Women love to exchange birth stories. There’s something wonderful about sharing our birth experiences with each other. We need to know that someone else knows what we just went through. We need to share the mystery and even the drama that unfolded during birth. It’s all part of the process, this story-telling. It’s part of what helps us connect.
When I was in my twenties, I was fascinated with pregnancy. I became certified to teach childbirth classes and even wrote my own curriculum to teach them. I loved the helping first-time moms get some sort of idea about what they would experience during labor and delivery—but honestly? You can’t ever be totally ready for all that a birth will bring.
Babies come when they want to, how they want to. Something has surprised me about childbirth though. It seems to have become some sort of competition. We’ve moved beyond comparing stories about our births to making blanket statements about how birth should be.
It’s time we stopped doing that.
I have strong opinions about many things regarding birth based on my own seven unique experiences—and that’s okay. What’s not okay is when I take my experience and make it another mother’s job to imitate my experience. I’m tired of hearing the same ol’ same ol’ myths about childbirth that hung over me when I was having babies. My kids are just starting to have their own babies now, but I see the Mommy Wars are still raging.
As women, can we agree that pregnancy and birth is a miracle? It really is. Women are under enough pressure without having to feel like there’s a Pinterest Perfect way to have a baby. So excuse while I rant for just a moment—in the hope that my girls will be more free to just “have a baby” than I was when they were born.
Myth One – and this is just for fun. Don’t get mad.
Breathing helps.
Truth? It doesn’t help. It’s an age-old distraction technique, designed to help you think about something besides the pain. Breathing is also necessary to living. (side note there.) My childbirth instructor may have fibbed to me about the benefits of breathing—but last week, as I was at my sister’s labor, I heard myself saying to her, “Relax your face. Relax your hands. Breathe in slowly. In through your nose, out through your mouth.” So maybe it does take pain away. She didn’t say.
Actually, I do think breathing helps. I take it back.
Myth Two
Pain relief medication {of any kind} makes childbirth less “natural.”
I’ll never forget being asked if I was going to have a “natural” birth when I was pregnant with my second child. The only advantage I had when I was asked this ridiculous question was that I had already given birth once before—so I knew the lengths to which my body would need to go to expel said child.
Here’s my question: Why doesn’t anyone ask if you’re going to have a “natural” root canal or a “natural” headache? Why is birth only “natural” when you do it without pain medicine?
Why do women do this to other women? I would really like to know.
How many moms have been made to feel like they somehow failed because they asked for an epidural or a hit of fentanyl in the middle of the WORST PAIN THEY HAD EVER EXPERIENCED in their life?
Moms: it’s okay to get some pain relief whether you’ve had enough after fifteen minutes of excruciating pain or suffered through 15 hours of it. If you don’t need it, then for heaven’s sake, don’t get it—but please don’t declare that you had a “natural birth” simply because you didn’t ask for pain relief via drugs. We don’t live in the middle ages. You don’t need to apologize requesting some pain relief when you’re in labor.
Let’s be clear: If the baby comes out of you—it’s a natural birth.
What makes an un-natural birth, anyway? Would that be the kind where aliens come down and do it for you? I think I’d buy it if that was the case.
Can we all agree that the person who can determine her pain threshold is the woman giving birth? She should be the only one who determines when enough is enough.
Those of you who have your babies and have never been pushed to the point of asking for pain meds—there’s no need to broadcast it to the world. When you do that, you just make the woman in the room next to you feel like she failed because she took the “loser” way out and asked for drugs.
Let’s let birth be birth and celebrate the miracle, not the pain tolerance level of someone who’s body we don’t live in.
Myth Three
Hospitals are bad.
I’ve told my daughters that I am exceedingly thankful—no, more than that—I’m totally humbled that I’ve had access to great doctors, nurses, midwives and doulas for my births. I surely would have died during two of my births were it not for the quick thinking of nurses and amazing medical care that I received in a hospital. I’m grateful that when I needed it, I was where I could get emergency intervention. I’m sure it saves lives.
