5 Ways to Just Say {NO} to Drama

drama_5_ways

Oops. I did it again.

I didn’t mean it—never mind.

Yes, I did.

I knew when I vague-booked that little “hint” that so-and-so would eventually get it. And secretly, I hoped it would be sooner rather than later. I wanted her to know she hurt me. Secretly, I wanted to wound her back.  I knew that if I called her out by name online I’d be fouled on a technicality—because that would clearly be wrong—so I did what any reasonable, mature, spirit-filled woman would do: I hinted about it on Facebook.  Just a short statement. It looked innocent on the outside, yet truthfully it was anything but innocent.

As you can probably guess,  it backfired.

And it created more drama for me than the drama I have every day simply by virtue of the fact that I have seven children. Trust me when I say that just having the seven children can generate enough drama in a day to seriously cripple most human beings. No kidding.

But for some reason, I just had to add another layer of drama. *sigh*  Why?

words

For all the “keep it simple, sweetie” talk and all our good intentions to say we want to be examples for our children, we’re allowing the Internet to tempt us into exposing an ugly side of ourselves. It’s true. Have you seen it too?

Now let me be clear: I love Facebook. I love blogging. But it has an ugly side: The Internet has provided a new generation with the opportunity to practice a brand new form of passive/aggressive behavior—simply using vague, online hints.  See if any of these sound familiar:

I need prayer. People are just so unkind.

I am asking the Lord to help me have a forgiving heart.

Hurt and frustrated, but moving on.

Seriously, people?

I need prayer to deal with a “situation”.

It’s embarrassing to admit, but I’m pretty sure I’ve used all of these statements at one time or another in the past several years. And I see them floating around on other pages every day.

I have to ask myself, “What makes me different?”  Am I doing what I know is right?

1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up.

Are you tired of the drama? Me too, and here’s the thing: We need to stop this behavior. Or at the very least, we need to recognize we’re behaving badly by our little online jabs and begin to change our tone  Why? Because it’s not solving anything. And it’s robbing us of peace.

Well, and it’s making us look like bratty children who can’t get along. Yeah. That too.

no_drama_mama_meme

If you’re surrounded by or creating drama of your own, I get it.  I’m a recovering drama mama myself. Here are five ways to help you just say NO to drama:

  1. Listen. We need to become better listeners. Especially to that “still small voice” that we hear while we’re writing those drama-inviting posts. You know, that voice. It’s the voice we usually hear but choose to ignore.
  2. Prefer others. This means that we consider the preciousness of the relationships around us, including—but not limited to—the person we’re hoping will see that “vague” post we wrote. In the same way we don’t need unnecessary drama, our friends who have no idea what in the world we’re talking about don’t need it either.
  3. Stop trespassing. Sounds simple—but when you’re prone to trespassing (in other words, injecting yourself into a situation that you have no business being in) you literally invite drama. So, when you see a vague post, don’t reply. Don’t add fuel to the fire. Or, if you feel the need to reply, do it privately.
  4. Be quiet. Do you remember “Stop, Drop and Roll?” This simple saying was taught to me when I was very young as a way to remember how to escape a house fire.  The next time you are tempted to invite drama into your life, try this: “Stop, Drop IT, Roll on outta there”  🙂
  5. Be intentional in your relationships.  Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  BOY. Ain’t that the truth.  Let me just add, a “vague” word stirs up anger, too.  If you feel the need to be vague because you are upset with someone, you probably shouldn’t be talking about it at all.  And putting things like “I can’t believe some people” on Facebook—well, that’s not getting us anywhere.

Of course, there are many ways outside of the Internet that we can invite, stir up or even cause hurtful, unnecessary drama in our lives. Even good things can go bad if we’re not careful: prayer groups (where gossip is justified), moms groups… well, you can add your own.  You know what I mean.

Bottom line: No Drama, Mama!  If your heart races when you see a post on Facebook or on another Internet site,

STOP. DROP {it}. ROLL {on outta there}.

If you need to address something that should be private, do it privately. If you’ve been hurt, don’t put it on the Internet. Just say “no” to vague-booking. Season your speech with grace. And if you are in a relationship that continually pulls you into more drama, it might be time to consider putting healthy boundaries on that relationship.

While we will never be able to be totally drama-free, we sure can eliminate a lot of it by being intentional about our relationships.

As mothers, we have an opportunity to show our children how to be “drama-free” in their own lives by demonstrating how to do it. What a gift we could give them.

You can do it, busy mom!

I’m committing to being a “No Drama Mama.”  How about you?

No_drama_commit

Pardon my dust. I’m creating a drama-free zone.
Heidi

Heidi St John Guide to Daylight

This entry was posted in MomStrong Sisterhood and tagged , on by .

