reaching for friendships. For 19 years I’ve reached out time and time again. I’ve thought o maybe I need to make sure I encourage others which I make sure I do but I receive no friendships in return. I’m involved in small group, children’s church, woman’s groups , but never form any real relationships. I can remember begging God for someone to call because I was so depressed and getting a text from someone out of the blue saying “Hi ” inviting me over and thinking God heard me only to receive a following text saying that they had accidentally texted me and it was for someone else.. that person didn’t know I was sitting there balling my eyes out for friendship God did. I just felt like it was some horrible joke. Its painful to beg for relationships. its painful to think that this is Gods plan for me to be alone without any meaningful relationships. I just don’t understand. I’m not mom strong doing this life on my own, I’m depressed and angry, and exhausted trying to help and encourage everyone else.
Kelly,
I read your post. I am truly sorry to hear that you have been dealing with this and for so many years. Friendships are truly hard.
I can’t say I know exactly all that you have been through and that you are currently going through. I’ve known God my entire life, but I didn’t realize who Jesus really was until about 9 years ago. Since that time, my friends have been fading away. Many people don’t like the changes in me (which in my mind seems ironic because I lead a sinful life and now I am trying to not sin). They don’t like me drawing closer to Jesus and away from the old life.
Over the years I have realized many times that I may have been a not-so-nice friend and done inconsiderate things to others. Becoming a believer has opened my eyes. Hopefully those who have done inconsiderate things to you will realize the things they have done and change their ways as to not hurt you or anyone else in the future. We are human and unfortunately all sin, whether we recognize it or not.
Almost three years ago my husband and I went through multiple tough situations back to back. During that time our marriage almost ended and we lost our child when I was 22 weeks and 6 days gestation. We had two children already. Our church family at the time didn’t help like we thought they would. We were really struggling. We eventually stopped going to church all together. The friendships from there faded away too. This made me really sad because these were my new friends since I had become a believer in Jesus. Even though I reached out and tried to get together it just never worked. I was hurt and angry towards many individuals there who just didn’t reach out a helping hand during this really tough time. I know I played some role too, but I was still frustrated.
When I look back at that time until now, I feel like God is leading our marriage and family to a new place and I have to let go of the old things and old relationships. It does hurt, but I need to let God direct me to where he wants me to go. Even as I have reached out again to a couple of friends recently and things didn’t work out, I feel God telling me again to let go. Let God lead me to a new place. So even with not reconnecting with these friends again recently I feel it is easier to just let it go and let God lead. Let him take the steering wheel of my life, even if it doesn’t make any sense.
I hope this helps you in someway. Just know that God loves you and He cares for you. Maybe He is leading you to something new – a new church, ministry, activity, etc. Maybe through a new area He has you involved in you will meet a new friend or two. I have had to learn to let go of everything and give it over to God and He will arrange it the way He wants. That may mean i have friends and maybe it means I won’t. I ultimately need to lean on Him and keep Him first. Right now my husband and I literally have no friends, unless we include ourselves, kids and family (not all of them are believers in Christ, so that sometimes can be uncomfortable). I am trusting God that He knows what is best of me right now. He is working on my heart to change me into the woman He wants me to be.
God will bring around the right relationships in time. Please trust Him. Keep praying to Him daily. If you are able to get on your knees in your closest and cry out to Him. He does hear you. He answers in many different ways. Don’t give up! 🙂 I’m praying for you!
Kelly,
I think you just wrote my story! I’m trying to figure out how to draw close to God and make that relationship work because it’s not and I’m seeing a pattern. Thank you for sharing.