Author Archives: Wendy Hilton

About Wendy Hilton

Hi! I'm Wendy. I live in the South with my wonderful hubby and 3 great special needs kiddos. I'm a Christian, homeschooling, work-from-home mom. I've homeschooled for 17 years, and I love encouraging moms who homeschool their special needs kids!

Confession: I Have a Comparison Problem

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TBM The Problem with Making Comparisons March 2015

I have a problem with making comparisons. Sometimes making comparisons can be a good thing, like when one is comparing prices when shopping in order to get the best deal. There are other times when it’s a very bad thing! For example, it’s a bad idea to compare your husband or children to someone else’s. That does not usually turn out well! In those situations, comparisons simply serve to make us feel “less than” someone else, feel sorry for ourselves, and make us look at our circumstances and choose to be unhappy.

I was talking with another mom recently, and she shared that her husband was very unhappy with their teenage daughter. The daughter is very bright, but she just doesn’t apply herself to her school work. She’s also not very motivated when it comes to helping around the house or in the yard. She’s a talented musician, a very creative writer, and a sweet girl who is always polite and kind to others, yet her father isn’t happy with her because he sees other young women her age who make straight A’s and help in the house or yard without being asked. Instead of being thankful for his daughter and the gifts and talents she possesses, he sees what she doesn’t possess.

As I was listening to this mom tell me about her sadness because her husband is so displeased with their daughter, I realized that I often do the same thing! Instead of being thankful for my children and their own unique personalities and talents, I often find myself wishing they were different in one way or another.

For example, my 18-year-old son does not enjoy his school work and really isn’t terribly motivated to make good grades (except that, because we homeschool, he has to redo assignments until I’m satisfied with his work). Over the years, I’ve wished many times that he would do his school work cheerfully and that he might even be able to enjoy it to some degree. Guess what? He’ll graduate from our homeschool next year, and he still doesn’t enjoy doing school. And he still doesn’t really care a whole lot about making good grades—except to keep from doing assignments over again.

But I’ve begun to realize that, although school may never be something he enjoys, I can be proud of him for the other talents he possesses. For example, he’s extremely smart and creative. From the time he was a little guy, about 2 or 3 years old, he could tell you nearly anything you wanted to know about any dinosaur that ever existed. And he could take blocks or Legos and create quite a complicated habitat for his toy dinosaurs.

As he’s gotten older, he’s branched out into building wonderful Lego ships and elaborate space stations. He’s also quite talented at strategy games (both board games and video games). So, while I admit that I would have loved to see him take pride in his school work and be motivated to make good grades, he is definitely talented in other areas and in other ways, and I’m thankful for that.

Isn’t it a good thing God doesn’t decide how much He loves us based on our achievements and talents or any other criteria? He loves my children and me simply because He made each of us! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we were that way? If we could (or would) simply stop worrying about what our children (or we ourselves) don’t have and be thankful for what we do have? If we would stop comparing our husbands or children or houses or cars to others and be grateful instead?

God loves each one of us unconditionally! He loves each one of us simply because He made us! If we never make good grades or go to college. If we never have a job with a fancy title or earn a degree with lots of letters behind it. If we never bring thousands of people to salvation. If we are simply His children living quiet lives of service to Him, that’s enough. If we’re never well-known. If we never make a lot of money. If we simply remain faithful to our husbands and take care of our children and teach them to love Him, it’s enough.

So next time you feel discouraged, remember that God loves you. The next time you feel worthless, remember that you have worth simply because God created you! The next time you wonder if God loves you, remember that He loves you simply because you belong to Him. The next time you wonder if what you’re doing really matters, remember that it does because He gave you your job as wife and mother. And that is enough.