About Heidi St. John

Heidi has been married to her husband Jay since 1989. Together they have seven children and three grandchildren! The St. Johns homeschooled their kids all the way through high school. Heidi is the the author of seven books, host of the popular podcast "Off the Bench," and the founder of MomStrong International, an online community of women learning God's Word and how to apply it to every day life. She and her husband Jay are also the founders of Firmly Planted Family and the Firmly Planted Homeschool Resource Center, located in Vancouver, Washington.

47 thoughts on “5 Ways to Just Say {NO} to Drama

  1. Lisa Wagner

    This is a good word, Heidi. And can I add one thing that I’ve noticed happens when people use the “vague-booking” status lines? (Btw, I love the term “vague-book”. LOL) When someone is intentionally vague, a person who is actually NOT involved will then tend to wonder if that status is directed at her. And that can cause problems too! Thanks for posting; I will be sharing this!

    Reply
  2. Leigh G

    Very good. I have to use Proverbs 10:19 to check myself. “When words (tweets, facebook) are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. ” Thanks for the honesty and I love your blog!!

    Reply
  3. Britney

    What a great post. I have felt like drama is just everywhere and I can’t escape it sometimes! But your encouragement and reminders have helped me to realize I dont have to respond and definitely am a little “mother hen” and “trespass” into other people’s drama too often :)Thank you for your encouragement and truth and biblical reminders!

    Reply
  4. Amber @ Classic Housewife

    Spot on, Heidi!!
    When I see those bait lines (I call it fishing, since they’re fishing for someone to ask what’s wrong so they can tell them all about it,) I just scroll on by. I’m not falling for that bait! If I comment at all, it’s just so say “Praying for you, my friend.”

    Reply
  5. Debbie Feely

    I shared this! It is such a good word. I recently deleted 100 Facebook friends because I was so discouraged by all the drama. I am not sure that was the right solution, and I deleted people by categories, students, husbands and so forth, but I was having a hard time keeping my spirit where it needed to be. It helps to have less total input. I sometimes think it would be nice to be in the under 40 crowd and just say whatever, but glad I have my mamma’s training to not do that. I do try to screen my posts, then when someone says “what?” I realize I fell into the temptation to draw people in. Thanks Heidi!

    Reply
  6. Sarah

    So, forwarding this post is probably stirring the pot as well, right?? I know it is, but so tempting at the same time… Ah, I better stop, drop, and roll!
    Thanks Heidi for being real!

    Reply
  7. Becca

    I have been amazed at how much drama I can control/eliminate on my own. In my personal experience, the other person doesn’t have to change for you to be able to lessen the drama in your own life.

    Reply
  8. Rebecca

    Thank you for being real -everyone at some time has done this (raising hand and hanging head in shame ). And we all will fall-because we are not perfect. But to have godly sisters in Christ to call the 411 and pull us from the 911 of a miry pit-including pointing diggers at someone else’s sin to hide our own. Thank you for raising the bar-being real and pointing to Christ. May we all become virtuous women and pray on!

    Reply
  9. Amy T

    i learned a while back to “keep on scrolling” through inappropriate memes, posts, pics, etc. Sometimes it’s tough, like turning away from a train wreck, but don’t look back…remember Lot’s wife? -at

    Reply
  10. Scarlett

    This is a good word, Heidi! Thank you for speaking out. I have been praying for honour to be restored to our relationships in the Church and in general.

    Reply
  11. PeaPod Momma

    I didn’t know what you meant at first (“vague-booking”?). I get it now. Just due to shear numbers, the probability of drama increases with each person on one’s FB friends’ list. I know you can’t decrease your # of FB friends, Heidi (or else I wouldn’t get to be one!), but I recently decided to try to keep my number of FB friends under 60 — far away-ers mostly, and some locals who are going through health issues and updating via FB. I immediately noticed a positive impact to my thought life. I guess that makes me sound weak-minded, but I often found myself ruminating on negative events surrounding what I’d read on FB. It was too much! “Finally, brothers [and sisters], whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” (Phil.4:8)

    Reply
  12. Beth

    Your post is very good advice. Question though…is it always ‘wrong’ to be vague in our posts? There are times when I am needing prayer to help me forgive or to help me in a difficult situation which has nothing to do with anyone on Facebook. It is ‘real life’ I am needing prayer for, but something I do not want to mention. It is private, but I could use prayers from Christian sisters. I believe sometimes the writer of the post has no intention of creating ‘drama’, but a reader creates the ‘drama’. We need to be diligent to watch ourselves whether we are the poster or the reader…use your Stop, Drop, and Roll within our own hearts and minds. 🙂

    Reply
    1. heidistjohn Post author

      Good question 🙂 I think whenever you post something vague, you need to be sure to clarify that it has NOTHING to do with your readers. That way, you build in some buffer for the imagination. Thanks for posting, Beth!

