Tag Archives: motherhood

Busy Seasons and Weary Souls

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Busy Seasons and Weary Souls TBM

We’ve just come out of a very busy season for our family. I know there is an ebb and flow to life, but it’s starting to feel like our “busy” seasons are all running together. It’s all a blur.

There was a video going around Facebook of several older ladies saying what they would do differently, if they had “time” back again. They mostly spoke about doing less and “being” more. I actually found it quite irritating.

I’m a mom of eight kids, a nana to 3 grandbabies, and we are in our 20th something year of homeschooling (I don’t even remember). There’s a whole lot of “doing” involved in being a wife and a mom and as I’m watching this video, I’m thinking to myself, “Sure, let’s add ‘just be’ to my never ending checklist!”

I think that’s what happens in a “busy” season. Everything becomes about doing and “being” only happens when we just can’t do one.more.thing. I find myself curled up in the fetal position, mumbling, while the kids whisper amongst themselves and throw things at me to see if I will snap out of it.

And then there’s guilt. As much as we hate it, guilt seems to be our constant companion as moms.  We feel guilty when we are too busy. We feel guilty when we aren’t busy enough.

And so I find myself at the end of my rope. Again. I can’t help but wonder if that’s where God wants me. I don’t ever intentionally go there.  That would be dumb.  But somehow I find myself there A.LOT. Especially in busy seasons.

And yet, what does God say about weariness? He says, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28,29) He is the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort…He can do for us what no one else can and He is able and willing to meet us in our moments of need.

He also says, “Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”( Isaiah 40:30,31) He is just as faithful to all of his promises on our very worst day as he is on our very best day.

God doesn’t clearly tell us in his Word what is too much or too little when it comes to busyness. That’s something we each have to walk out with him. What He does tell us though, is that He wants us to be about HIS business…His agenda. In other words, to be led by the Holy Spirit. And when I find myself craving success, control, comfort, pleasure, and material things more than what He wants to do in my life, it’s probably time to step back and re think my priorities.

In other words, is my busyness causing my soul to starve?

If Jesus is truly Lord of my life, I need to make him Lord of my minutes, hours, days and weeks. Because all of those flow into years and become my story. And I want my story to be HIS story.

Now please excuse me while I go unclog the kitchen sink.

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Do you struggle with being too busy? How do you help keep it under control?

How To Steal The Joy Out Of Motherhood – A Few Tips

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How To Steal The Joy Out Of Motherhood TheBusyMom.com

This summer I experienced a pretty tough awakening. I’ve spent the past few years running the motherhood race, trying to be the perfect mom – and I totally lost grasp of the kind of mom God designed me to be. Go figure, His plan is better than mine ever will be. And I love that, I love that when we find our peace we realize that it IS in fact what God meant for you all along. The peace I thought I wanted, that I tried to achieve through actions and works – just left me drained, sad, and made me feel really disconnected from my kids. I didn’t like it. So I stopped “doing” and just started “being”.

Over the course of working through this in my heart, I jotted down a list of ways to steal the joy right out of motherhood. I’m list maker, and a bit sarcastic – so silly lists often help jolt me back into line.

How to steal the joy right out of motherhood

1. Plan your kid’s schedules to the “t”. That’s right, allocate 3 minutes to brushing teeth (that includes cleanup), 5 minutes to making the bed, 4 minutes to getting dressed, and 15 minutes to eating breakfast. And when they don’t measure up to your outline, freak out.

2. Overload their schedules with activities. Make sure they are signed up for tap, ballet, and jazz. And don’t leave it there, make sure they are signed up for swimming, soccer, football, and baseball. Make sure their schedules are jammed packed all week long. Convince them that in doing this, they’ll become “something” in the future. So when they don’t do this they’ll think they will never amount to anything.

3. Plan out their future, and don’t let them have a say. When your three-year-old says they want to be a dentist when they grow up, make sure you constantly remind them of that. Don’t let them explore other ideas or careers. Don’t let them know that you’ll support them and encourage them, no matter what they choose to do in their professional life. Make sure you let them know that you’ll be disappointed if they don’t choose to be a dentist.

