But What About Socialization?
I took another question from a parent today who is afraid that home schooled children are not going to know how to get along in the “real world.”
I gotta say, I’m amazed that the “socialization” question ever comes up anymore when it comes to homeschooling. It’s curious to me that the tables are not turned the other way. I’m wondering why we’re not asking the schools to defend the “socialization” that’s happening on playgrounds, on school busses and in the hallways of our local schools.
That’s what we should be talking about.
That is a good point. Somehow that is a taboo thing. I guess most people would say, “that does not happen in my school(or my kids/or on my kids’ bus)”
When we are out and about, I get so many comments on. “Wow! are your kids homeschooled? they have such amazing manners and speak with adults wonderfully.”
I think socialized needs to be redefined.
I am in shock at the school systems ability to churn out people who can barely function to speak to some one that is not their age group or a family member. Most of them are so intimidated.
Good thought Trish! Let’s redefine it!
It is curious. I think the whole socialization question deals more with ‘will my child miss out on opportunities and experiences that I hold so dear from my childhood?’ They know that home educated children are successful (via homeschool publications and media reports, ad nauseaum), and that our kids play/engage/interact quite normally. It’s the ideal that they long for: the joy of a decorated classroom, the smell of the cafeteria or new crayons, the excitement of a first dance, or whatever they cherish from their own experience of school. I’ll admit that I get school bus envy every fall. But after 16 years of staying the course, the diesel smell turns foul by October as I see kids stressed out over pointless homework, relationship drama splattered all over Facebook (in horrible grammar from ‘advanced placement’ students), and parents & kids apart for 80% of their waking hours (and it shows). It is a shame we can’t question the machine, but I’ll take the relationship I have with my kids with our non-traditional choices any day.
Couldn’t agree more, Melanie!
Well said!
Melanie,
Exactly! The smells, the colors, the experiences that can only happen at school is what I feel like my children will miss out on. However, I then think of all the horrible experiences that they will miss out on as well, and how special memories are different for everybody. Rather than having a locker at school, my kids can open their own bank account and learn to write checks before they are 12! (something I didn’t experience till I was 20)Or go with our homeschool group on fieldtrips that will make wonderful memories for them. It’s all in your perspective.
Well said Melanie!
Very true! I agree completely.
You’re absolutely right, Melanie: nostalgia is fondly remembering a time and place we’d never willingly go back to. I think our friends who don’t homeschool may feel like we’re saying everything about public school is awful, including the friends we’ve made and the positive experiences. But that’s not it at all; it’s that the cons outweigh the pros now. In fact, they started to in the 1970s, but few people really took their kids out of public school to home educate them then.
I think some people, when they hear “homeschool,” think the parents are doing “school at home” – keeping their kids sitting in a desk for 6 or 7 hours a day, like kids are in public school. And some parents do have a hard time getting out and socializing themselves – and some find it hard to make friends in established communities, which means established communities have a responsibility to reach out and welcome newcomers in. We can’t socialize our children without other families to associate with!
Melanie,
If I could frame what you’ve said and hang it on my wall, I would do that. It says so many things that I wish I could find the words to say. When I started home schooling, I worried about them missing out on things like you have mentioned. Now,all of my children are in their teens and I would not trade the years that I have spent with them for anything.
I do NOT want public school “socialization” for anyone that I care about, particularly my daughters. Their character and conscience, that place inside a person where ethics are cultivated, are far to important to leave to the hands of modern media and their peers.
Chiming in to say that I love Melanie’s response!
We don’t ask adults if they are socialized at work if they are self employed do we? There is a time for work and a time for play. I want my children to know that during school time we are to do our work. When work is over it is time to enjoy ourselves with friends, playing, and socializing. My husband doesn’t go to work to socialize, goes to work. Socializing is for after work. Maybe if public schooled children were taught this work ethic they would have a better education. So much of their day is filled with games and nonsense. I’m not saying learning shouldn’t be fun but you shouldn’t be on Facebook during a geometry lesson.
AMEN!!!! That was well said. Thank you.
🙂 thank you Melissa!
