No One Told Me It Could Be So Hard: 3 Things Every Struggling Mom Needs to Know

Blog_So Hard

 

I love my kids. Our seven children range in age from 3 to 22 at the moment. Our oldest daughter and her husband have a beautiful little boy. That makes me *gasp* “Mamsi.” Our youngest daughter is an “aunt” at the age of three. I love that too. Sometimes I look at my children and I cannot believe how fast the years go by—but there are days when I have struggled to appreciate the gift I’ve been given.

Last week, I saw a blog post go by on my Facebook feed from a girl (to call her a woman would be going too far) about why she thinks it’s selfish to have kids. I didn’t visit her blog—since she was obviously writing to boost her blog stats. Such ridiculous dribble. Nope. Not gonna read it.

Not a day later, I received an email from a mom who felt like she was failing. She had met yet another “quiverfull” mom at a homeschool event. I don’t know why we insist on all these labels.  From the outside, the family appeared to be the perfect family. Every little girl in dresses; every little boy the perfect … well, little boy. Now, I’ve met dozens of families with dozens of kids over the years. Some of them are my very dear friends. In fact, I believe the family probably didn’t intend to make this mom feel guilty about her own family, but in the end, that’s what happened.

It’s easy for things to look perfect from the outside. We “pin” perfection. Imperfection doesn’t go over so well. I wish we’d all stop trying to appear perfect. It’s not helping anyone. Not really. Motherhood is hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. More demanding for sure. No one told me it was going to be so hard.

When our kids were little and we were in the throes of having them, not one person told me that the real work of mothering goes on long after the potty training and driver’s ed ends. That’s when the real work begins.

I’m going to be brutally honest about the cost of being a mom, because I think it’s time someone was honest. There is a cost. If we’re going to encourage each other at all, we must talk about the hard parts. Parenting is seasonal; each season has it’s ups and downs.

When our kids were all little, parenting was challenging—and the challenge was just to stay alive. It was a marathon of on-the-job training. Stay on top of the laundry, the dishes, the discipline, the mess. My husband and I were challenged to find time to nurture our marriage. We were challenged by the enormous responsibility of shaping little hearts and minds. It was daunting; but it was do-able. It was an exhausting season but a joyful one.

New babies grew to toddlers. Toddlers turned to bright-eyed tweens. More babies. More challenges. I’d love to say I did it perfectly. I didn’t.

As the kids grew, I grew. I grew as a mother. Mostly, I grew from making mistakes. There was the time I yelled at my 15 year old during a teen get together she was hosting at our house. Yeah. That was embarrassing. There was the time I mistook one culprit for another and disciplined the wrong child. Bummer. I apologized. We moved on. We grew again.

As the years passed, the challenge became holding my tongue. It became a call to prayer. I began to learn how to surrender things I could not control with a swat on the bottom or a time out.

As a nearly 44 yr old mother, I see things differently than I did twenty years ago. Honestly, I see a lot of things differently.

I have a little circle of friends I call when I’m stuck. These are women who have been parenting a long time. A few of them have large families like mine. A few don’t. One thing we’re all discovering as we grow into the “older moms”—it’s a marathon. It’s not for sissies. There are three things that I especially wish someone would have told me when my husband and I were in the midst of having children. I hope they’ll encourage you if you’re struggling to appreciate the precious responsibility you have been given in shaping your children.

Labels will mess with you—and they’ll set you up for failure.

Call it what you will: “quiverful” “homeschooling” “patriarchal” … whatever. As soon as you identify with yourself as part of a movement, you’re in for trouble. When I was in my early twenties, we got invited to a parenting class. Eventually, that parenting class gave birth to an entire generation of parents who judged and yard-sticked each other’s every move.

Our kids were held up as examples. The pressure was enormous. Boy how I wish I would’ve avoided that like the plague.The problem with labels is that they’re just another name for formulaic parenting. You know what I’ve learned? There is no formula.

As soon as we believe we’ve found the holy grail of parenting, we fall into the trap that pride has laid for us. Doesn’t matter how clever the disguise. And by the way: the labels are usually passed off “biblical teaching,” too. That’s sad.

We’re all unique. We were not created to be the same or parent the same. We’re different! Be careful not to let someone else define what your family should look like.
Grace, busy mom. Grace

Mothering Is A Continual Surrender

This is a hard one. It’s especially hard as the kids get older and you still have younger ones to parent. You’ll get tired of saying the same thing over and over. You’ll likely get tired of kids arguing. You might wonder what you got yourself into from time to time. That’s okay.

