The holidays can be a wonderful time of the year. There’s a lot of fellowship and family time with big family dinners and delicious desserts. I have fond memories of crowding in front of the television to look for Snoopy in the Thanksgiving Parade. And I waited all year long to watch Charlie Brown and his friends gather around that sad Christmas tree. The holidays can be a wonderful time of year, but sometimes it can be a time of stress and discontent, especially if you are a single parent.
The hardest part of being a single mom (for me) is navigating the waters of time sharing with my ex husband. During mediation things went smoothly until we started trying to figure out visits and time sharing for the boys. We were able to agree on the regular every day schedule but when it came to Thanksgiving and Christmas we hit a stalemate. After 45 minutes of going back and forth the mediation ended without a decision. We did finally come to an agreement but I had to step away, pray and really think things through.
If you are in a situation where you are sharing your children during the holidays, I know that it can be a hard thing. We are used to having our families together for these special times, and it can be devastating when that doesn’t happen anymore. I have been that mom – sad, depressed and lonely without my sweet boys. It hurts, but there is hope. I want to share some suggestions that have worked for us and just encourage you not to lose your joy this holiday season.
Maintain the Status Quo
If at all possible try to keep your child’s holiday routine and traditions the same. I know that it may be difficult. For a long time I went through a time when I took my children to places where I was clearly not welcomed or wanted because I didn’t want them to miss out on time with their dad’s side of the family. For birthdays and holidays I would show up with my boys and then retreat to a quiet corner in the room or sit outside on the porch while they enjoyed time with their cousins and grandparents. I kept this up until the day that I was called and told not to come over at all.
Compromise
If you cannot maintain the status quo, the next thing you need to try is compromise. Find the best way that you can to make sure that your children have time with all the important people their lives. Our compromise is for my boys to spend Thanksgiving morning and the first half of the afternoon with me and then the second half with their father. For Christmas they spend the night on the 23rd with their dad and and then come home for church service on the 24th and we open our gifts on the 25th.
Make New Traditions
One thing that has been really helpful for us to make some new traditions. Show your children that you are still a family. My boys and I started serving at a local homeless shelter during the holiday season. I wasn’t sure at first that my little ones would do more than get in the way, but it has been a blessing to all of us. I got to see my boys working hard: helping with trash, handing out napkins, and helping with drinks. I smiled as I watched my then 3 year walk from table to table telling people, “God loves you.”
Last year for the Christmas season I started an advent calendar with my boys. Each day from December 1-25 we would read a story book about the birth of Jesus. They loved every minute of it. It was also a great way to help then countdown to the day that we would celebrate the birth of Christ and the day that they would get to spend the night with their dad.
Thank you for sharing this today. I have been having a really hard time with this very thing this week as it was the beginning of the year that my ex and I split up and this is the first Holiday season sharing the kids. It is really hard and emotional to share them for all of us. I too have maintained the status quo and gone to things that I was by no means comfortable at in order to make it work well in terms of my kids adjusting. I do think making new traditions are very important while still keeping some of the old ones as well. I already have some new traditions in the works for my kids this Christmas.
Tiffany *hugs*! The first year can be particularly difficult. I am sure that your children will cherish the new traditions you are creating for them 🙂
This is the first time my now 3 year old will be spending any part of the holiday season with his dad and his side of the family. I’ve decided the very hardest part of it all is feeling jealous, and then guilty and selfish for wanting him all to myself! I love the idea of new traditions and may just start some for “mommy and me”.
Candace I am very familiar with those feelings myself. Hang in there! I’d love to hear about some new traditions you come up with 🙂
I definitely understand how you feel! Holidays were a problem for us as a married couple because most of my family is in another state and I try to go and see them for one of the holidays. This is and always has been a problem for my husband’s family…or it was until 2008 at Thanksgiving. We were having some hard times. His family had gotten together and no one called to see if we wanted to be there. We had no car and one cell phone between us. My husband was really hurt by that. We spent Christmas with my family that year. Now, we spend the holidays with my family mostly because we want to avoid the drama.