I have to say I am in the biggest major funk in the world with homeschooling right now. I get to the point of not feeling like I can breathe and feel I am doing a major dishonor in homeschooling my son. I started homeschooling my son in 2008 and all was great, we had such a good thing going and a great Co-op, we met with. The group had tons of field trips and different classes in the community. And park day every other week so the kids could “socialize” outside a class setting or structure sports. There was even businesses that opened up classes in the mornings and mid afternoons geared towards homeschool kids. It was great! And my son was exceling fast, it was so awesome. Anyway my husband wanted to move and the way work was going it was a smart move for him. Yet in the midst of it, my son and I have suffered huge…we live in a small town now (errr) acceptance doesn’t happen fast, and the way I feel after 2 yrs not sure if we will ever fit in. I only HS one child he is 11 yrs, we get school done, when we focus on it, yet we are so bored with not having friends or things to do, we slack alot. I listen to the moms up here claim how well they socialize their kids, yet when I ask what do they all do and do they get together anywhere, they dont its all sports or church function (another area hard to fit in).. My son is not a sports person never has been and as far as church, we have yet to find a place we can call a home church muchless finding the people that actually talk to you outside of the church walls. So where does that leave us? LOST….This is where I have cossed over to say Socializing really?? This place to me gives HS a bad rap in socialization…they chose who they want to socialize with and it starts with the parents…its the moms who are to good to talk to a mom new in town, or to get to know a mom new in town. Its all about sticking with who you know. I feel bad for some of these kids who get in the “real world” and the big world, I wonder how will they function…meeting people from ALL walks of life? I guess my point is, if you live in a small town and a new family moves in make an effort to pull them in and help them. Cause I tell ya, I think I would rather have my son sit in a classroom and be cookie cutter, get an education, go to dances, have drama than to be alone like he has been for the past two years in this town. And when you say you socialize you child, think about how you socialize and is it all that you claim?
Toni it sounds like you need a community again! Where do you live? I’m sorry it’s been such a struggle. My husband and I started a ministry to help homeschoolers get connected… check it out …www.fchm.org Blessings to you—heidi
Toni,
I know exactly how you feel. Three years ago we moved for a vibrant, active community with multiple h/s’ing groups & opportunities that sounded much like the one you moved from to a community that sounds much like the one you moved to. The first two years were hell!!! I was upset, my children were upset, we felt like we would never be happy!! Luckily my older children (now 15 & 11) were able to find a passion that kept them busy during those past 2 years. This summer much has changed for us. No, we’ve not moved & no, the other home school groups haven’t changed. It’s been me. I’ve not stopped missing what I had from before, but I’ve stopped trying to find it here. I’ve decided to accept the groups/women/children here for what they are & not for who I wish they would be. No, we still don’t totally fit in, but we are making friends (slowly) & finding things to do & people to do them with. I don’t know if you are doing what I was doing, wishing for what I didn’t have instead of accepting what I did have, but if you are, it can get better…we just have to make the choice. I will keep you & your family in our prayers as I know just how depressing the situation can be!!!
God bless,
Cari
I am so sorry! right after getting married, we moved to a town just like that. even though I did not have children and had these problems, it was still the feeling of isolation and abandonment socially. Worst was this was a town full of my husbands family. he had plenty of social engagements among the men, but the women on the other hand, i guess they already had enough friends to even want to know about me. it was horrible!
Is there a town close, within an hour that you could get into their groups? in our group, we have a mom that travels an hour one way.
Toni – do you really think your son would fit in better being stuck in the middle of all that anti acceptance all day? at least being homeschooled, he’s not forced to be looked down upon all day by the stuck up small town kids who can’t accept outsiders (we live in a small town also, and I HATE that aspect of it, but home is still the better choice – they are accepted at home)
Perhaps these moms have never been part of a vibrant homeschooling group before. Since you have been part of one and know how wonderful they can be, perhaps you could show them the way and plan some field trips & park days. If they have never had a great group modeled for them, they have no idea that they have done anything wrong. I wish you the best as you get them started!
Toni,
We moved to a small town as newlyweds. It is difficult to break in and be part of the community! We found our best friends in people who, like us, hadn’t grown up there. Our children had friends from this section of the community as well and a few from the families that were “from there”. We were part of a homeschool group that encompassed the entire county so we did have to drive for some of the things we did. We also never did find a church in that town, we always drove about 1/2 hour for that. We did find churches with plenty of other homeschoolers (many of them were involved in the county-wide HS group), so that was a source of friends as well.
One of the things I did early on in our marriage was volunteer at a church in town that we were attending to help with a dinner that was being held. Through that one offer to help, I met a delightful friend! She had been married almost 40 years and was many years my senior, but through her I truly became acquainted with the area. She was a volunteer at the local Senior Center at lunchtime, helping serve the meal and working with the ladies on quilting, I joined her there and got to know many people through that, she and I visited quilt shops all over the place and I got to know the wider area, the side roads, the delightful little shops, etc. She was part of a home extension homemakers club, I joined that as well and made new friends closer to my own age who were interested in many of the same things I am. We were also part of a quilt guild an hour away.
As I had children, it became harder to continue some of these activities, but she and I remained friends (the kids called her “Grandma Evelyn”). She and her husband moved to another town nearby and we didn’t get to see her as much, but we still made a special trip to go see them occasionally. Then, we moved to a larger metropolitan area and we were more than an hour away. She moved to the nursing home, but I would still go see her when I could. A couple of years ago, I went with my husband to see her on our way through town and when we walked up to her room, her family was there clearing out her things. She had died the night before. I am forever grateful to her for taking me under her wing as a new bride!
When the kids grew a bit older, we were able to do some volunteering things together, once a week we went to the nursing home to help the residents play bingo. A couple of other homeschooling families went as well, but we could have done it on our own.
Look for any and all opportunities for you and your son to be involved in volunteering. Does your town have a senior center? There is surely something you could do there and he can help keep people company. Along the way, he is sure to hear some first-hand stories that will make history come alive for him.
Also, think about your son’s interests and see if you can start a club, a team or whatever fits him advertise it to the community and see if you can generate interest. Be part of the solution, you may find out there are others out there who are just as lonely as you.
No matter what, we’re staying the course. Here’s something to consider when you feel you may be doing a dishonor to your kids by keeping them home. Sorry, it’s a novel lol… hold tight!
What is wisdom? Do some reading in the Bible and you’ll find it is Jesus, not a thing. The Fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom. So how do we know Him? We can all teach our children ‘facts and knowledge.’ But careful there, the Bible says “Knowledge puff ups, love builds up.” So, if we want them to know the Lord,not just ‘facts’ what does that look like? Well, we have to teach them to know Him through 1) His Spirit, 2) His Word, and 3) His Creation (which is a) the heavens, b) earth, and c) seas.) So, 1- discipling them to know the Lord, to hear His voice, to follow His commands must be done by discipling your child in your home. No school can really do that. 2- His Word, in teaching your child to read, write and reason, you are teaching him to read and share God’s Word. Yes, they need those skills in this world, but they’ll need it MORE to know the Lord. And 3- His Creatoin… Learning about the planets is great, but when you learn that in order to see God’s fingerprints, THAT is real education. And that’s part of the ‘heavens’ too! The earth, say you grow a garden. You learn about seeds going into the ground, and how that is like dying to ourselves. The water, like the water of the Word, causes that seed to gain new life and grow. Etc etc. And the seas, let’s look at the many oceans. Is it nice to name them? Sure. But even better too look deeper and see how and why God created them. All learning is to disciple our children to know their Creator more and more.
Now, once we’ve got our good and sound reasoning for education, we get to go out and be salt and light. So, our kids are involved in Awanas which helps put God’s Word in their heart, in addition to what we do at home. And we of course have church things going on. But we also started a Youth Service Club through a company called Modern Woodmen of America. This club meets once a month, MWA funds us. And we do volunteer projects in the community. We’ve been able to be salt and light as a family in our community as well as building great friendships.
And for me? I love online communities, so grateful for friends via facebook! I also was blessed to find a small handful of like minded ladies.
There is hope. Just keep your eyes on the Lord, He’ll provide. I remember a dear friend of mine saying she was praying for a friend for her daughter. And God provided a dog. Yes, a dog lol. And it was a wonderful friendship. She’s in her early 20’s now and still has her dog, which she named Buddy. 😉 Hang in there!
I have been quite fortunate to live in a little town where hsing is huge. There are many groups to join. In fact, so much to do that I have had to take a year ‘off’ now and then from the hustle and gustle f classes, field trips, and playdates. I am grateful for your post, however, to keep in my mind and heart toward others who might be struggling.
Things at which we have found other hs’ers, outside of the group: 4H, local parks, ‘jumpy’ places, history , science or art museums. How about finding something your son loves doing , doing it while looking for other famie, and striking up a conversation? Or, beginning a club to his liking. Does he like Chess? 4H? Robotics? Begin a club and advertise. You might find a friend with a built-in common interest. Perhaps there are others out there like you.