4. Compare yourself to other moms, constantly. Make sure you live up to their standards, or at least what you perceive their standards are. You know that mom you see every time you head off to the park?  She’s always in her cute workout clothes taking a jog around the neighborhood. But you’re stuck entertaining your kids. Why can’t you do that? Call the sitter, don’t spend that time with your kids. Head out for that run so you can be the perfectly fit mom.

5. Criticize yourself daily. Make sure you remind yourself of your failures, daily. The harder you are on yourself, the more likely you are to change those bad habits. Make that list of everything you need to change about yourself, so you can be just like that mom who lives down the street. You know, the one whose garden is always super cute, who always dresses so nicely, whose kids are always so well behaved, whose husband is always raving about her dinners, who always has time to make it to the salon every week, who is always so cheerful and perfect. That mom. That’s the one you want to be like.

There you have it. Five simple ways to steal the joy right out of motherhood. That should do it, right?

Hey momma, you know what? We are all too hard on ourselves. Way to hard. And I think it does start from a good part in our hearts – our massive love for our kids. We adore these little people so much, we just want to be the best mom we can be. We want to encourage them to be the best people they can be. We want to give them the perfect life, because we love them that much.

And then we take it too far.

You know what? YOU are all they need. The life you can give them, and are able to give them daily – is the life they need. Not some made up version of bits and pieces of what we perceive to be perfect. They need you. Your hugs, you love, your cuddles, and your smiles. There is a reason God choose you to be their mama. Because you have exactly what that child needs. When we turn to anything but Him for guidance, for advice, for direction – we are steering off the path He meant for us to walk.

That’s when it becomes draining, dreadful, exhausting. That’s when we begin to feel like we are failing. Because you know what?? We cannot fail when we are walking the path He has laid out for us. It’s impossible because His plan is perfect. It always has been, and always will be.

What we perceive as failure, He sees as drawing us in, closer to Him.

It’s okay if your kids see you with crazy mom hair all day, because that’s real. That’s you. And I could probably bet that they don’t notice it the way you do. To them, you’re just their mama who cares for them and loves them endlessly.

It’s okay if you have a few extra pounds on you, slow and steady is the best way. You don’t need to load up on the workouts and neglect your time with your kids. Consistency is key, and if that means your only option is to be consistent for 3 years before you reach your goal, then that’s okay. Because during that time you are being the mom your kids need you to be, you are taking care of your health, and you will look back three years from now feeling great. Thinking “wow! I did it, and I didn’t miss a beat with my kids.”

WE cannot change who we are, we cannot become someone else. But we can make the most of our situation. WE can choose to be intentional, purposeful, and make the most of it all. You are you because God made you this way. Don’t try and do what everyone else is doing, and don’t kick yourself for not achieving what someone else is. Yes, it’s cool to watch sometimes, and appreciate what others are – but embrace yourself, right where you are. Turn it over to Him and let Him lead your path.

Roosevelt once said: “Comparison is the thief of Joy”

It is. Let’s stop comparing ourselves to other mamas. Let’s stop comparing ourselves to other women, wives, or whoever it is you are comparing yourself to. When we do this we are comparing ourselves to a false perceived perfection. We only see the surface of the reality, not the heart of it.

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“Just wait until…” {three words to consider}

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There are few words that can leave me feeling more defeated, fearful, and weary than these 3 following: “Just. wait. until.”

Oh, there’s nothing in the actual words.  Someone could be saying, “Just wait until you’re married, it’s so amazing!”

“Just wait until you feel that baby move, it’s such a cool feeling.”

Quite honestly though, that’s not usually the experience I have when I’m hearing these 3 words.

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Far too often, I find myself in conversations hearing these words with individuals in various stages of life ahead of myself, and it is usually more along the lines of “Just wait until they are teenagers, you think they are hard now?”  or “Oh sweetie, just wait until they do ____.”  And on goes the conversation that puts dread in me for the future. The intention is not always bad, and I’m sure the heart of these people is not to beat me down.  Nonetheless, as a mom of young kids, if I’ve just been vulnerable enough to confess that I’ve been angry at my kids, telling me to “just wait until…” is quite honestly, incredibly unhelpful for several reasons.