How to Love Your Husband While Bringing Up Special Needs Kids

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I thought it would be a great time to begin a discussion about helping your marriage thrive while bringing up special needs kids. Being a parent of a special needs child adds an extra challenge to what is already a difficult job! I know that, at least in the case of autistic children like my daughter, these children often take years to potty train, may be non-verbal, may not be able to feed or bathe or dress themselves even as teenagers and adults, and may not sleep well. It can be kind of like having a baby or toddler for a lifetime instead of a few years. Most parents eventually reach the years during which their children are more independent, but for the parents of special needs kids, that day may never come.

The Busy Mom February 2015 Resized

Having a happy marriage, though, IS possible! Yes, we face difficult circumstances, but we do not have to sacrifice our marriages because of our circumstances. (With all that said, though, ALL of us–those with special needs kids and those with “neuro-typical” kids–could probably stand to do more to help our marriages thrive, right? So whether you have special needs kiddos or not, I hope this information blesses you!)

I don’t remember when I came across The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary D. Chapman, but I wish I had come across it much sooner! I think it would have been so helpful for my husband and me to have known about love languages and affirming each other’s love language 24 years ago when we were first married. We didn’t know that we spoke different love languages or that we needed to each meet the other’s needs to be loved in the way each of us understood. We probably each thought we were doing all we could do to love the other.

And to be truthful, when our autistic daughter was younger (She’s 19 now.) and required so very much care and attention for so many years, we were both exhausted and burned out much of the time. I wonder sometimes how we survived–much less how we stayed married! But we had promised God and each other that we’d stick together, so we were determined to do it! The love languages book surely did make it easier, though!

Basically, there are 5 love languages. You can read about them here, but it’s even better if you can read the book since it goes into much more detail with a lot of helpful information. They are:

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Acts of Service
  3. Receiving Gifts
  4. Quality Time
  5. Physical Touch

I realized that my husband has 2 primary love languages. (Most of us have more than one.) His are quality time and physical touch. My husband loved (and still loves) movies and television shows. He has always enjoyed sitting down in the evening—especially after the children are in bed or in their rooms for some quiet time before bed—and watching a movie or TV show. I never took the time to sit and watch a show with him because I was always too busy. Once the kiddos were in their rooms or in bed was the only time I had to catch up on everything I needed to get done! When I reminded myself that quality time was one of his love languages, it became easier for me to set aside what I thought needed to be done and spend 45 minutes or an hour watching something with him simply because he enjoyed it when I did. (Keep in mind that it’s his idea of quality time, not mine, that meets his need!)

His other love language is physical touch. I think most men speak that one! I realized I also was not spending time giving my husband the physical affection he needed—inside or outside of the bedroom. That was difficult for me for a long time because my children were so physically needy that I felt like I had nothing left to give at the end of the day. I didn’t want anyone touching me or needing anything from me once the children were in bed. But once I began to understand that physical touch was one of his most important love languages and that he didn’t feel loved if his physical needs weren’t being met, it helped me understand his needs and that he wasn’t being selfish or uncaring. He simply needed me.

This doesn’t mean that my husband doesn’t appreciate acts of service, words of affirmation, or receiving gifts. It just means that those aren’t as important to him. Those are the love languages that he might appreciate having met now and then, but they aren’t necessary for him to feel loved on a day-to-day basis.

You can probably guess that, as a busy work-from-home, homeschooling mom, my most important love language (at least right now) is acts of service! My sweet hubby is wonderful about helping with the laundry (my downfall!) as well as helping to keep the kitchen clean. Now that the children are older, they are required to help a lot more too, but my husband makes sure it gets done one way or another, and that means so much to me! (It also helps free up more time for me to spend with him—and he knows that!)

Over time, we began to realize that meeting the other person’s needs made each of us happier too! We didn’t start out doing a very good job of it at all, but we have improved with time and effort, and you can too!

Heidi St John Guide to Romance

What if your husband doesn’t speak your love language? What can you do? Is there a way to have a happy marriage when only one spouse cares enough to work at it? Those are some of the questions I plan to address in the future, so be sure to come back! And if you have specific questions you’d like to see addressed, please leave them in the comments.

