It was 1993.
We were expecting our second baby. Our first daughter had mastered toddling and was rapidly moving into terrorizing. Ahh, the “terrible twos” were upon us.
But she was beautiful, this tottering two-year old. I could get lost in her big brown eyes. Just watching her playing in that small, sunlit corner of our living room made me smile. I had never known a love like the love that I felt for this little girl.
As my second pregnancy progressed, I wondered how it could ever be possible to love another baby as much as I loved Savannah. I could not fathom there could be room in my heart for more love.
But I was wrong. Turns out, the human heart is capable of so.much.love.
Sierra was born in December. Her eyes danced, too. Her smile was perfect. I’ll never forget the relief that washed over me when I held her in my arms for the first time. I wept like a baby. You see, I had been carrying her for the past five months under a cloud of worry. Jay and I had been told that it was more than 60% likely that she had Down Syndrome. It looked as if she had a small hole in her heart. Her measurements were “off.” We were sent to a genetic counselor.
Our options were laid out clearly: Abortion or “Take a Chance.” Amniocentesis was not something we were interested in. Abortion was absolutely out of the question. The thought of taking her life horrified and hurt us. We had seen her! Seen her heart beating. Seen her beautiful silhouette via ultrasound. Seen her little feet and seen her fully formed body.
Surely, the “experts” saw it too, this beautiful, tiny human being.
After our second visit and a level two ultrasound, our “genetic counselor” offered his best advice. We ignored it.
We took “a chance”.
“Thumbs up, mom!”
And then, we wrestled with the fear the followed the faith. Oh the fear. Every kick she made inside me said, “I’m here!” Every hiccup, every movement reminded me that she was growing. She was coming into our lives.
Sometimes, you just have to trust that God knows what He is doing.
On the day that Sierra was born, the room was full of doctors. One for neonatal intensive care. One for her heart. One to assess her for Down Syndrome.
And one to observe how it all played out.
I labored silently, determined to save as much energy as I could for my baby’s arrival. Jay put his head next to mine. I love that man.
Quietly, our daughter made her entrance into the world. For a moment, I am sure Jay and I stopped breathing. The heart specialist called for his nurse. And then ..my doctor looked up at me and his look said it all: she was healthy. No way to be sure in an instant–but we were instantly sure.
The worry and fear from the past five months came flooding to the surface of my mama’s heart. I wept as our little seven pound miracle breathed in and out on my chest.
Sometimes, the “experts” are just wrong.
Sometimes, we have no choice but to go with what we KNOW to be true, based on what God has told us about Himself. Even if Sierra would have been born with Down Syndrome or heart problems, what we knew to be true was this: God created her. He loved her. He gave her to us. And He would give us what we needed to care for her.
Choosing life for our daughter was one of the “we know it to be true” kinds of things.
Fast-forward several years.
A new parenting program was being touted at our church. We had three kids by then. And I won’t lie to you, we needed a little help.
Expert help, you could say.
We enrolled in the parenting class along with about ten other couples.
Advice abounded. A parenting formula: Mix a little-of-this with a-little-of-that and VOILA. You’ve got a kid who will respect you and respect others, obey on command, help without complaint and obey immediately without question or hesitation.
That’s what the “experts” said.
Sign me up for that! Who wouldn’t want that?
We were all so young. We wanted to do the best thing for our kids. Besides, the promise of the program resonated: if you just do ____ then your kids will turn out great.
The downside to formulaic parenting is so immense that I can’t cover it in a blog post but let me say this:
Formula and faith do not mix.
I’ll never forget the pressure that we felt as a result of that class. My husband was a worship pastor at the time. I felt like I was mothering in a giant fishbowl. People were watching. And my imperfect kids had to deal with imperfect, flawed, fearful me.
Bummer.
Formulas don’t work. There are no cookie-cutter methods for parenting. Our children are not all cut from one mold.
Sometimes, the experts are wrong.
There are principles but there are no guarantees.
There are promises but there is no way to avoid the tough realities of day-to-day mothering: It’s just hard sometimes. Parenting requires a listening, discerning spirit. I can require obedience but without the heart to obey, obedience is just another action.