  1. It invalidates others’ feelings.
    Hindsight often shows us that past struggles were not as horrible as they seemed when we were in the midst of them. Sometimes we see that they were in fact just as difficult as we thought at the time, but in looking back we can see the work that God has done in our lives and hearts as He walked us through our trials.  Either way, the trials God allowed us were just that: trials!  So when we are in conversation with others that are a few years “behind us” in a life phase, minimizing their situation is a devastating way to invalidate their very real emotions and current struggle.  Don’t miss the opportunity to love and encourage a hurting friend in their struggle by invalidating their feelings.
  2. It does not bring encouragement or hope for the future.
    As a mom of one baby, I remember the overwhelming difficulty of figuring out what bothered my son’s tummy so badly that he threw up everything he drank.  It seemed like an insurmountable challenge.  I’ve now had 3 babies, my oldest is 6, and now the challenge is how to break the habit of an argumentative response to everything I say.  It’s different.  And yes, in some ways it is harder, and stretches me more.  But it doesn’t mean my new baby challenge wasn’t a challenge. And for me to go to a new momma struggling with a fussy baby and communicate that it only gets worse is a sure way to crush any hope for the great things that the future has to bring!  Sure, there is “different” hard in having 3 kids than when I only had one baby, but it wasn’t “less” hard, just different.  Let’s choose words that cast vision for the great things that are to come, not to instill dread in the hearts of our friends.
  3. It takes away from the message of God’s grace we could be sharing.
    I don’t know about you, but when I have a friend who repeatedly tells me to “just wait,” I’m much less likely to go to that individual for wisdom or solidarity!  What if instead of a “just wait until” approach we could say, “I completely remember how hard that was.  But look how God met me there!”?  What an amazing effect on our friendships and our mentoring relationships we could have if we could set our minds on communicating the grace that HE has given us instead of the struggle there was in the moments.

There is always someone in a phase behind us, and someone in a phase ahead.  Let’s try to remember the difficulties we’ve had in the past and be faithful to share who HE is and what HE has done in our lives as we talk to each other. Let’s choose to just wait until we see what the Lord will do as we encourage one another!

Will You Be The Mom Who Refuses to be Sidelined?

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Something sad and fascinating is happening to parents in this post-modern era. We’re being lied to. We’re being told that we aren’t necessary—and what’s worse, many moms today are buying the lie! After all, they say the “village” can do it better.

Slowly but surely society is shutting parents out. Moms today are being told that elementary school aged kids can make their own decisions on everything from birth control to which gender they want to be. What used to be regarded as a parent’s responsibility is now seen as an infringement on the child.

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Simple tasks like looking at my 13 yr old’s medical records now require effort and persistence and even permission from my 13 year old. If we want to stay in the race and finish it we must refuse to be sidelined. MomStrong moms possess a willingness to endure rather than become a passive onlooker in the lives of their children.

When the world says “give up” or “it’s not your business,” I challenge you to stand up for the sake of your child. Go ahead and risk being annoying. Be the mom who knows the names of your child’s friends. Be the mom who asks the hard questions and loves unconditionally.  Be the mom who refuses to be sidelined and instead guides her child through every stage of growing up, including adolescence.

Your children don’t need the government or the school system to teach them about the big things in life, they need their parents.  Moms, you are stronger than they say you are. You are more capable and more invested. You’re your children’s mother, and kids today need their mothers to be all-in.

They need the wisdom and love of their parents, and they need a mom who is one hundred percent invested.

Be that mom!

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Finding a Work-Life Balance as a Work-at-Home Mom

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I’m exhausted.

I might even go so far as to say — weary. And the trouble is, I’ve brought about the weariness all on my own.

For the past several years, I have been a work-at-home, homeschooling mom. My work has evolved over those years, from blogging and social media to book launches and writing an eBook. There have been wonderful opportunities and amazing lessons learned. As my experience and reputation grew, so did the project and job offers. I will admit I have had trouble setting boundaries and saying no. These were good people who needed help or encouraged me to write. I love helping others. I enjoy being told I’m indispensable.

But in recent months, there have been new lessons. Lessons about what happens within your own four walls when your family falls behind your work on your list of priorities. Lessons about  what happens to your already compromised health when you don’t make the time to take care of yourself. I am learning lessons about what happens to a life out of balance.

I didn’t see it coming, really.  One day, I was waltzing through my days, feeling successful in all areas, and then the weariness came. It felt sudden, but it wasn’t. The lack of balance snuck up on me. It came from a place of integrity — a desire to succeed by working hard for the folks counting on me. It came from a desire to work as unto the Lord. It hit me like a lead balloon. The people for whom I should have been working the hardest, the ones who really counted on me – they were the ones I was pushing aside.

There’s an old saying: “An entrepreneur is someone who will work sixteen hours a day to keep from working eight hours for someone else.”

This has come to describe me. In my old life as a registered nurse, I loved my work and made a decent income, but my schedule was not my own. As my son grew older and needed me home more, working for myself, from our home, became a more attractive option. I knew I would need to work hard to build a solid reputation in a business that is booming with bloggers trying to get a foot in the door. I was willing to do the work. I just didn’t realize that I would sink into those 16-hour days.

I never intended for things to get so out of control, so out of balance.

I knew that many moms chose to work at home to have more time with their family and then find out they’re spending less and less time with the people who are most important to them. I was aware and on the look-out, but it happened to me anyway.

Are you a work-at-home-mom? My best advice to you is this:

Don’t let your work cost you your family.

Finding a Work-Life Balance as a Work-at-Home Mom

So, how do you find a balance between work and other aspects of your life? I have been searching my own heart for answers to that question. And over the past several weeks, I have been making the needed sacrifices work-wise to get everything back into proper balance.

Here are a few lessons I have learned.

Make sure you have the support of your husband and children.

I’ve known a few moms who decided they wanted a work-at-home job to have a little extra spending money. There’s nothing wrong with that, but especially if your income isn’t necessary for the life of your family, be sure your husband is on board. You’re going to need his support at times. Whether your job is necessary for your family or not, be sure your husband and children understand that your job is your job. It’s how you help provide housing, food, clothes, or extras for the family. You’re not playing on Facebook or chatting with friends on the phone. Let them know your needs and expectations, while being sensitive to their requests. They need you, too.

Set office hours and stick to them.

This is hard, but to keep a proper balance between work and family you need to spend time with your family. I literally got to a place where I was logging on to my laptop as soon as I got up in the morning, and logging off just before bed. I don’t recommend that for anyone. Now I have set office hours (and only 4 hours per day). Decide what times you’ll be working and when you’ll stop. This may need to be adjusted for special projects, but for the most part, stick to your schedule. If you want to add a new project, make sure you have time within your set office hours to work on it. If you don’t, then my advice would be to either give up something else you wanted to do, or say no to the new project. If you keep adding things on, you’ll wake up one day realizing you’re working 15 hours a day. I speak from experience.

Try to have a space set up that is for work only.

If you can set up a home office away from the common areas of your home, do so. When you walk away, leave the work behind for the day. Don’t take your laptop into the family room and work. When you’re with your children and your spouse, give them your complete attention. Learn to be in the moment with them, not just a pair of eyes occasionally peeking over the top of the computer screen.

Work at Home Mom Home OfficeEnlist the help of your family when needed.

If you have a special project coming up that is taken extra time, explain it to your family in advance and ask for their help in letting you complete the project undisturbed. If you have older children, hire them to help care for the younger children (and pay them a fair wage) when you need extra time.  Offer a reward for helping more with chores like cooking meals and laundry. Your children are less likely to resent your time away from them if they feel a part of what you are trying to accomplish. And please, make sure these special projects are few and far between, not your normal.

Don’t procrastinate.

There’s nothing worse than having a few weeks to work on a project and then waiting until the last minute to get started. You’ll snap at your husband and children about how you have to get your work done, but the truth is it’s your fault for waiting so long.