And speaking of which: if you’ve had a c-section like my sister, daughter and best friend: I salute you. It takes a particular kind of surrender to do that, from what I’ve observed. I’ve heard my friends say they wish they could have had a “natural” birth—but yet—as I told my daughter, the miracle of birth is not just the birth itself, it is the baby that lives to give breath to the story.
Women’s lives have been saved by c-sections. Last week, when my sister was laboring, she suffered a placental abruption and had to be rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section. Thank God for the medical advances that women have access to today.
Hospitals are not the enemy. We are our own worst enemy when we insist on using terms like “natural birth” as if mothers who have c-sections and/or epidurals haven’t done it right.
The goal of labor is a healthy baby and a healthy mother. Healthy deliveries look different ways, and that’s okay. Let’s end the Labor and Delivery Mommy Wars and start just saying “Way to go! You had a baby!”
That’s the point, after all. To celebrate, congratulate and stare in wonder at the new little person who has just made their grand entrance into this world.
There will be other wars to fight. Let’s stop waging this one.
thank you so much for being so real! I have had to have 3 c-sections…1st delivery I was in labor for over 14 hours, pushed for 3 AND then had to have a c-section. I was in so much pain. I felt like a failure because I was not able to have a baby the “natural” way. (WITH medicine). I get so angry when I hear women say that c-secs are awful and that medicine is awful. Some of us have no choice. When I was in labor I had an epidural and I still felt my contractions. I cannot even imagine the pain I would have been in if I hadn’t had have meds. So thank you for making these statements! I will be sharing this blog. 🙂
Thank-you for saying this. I’m so sick of society pitting women against each other. And as for “natural” childbirth. That would have meant I would have been home, with my husband, and maybe a midwife, and both my daughter and I would have died. Instead I had an emergency c-section, and took my perfectly healthy baby girl home a few days later.
Thanks for that. I had twins by emergency c-section at eight months. (The doctors freaked out) I’m still coming to terms with feeling like I never gave birth. I’ll probably never experience real childbirth. Its weird to have two kids and not feel like you delivered them yourself!
I love fentanyl. I got it after my gall bladder surgery. GOOD stuff. Excellent article. I so dislike talking birth stories for this very reason. I also find that these same competitors often don’t want to exchange stories, they Wang an excuse to share theirs. Honestly, I’m ok with that. I’m also ok sharing my story. I have mad respect for any mom. Those who push out babies (home or hospital) those who submit their bodies to the c-section (planned, willing or emergency) and those who meet their babies after another woman has carried their babies. Excellent insight Heidi.
Thanks, Kimmie! It’s all amazing, isn’t it?
As a mum who’s given birth in a hospital, with an epidural, at home without any drugs and a water birth in a birth center, I have some pretty deep convictions about birth that don’t exactly agree with everything you’ve listed. However, these are my convictions, and I don’t feel it’s my personal mission to make my convictions into other people’s. I do know homebirth people who feel the need to do that, and it’s sad.
Having said that, sometimes I feel like those of us who birth without drugs sometimes need to be let off too. It’s not only the ‘natural birth’ crowd that gets carried away. I’ve been made to feel plenty of times that I need to go to the mental asylum for choosing no drugs, and at HOME!! I’m not superhuman, I don’t like pain, I do have deep convictions that temporary pain would be worth it in the long run.
Overall, I like the tone of this post as I think many women need to cool it and realize their way isn’t the only way… but it still feels a little one sided.
Almost exactly what I was thinking!
I full heartedly agree. I find that I have had many people try to convince me that no pain medication and a birthing center is the wrong thing to do. I feel tons of pressure there. I am on my way to becoming a doula and my goal is to support what the mom wants whether that changes during the moment or not. Moms just need acceptance and support for their choices. We are not black and white we are all individuals that are made completely differently there for so our are decisions.