Trusting God When Life Is Hard

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Do you ever allow yourself to get carried away with worry? I sure do! It can be overwhelming trying to homeschool 3 children (one of whom is severely autistic and another who has Asperger’s), keep the house clean, get the laundry done, feed everyone, be a loving wife, take care of church obligations, and work from home. The list looks so long when I stop to think about it! Your list may look a lot like mine, or it may look completely different. When you are a wife and mother, though, it’s almost certain that your list is long!

Recently, I’ve had several days during which I was literally on the verge of panic. I felt overwhelmed, tired, stressed out, and had trouble focusing on any of the things I needed to do. When I feel that way, it’s hard not to question God. After all, God could change my circumstances if He chose to do so. He could cure my children of their autism and Asperger’s. (He could cause them to be a little more compliant while He’s at it!) He could bless us with more money so I could hire a housekeeper to help with the work. There are so many ways He could change things to make life easier for all of us!

For a long time, I couldn’t understand why He didn’t do something. But lately I’ve started to realize that I need to choose not to worry about why God doesn’t change my circumstances. I don’t think it’s wrong to pray and ask God to heal my special needs children or help me identify ways to help keep the house clean, but I do think I must stop allowing myself to become frustrated and unhappy when He doesn’t do it my way. In other words, I have to learn to truly trust God. To understand that, even though I may not be able to see past my current situation, God can. Not only that, but He will make sure that whatever happens works out for the best!

 

Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
At times it is literally impossible for me to know how a certain thing can possibly work out for my good or anyone else’s.  When something tragic occurs, it seems as if no good could ever come out of it.  To be honest, I would never voluntarily go through adversity, but I know there will be times when these situations will happen anyway.
How can God use my daughter’s autism for good? How can God work it out for everyone’s best when He allows my son to have Asperger’s? And how can my inability to keep my house clean possibly ever work out for the best? Yet no matter what, I can know that at the very least God will use these situations to allow me to know better how to comfort and support others who are experiencing similar circumstances. And He can use these situations to teach me to rely on Him and not myself.
2 Corinthians 1:4, Paul wrote that “God comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”
For now, I’m taking it one step at a time. I’m praying that God will help me obey and trust Him whether or not I understand what’s going on in my life. I’m choosing to remember that God will work things out for my good (and the good of my family members too). I’m choosing not to try to “help God out” by doing things my way. (That never really works out very well anyway, does it?) And I’m believing that God will honor my efforts to trust Him without question and that He will keep His promises. 
What about you? Do you have trouble allowing God to be in control? Do you get depressed or upset when your situation is difficult? Maybe you can agree with me that God will take care of us. That He loves us. That He will do what’s best for us. If you’re in that situation and you’d like to leave your prayer request in the comments, please do that. I’ll be happy to agree with you in prayer that God will work each situation out for His glory and our good!
 

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holidays with autism

Surviving the Holidays with Autism – It Is Possible!

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 TBM Surviving the Holidays with Autism Pinnable Image

As the mom of one child with severe autism (age 19) and another with Asperger’s  (age 17),  I’ve learned a few tips and tricks over the years for surviving the holidays with kiddos who have autism or other sensory issues. So many children (and adults) now days have sensory issues, and it’s not always easy to know how to handle the holidays with everything that comes along with them : visitors, bright lights, new toys, traveling, new foods, and so on. I hope this information is helpful to you! Of course you may have to tweak things here and there so that they work for your specific child and family, but my prayer is that this will help you head in the right direction.