Hello, I’m sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. I’m trying to imagine how small your town is, what activities or people or groups could be available there, & if there could be towns or cities nearby. We are in a very small town but a half hour from downtown of a moderately large city. We have a good variety of resources that way. I wonder if you could travel occasionally (once a month or week?) to a place with clubs or events. We travel to the city for Taekwondo & church. I’d like to recommend Taekwondo as an activity if it’s available where you live. It’s sporty enough to count for PE credit (if you need that), but not really sporty like soccer, etc. so all sorts of kids are involved & can do well at it. This is in the ATA. It has leadership classes available, which help with self-confidence & transition into careers in business, military, politics, etc. It also teaches self-defense. And since there are lots of kids there, they make plenty of friends, & no cliques are apparent where we are at least. Once they are 16 & black belts with leadership training, they can apply for jobs as instructors & may be promoted (as our head instructor was) to running the whole school as soon as they turn 18 if they are capable enough. Sorry I don’t know if you are looking for a church of a certain denomination, but if not I’d like to recommend the Orthodox Church, if there is one available. They are generally very welcoming—if you don’t know, in America, the ethnic designations mean not much more than who started the church & what kind of food they usually serve, (^_^) so I wouldn’t be intimidated by that, although the Greeks are mostly still very Greek. We go to a Macedonian & Bulgarian one but are other ethnicities & everyone is welcome there. Everyone form it will definitely talk to each other anywhere. If you are used to Protestant churches, you will find the liturgy different, similar to Catholic though—just follow everyone else’s lead (except in communion), or ask what to do. Before this, we were Lutherans (which was actually not SO different) & generally the Lutheran churches we went to were also very welcoming. Other social activities I can think of are science clubs, literary clubs, chess club, art classes, amateur orchestras or bands, volunteering at the food bank or hospital or historical society, visiting people at nursing homes who don’t have anyone to visit them, scouting, target shooting, hunting & fishing, volunteering in a political campaign, (if you happen to go to an Orthodox or Catholic church & like it…) visiting a monastery, (if there is an group to do this where you are…) maintaining graves or your local park. Also, if there is a science center or library around, it probably hosts more activities. I like the suggestion to start a group yourself—there could be other like-minded people in your town! Good luck! Please don’t give up on home-schooling!
Preach it!
My answer to the socialization question: 🙂
http://www.dearlylovedmist.com/2012/04/what-about-socialization.html
Hello I am wondering if I can use this article on one of my blogs if I link back to you? Thanks
Please do 🙂 Thanks for the linkback!
AMEN! Well said. I love your blog. Keep up the amazing encouragement. I have read your books, as well. You are an angel for other homeschooling moms. I wish you had a radio series! 😉
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As a public schooling mother with many homeschooling friends I would like to offer a bit of “push back”. Hopefully ya’ll will be friendly as I can understand and completely respect your views on this topic. I read this post and then the comments on it about a half hour ago and something just dawned on me. As I have seen things (again from my friendships with other homeschool moms…we attend a family where about 80% of the kids are homeschooled) it seems like many of the socialization opportunities that homeschool kiddos get is with others who are very much like they are. This would include co-ops, church groups and even neighborhoods where there isn’t a lot of “stretching” that has to happen. Maybe I’m not explaining myself well, but one of the things that I have been challenged by (in a good way) as a parent of public school kids…is how my kids are learning to relate to others who sometimes are VERY different from themselves. Just a little push back. And if you are exposing your kiddos to these kinds of experiences…then BRAVO!!
I honestly think that there should be articles and research done on children who are overly socialized. I would be confident to say that bullying, rude behaviors, and lack of real social skills is a product of being overly socialized, especially from a young age. Its not normal and high unnatural in society for people of any age group to be grouped together like cattle of the exact same age and be forced to be friends and all get along all the time. It doesn’t happen in the workplace, the worship place, in recreation, social media, college, and it certainly doesn’t happen at senior citizen homes. I think that the socialization concept is a cop out for the laziness of grouping kids together in the attempt to school them all at once instead of taking the time to make sure that they are individually learning and actually gaining anything from the lessons. Granted, I myself as a homeschooler do struggle with getting our children together with other homeschool kids because there just never seems to be enough time with all that they want to learn and all that life provides, but I blame the breakdown of a real society. The real sense of community that was allowed for our children in the past was the church, the neighborhood, the family, and the freedom of life. Now the sense of community is provided for us, forced upon most of us, in the school community. The school system itself is meant to replace any real world learning that children can gain from learning from their first and most important teachers, their parents, and then the school creates a false sense of the world with fake holidays such as the ‘100 day’ and ‘field day’ and others. I say that the only real sense of community that a school has ever really created was the one room schoolhouse, where people from their immediate community came together of all different ages and learned from each other. I think all of these ideas need to be taken into consideration when people are quick to argue the socialization standpoint.
I decided to homeschool my first grade son this year and socialization was the big reason for opposition that I got from friends and family. My son was pretty shy so people worried he was going to miss out on the social dynamic. I couldn’t get them to understand that the social skills he did learn from school were not always positive. In fact we’ve spent a lot of time this year correcting the social skills he learned in school. After only one semester of homeschooling my son is actually very well adjusted socially. He is still shy sometimes but not as severely as he used to be. He’s shy in new settings, but he takes after me… cautious and watchful until he finds the right people to trust. That’s not a bad trait if you ask me. But he can talk to the grocery clerks with great ease (something he didn’t used to do), he takes great pleasure in having conversations with adults. Of course, we still have to work on issues that arise when he’s with kids his own age, but it’s normal stuff and I’m here to help him with it. When he had issues with other students at public school he couldn’t articulate what happened well enough for us to problem solve. I felt like he was already experiencing some low grade bullying…in kindergarten. We now find more time to do social things. They don’t always include kids his own age (although often do), but he is comfortable with the situations. Bottom line is that my son smiles again because he isn’t as stressed. He is relaxed and happy again. At this point I don’t care what my family & friends think about his socialization. I have seen his growth in that area and I am now solid in my belief that homeschooling him (and my preschooler) is the best choice I’ve ever made. Now I get to choose the type of social interactions he is exposed to.
As a child I was part of a homeschoolers only girl scout troop. When we did a big girl scout get together with other troops, the leaders and even the girls would comment on how well behaved and polite we all were compared to them!
When people ask about the socialization of homeschooled kids, I challenge them to go sit at their local high school or junior high and just watch the kids “socializing” for a couple days. Just watch. That’s exactly the kind of “socialization” I do NOT want for my children. That is why we homeschool.
Maybe one person in ten years has ever asked about their actual education. On the drive 10 miles to a friends this morning, there were four school violence tragedies on the radio news
Yes, socialization seem to be a misconception all the time whenever you tell someone you are homeschooling. Here in Australia, it’s the same thing. We get schocking responses from people who doesn’t realized that homeschooled children are the most sociable beings they could ever met. Our experience tells us that even though our children needs more moulding (ages between 7 and 3 – 2 boys / 2 girls) as they grow older, the amount of socialization they’ve learnt at home is far more greater than the ones we meet in the shops. Kids we meet in the shops doesn’t even know how to say hello back to our children. Their parents most of the time had to prompt them to do so or parents should be the same to not respond at all.
Our youngest daughter who is 3 years old surprise us most of the time as she can struck up a conversation to both adults and kids without even trying hard. Next thing you know is she is waving goodbye to “Emily” because she managed to introduced herself and got her name. Yes, it is unbelievable that no matter where you are in the world lives, you still going to get the same response about this subject.
A friend of mine posted this on FB, after I read it it really struck home with me. My husband and I have two children aged 6 and 4 and before they started school we were considering homeschooling but this the socialization issuse came up and as a result we placed our children in the Catholic system here. After reading this “socializing” that I want and don’t want for my children. I grew up in the public system and was relentlessly picked on and therefore I myself have a LOT of trouble socializing, so having your child in with a whole bunch of others does NOT in any way guarantee healthy and positive socializtion. My schooling suffered BIG time cause I was so scared to go to school, I was constantly worried about the clothes I wore, am I going to do something “wrong” to attract even more bullying. I remember I was always alone, I stayed away from others to try and protect myself from their taunts and name calling. I believe that some children do well in school as long as you have a “place”, and usually that place is with the popular kids cause from my own experience the popular ones are the bullies. So after thinking it over I want to homeschool my children. 1: I want my children to focus on their studies not with what is going on around them and weather or not they are “fitting” in 2: I don’t want my kids to be bullied or be the bully by trying to “fit” in with the popular kids and 3: I want my kids to have a Christ centred education where they see God at work in everything. Even though the Catholic school has God in mind there are so many other cultures and beliefs there that God is an after thought.
So Heidi I want to thank you for posting this, it has truly encouraged me to take on this great endevor. I know it will not be easy but something inside me tells me that this is Gods plan and because it is His plan He has already equiped me to be able to do it and He IS right here with me to guide and help me.
God bless you Heidi and have a wonderful day.
Thank you Jennifer! You can do it!