Yes! I love doula-ing. Is that a word? Let’s make it one. 🙂
This is awesome! I definitely feel the “look” when I proudly say I had two c-sections. I honestly was terrified to have a “natural” birth and many women looked at me like I was crazy or selfish. C-Sections and epidurals are not the easy way out, as you said, if the baby comes out, it was a natural birth where not one part of it was easy. Unless you had the perfect pregnancy and delivery…but those women are a whole other blog topic lol 😉
As someone who has had 2 unmedicated births, I don’t feel superior and would never want to make someone who chose pain medication feel less than. Every pregnancy and birth is unique and miraculous. My main motivating factor was the vast amount of research that shows the more intervention the higher the likelihood of complications. Do lots of (most?) women who choose pain medication and other interventions have no complications? Yes. But the increased chance of complications wasn’t worth it to me. I did give birth at hospitals just in case emergency care was needed.
I totally agree with what you have said. There is one qualification I will make, looking in at America as an outsider (and having watched the Rikki lake documentary on childbirth!)…. American medical centres are far to quick to “over medicalise” birth. By that, I mean unnecessary intervention, or early intervention, without allowing things to progress naturally. That then can lead to much more likely need for instrumental deliveries and avoidable c-sections. Bearing in mind I am coming from having 3 births with badly managed, unnecessary instrumental deliveries, and one VERY needed c-section (for which I am thankful!). I then went on to take charge of my own deliveries by understanding things better, and had three non instrumental deliveries, and more recently a home birth with only gas and air right at the end (which apparently is not so available to you guys?) iThat was purely because I understood what my body should do, and why I didn’t NEED intervention (I thought I was someone who just did!!) breathing was a massive part (!!!! Lol ). All that said, your body, your choice. Just so long as every choice you make (childbirth, or any other life choice) is INFORMED. medical people telling you that you MUST do something, is not always good. My main advice to every pregnant woman, whether it’s your first or your nineteenth, make sure you understand child birth, and your choices. As you said, so long as you have a healthy baby and a healthy mum, at the end, that’s what counts.
Well said!
You nailed it! The part everyone misses – being INFORMED. The majority of people blindly accept what their doc tells them without educating themselves going into the situation. Well said and articulated Caroline.
indeed. i am a researcher and a sharer but i couldn’t believe how many of my peers were not only poorly informed, some went out of their way to stay in the dark! I was often labled the judgemental, overzealous, hippie simply for offering to share info I would have wanted to know if were in their shoes. I never said a word about judging someone’s choice but I did challenge some to seek truth (isn’t that our goal?)
THANK YOU!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
Might I add that c-sections should stop being demonized. It doesn’t make your birth less viable. We should stop shaming women who have had c-sections and those who have had them should not feel they need to defend their birth method.
It is easy to think you are smarter or wiser than the surgeon who performed the procedure (which is ludicrous, when you think about it!), or somehow better than the mom who chose ahead of time to have a cesarean, but there are many variables that play a part in that choice. I didn’t choose my first one (which would have likely saved my life and the life of my baby), but I DID choose my second one (because there were too many risks that I simply didn’t want to take). I am proud of my choice and c-section moms should be as well…..
…as should every mom who has experienced the miracle of birth in whatever way it happened! Drug free, with drugs, c-section – they are all viable, they all brought beautiful children into our lives, they all gave us the best job on earth. Let’s stop the wars – because its divisive!
Preach, Rosilind!
Thank you for this. Eight children. Pain meds at a hospital for all of them. You wouldn’t believe some of the comments I’ve gotten over the years about those two facts. I am thankful for each child. It’s easy to look at childbirth methods as some spiritual test or badge of honor or measure of your womanhood.
I want to preface by saying I have three children, all born naturally with no pain medication. All childbirth (and motherhood for that matter) carries with it a badge and is an honor. Having a child naturally also carries with it a special honor and that should not be downplayed.
I’m also a Natural Childbirth Educator. Expectant parents sign up to take my course because they too desire to have a natural childbirth experience, because the norm in our highly medicalized society is a cascade of interventions for a laboring mother.
So for me, and for the thousands of women who deliver their babies without medication and intervention, by saying all birth is natural is discrediting them and all of their hardwork.
It is hard work to have a baby. Period. And, if you’re able to have that baby when you are in the “worst pain of your life” without drugs, then yes, yes you should be applauded. How many people take medicine for a simple headache?
I’m no better than any mother because I’ve birthed naturally. I chose (yes, chose three times) to do it med free because it was easiest on my body and therefore my baby during and after labor to go naturally.
I love the birth process. What an amazing thing our bodies can do. The natural childbirth movement is gaining speed because more families are realizing and believing in the power of birth and that for centuries their grandmothers did it without the use of drugs, and they are drawn to that.
We live in a crazy media-driven social media inspired world. People are finding a way to cope with the constant information overload by choosing to incorporate more simple daily practices, and for many that is in birthing naturally and in supporting the current birth movement.
I have delivered my babies a variety of ways- almost “natural,” breech C-section, VBAC, emergency C-section, and planned C-sections. The only thing I have not experienced is quick and easy. I am tired of my mother belittling me for asking for an epidural during 2 of those labors. Comparing my labors to hers is like apples and oranges. Comparing my labors to my sisters’ labors is just wrong. And it hurts. I am so glad that you are supportive of your daughters and can appreciate that bringing a baby into the world is reason to celebrate, no matter how it happens!
Without question, I would have died, along with my darling daughter, had it not been for an emergency C-section 20 yrs ago. I was in hard back labor 3 days, and was not progressing – I was starting to lose consciousness between contractions. I had a glimpse of what women over the centuries have faced, except that I was given hope. I am forever thankful for modern medicine and for the wisdom of doctors who told me that my other 2 children needed which later followed to be delivered by C-section as well. Did I miss out on anything? Yes, I missed out on an early death… The ultimate goal ladies – is a healthy child. 🙂
I have been blessed to have had my three children born in the comfort of our home with a midwife. That is what worked for us I am not a home birth cheerleader. My belief is that, as much as possible, the mother should have as much freedom as possible to choose what kind of birth she wants. If the end result is a safe baby and a safe mama then it was a good birth. I love telling my birth stories but I always try to stress that home birth is just one choice and I don’t think it is the best one for everyone…just for us. What I hate is when people gasp and rant about how dangerous home birth is without any knowledge of the process. Woman are very hard on each ither.
Amen! Four different babies with four different births, 2c-sections and two VBA2C (vaginal birth after 2 cesareans). I am so thankful for all of my deliveries and their different stories so I can more closely relate to that many more women. Babies are a blessing and growing them and birthing them with our bodies is an amazing and beautiful miracle, no matter the details of the delivery.
I have to respectfully disagree with some things in this post. I think every woman should plan on a natural led free birth of her baby. Too many woman allow fear to get in the way. No mess is best for mama and absolutely best for baby. Then if something happens along the way then make a decision based off of that situation during birth. But don’t say “I am going to get pain meds” before labor even starts. More w men need to be encouraged they can do this! Also hospitals are a business (all wan should see the business of being born documentary). Hospitals want to make the most band for their buck. Doctors are inducing women that do not even need to be induced. When a woman gets pitocen that increases contractions which will most likely require an epidural and if first baby puts mama at a higher risk of a c section. Every birth is a miracle. But don’t allow fear of pain to interfere with yes… An all natural meds free birth. Take it step by step and see what happens. I wish that I had a homebirth. The hospital was a joke. When I first arrived I wasn’t dilated and said I have a choice to get induced or go home and labor. I went home for 10 hours and came back to the hospital 10 cm. hospital should allow a homebirth experience in a calm environment…. But that is a joke …. I must say I am proud of myself being able to do zero meds for my precious baby boy. I am not taking away any special from woman that had to gets meds… But with my own story I feel that I can conquer the world. Again, more woman need to be encouraged to not allow fear take over. Breathing absolutely helped me. Allowing my stomach to give room to baby during contraction instead of tensing up. Each woman does have their own beautiful story.
Nicole, not every woman’s hospital experience was a “joke” and that’s the point I’m trying to make. It’s not a problem for hospitals to be a “business” either. They have to make money to pay employees and pay for equipment, electricity etc. Midwives aren’t free either. Every woman should be proud of herself when she has a baby, whether she needs pain meds, has a C-section or delivers without any assistance. It’s a something to celebrate.
Hospitals need to make money so its ok to add on all the medical procedures to women so they can pay their bills? no. My point is that there is a fear amongst women for a natural no meds birth and it is important to encourage women they can absolutely do it. I am not talking about needing meds during the process or needing a c-section. Anything can happen and to be prepared along the way is important. But it is so important for women to know those things shouldn’t be chosen 1st out of fear… Of course every woman that just had a baby needs to feel proud no matter how the baby got here. So please read my point clearly.
I would just like to respectfully point out that you’re making a big assumption that women choose medication out of fear. I delivered three babies and had epidurals with all three because I wanted to enjoy the experience as much as possible. Before I had my first one I consider going the natural route, but decided that, for me, I wanted to be as comfortable as I could be so that I was alert and could really remember the joyful miracle of the birth. A friend of mine who delivered naturally didn’t remember a thing about the birth of her first child because she was in such agony. Everybody’s experience is different and I am sure that for many women the natural route is joyful and beautiful, but my choice wasn’t out of fear and I think it’s misleading to assume that all women who use medication are afraid.
I mostly agree with what Heidi says here. Particularly that there are more important wars to fight (like raising these babies we birth for God’s glory). And the wars we need to fight ought not to be with each other any how. However, I do feel very strongly about honouring God in how we approach childbirth by honouring His design in creating our bodies, even while remembering that childbirth is also tarnished by the fall as is all creation. For me that means, practically, to follow and actively work with the natural working of our bodies when birthing. It also means that when we come up to a wall (eg. pain not managable by natural methods, or the need for a c-section) we should submit to God’s allowing that. The natural proccess of birth is beautiful and awe inspiring, and it ultimately makes for quicker recovery (mostly) and smoother breasfeeding, making it easier for us to serve our families.
Thanks for stopping by, Liesl! I would add that a woman who needs intervention of any kind is in no way dishonoring God in her approach. God made our bodies to do many, many things—and yes, because we live in a fallen world, they do not always work right. My father-in-law lived on dialysis for example. What I am speaking to is the arrogance and judgmental attitudes that I see taking over a conversation that needs to be filled with grace. I can tell you, being many years past this discussion with my peers, it will pale in comparison.
Thank you for replying Heidi :-). (Please see the second part of my comment below too, I hit post too soon by mistake). I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiment in addressing arrogant and judgemental attitudes when approaching this. Sadly there is a lot of judging going on both ways in this area, which simply shouldn’t be, especially among Christian moms. And I agree too that a mom who needs intervention is not dishonouring God as such, at all. What makes me feel strong about making informed decisions about childbirth, however, is the many moms that I’ve talked to (my own mother included) who had downright horrible, scary, even sad birth experiences due to over use (even abuse) of medical intervention and poor or non-existent knowledge about the natural capacities of a woman’s body to cope. There are two sides to the coin. The birth of every baby is beautiful and wonderful, no matter where or how they are born. But I still contend that there are many more mothers who have struggled in various ways in the intervention-prone camp than in the non intervention-prone side, whether with
breastfeeding, bonding, recovery or other factors. My
heart really aches for these mothers. I’m not at all against medical support of birth, because as you said, we live in a fallen world. But the reality is that in practise it is being grossly over used and misused, causing unneeded distress and stress to moms who are already fighting in the trenches of motherhood. But yes, the point remains that we must approach each other in much love and reverence when dealing with childbirth issues, while also remembering where the real battle lies.
Comment continued: Modern medicine is extremely useful and a great blessing when and where needed. But generally it does not honour the God given ability of a woman’s body to give birth and even to handle and use for good a certain amount of pain. I had my first baby by emergency caesar, followed by two vbacs, one semi-medicated, and one water-birthed ( was too quick to think about medication!) All 3 my kids where born in an active birth centre ( I’m from South Africa). There should be NO condemnation among (especially) Christian women about how our babies enter this world. But we should also make i formed and God-fearing decisions in this area.
I don’t think I’ve ever read anything from you that had such a bitter taste to it. If someone feels shame over the way they gave birth then that is their own problem. No one can force that emotion on you. It feels as if what you did here was try to shame the other side. I’ve never been praised for giving birth without medication. Most of the time people tell me that I’m insane and look at me like I have three heads. The door swings both ways.
“Natural” is just a word used to describe childbirth either vaginally or without medication. Just a word! No one is saying your childbirth was less natural if you didn’t birth that way, but at some point someone just needed a word so that you would know what they were talking about. And please don’t make it sound as if all “natural-birthers” are anti-hospital. It’s not true. The simple fact is that there ARE a lot of unnecessary interventions in hospitals. No denying it. However, I’ve had four births, only two without epidurals, all in hospitals and I am very thankful for the medical staff.
I think the bottom line is that women need to be supported in childbirth. I’m sure that was your real intention here. We all deserve choices and proper care.
No bitterness here, Haley. And you’re right, the door swings both ways. I guess I’ve just seen it swing one way too many times. I’ve experienced all kinds of births (having seven babies increased my odds, haha) and I am just tired of moms putting such harsh expectations on other moms. Let’s rejoice with each other instead of feeling the need to strut around like peacocks. Every woman labors differently. And that’s okay.
I was SO determined to have a “natural” childbirth. But I didn’t go into labor. I was induced a week after my due date – and already felt like I had screwed up this childbirth business. I insisted I wouldn’t take drugs – until 3 hours of non-stop contractions (no breaks for the induced) had my husband begging me to let them give me something. The epidural brought some blessed relief and after several more hours of contractions with no progress, I had a c-section. I felt horrible about the whole thing until I saw my baby girl for the first time. After that nothing else mattered and I didn’t care about how she arrived. I followed it up with 3 scheduled c-sections and 3 more perfect little girls.
No one should EVER be made to feel that they “screwed up” the childbirth business. About half of women died in childbirth before modern medicine gave us to tools to make “dying in childbirth” a shocking event rather than a common occurrence. It infuriates me that there are still experts out there who seem to refuse to acknowledge that every woman is different and that we all have different bodies and pain thresholds — and that each birth is different. Heidi is absolutely right. The message needs to be — if you give birth, no matter how you do it and what medical support you get, you’ve participated in a miracle, and the event should be celebrated as such.
I agree, Jill. A few years ago, our family toured some of the great homes back east—such as Monticello. The stories coming out of that time period where childbirth and many other things… are heartbreaking. Many, many women died in childbirth. We’re blessed to have access to good medical care.
Love this, Shevarae. A dear friend of mine had 8 C-sections… and now has eight wonderful kids and two grandbabies. In the end, how they get here pales in comparison to what they bring.
I am amazed when people ask me if I delivered our triplets naturally!!! It always takes me by surprise. I always want to say, “Uh, NO! C-section Please!” I appreciate your words, “the miracle of birth is not just the birth itself, it is the baby that lives to give breath to the story.” Because some high risk pregnancies have little “natural” moments and way more “clinical” ones it is healing to think that high risk births are “natural” ones as well! I needed that. Thank you!
TRIPLETS! *you win.* Congratulations! 🙂 That’s amazing!
I love this!! There is so much guilt passed along to moms at a time when there should be so much celebration!! Having a baby in your arms is the goal!!!…& such a miracle!! God is good! & for the record, each time I’ve been pregnant, I thank God that I am living in this day in age when there are wonderful pain relievers and medical advances for delivery. 🙂
Yes <3 we are living in a great time for great medical care.
I have 8 children all born c-section and I’ve had people tell me I wouldn’t have had so many if I had birthed them naturally. As if all there is to child rearing is just getting them out. 😉 But, seriously, I would have loved to have had a natural birth….so thankful The Lord has blessed me with my 8 and kept me safe through all the surgeries.
I have a friend who also had eight c-sections. Amazing. Good job, mama!
Thank you! I’d like to add something, if I can. I get annoyed and find it hard to hold my tongue when a mom starts bragging about how easy it was to push her baby out. The comments like, “Oh my gosh! It was so easy! He came out on the first push! No tearing! Am I awesome or what!” really make me want to take them down a peg. I don’t though, and my husband hears all about it later. “Of course her 6 1/2 pound baby came out on the first push. He was tiny. My baby was 9 pounds. That’s why it took me longer. And of course I tore. He’s got head like is daddy!”
I’ve needed inductions 4 out of 5 births. When I tell moms who happen to be a natural-birth-in-your-face kind of person (the kind who think that because they were able to have one, everyone should), they go off on how inductions aren’t really needed and are bad for baby and blah, blah, blah. But there are risks that come with the approach of that 42 week mark. My older brother was just 10 days late when he went into fetal distress and almost died. Our mom says the placenta started pulling away from the uterine wall. My friend’s sister waited and had a still born at 42 weeks. At some point a mother has to ask, how much am I willing to risk to have a picture perfect, “natural” birth? I absolutely HATE pitocin, so I do wait at least a week past, but I have to set that aside and opt for an induction when the risk just seems too high.
Stillborn at 42 weeks… 🙁 Sad. Yes agree, at some point, we have to set our own “wants” aside. Oh wait. That’s parenting! 🙂 Thanks for joining in the conversation, Autumn.
I agree that it’s unsafe to wait too long for labor. There are all kinds of risks, such as placenta problems and meconium in the baby’s lungs.
I will say don’t rip too much on mothers who don’t have problems with tearing. My mother had several 10 pound babies and an 11 pound 2 ounce baby, none of which caused her to tear. I think it may just depend on the woman.
However, it could be technique too. She has told me that she was coached carefully during pushing and that the midwife applied olive oil and cloths soaked with warm water to her skin to help it stretch. Makes me tempted to try the same thing during my own birthings!
I didn’t tear with one of my 9 pounders, but she was a girl. I’ve never torn with my girls. My boys however have big heads, like off the chart big.
“Your son’s height is at 97%. His weight is at 75%, and his head….um….” I look over to see a dot drawn above all the growth lines on the page.
“Yeah, it’s big. I know.” lol
Amen , sister ! Well said !
You know, I have to chime in here as well. So here’s my story… I had IVF(un-natural) to get pregnant the 1st time and have been pregnant 4 other times and delivered, pitocin induced and given birth without drugs. but… where I start losing it is when people see me give my baby a bottle. I have to say it burns my grits when folks ask why I’m not Breastfeeding.
My body WILL NOT make milk for more than 6 six months. NO MATTER what. Not pumping more,not drinking more, not eating more, not feeding more. NOTHING. With my last baby#5. I almost died. I gave birth, had strep throat, that got into my blood stream and became septic, almost died. No one cares that I’m just glad to be ALIVE to hold my baby and FEED her a bottle. My dr (in the hospital) came in while I was pumping and could barely hold my head up and she said…. YOU must stop trying to make milk, you might die. Stop trying to make milk and get yourself better. So I get judgement just like that ALL the time. I love breastfeeding. It’s awesome, but each mom has to determine what they can do. I couldn’t breastfeed my baby girl. It doesn’t mean I didn’t want to or I didn’t PRAY everyday for the last 5 months of my pregnancy for me to have milk to feed her for a year. It didn’t work but what it did teach me was to trust GOD. None of this took him by surprise and each day as I got better I had to trust him MORE.
I tell every new mom in our church the same thing. God made you the Mama, be the Mama. We can ALL judge each other for the way we mother, but shouldn’t.
So Ladies, Pray for the Mama’s. I don’t know a single one that isn’t trying their absolute best for their kids. So let each one of us…. BE THE MAMA, God called us to be. Soooo if you had a baby by c-section or vaginally or adopted or bottle-feed or breastfeed you’re the MAMA,BE THE MAMA. Say it LOUD. I’m the MAMA…..
You’re the mama! And definitely, mothering teaches us where we’re weak and where we’re strong. I was able to breastfeed, but had a sister who was not…and while I know she would have if she could’ve… her babies have done just fine. 🙂
Love this!!! I had an epidural with 2 of my girls. My 3rd didn’t give me a chance, labor was only 28 minutes. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. If you choose to have a “natural” birth then that is awesome, if you choose to have an epidural that’s also awesome. You are bringing a human into the world, don’t bad mouth anyone for what they choose. At the end of the day we are all moms that would do anything for our kids.
28 minutes? Wow! That was fast! Thanks for chiming in!
The root of the problem that Heidi is referring to is judgmentalism. Judging other people is not our responsibility.
I have birthed 9 babies. 5 epidural births and 4 non-medicated births. My goal has always been the same. Do whatever I have to do to have a healthy baby. If that’s a medicated, non-medicated, c-section, stand on my head whatever. I will do it. No mother who goes through child birth is a failure.
There is so much pressure on these new mama’s. Older women need to come along side these young mothers and reassure them. I didn’t realize how bad it has gotten until my daughter gave birth to my grandson in May. My first grandbaby! She felt like a failure because she took an epidural, she felt awful when her milk supply was just not enough. So, I vow to love and encourage these mama’s and let them do things their way, not my way or the way of my generation but theirs.
Thank you, Anna! Welcome to Club Grandma! 🙂
Heidi,
Thank you for your blog! I have always appreciated everything you have said; until today. I do not think you meant to, but as a mom who has had three vaginal deliveries with no medication, I felt like you were putting me and my choice down. I did it because I felt it was best for me and my babies, but I in no way think I am better then anyone else because of it or that their birth is less miraculous or that it is even what everyone else needs to or should necessarily choose to do (every birth and every woman is different, with different circumstances). I am very thankful for c-sections (they have saved many lives!) and medications when they are needed (and I needed some with my first child), but you made me feel like just because God blessed me by allowing me to make it through labor without pain medication like I wanted to (trust me it wasn’t fun and I was dreading it this last time around) that I shouldn’t talk to anyone about my deliveries and that you think because I made that choice that I feel superior to others, which just isn’t true. By saying we shouldn’t broadcast, do you mean that if we made the choice to not take medication we should not talk about our deliveries but others that make the choice (or are forced to) have pain meds or c-sections are allowed to talk about their birth? That does not seem right to me either. Neither side should be bragging or competing. Your blog post made me realize that we should all be careful in what we say about our deliveries (regardless of what our specific story is) to always be pointing the praise for our life and our babies life and delivery to the Lord.
May God continue to bless you in your ministry!
Hi Rosana! Thanks for stopping by. When I said “broadcast” I mean—I don’t think that when a woman has a baby, she needs to announce whether she had pain meds or not. I read a post on Facebook recently from a new mama that said she was “dangerously close” to getting an epidural… and my friend, who had a baby not three days before read that and felt like she had somehow failed because she ended up with an epidural. Not all women are created equal. Labors can be long and short. But this idea that it’s all about how we labor rather than rejoicing in the birth of a new baby puts the focus on the wrong place and makes one side or the other feel bad. I agree that the door swings both ways. I’ve been at births where no meds were needed (not that it didn’t hurt, but it didn’t go on for 15 hours) and where moms opted for epidurals. Neither is a bad choice, but I do think I hear more of the side I wrote about than the other. Thank you for sharing your heart on this topic! I appreciated what you had to say. xoxo heidi
Thank you for the clarification! I can understand that. And I completely agree about the different labors different women. I’m pretty sure if the Lord hadn’t blessed me with somewhat short active labors, I would have used meds of some sort. 🙂
What a good thought about making the baby rather then the birth the focus!
Thank you for your gracious reply!
I feel like all this guilt and judgement you speak of for the most part is an internal issue. Satan is whispering lies and playing to our fears and dividing us. If you feel judged, consider this-no one can force you to feel guilt or failure. It is a choice. Once we identify it, we can seek and speak truth instead and defeat the enemy! We are victorious in our obedience to God in each our own callings and no matter what anyone else says! We can glorify him in all kids of birthing situations
You’re right that we can control how we feel, but my post is directed at being careful about what we say to others. Two sides of the same coin. Thanks for sharing!
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Thank you so much, Heidi!
My wife is about to have our first and this is exactly what we needed to hear.
It sucks to feel caught between so many strong opinions.