  1. Think about your child’s sensory needs and triggers ahead of time. If, for example, you have to go somewhere where there will be lots of people, plan ahead of time for a place your child can go for a break from the noise and chaos. A small room might be the perfect place. If that’s not possible, maybe he could even take a break outside in the car. (Just be sure a responsible adult or older teenager can go with him if he’s not where you can easily see him.)
  2. Remember that bright lights and singing Christmas carols may make you happy, but they may be “too much” for an autistic person. You may want to simply ask her if she’d like to leave the room (or stay someplace quiet—possibly with a grandparent or friend)instead of attending an event where there will be lots of bright lights and singing. Also, keep in mind that she may not enjoy driving around town to see the Christmas lights. But be sure to give her a choice! My autistic daughter loves to hear folks sing Christmas carols, but my son finds it very hard to deal with and does not enjoy it at all!
  3. To autistic people, being surprised may cause anxiety! For many years, my daughter refused to open Christmas presents with the rest of the family. It made me so sad that she wouldn’t join in the fun! What I didn’t realize was that being surprised wasn’t fun for her. It made her feel anxious. As she’s gotten older, she’s gotten more willing to open presents with the rest of us as long as she only has 1 or 2 presents to open. This allows her to join in the fun, yet it keeps her from being overwhelmed and feeling anxious.
  4. Keep in mind that many autistic folks don’t like new stuff. Most of us really look forward to opening presents and getting new things. Many autistic people, though, don’t like new things at all! They like what’s familiar to them—the things they’re used to that make them feel safe and secure. It might be a good idea to do what my family has always done. We simply explain to folks (especially friends who want to give my daughter a gift) that Hannah needs time to get used to something before she can begin to enjoy it. Then, in a few days or a few weeks once she’s gotten used to something and is willing to use it, play with it, etc., we take a picture of her with the new item and send it to the gift giver.
  5. Another possibility is to allow your autistic child to open 1 present each day for several days. If getting several new things on the same day causes stress for your child, allow him to open only 1 present each day for several days. You can start opening a few days before Christmas, or you can start on Christmas and finish up on whatever day you run out of gifts.
  6. Make sure all gifts will be ready to use or play with as soon as they are opened. When we wrap gifts for my daughter, we make sure to remove any packaging (such as shrink-wrap that movies and CDs are often packaged in) so that it’s ready the minute she gets it open. My daughter loves stuffed animals. We always make sure all tags have been removed before we wrap any stuffed animals so she won’t have to wait for us to remove tags after she opens the gift.
  7. Practice what to say after opening gifts from friends or relatives! If your child is verbal, it’s a good idea to practice with him ahead of time to be sure he knows what to say and how to respond appropriately after opening a gift. You might have him simply say, “Thank you for the gift!” That way, he won’t say something like, “I already have one of these,” or, “ I don’t like this.” Most autistic folks are completely honest and don’t understand that it’s not always appropriate to say exactly what you think. (Ask me how I know this…)
  8. Do a Christmas count-down. Several days before Christmas (or before a Christmas event such as a gathering at someone’s home or at church), begin counting down the days until the event occurs. Many children will do best with some sort of visual count-down like marking off days on a calendar or making a paper chain and cutting off one link each day. Discuss each day what will happen, who will be there, etc.
  9. Try to keep as many familiar routines, foods, and friends as possible. It’s often best to try to keep your routines as “normal” as possible for an autistic person. Even if that just means getting up and going to bed at the usual times, eating the usual foods at meals (at least the meals that you have at home), and maintaining a daily schedule that includes at least some familiar activities, this will help your autistic child feel more secure and not so anxious and out-of-control.
  10. Prepare to get back to a normal routine once the holidays are over. It’s often very hard for autistic folks to handle a routine that’s completely different over the holidays. It’s also difficult sometimes to get back to the usual routine once the holidays are over. Some children who deal with depression and anxiety may actually have times of sadness and anxiety when the holidays are over and it’s time to get back to school or work, etc. This might be another good time to use a calendar to mark off the days or to use a paper chain and cut off one link each day as the “deadline” approaches.

The truth is that helping your autistic child make it through the holidays can be challenging. But by planning ahead and recruiting help from friends or relatives, you can do your best to help make this holiday season fun and enjoyable for the whole family.

Do you have any tips or tricks to share with other moms of children with autism or other sensory disorders? We’d love for you to share them with us!

Image courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/ “Christmas Lights Glowing (blur motion background)” by artur84. 

Loving and Living with Your Special Needs Child

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Special Needs Child

Isn’t it amazing how many lessons we learn from our children? When I began homeschooling, I thought my children were supposed to learn from me. I had no idea that the situation would quite often work in reverse! Over the last few weeks, I’ve learned a really hard lesson. I hope this blesses those of you who struggle with similar situations—especially those who have special needs children.

This story began months ago. I found myself becoming resentful about taking care of my 19-year-old daughter who is severely autistic. You see, for 19 years, I’ve been bathing her, brushing her teeth, dressing her, preparing meals and supervising her eating, dealing with her anxiety and meltdowns and resistance to going places and to being around people, taking care of all of her personal needs, dealing with extreme sensory issues and aversions to most kinds of foods, and homeschooling her at the same time. (We tried a public school program for autistic children as well as having her mainstreamed in a regular-ed classroom, but that disaster story will have to wait until another day.) My daughter is completely non-verbal and has very poor motor skills, so she needs the kind of care that most children only require for the first few years. To be honest, I just got tired.

It seemed as if one day I woke up and thought, “I simply cannot do this one more day.” I was mentally and physically worn out. I had trouble thinking about how I could keep doing this year after year after year—especially since this isn’t something she will grow out of—it’s a life-long situation. I became overwhelmed and stressed and anxious about it. I tried to pray and ask God to give me a better attitude. I tried to reason with myself. I tried to force myself not to feel resentful or angry. But it didn’t work.

Then, a few weeks ago, my daughter suddenly got very sick. The doctor admitted her to the hospital to try to find out what was wrong. (She wasn’t able to tell us what was wrong since she’s non-verbal.) She ended up being in the hospital for a very difficult week. It turned out that she had pneumonia in both lungs and was in a good bit of pain. She had become dehydrated too.

As I was there in the hospital with my daughter, who was completely helpless and dependent on her daddy and me to speak for her, make sound medical decisions, take care of her, and reassure her that things would be better soon, I realized something. I realized that my daughter, even though she can’t express it with words, was always calmer when her daddy and I were close by than when the doctors and nurses were close by. I realize that, if her daddy and I were giving her medication, she took it (mostly) without incident. I realized that, if her drip needed to be changed or flushed out, she would allow me to do it, but she would have had a meltdown if a nurse did it. I realized that she trusted her daddy and me. She knew that we loved her and were there to take good care of her. She wasn’t worried that we were trying to hurt her. It was then that God brought this verse to mind:

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

That’s when my heart began to soften again toward my daughter. That’s when God reminded me that He loves and cares for me no matter whether I’m grateful or obedient or faithful to Him. He allowed me to see my daughter as He sees me—helpless, not knowing the best way to take care of myself, not understanding at times what is going on around me or why or what to do about it. But just like my daughter was completely dependent on her daddy and me, if I will allow Him, God will comfort me, show me the right path, take care of me…just like my daughter trusts me to do for her. It was at that point that I began to realize what a privilege it is to have a daughter who loves me and trusts me that much!

My daughter is much better now and is completely well. In other words, for her, life is getting “back to normal.” I hope, however, that life never gets “back to normal” for me. I hope instead to remember this hard lesson and to continue to understand that, even on the hard days, God is taking care of us. I know I’ll still have times when my attitude isn’t what it should be toward my daughter (or my other children, for that matter). But I also know that God used this situation to change my heart and give me a new love for my daughter. And I hope I never forget this lesson, and that’s why I’m sharing it with you.

No, God doesn’t always make the way easy for us, but He always loves us and cares for us. And I’m thankful to Him for reminding me that I’m loved and cared for even when I’m going through difficult times. Would I heal my daughter today if it were possible? Yes! But in the mean time, I love my daughter just the way she is.

It is my prayer that, if you are the parent of a special needs child, you will allow God to be your comfort and your strength. You won’t ever be perfect—I’m certainly not. But I believe that God honors our efforts and sees our hearts. And for that I am grateful.

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Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net. “Shoes” by ningmilo.

Caring for Yourself While Caring for Your Special Needs Child

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Being a mom is one of the best things that has ever happened to me! And it’s also one of the hardest. I love my children just like you love yours, but it’s still so hard sometimes. I used to feel guilty when I admitted—even to myself—that being a mom isn’t always easy. I thought it meant I didn’t love my kids—or at least that I didn’t like them, but after being a mom for 2 decades, I realize that isn’t true and that there’s no need to feel guilty.

And while it’s true that bringing up children is difficult at times, it can be even more difficult when you have special needs children. At times it’s much harder. At times we moms of special needs kids feel so hopeless and helpless.

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At times we ask for help from those around us and get rejected or ignored. Sometimes we even get a pat on the back and an “I-think-you’re-doing-such-a-great-job” from those to whom we’re crying out for help. I know I’ve been there.

For years everyone thought I was doing such a wonderful job coping with my severely autistic daughter, my son with Asperger’s, and my younger daughter with ADHD. I tried asking for help. I tried letting folks know that things were getting to be too much for me. But nobody took me seriously. Nobody realized that things really had gotten to be too much for me to handle alone. Until one day I crashed. I completely fell apart.

Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t making myself clear. My family and friends simply thought I needed reassurance and encouragement. They didn’t realize I was warning them that I literally. could. not. keep. going. any. longer. I tried to explain to them in words what I needed, but I couldn’t. I really couldn’t quite admit it to myself, and I certainly couldn’t figure out how to put it into words for someone else to hear. So I gave up. I quit trying to explain it to them. I hung in there as long as I could…until I couldn’t any more.

At that point, several close family members said things like, “I thought you were handling everything so well. I didn’t know you were asking me for help. I had no idea you felt so overwhelmed and buried and burned out. I feel so terrible! Why didn’t you tell me?” The answer was that I had tried to tell them. Over and over I had tried. And they had listened, but they hadn’t understood.

Whether you have “typical” children or special needs children, whether you have one child or 10 children, whether you’re handling things really well or whether you’re struggling, you need support and encouragement and help from others.

  • If you have friends or relatives nearby who are willing to help, let them! Don’t feel like you’re the only one who can take care of your special needs child. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of your child. Sooner or later it will catch up with you. I found that out the hard way.
  • If you don’t have friends or family close by, go to your church family. Many churches—especially larger ones—have ministries for families with special needs children. Even if your church doesn’t have such a ministry, you need to make your needs known and ask for help.
  • Find out if there’s a caregiver support group near you. If so, other parents of special needs children can provide true understanding and emotional support. Or perhaps you’re friends with another mom or two have children with special needs. Talk to those moms. Share your struggles and ideas and encourage one another. It can help so much just to know that you’re not alone. I know that sounds cliché, but it really is true!
  • Keep a list of specific needs that you and/or your special needs child have. Be prepared so that when someone says, “Let me know what I can do to help” you’re ready to answer! Jot down ideas for things others can do to help as you think of them. These could be one-time things or something you need on a regular basis. When we’re on the spot or in a hurry, we don’t always think clearly. Keeping this list will help you let folks know how to help you when they offer.
  • If it is at all possible (and sometimes I know it’s not), give yourself a break and get away—even if it’s just for a few hours or overnight. I know from experience that it’s very hard to leave my special needs kiddos, but I also know that, at least for me, it is absolutely necessary. I’m very blessed to be able to get away once in a while—even if it’s just for a few hours of browsing in the book store or going to see a movie with a friend. If you can possibly get time away, take it! It will be great for you and your child.

We would love to hear your ideas for helping moms with special needs kids or your ideas for how you, as the mom of special needs children, would like to be helped. Please share! 

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10 Ways to Show Your Teens That You Like Them

You Are Awesome! 10 Ways to Show Your Teens That You Like Them

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“Mom, why don’t you love me just like I am? Why do you want me to be someone I’m not?!” These words were recently spoken by my son. How on earth had I given this child whom I love more than life the idea that I don’t love him just as he is? And how could I show him that I do?

