We’ve all been warned: Parenting teens is very different than the elementary years and it is NOT for the weak spined. The saying, “Little kids wreck your house and big kids wreck your mind” sounded so heartless and cold…until I found myself in a puddle on the floor after our first real conflict with our teen, not really sure what exactly had just happened. Reeling with emotion, I felt beat down, under condemnation and wondering why God thought it was a good idea to give me eight kids.

We have raised 3 kids through the teen years, and they still like us in spite of all the times we’ve messed up. We currently have 4 teens in the house and I am finding myself with a different perspective on this season of parenting.

I want to share with you what I wish someone would have shared with me so many years ago: parenting teens looks more like coaching than anything. There is that occasional situation that requires us to simply “be the parent”, but, more often than not, it looks like encouraging, being their biggest fans, and asking lots of intentional questions in hopes they will start to “own” their own lives. These questions should encourage our teens to think about the decisions they are making and give them the freedom to express their thoughts in a safe environment…even if they seem to make no sense to us. I’ve often found that when it seems like their reasoning is senseless, there is far more going on than meets the eye…something they haven’t identified yet…an insecurity, fear, etc. This is why asking questions with the right spirit is so vitally important and that’s much easier to do if we take on more of a coaching role.

What does that look like? What characteristics make a GOOD coach?

A coach is student of his players. He watches to learn what their strengths and weaknesses are, because unless he knows his players, he doesn’t have the information he needs to help them reach their full potential.

A coach cares deeply, has a goal plan in mind and works toward that. It’s about being intentional, but also flexible. He is willing to adjust to fit the personality, strengths and weaknesses of the players, but also challenging them to push beyond their comfort zone without exasperating them.

He encourages with a positive attitude and enthusiasm, inspiring them to “own” their responsibility in the game and to be a team player (being others-oriented). He provides direct, yet encouraging feedback. He reinforces key messages and acknowledges success. . He is consistent in his expectations. He is tough when necessary, but also tender when needed.

These are some good things to try and remember, but keep in mind, NO parent does all of these perfectly. We are imperfect parents with imperfect kids. Every last one of us desperately needs a Savior and that’s where the grace of the gospel comes in. “His grace is sufficient for us, His power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Cor. 12:9)  I can’t tell you how many times I have blown it with our teens. It’s required me to humble myself and ask forgiveness from our kids and God many, many times, but I’ve found that His grace covers more than I ever thought possible.

The enemy will work HARD to discourage us as we parent/coach through the teen years, but I want to remind you (and me) that because of what Jesus did, “There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because the law of the spirit of LIFE has set you free from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:1)

Let’s walk in this freedom and be a living example to our kids of what the gospel looks like in REAL life. It will speak more loudly to them than any form of “effective” parenting.