For a while we were caught up in the legalism of following a formula. And it was burdensome.
During that time, I learned that parents can be particularly hard on other parents. Especially when we think we’re right and someone else is wrong.
Sometimes, I think I’m the expert.
And then, something happens that reminds me I’m not.
Thank God for grace.
Fast-forward again.
Two of our children are grown. (Where did the time go? I thought I had more time…) And I realize more with each passing day that I must depend on the Lord to help me guide each child. I also realize that God has been gracious. Our children are each so different, each with their own set of unique needs. Each situation requires me to respond differently.
True confession: I wanted an “expert” to tell me FOR SURE that our daughter was marrying the right man. (She did, by the way.) But in the end, God said, “Trust Me. Trust Me in your daughter.”
Turns out our daughter was learning to hear God during those precious years we had her at home.
Not from an expert. But from our example. Sometimes a bad example. But an example, nevertheless.
I get to be a steward of these precious ones while they are in our home. Now that I’ve seen how bad advice can skew a family, and I’ve lived long enough to see how fast the growing years go by, my perspective is changed. I’m learning to become even more intentional with the time God has given me to till and plant and nourish the lives that He has entrusted to Jay and me. As you’ve heard me say before, I’m learning to become an intentional arborist.
There are wonderful books out there on parenting. But be careful when you pick up a book that is rule-based or promises a specific result.
Every day, ask the Lord to help you as you nurture your children. I’ve been asking God for many things over the years–and these come to mind first:
- Humility. If anyone ever tells you that there are “Three Steps to a New Kid” or whatever … run. It’s a formula. And it’s prideful to boot. None of us has it all together.
- A heart to understand God’s heart. Not hard-and-fast rules. As I get older and walk with Jesus more, I realize this means I need to be reading His Word as often as I can … so that I can know His heart and not be driven by fear or by the rules of men.
- Gentleness. Gentleness is a much overlooked fruit of the Spirit. It’s evidence that God is at work. Gentleness is present when we discipline our children because the Spirit is there too.
- Discernment in discipline. Sometimes, love must be tough. Sometimes, we make decisions for our children that will allow them to feel the consequences of their actions. Discernment tells us when to use tough love and when to let the circumstance teach the child while we love them through it. There are no easy answers.
- A heart to understand my children. We can’t get to the hearts of our children by sequestering them from the world with a rule book and a list of consequences for bad behavior. Children need love and nurture along with correction. One without the other produces hard hearts.
Our options are clearly laid out for us. We can choose a path that promises a particular result, or we can “take a chance” on trusting that the promises and correction found in God’s Word will apply to each of our children exactly when they need it to.
The only real “expert” advice we can count on is found in the Bible. We don’t need to have all the answers. We just need to know the One who does.
“What if, sometimes, there are mists and fogs so thick that I cannot see the path? ‘Tis enough that You hold my hand, and guide me in the darkness; for walking with You in the gloom–is far sweeter and safer than walking alone in the sunlight!
Dear Lord, give me grace to trust You wholly, whatever may befall; yielding myself up to Your leading, and leaning hard on You when “dangers are in the path.” Your way for me has been marked out from all eternity, and it leads directly to Yourself and home!”
~Susannah Spurgeon
Just. Perfect.
SO very true – Formulas are not the way to our children’s hearts! Faith – it takes faith, prayer and everything you said. Being a parent…is humbling. It’s beautiful.
Our beautiful Molly was diagnosed with Necrosis of the Renal Collecting systems at 4 months gestation. They basically told us she did not have any kidneys. They recommended abortion. We did not have much money, I was in college finishing my degree, and the thought of being a mother to a child born with severe medical issues was devastating both emotionally, and financially. She would require dialysis until transplant kidneys could be found, if she lived that long. We were told “not to burden ourselves or society”.
At this moment we rested on our long held convictions that murder is murder, and that God is Good. We had 17 ultrasounds with a Perinatologist at Sacred Heart Hospital in Pensacola, FL. We have the medical records, we have the vidoes of the ultrasounds. Molly and I had all of the telltale symptoms of this issue, yet she continued to grow. The doctor’s decided my body was doing the work for her missing kidneys.
Molly was born on February 27, 1992, 2.5 weeks early. She weighed 7’14oz, and her color was shockingly beautiful. An ultrasound was immediately ordered for her, and much to our blessed amazement she had two beautiful, perfectly placed kidneys (yes they are BEAUTIFUL!)
Now our precious Molly has just been accepted in Medical School at Emory University to begin in June, 2013.
I am so thankful the “Experts” were wrong, and that we blindly trusted God, regardless of the outcome.
Amazing! We serve an amazing God.
Thank you for sharing. God is good all the time! Praise Him for the faith He gave you to trust Him.
One of our daughters was told that her baby had brain problems and they were sent to a number of specialists. God knew and he was fine. Then one of our daughter-in-laws was told her son would have downs syndrome and they did everything possible to get them to abort him. They said no and a few months later, he was born perfectly fine. God knows best and He knows what we need. Oh, just to learn to trust Him more. . . .
AWESOME! When I was expecting out second child, I went for a routine ultrasound. As I was leaving, the tech called my name and asked me to come back in. She said they needed a few more pictures of the baby. I knew this was not normal, so when they finished the second ultrasound, I drove directly to my OB/GYN. He called the imaging place immediately and came back into the exam room with somber news. He told me that they had found some abnormalities on the ultrasound that could indicate our baby had an extra chromosome. He referred us to a perinatologist, he said we needed to go as soon as possible. Fast forward a few days. My husband and I go to the perinatologist for an indepth ultrasound. The suspicions are confirmed. They think our baby may have something called Trisomy 18. If so, he would live for a few minutes to a few hours after birth. They recommended an immediate amniosentisis(sp?), so my husband and I could find out for sure and terminate the pregnancy. The catch? Having an amniocentisis would put me an risk for a miscarriage. My husband and I didnt even have to discuss it. ABORTION WAS NOT AN OPTION, so why have a risky procedure when the information gained would not affect our decision to continue the pregnancy. We also saw a neonatologist to discuss what to expect if the baby did have trisomy 18. So I too spent the next 5 months in agony and prayer. I didnt know if my baby would be fine, or if I would hold him just long enough to say I love you and goodbye as Jesus took him to Heaven. My labor was quiet, focused and intense. I was terrified. I looked straight at the doctor’s face trying to read any expression. As he delivered my baby boy, he gave me a HUGE smile and said, you have a healthy baby boy. Next month, that boy will be a 6’2″, 18 year old young man. GLORY TO GOD!
Glory to God!
LOVE THIS! They told me at 18yrs old I’d NEVER have kids. Then when I got pregnant 25yrs old, surprise, I was informed my womb is not “formed” completely and would miscarry. We didn’t. Then he’d be breeched with no room to move. He flipped on his own. At 38 weeks I delivered a healthy 7lb 13 oz boy. 4 years later I was induced at 40 weeks with his 8lb 8oz brother.
YES – Sometimes, the “experts” are just wrong.
Amen, Amen, Amen!
You hit the nail on the head with this one, my friend!
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing. So glad the experts were wrong. You are so right that what we need is a “listening, discerning spirit.” Well said.
Heidi…awesome post, my sister…funny though, the way I remember it, you and Jay were parenting your kids just fine back in the early days….I remember how much those 3 little kids adored their mommy and daddy….I not surprised in the least how Savannah and Sierra have turned out and I have NO
doubt that the next 5 will reflect your example of a Godly life as well
Thank you for this wonderful post.
I,too, was told that my baby boy “most likely” had Down Syndrome. He had short femurs and a thickened nuchal fold. That, coupled with the fact that my daughter has Mosaic Down Syndrome, led the ‘experts’ to insist that I needed an amnio. I refused, saying that the Lord knew best. The perinatologist told me I was crazy. I said, “That may be so, but God is in charge of this baby, not you.” I went for a fetal echocardiogram and then ultrasounds every 4 weeks to monitor his growth. We cried and prayed, terrified of what his birth would bring. We knew that no matter what, Down Syndrome or not, he would be our beautiful baby and he would be loved, but we know first hand how difficult raising a DS baby can be. Still, we waited. Feb 24, 2011 he was born. They said they “couldn’t tell” by his features and they would have to test his chromosomes. We held him and loved him and we knew in our hearts he was ok. Two days later, the hospital informed us that indeed we were correct and his chromosomes were normal. I cannot help but wonder how many babies are aborted that are perfectly fine. I also wonder what wonderful impact the babies with DS that are aborted could have made in this world. Thank you for bringing this to light!
But, you know, sometimes the experts are right. And.that.is.ok.
A child with Down Syndrome is not the end of the world.
This was my FB status on World Down Syndrome Day.
Today is World Down Syndrome. If you don’t know, our little Gloria has Down syndrome. We are so blessed to be her parents. We are so thankful for the Lord’s work in our lives. Not many years ago, while pregnant, I was given a 1 in 11 chance of the baby having Down syndrome. I was horrified, terrified, scared and freaked out. I did not want a retarded baby. Yes, I was that ignorant. Yes, I used the R word and cried my eyes out to my dad driving up 45. Over the years, God worked in me, He brought me to a place where I recognize that the value of a child does not come from chromosomes, or genetics or the number of limbs, or the any of that. The value of a child, comes from them being made in the image of God, from being fearfully and wonderfully made. Our Gloria is a dolly. Come spend time with her. She isn’t retarded, horrible or scary. She is joyful, loving, stubborn, and precious. She likes the dogs and the cats, books and coloring, swinging and climbing. She loves her big sisters and she is pretty sure that her and Noah are actually twins. She adds value to our family. We are richer because she is here. If you are living in ignorance, I urged you to pray. The Lord loves all children and you should too. You know the song, Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, He really does. He loves us all!!! Through our sin, He loves you and me.
So, Happy World Down Syndrome Day!
Gloria was adopted from Ukraine in July of 2011
I love this, Jen. I have a niece with Down’s and she is a jewel. Thanks for sharing your story!
So true!!!! I was having horrible cramps during the second and third month of my second pregnancy. I was sent in for a sonogram where the Dr told me I had had a miscarriage. I was devistated. In shock, I demanded proof! They did extensive, painful vaginal sonograms and showed me the little sacs in my uterus. Neither had a heartbeat. I said they still were mistaken. I paid a stupid amount of money to have blood tests ran and results given by end of day…it was a Fri afternoon so it was all super fast processing
and fees. The labs confirmed what the sonograms showed. My hormones had stop increasing over the past few weeks. They would schedule me for a dnc the following week. I was heartbroken as well as my husband and our families. Monday came and I received a phone call, they could get me in that afternoon to “clean things out”. I told them No! I decided to.let God and nature take its course. The Dr was not happy about my decision. I received two additional phone calls urging me to get the procedure done. I refused. After two weeks and still no physical signs of miscarriage, I went in for a check up. The Dr started the vaginal sono to see if the sac was breaking down or had become infected. To my relief and the Dr’s TOTAL shock, there was a little heart just a beating. Turns out my uterus had folded from having such a large first baby. I accepted the drs apologies, repeatedly. And 6 months later delivered a HIGE and healthy little boy! It turned out that several other women had the exact same experience at that drs office. I cant imagine how many took their advice and ended a perfectly healthy pregnancy! It is life from the moment of conception! God does NOT make mistakes. If you have a baby in your belly, it’s there for a reason!
Wow! Jennifer, I have never heard of something like that happening!!! What an amazing and miraculous story! Thank you for sharing. !!! 🙂 blessings to you.
Thank you Heidi for this post! I have longing for a formula because I am really struggling with my 11 year old. But one thing is for sure. I am holding tightly to Him now. I don’t have much of a choice! Thanks for the encouragement. 🙂
Thank you. Just simply, thank you. You have been a blessing to me today.
Love, love! Thank you! We have six kiddos, two of whom were adopted and brought home in the past year. Our life has been, ahh…”infiltrated” by several experts that have left us more frustrated than fortified, almost every time. Our greatest guidance has always been from Him, and he leads us repeatedly to His people who have actually been in our situation. Healing and wisdom meet us there.
This post and so many of the comments brings tears to my eyes. I’ve never been in this agonizing and terrifying position, but I hope and pray that if I ever am, I have the strength and conviction to face it as bravely and faithfully as you ladies did. Thank God for you all, for you precious babies, and, as you said in your blog post, thank God for grace!
Beautifully said. I use to be the rule keeper – never happy, always finding a reason to angry or yelling. God has molded and remolded my heart. I am not who I was! I read a book that has had the most impact me of any I’ve read – Loving Your Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk. It has wonderful tips, but even more it works on the heart of a person. God is so interested in the heart!!
Going to find this book now
Thank you for this. We just had our second little boy and he is beautiful and healthy. We were always very careful and he was a surprise answer to a prayer. I was terrified about accidently getting pregnant as I have a chronic condition and when the geneticist told us he might have Down syndrome or something else much worse I took it as confirmation of my own carelessness. Thankfully, I did not have to wait as long as you for confirmation that he was healthy due to a new non-invasive blood test. My husband was wonderful reminding me that we would love and care for our baby sick or not and telling me that our baby was fine. But I didn’t trust myself or him as I have a tendency to jump to the worst conclusions. The weeks of waiting and the abortion advice was terrifying and shockingly seductive to one who was despairing.
Reading your post and looking at my amazing little boy now I am in awe at God’s beauty and also reminded of how far evil will go to try to rob us of that beauty. I could have destroyed this gift and the rest of my life in an act of fear over nothing.
I appreciate the rest of this blog too. I also notice that when I read the lists on how to parent and how my child should be that I am a worse Mom and more stressed out. I have taken to placing positive quotes around my house that affirm parents and loving your children and visiting positive websites about natural parenting. Again thank you for this.
We had a similar experience with our four baby in 2004 where the “experts” said he had a high change to have Downs Syndrome. It was a faith builder not trusting in what the doctors said, but trusting in God that he would take care of all the details and knew what was best for our family (and maybe a baby with Downs Syndrome was what was best for our family). We too avoided the amnio because it wasn’t going to change anything and I couldn’t bear the fact to do a procedure that might cause me to miscarry. Our sweet son was born absolutely perfect and is such a treaure to our family just like his other siblings are.
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Thanks for sharing the story of your daughter’s birth. I too was told by my doctor to consider ending the pregnancy of my fifth child due to my history of a cardiac arrest. Like you, my husband and I knew that God alone gives or takes away life, and today we have a perfectly healthy and beautiful three-year-old little girl!
Sometimes the experts are right and that’s good too. My son does have Down syndrome and he is perfectly healthy. You CAN have it both ways.
I agree, Heather! My sister’s daughter as Down Syndrome—the experts were right, and I too am glad she chose life for her daughter! She is a delight!
Early in my second pregnancy I had a few very heavy he mortgages. I was told I miscarried but I insisted they do an ultrasound. The Dr agreed. They did one and were unable to find the baby. I asked if they would let me drink more water and have a second u/s. They agreed. There was his little heart beating away!!! Fast forward a number of weeks and they determined (through a test not authorized, and with a tech not qualified ) that our baby had DS. we had a number of tests, said no to the amino. My cervix was funnelling and I spent 4.5 long stressful months alone in bed on strict bed rest. He arrived so fast an ambulance arrived after he did! 6 contraction in less than 30 mins!! He is perfectly healthy!! Sometimes I think all this technology is a burden. Let’s just take what God gives us and trust He will give us the strength to deal with what we get
A couple of things to say.
1) Parenting a child with disabilities isn’t the end of the world: it’s just a whole new perspective on the one we live in.
2) You said in your youth you wanted “a kid who will respect you and respect others, obey on command, help without complaint and obey immediately without question or hesitation.” Well, that kid is a robot and has a hard time with independence. It’s a normal part of development for kids to disobey sometimes – even good kids. But, I’m sure you know that by now. My oldest just got married, too, so I understand the anxiety over letting go and trusting the child to make good decisions – trusting them to hear and follow that true voice. It’s not easy for us moms, but it’s what we do.
Heidi your title couldn’t have said it better. My water broke at 13 weeks. Yes. 13 weeks. Our little guy had a strong healthy heartbeat but I was told to expect to miscarriage within the next few hours. It didn’t happen. 2 days later I hemorrhaged. My placenta was covering my cervix and had partially abrupted. But our little guy hung on. For the next few weeks I had bigger & bigger ruptures & hemorrhages. But our little hung on & miraculously I never had an issue with all the blood loss. Our dr gently asked about abortion, telling us that he was required to ask but would do everything he could to save our baby. The birth defects associated with having no amniotic fluid are horrendous. Lungs & kidneys don’t develope, the arm and leg bones are curved like a letter C, the list went on. Well meaning family members told us it would be much kinder to abort our baby than to let him suffer. By 24 weeks, amniotic fluid levels were high enough to warrant a diagnosis of “reseal” but another wrench was thrown at us. Our baby had markers for Down Syndrome. A fetal echocardiogram and DNA testing were ordered. Both came back negative. Then I went into preterm labor. Our little guy was born 6 weeks early, weighing over 6 lbs. He was perfectly healthy! He got to go home with me at 48 hours! He is now 5 months old. Imagine if we had listened to all those well meaning family members! What may seem like an impossibility and a hopeless situation to us, to GOD it’s a time for miracles,to show his mercy, love & power! Don’t deny GOD that chance.
Elizabeth, THAT is an amazing testimony! Thank you for sharing it! Wow—I love what you said, “Don’t deny God that chance.” Yes.
What a perfect post. Just perfect.
I have four special needs kids: 20, 17, 16, 5. Autism, ADHD, bipolar disorder, epilepsy — that’s the first one. Then ADHD. Diabetes. The youngest has ADHD, dyslexia, migraines.
All are fearfully and wonderfully made by our loving God.
Yes they are, Terrie! Thanks for this. <3
Thanks, Heidi, for the lovely post. And EVERYONE, for the encouraging comments.
And sometimes the experts are wrong the other way and that is beautiful too. All of our prenatal test and ultrasounds came back clear and our son was born with Down syndrome. He is healthy! He is beautiful! And he has been my greatest teacher. He is amazing and the greatest gift I never knew I wanted. God has incredible plans for my boy with designer genes and anyone who gives up the gift of raising a child with ds, or any other special need, has no idea what incredible joy and blessings they are missing!
I agree, Melissa. My niece has DS and she’s lovely, healthy and beautiful. My point was not that these children are not all of those things, it was that we should not always follow the advice of doctors. Every life is precious but if we had listened, like so many do, to the advice of those who wanted us to abort our daughter, we would have missed out. As I said in my post, abortion was out of the question. We were far less worried about the DS than we were about the other possible abnormalities she supposedly faced, but at the end of the day, we made the decision to choose life. Life is worth protecting—something we have forgotten in the culture today.
I also was told my son was going to have Down syndrome, and he didn’t. And, yes, we celebrated that we were “spared.” Then we were told the same with out youngest, and she was born with Down syndrome. And I accepted the view your post implies that she wasn’t healthy, wasn’t a miracle, wasn’t perfect….for about 3 seconds. Before I realized all children are miracles. All children are perfect. And though you may not have meant to, your article and the comments condone and will encourage the estimated 90% abortion rate of babies with Down syndrome. Oh and my 2 children who were born healthy and perfect have had health issues that have made Down syndrome a cake walk. Ultrasounds do not predict the future. They do not see souls or hearts or beauty. They do not predict guarantee healthy and happy. All children deserve a chance, and your well-written, beautiful blog may show up an an expecting parent’s Google search and help take away that baby’s chance. That is far more tragic than the experts getting it wrong.
Hi Diane. Thanks for commenting. I’m going to challenge you just a little, because I believe you are allowing yourself to become offended rather than see the heart behind my post. “And I accepted the view your post implies that she wasn’t healthy, wasn’t a miracle, wasn’t perfect….for about 3 seconds.”
My post doesn’t “imply” anything other than the fact that I was prepared for what to me felt frightening… a hole in my baby’s heart, malformed limbs, down syndrome. I chose life. I would not have loved her any less, but to suggest that I think kids with DS are less than beautiful is totally wrong and misses the heart of my post. My point was that choosing life is always the right option, and that the medical community’s callous disregard for human life. To the medical “experts” my baby’s life was disposable, for the simple reason that they thought Sierra might be disabled. What a tragedy.