      Reply
  13. Jessica

    Hey Heidi!
    Love your blog! This is so relevant today! I have found talking with women about gossip and such that much of the time we have not learned the constructive behaviors that help us handle our anger, hurt, frustration and such. As a result, we post what seems like innocent things: praying for strength today for my situation!
    Do you have any suggestions other than those listed as to how to “deal” with the hurt without inviting drama? Should we only private message those we think will help us? If so, what can we do to make sure that our private conversation doesnt end up a private gossip fest?
    Thank you so much for your insight and encouragement to all of us busy moms:)

    Reply
    1. heidistjohn Post author

      Hi Jessica! I think that when you’re in doubt, don’t post. Send a private message. We are all so connected on the Internet that it’s easy to speculate as to the intent of the person who wrote the post. I will rarely ask for things that are situational in nature. This is why we need friends “in real life.” Start there. <3 Love your heart!

      Reply
  14. Linda

    This is stellar! We’re both speaking at the FPEA convention; and the more of your posts that I read, the more I think I should just put a recording of you on and lip-synch to it!

    Reply
  15. MsB

    I love #3. We have a saying at our house “NYC.” Not. Your. Conversation. Whenever 2 parties are talking intensely about an issue, it is against the rules for a third party to jump in unless directly asked. If they do, we say NYC! and they have to butt out.

    Reply
  16. Krisette

    Love this – I have a saying in my house “That’s a vortex…and I’m not going in!” Oh that we would not be sucked into the drama and madness 🙂

    Reply
  17. Trixie

    I guess I’m just a generally mean or impatient person because those vague-book statuses do nothing but aggravate me. My mind immediately thinks, “Seriously? Is this the ONLY way you can get attention?”, then I promptly ignore the poster. If it goes one for more than a few posts, that poor unsuspecting soul gets re-assigned to acquaintance instead of close friend. LOL. On another note; however, I post scripture on my wall all the time and no verse, EVER, has been posted as a secret jab. My posts are only intended to encourage my friends. Lastly, I have asked for prayer for an “unspoken” request, but again, it was because I wasn’t comfortable sharing my situation with the world, not because I was mad at someone. So, please don’t think that if someone is posting scripture or asking for prayer that it is a “jab” at anyone – that isn’t always the case.

    Reply
  18. Karen

    Super advice! I think the worst part about Facebook is seeing one person post an open status message which only concerns one other person, like “Had a great time at lunch with x”. So many people don’t realize this can breed jealousy and wondering, why wasn’t I included. People need to understand that if their message only concerns one person, send a private message, not an open status posting! If a person’s postings continually bother or irritate you, just “hide” their postings – you are still connected, but won’t see their postings – it will save a lot of drama in the long run! And, lots of times, I just scroll over peoples’s status updates and read homeschool postings, etc. to make sure I’m getting the most value of my time spent on Facebook!

    Reply
    1. heidistjohn Post author

      This is an EXCELLENT observation. FB posts like that do breed jealousy- it’s a great idea to stay to things that involve groups. Thanks for posting!

      Reply
  19. Vicki

    I want to thank you for this. I have halted my fingers many times lately when tempted to comment or reply to things. Even what we may consider “innocent” can be taken so off base by others.

    Reply
  20. Pingback: Gossip Girl

  21. maggie

    We are changing our household around..we have just been swimming it! So we started weeding our spiritual garden:) this is a great tool to use for our house. 🙂

    Reply
  22. Kara

    Thank you for this wonderful reminder! All too often, I’m tempted to vague-book myself. Often, I refrain…but there ARE times when my sin-nature gets the better of me and I post something I shouldn’t. Your words spoke right to my soul today! Thank you!

    Reply
  23. Randi Kreger

    I have never done this and don’t know what you’re talking about. But I don’t use quote from the bible or ask for prayers, which seems to me to be innocent.

    Reply
  24. Desi

    This is brilliant– and exactly what I’ve been feeling and needing to express here recently! I even had a conversation today about this very thing! Would it be okay if I shared one of your graphics to link back to you so I could write a ‘Declaration’ of my own for my blog?

    Reply
  25. Open Eyes

    Good advice. Any time you are around women drama seems to happen. I sometimes try to avoid it or even being around a lot of women but I myself can get caught up in it especially when I feel judged or like there is ‘talk’. When I was young, I had more guys friends- they were easier to deal with. This is a good post–very needed for us women!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *