A few days ago, a post called I wrote 25 Ways to Stay Married for 25 Years. Toward the end of the article, I spoke to the importance of keeping our bodies only, always, for each other. I made a short remark about the devastating effect of porn on women in general and wives in-particular, and it sparked an age-old debate: Does it really matter? Is porn really that big of a deal?
It’s a great question, really, and I’m here to tell you: yes. It matters. If you don’t care about it, you should. Porn is more accessible now than ever—and more damaging, too. As a pastor’s wife and conference speaker, I’ve been privileged to hear the stories of thousands of women who have first-hand experience with the pain that porn brings into a marriage. In ten years of speaking, I have yet to hear even one woman tell me that her marriage has been positively impacted by the use of porn, whether it’s viewed by the couple as part of their private lives or not—because here’s the thing: sex is natural. Watching other people engaging in it is not.
On our wedding day, we commit to sexual fidelity. That means we stop searching for sexual gratification anywhere except within our marriage. When we vow to “forsake all others,” we’re really saying “only you.”
Porn says “only you” is not enough, and yes. I believe it is cheating.
Twenty-one years ago, I sat in the living room of a beautiful young woman as she tearfully told me that her husband was addicted to pornography. For the sake of privacy, I’ll call her “Anne.” Anne said it started out with magazines that he brought home. Her attitude was “boys will be boys,” and so she didn’t tell her husband how wounding “David’s” use of porn was to her spirit. In reality, it was suffocating their marriage. Anne assumed it was all about her. If she was only prettier, blonde, sexier. Of course, it wasn’t about Anne at all. Porn is like a drug. No matter how hard Anne tried, she couldn’t compete with the images David had in his mind of what porn said said sex should be.
Eventually, David was no longer interested in sex with his wife unless he could view porn during or before sex. Distance and bitterness settled over their relationship like a cold, damp blanket. Resentment replaced intimacy.
Pornography, Anne felt, had forced her to compete with the seductive, flawlessly shaped and, apparently, never tired—ghosts of other women. Anne was broken in a hundred different ways—but so was her husband.
It was just “too accessible,” she told me. Like millions of other men, Anne’s husband was living in a virtual world, far away from his real life—and his real wife. Like millions of other marriages, the results of porn on Anne and David’s marriage was devastating. They tried to get help, but it was “too embarrassing” and neither Anne nor David wanted to talk to to anyone else about it. Two years later, David’s virtual world crossed over into an even darker, real world—and eventually, he confessed to taking his addiction a step further by soliciting prostitutes.
Their marriage didn’t survive.
Why is porn such a big issue? Why not “leave it alone?” Because viewing porn breaks the most fundamental and intimate bond between a husband and wife: the promise of only you. When a husband and wife make love, they should always have the physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being of the other person in mind. Watching other people having sex brings someone else into the equation; and the promise of “only you” is broken.
Real relationships are complicated. Real love desires to actually know and love another person—flaws and all.
“In porn, all of that can get edited out: any physical flaws can be quickly Photoshopped away; no matter what’s happening to them, the people on screen can be made to look like they’re having a good time ; and no one seems to have any needs of their own, opinions, or feelings to consider. Besides, if anyone fails to immediately satisfy, there’s always someone new to click to.” – See more at Fight the New Drug
Since we live in a world where porn is very easy to access—is it realistic to have a porn-free marriage? Yes. We might not be able to keep from being exposed to it, but we can definitely keep it from getting a foothold in our relationships. If you want to to establish a porn-free marriage—here’s a good place to start.
Look at your spouse and commit again: ONLY YOU.
Ten Traits in a Porn-Free Marriage
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Pre-Emptive Action
I remember the first time I had to ask my husband an uncomfortable question. My heart was racing. What if I couldn’t handle the answer he gave me? What if he was angry with me for asking? What if he was viewing porn? What if?
Yes, the questions are hard, but they need to be asked. When the chips are down, healthy married couples ask the hard questions before porn becomes a problem. They don’t wait for it to become a problem. Porn-free marriages are marked by open, bold communication. They take necessary steps to protect their marriage before it takes root.
Don’t presume to know what’s going on, and don’t run from a possible porn problem: bring it into the light.
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HEALTHY SEXUAL EXPRESSION
I wrote a book on marriage in 2009. You would think in our culture, we’d be talking more honestly about sex in marriage—but it remains a difficult topic. Porn-free marriages value true intimacy and understand work toward mutual satisfaction that does not violate the trust or well-being of the other person.
God’s Word says that the marriage bed is undefiled. (Hebrews 13:4) This means that as long as you don’t cross into sin (such as porn, adultery, etc.) you are free to express yourselves sexually in whatever ways make you both happy. Honestly: Fewer things make my husband happier than knowing I desire him, so I’ve made this a priority! I want to be the best reason for him to come home after work. Porn-free married couples enjoy healthy, adventurous sex. They don’t need porn for that!
What about sex toys and other sexual aids? This is where you have to use godly discernment. If what you’re doing causes either of you to feel pain, disrespected, or ashamed, then take a step back and talk about it. Intimacy between husband and wife is a sacred gift that should never evoke feelings of guilt, shame, or disrespect.
Communicate openly with each other. Married sex should be an beautiful expression of love; a gift between a husband a wife; a secret garden that only the two of you get to enjoy.
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ACCOUNTABILITY
Porn-free marriages are not afraid to be held accountable. Period. My husband has access to my computer, my phone, my life. He knows my passwords and I know his. We hold each other accountable—and at times, other people help us. If a husband or wife does not want accountability in this area (or any other area) … it’s a red flag. Get help.
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HONESTY
Married couples who want to guard their marriage against the infiltration of porn lay their desires out there. They are not embarrassed or ashamed to talk honestly about their desires, including how often they would like to have sex. They share their struggles and they are honest when they blow it. If there is honesty—there can be trust. When trust is violated, problems follow.
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VULNERABILITY
When I was a young married woman, I struggled with being vulnerable with my husband. I was embarrassed by the sight of my own body; so learning to be vulnerable took time. My husband’s patience and pursuit eventually gave me the confidence I needed to be completely myself with him—but it took time and patience.
Husbands: give your wife the gift of shelter. By this, I mean, if you want more from your sex life, be a safe place for your wife. DO NOT demean your wife’s body in any way. Encourage and build her up. The best advice we ever received about this tender topic was from a couple who had been married for many years. They said that we should always be looking for the things we loved in each other and verbalize it! Verbal expression of love and appreciation allows for vulnerability.
Vulnerability requires absolute trust in the other person. Porn damages that trust. Couples who want to keep trust and vulnerability in the marriage keep porn out of it. Remember—only you.
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COMMITMENT TO MEET THE NEEDS OF THE OTHER
We go through seasons in life. Twenty-five years of marriage has seen my husband and me through many of them: pregnancy, newborn exhaustion, financial stress, family trouble. All things things have an effect on libido. When we’re committed to meeting each other’s needs, that means we also roll with the seasons we’re in.
My husband knows I’m committed to meeting his needs—and he trusts me. If I say “not tonight,” he knows it’s not going to be forever. Successful couples make the needs of their spouse a top priority in every area, not just sexually—and they put actions to their words. If you say, “later, honey” but later never comes—trouble is sure to follow.
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TRANSPARENCY
You’ll be a lot less likely to struggle with porn in your marriage if you are willing to allow unfettered access to your devices. Period.
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ZERO TOLERANCE FOR PORN
Does this seem “hard core?” That’s the point. When you see it, or even think you see it, address it. Don’t ignore it.
Talk about it.
Don’t tolerate the enemy worming his wicked way into your marriage in any way. Remember: Only you. -
COMMITTED TO PRAYER
If you’ve been reading my blog for long, you know I am a woman of faith. I believe that God is listening to us and that He wants us to take our struggles to Him. I know for a fact, because I’ve experienced it—that healing is found in Christ.
My husband and I are committed to protecting our marriage through prayer. We don’t always pray together every day, but at the very least, we’re praying for each other every day. I pray for protection in this tender area especially, because I believe it is a spiritual battle. I’ve seen first hand the power of prayer. Prayer heals marriages.
No situation is beyond God’s healing touch. Porn is no match for the power of prayer.
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MOTIVATED BY LOVE
One thing I have observed in couples who have successfully won the battle over porn or been able to keep their marriages free from it is that their motivation truly is love.
Love for eachother. Love for their children. Love of God.
When we’re motivated by love, our first instinct is to protect and nurture the relationship. A wife who loves her husband will want to protect him from porn (and vice-versa.) A husband who loves his wife can demonstrate that by not doing anything that he knows would damage their marriage.
Only you.
Commit to making your marriage bed a sacred place—and do the work it takes to keeping it that way.
Your marriage is worth it.
By the way, I’ve written a book on marriage—and it it, I talk about some of the pain my family has experienced. The book was written for homeschooling community but it’s for every married woman who’s trying to juggle her life, her kids and her marriage.
Check it out—be encouraged! Below are more resources for you to look into.
Online help
The Effects of Porn on Your Marriage – Sheila Gregoire
What to do when you discover your husband is using porn – Sheila Gregoire
Your Brain on Porn – Covenant Eyes
Fight The New Drug – website
Books
Jailbreak – by Vincent and Allison Newfield
Momentary pleasure… followed by lasting guilt and shame. You keep going back for more. But why? Will the Jekyll and Hyde struggle ever cease? Countless men are imprisoned in the vice-grips of porn—many of which are Christians. Years ago, Vincent Newfield was one of them. In JAILBREAK, he and his wife, Allison, candidly share their journey to freedom, along with a proven pathway out of porn’s prison.
Every Man’s Battle – by Stephen Arterburn
From the television to the Internet, print media to videos, men are constantly faced with the assault of sensual images. It is impossible to avoid such temptations…but, thankfully, not impossible to rise above them.
Shattering the perception that men are unable to control their thought lives and roving eyes, Every Man’s Battle shares the stories of dozens who have escaped the trap of sexual immorality and presents a practical, detailed plan for any man who desires sexual purity-perfect for men who have fallen in the past, those who want to remain strong today, and all who want to overcome temptation in the future.
Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women Who Have Been Sexually Betrayed – by Debra Laaser
Infidelity doesn’t have to ruin your life—or your marriage If you have been devastated by your husband’s sexual betrayal—whether an isolated incident or a long-term pattern of addiction—you need to know you don’t have to live as a victim.
When Your Husband is Addicted to Pornography: Healing Your Wounded Heart – by Vicki Tiede
When your husband’s addiction to pornography leaves you shattered, betrayed, and alone, where do you turn? Who do you turn to? Vicki Tiede, writing from personal experience, gently guides women toward God and away from despair. Through daily readings and questions on six important topics: hope, surrender, trust, identity, brokenness, and forgiveness, you will grow in healing and hope.
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Heidi – This is excellent. Thank you for having the courage to write it. I agree that porn is cheating and so destructive. I grieve for the generations of men and woman (and young people) who have been led to believe it is good and fine.
Thank you, Sallie. I’m hoping that my children will have a solid foundation as they begin their married lives, too.
Thank you for writing this. I agree that watching porn is adultery, but also it’s important to realize that once it becomes habitual, the porn is no longer enough, and the person watching it needs more and more to fill that void. Physical adultery is often not far behind, which is incredibly painful and difficult to overcome.
Hey Rain. Thanks for your post. This is the story I told at the beginning of the post— “Anne’s” husband, David eventually turned to prostitutes and their marriage did not survive. You’re right, this is often the sad outcome of porn addiction. I appreciate your bold observation.
I’m not sure how many women might possibly pushing their husbands to porn because of their own self image but one conversation changed our love life for the good. I was always under the impression that men were just sexual beings, that anything would arouse them, they needed sex! But maybe that’s not necessarily true. My husband and I have been married for almost 26 years. We’ve had our ups and downs and the last 10 years have been amazing but our love making had slowed way down. You see as I got older I had a hard time seeing myself as sexy. One day, I asked him what kept his sex drive so active. I told him I didn’t understand how he could see my “ever changing” body and how it could still be appealing to him. I thought maybe he had thoughts of others or was sneaking porn that would excite him and he came to me for satisfaction. His answer shocked and pleased me. Apparently, my husband never had any issues with my looks (even though i did). He said he loved the way I looked, that he remembered all the fun and loving we had through the years, that he only had to think of those intimate times and he would become aroused. It was ME that kept him going sexually. He reassured me he only needed me! I think if husbands knew we needed to hear this It could change marriages….It did mine….
This is absolutely the truth, Tammy! I wrote about a similar situation in my own marriage in “The Guide to Romance.” I think that largely because of our culture, we are much harder on ourselves than our husbands are. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but I love this story. Thank you for sharing! “Only you” in action. Beautiful.
Heidi, it took courage to write this and I appreciate your boldness for marriages. I sent this link to my husband this afternoon, thanking him for following these guidelines with me in our marriage. Porn is not talked about in our churches and everyday world like it should be. It’s a huge, silent problem. Keep speaking out and sharing. I am sharing in my social media networks.
Thank you so much, Katie! You’ve encouraged me tonight!
Amen! Preach it sista! When we were first married, I found out my husband had become addicted to porn at a young age when he found it in his dad’s room. Thank God my husband saw how awful and evil it was to our marriage and quit completely. I still wonder to this day if his dad is still into porn. He’s a preacher in a very legalistic church and is constantly harping on us when we are the ones living fully for Jesus. (we left his church and will not follow his “rules” and he does not like that.) Red flag? Also, my husband’s brother recently cheated on his wife who then left him. They are now divorced. Makes perfect sense that porn leads to adultery and makes me think the whole family may have become addicted to porn from the dad? So so awful.
Ugh. I wish the stories were not all.so.sad. 🙁 Thanks for stopping by, Karj! I’m thrilled your husband was able to get free. Keep talking about it!
Can I ask how you would suggest talking about it? The church we grew up in is very legalistic and don’t you dare talk about such things, yadda yadda. That’s the big group of people we know even tho we left the church and go elsewhere. That’s where all our families are still tied in. I would love to post this on fb if only I was on there! Keep preaching this, people need to hear it and wake up to the devil’s lies!
You know, I’m all for honest, open communication–even when it’s hard. I’d suggest asking God for new eyes to see opportunities. You might even hold a book club at your house. You could read one of the books I’ve suggested on this post,or even do my book on marriage. It’s a great conversation starter without being “about” pornography. Blessings to you!
This is a most excellent message to all women and men. I know first hand about what you speak of, but I am thrilled to say that GOD HEALS broken people! We have a healthy, happy 20 year marriage–scars and all. It takes Jesus Christ to break the chains of addiction–and accountability for men to continue walking in the light. Wives are NEVER to blame for their husbands’ choices to view porn. They are, however, to be their husband’s lover–their only one and to make sex a priority. It is hard, especially when they may not be meeting your needs for communication and more, but keep praying sisters for your husbands–when they step up and become the men of God they were designed to be, you won’t be able to keep your hands off of him!
Kris, thank you for sharing your story! Love that last line, too. Blessings to you!
I agree that women struggle with self image, especially in our overly airbrushed culture. I always thought that my husband was with me (intimately) only because he promised God to be loyal. We have had several family issues that have negatively impacted our sex life (our newborn son passed, job issues, infertility, adoption stress, my being diagnosed with fibromyalgia and RA). We discussed our sex life, finally and I told him why I thought he was with me. Not because he loved and desired me, but because he told God he would stay. He told me that wasn’t the case. He loved ME! No matter my weight, my limitations, whatever. He loved the whole package! The difference that has made for us has been huge! I’ve never felt so accepted or that I didn’t have to overcompensate for my “failures”
Same applies to women/wives who resort to sex toys. not only is the infidelity equal to porn. It has the same negative self image effect. When she gets addicted to the sensation of her favorite toy. It prevents her from being able to reach climax from normal intercourse.
I love how you word things Heidi. This is so well written and such a much-needed topic!! Thank you.
Thank you, Carol! I’m glad you agree. Many, many women deal with this—and we need to talk about it. Blessings to you!
My husband and I have been married for almost 24 years. The last 2 1/2 have been spent walking the road of recovery from his sexual addiction. God is about the business of restoration! He wants to heal broken hearted women whose husbands have gone down this path. I like the fact that many of the suggestions you had involved a level of transparency. So vital to healing. It is hard, gritty work to stay after betrayal. I just want to offer – for any woman reading this who is still reeling from this devastation, hold on to Jesus – He is your anchor! Get connected with those who have gone down this way before you to gain wisdom and encouragement. And find a wise, godly counselor to guide you through your healing! Be blessed with His grace.
Thank you, Angela. I love your words to a broken mom. Many will read this and never feel they can comment, so thank you. Your transparency is a huge gift. Keep holding on to Jesus! xoxo heidi