Keeping your appointments with your husband and children is as important as the ones with your clients. If you say you’re going to take the kids on a field trip or to the movies, then do so. When you tell your husband you’re going to hire a babysitter and go out for date night, then follow through. They’ll understand an occasional emergency, but if you make a habit of cancelling on them, they’ll quickly learn they are not your main priority.

Finding balance between your family and your work must be your top priority. Always remember what’s most important, and make the choice to not get so bogged down in day-to-day details of your work that you can’t take time to enjoy life with your family. There is no job worth that.

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When You Don’t Feel Strong as a Mom

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A few years ago, I had the privilege of meeting Arlene Pellicane in Little Rock. We were both there to record broadcasts with Family Life Today. We didn’t have more than a meal together but let me tell you, this woman has passion!  I think her new book will be a blessing to our awesome readers here at The Busy Mom—so we’re doing a giveaway!

Arlene has a new book out called 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom.  We’re giving away a copy to a Busy Mom reader, so read through to the end for more on the book and details on how to enter!

There’s a wonderfully inspiring story in Judges 6 about an unlikely warrior: Gideon.

Believe it or not, you probably have something in common.

The Lord tells Gideon to “go in the strength that you have” and Gideon replies, “How can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.” Instead of being the best of the best, Gideon was pointing out he was the worst of the worst.

Can you relate with Gideon? Instead of feeling like you were born from a long line of happy, healthy moms, maybe you come from a dysfunctional family. Broken doesn’t begin to describe it. Yet God delights in working powerfully through weak people; people like Gideon, Rahab and Ruth to name a few people from the Bible.

Don’t let your past family life determine your present family life. You have your own story to write.

I remember when I had my first child, Ethan, I had no idea how to hold a baby. I could put my hands under his little armpits and pull him in close. That was about it. Some of my friends who weren’t even moms seemed so much more comfortable holding my little lump, turning him upside down and right side up and cradling him like a football.

I wasn’t equipped with baby know-how or born with natural instincts. I was just hoping not to drop him! I had a lot to learn. Going in the strength that we have means coming as we are. God doesn’t expect you to be like the culinary mom on your left or interior decorator mom on your right. He wants you to come as you are with all your strengths and weaknesses, and with a willing heart to learn.

The good news is that God will surround you with people who can help you as a mom if you will let them. When Noelle was about three, she would throw a fit every time I tried to wash her face. She’d jerk to the left and right, squirm and complain. It drove me nuts. But when my husband James washed her face, she was perfectly still. She almost tilted her head back angelically while he washed her face with ease.

One day, I humbled myself and asked James, “How do you get Noelle to do that? She’s never still for me.” James replied, “Oh, it’s easy. Noelle knows she can get away with that with you. But she knows I won’t stand for it.”

Of course, my first reaction was, “Well, LA-DEE-DA for you!” But as I thought it over, I knew he was right. There was no fooling around with daddy. So, the next time we were at the sink, I went on the offensive with my new found strength.

“Noelle, from now on, you will treat me like you treat daddy when we’re at the sink or else you will be disciplined.” She pushed me, I gave her the discipline, and our sink struggle ended after a few encounters just like that.

Part of becoming a mom warrior is humbling yourself and learning from others (ouch…even from your husband).

Say it out loud today: I am a mighty warrior mom because of Christ!

Arlene

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Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom and 31 Days to a Happy Husband. She is also the co-author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World (with Gary Chapman). She has been a featured guest on the Today Show, Fox & Friends, Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, The 700 Club, and Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah.
Arlene lives in the San Diego area with her husband James and their three children.
To learn more and for free family resources such as a monthly Happy Home podcast, visit ArlenePellicane.com.

Happy Mom cover

Does it ever seem like you’re taking orders from your children instead of the other way around?

In this encouraging, eye-opening book, you’ll discover how to lead your home effectively…and happily.  Arlene has interviewed numerous happy mom experts like Kendra Smiley, Fern Nichols, Dannah Gresh, Karen Ehman, and Laura Petherbridge.

Organized in short chapters that even the busiest mom can read, you’ll become more:

H – Healthy
A – Action-Oriented
P – Prayerful
P – Perseverant
Y – Yes-Filled

The book includes a “Happy Mom Discussion Guide” to enhance your personal study or for a group study.

Raising Kids to Depend on Jesus

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Raising Kids to Depend on Jesus

 

My neighbor Dave died today.

At 87 years old, his mind was sharp as a whip, despite his ever weakening body.

My husband and I spent some time with him in the hospital recently during one of his many visits over the past few months.  Dave was cheerful, sharing the Gospel with anyone who would listen, handing out tracts that he would order by telephone – even from his hospital bed.

After the doctors and nurses left the room, he shared with us for what must have been the 100th time since we became neighbors some 20 years ago, about his life.   These stories often included sad stories of heart ache.

His mother was institutionalized for depression and possible schizophrenia when he was just three years old.  Dave and his brother were sent to live with their grandparents in rural Michigan.  Dave’s time living with his grandparents were probably some of the happiest days of his life.  Or maybe they were just some of my favorites;   stories of church picnics, outdoor shenanigans with his brother and the simplicity of farm life.

When Dave was about 12 or 13 and was becoming too much for his aging grandparents to handle, he was sent back to the city to live with his father and his father’s new wife.

That was a hard transition for a young man who had had everything done for him for so long.  Rejected by his step mother and a source of irritation to his father, Dave eventually joined the Navy, served in WWII, came home and married.

After bearing 2 children, his wife fell in to a cycle of depression and mental illness that lasted her entire life.  She was unable to care for her children or her husband and sweet Dave, in many ways still a boy himself, picked up the reigns and ran his family on his own as best as possible.

Years later, retired, widowed and alone, Dave spent many an afternoon at our house, sharing a cup of tea and reminiscing of days gone by.  There was always a deep sadness as he told his stories, but he always ended by recalling God’s hand in his life.

I can’t help thinking of Dave as a boy, just as my boys are running through our home today.

I can’t help but thinking that, as moms, we have incredible power to affect our children’s future.

Here’s the thing.  Dave knew Jesus.  He was brought to church and his loneliness drew him to know his savior.  When the turns of his life let him down, when his mother and father failed him, his wife failed him, even his children failed him – God never did.

When we’re in the midst of babies and sleep deprivation, new marriages and new challenges, it is hard to see the end from the beginning.  Who can imagine their toddler as a confused 12 year old moving to a new state to live with a father he never knew, or as a 40 year old father of 3 with a mentally ill wife or as an 87 year old man with broken dreams and little worldly success to show for his time on earth.

Here’s the thing. Our kids may have all the best toys and clothes.  Our kids may have all the best opportunities, get in to the best colleges and have the best jobs. But without a dependence on God – it’s all for nothing.

Raising Kids to Love and Depend on Jesus

  1. Pray for them.  Pray with them.  Pray without ceasing.  Pray that they would have a supernatural love for God’s Word.
  2. Model a love for God’s Word.  Read it.  Teach from it in the Deuteronomy 6 way – as you sit, walk, rise and rest.  Share with them what God is showing you through His Word and how He is working in your life.
  3. Use times of discipline as a time for discipleship.  Our kids’ character issues are an opportunity to show them that they NEED a savior, that they can’t do it on their own.  Teach them to pray and ask Jesus to help them.  Then, when they experience success, stop to thank Jesus for helping them!
  4. Show them your dependence on God.  We all fail everyday.  Show your kids what a repentant and humble heart looks like.
  5. Don’t be afraid when your children experience trials.  Handled properly, our trials draw us nearer to God. Much like a fever acts for our good by killing an overgrowth of bacteria or a potent virus, trials purify us (and our kids) and draw us into a deeper dependence on God.  If you can’t help but worry, refer to number 1 above!

During this season of back to school, sports, classes and clubs and all of the accompanying pressures and demands – remember Dave.  Remember that the most important thing you can do for your child as you prepare them to go out into the world is to show them and teach them a love and dependence on Jesus!

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