10 Ways to Show Your Teens That You Like Them

My son is 17 years old and has Asperger’s. He knows he’s different than most other people his age, and he struggles with that. But what he doesn’t realize yet is that many teens struggle with feeling different. With feeling like they don’t belong. With feeling like they’re not good enough or even, at times, like their parents don’t love them—or at least don’t like them very much.

One of the reasons I joined The Busy Mom is to encourage other moms of special needs kiddos. I have 3 of them. My oldest is severely autistic and totally non-verbal. My son has Asperger’s and struggles with serious sensory issues. My youngest has ADHD. So I’m definitely here to encourage and (hopefully) help other moms of special needs kids.

But sometimes, whether our kids are neuro-typical or not, they’re going to struggle—and so are we as parents. I suppose if we didn’t struggle at times, we would feel like we have it all under control. Like we don’t need God. But we do. And He loves us enough to let us learn the hard way if necessary.

So how can we show our children that we love them just as they are? That they don’t have to be smarter or prettier or stronger or richer or anything other than who they are? Here are some ideas to get you (any myself!) started.

  1. Don’t compare him to others. Don’t ever say, “The Johnson children always obey when their mom tells them to take out the trash. Why can’t you take out the trash just once without complaining about it?!” Instead, say something like, “I really appreciate it when you take out the trash without complaining.”
  2. Take opportunities to point out the good in your children. These opportunities may be few and far between at first, but they should increase with time and positive feedback.
  3. Learn each child’s love language and speak it as often as possible. A great book on this topic is The Five Love Languages of Teenagers: The Secret to Loving Teens Effectively by Gary D. Chapman. If you intentionally speak your child’s love language, your child will come to feel loved and accepted. This is definitely a step in the right direction.
  4. Spend time with your children. I know it sounds crazy to tell you to spend time with your children because you already spend lots of time with them, right? The time I’m talking about, however, is time doing something your child enjoys. Our children feel like we are required to love them, but they know that doesn’t necessarily mean we like them. If we spend time now and then enjoying something with our children that they enjoy, that will communicate to them that we not only love but also like them.
  5. Don’t bring up your child’s past mistakes.  This can be a hard one, but it’s extremely important! None of us like having our past mistakes brought up—and that includes our kids.
  6. Tell your kiddos that you like them—not just that you love them. Now and then, I hug one of my children and simply say, “Hey, I like you!” and give that child a big hug and kiss. (My son is obviously “due” for another one of these!)
  7. Explain to your child that it’s ok if he or she isn’t like everyone else (especially if you have a special needs child). If possible, you might even want to point out some traits in your child that are particularly good and that others might not necessarily possess.
  8. Take your child’s hopes, dreams, and plans seriously. If you do, your child will know that you truly do care. That you really want what’s best for him or her. Sure our children will from time to time have a plan that we know ahead of time just won’t work. Sometimes, though, our children have to learn lessons the hard way. But we can be there to support them and to encourage them to make a new plan and try again!
  9. Make sure your children know that they can talk to you about anything as long as they do it in a respectful way. If our children are afraid we’ll fuss at them or get angry with them when they talk to us about certain things, they won’t be willing to come to us. It makes our children feel accepted and important (especially our older teens) when we’re willing to truly listen and consider what they have to say and to talk with them on a more “adult” level.
  10. As your child’s opinion about things. I’ve noticed that when I ask my son’s opinions about things—even small things such as what to make for dinner or what book I should read next—it makes him feel important and like I value his opinion (which I do). It’s such a little thing, but it can truly make a big difference in his attitude and in his perceived value in the family.

Obviously I need to read back over this list now and then and remind myself to intentionally show and tell my children that I love them, like them, and am thankful for each of them. I hope these ideas help you too—or at least that they spark some ideas that you can use with your own children.

Do you have any tips to share? We would love to hear your ideas on how you help your children understand that you love them and that you like them just as they are!

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