I had to give myself permission to admit how hard motherhood can be. Honestly? Admitting it was the first step toward enjoying it! Somehow I had come to believe that my being tired and wanting to resign from time to time was failing. Turns out, it’s just part of the surrender. Just when I get through a rough patch with one child, another one enters their own rough patch.

Need to make it easier? Find a good friend and be honest about your ups and downs. Keep surrendering.

Your identity should not come from being a mom.

My hunch is that I’m going to take some criticism for this. I think this one is hard very young moms to grasp; but it’s so important! Many years ago, this truth was shared with me from another wise mother. She had raised her five girls and literally poured her life out to do it. When her last child left home, she was devastated. She battled depression and resentment. Her marriage suffered. Finally, at her husband’s request, she decided to do something that was just for her.She told me she wished she had done it years earlier. She began a small craft business and now, she’s enjoying a season of being a grandmother and an Etsy entrepreneur.

Her advice to me? “Do something to nurture your spirit while you nurture your children. Don’t wait until they’re grown.” .. and so, I began to write. Fifteen years ago I started writing a little column for our church newsletter. I loved it. It helped me think about something other than dishes and diapers. Eventually I wrote a book. Then another.

People sometimes ask me how I find time to write when I’m raising children. I don’t find time. I make it. Sometimes, it’s early in the morning. Sometimes it’s late. Truthfully? Writing is a joy for me. So I make time for it. Find your identity in being the woman God has created you to be. Part of your identity is found in motherhood. Where else is it found? What gifts has He given you? Do you like to organize? Teach? Sew? Write?

If you take time to nurture your spirit, even just a little, while your children are still growing, when they leave, you’ll find the transition will be easier.

Go easy on yourself, mom. Give yourself grace as you navigate the sometimes choppy waters of parenting. If you need to take a break, take a break. Pour some Cheerios for dinner and make a list of what you have to be thankful for. Write your dreams out—breathe deep.

Motherhood only lasts for a season. Some of us have longer seasons than others but in the end, motherhood is a journey worth taking.

Now excuse me. I hear hollering from the other room… I think the toddler is having an issue.

Where’s my cape? Bless her heart, my toddler is the only one of my seven kids who still thinks I wear one.

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About Heidi St. John

Heidi has been married to her husband Jay since 1989. Together they have seven children and three grandchildren! The St. Johns homeschooled their kids all the way through high school. Heidi is the the author of seven books, host of the popular podcast "Off the Bench," and the founder of MomStrong International, an online community of women learning God's Word and how to apply it to every day life. She and her husband Jay are also the founders of Firmly Planted Family and the Firmly Planted Homeschool Resource Center, located in Vancouver, Washington.

50 thoughts on “No One Told Me It Could Be So Hard: 3 Things Every Struggling Mom Needs to Know

  1. Elizabeth Riles Lazarz

    Thank you for this! I read this blog at the absolute perfect time. After my husband came home from work tonight, I turned our three boys (ages 4 and under) over to him so I could have a few minutes of quiet time to myself after a particularly exhausting day, and that’s when I read this post. Thank you so much!

    Reply
  2. Beverly Robeson-Brooks

    I just want to say how much I appreciate your honesty. You know, as a mom, you’re not alone, but sometimes it is good to be able to physically see you’re really not! I am struggling right now. I have 3 girls ages 8, 10 and 11. I have homeschooled from the beginning. The two oldest fight constantly. Wears me down. Having trouble with them keeping the rooms picked up. I know that is a never ending battle. I can handle messes. I won’t tolerate nastiness. Just in a weary state right now. Like most moms, I can go on and on. Just want to thank you for what you do. God always know what we need when we need it. You are a blessing. This mom thing is not an easy road, but I know the rewards will be well worth it. Just hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel at times. You help us to see it. Thanks!

    Reply
  3. Dawn

    Thank you so much for these words. Today was a hard, hard day. I needed this article…and I needed to be reminded to give myself grace during this process! Thank you!!!

    Reply
  4. Carrie Long

    Thank you so much for your transparency. You have been such an encouragement to me. For the wordy girl I can be, it’s hard to find the words right now. God bless you and yours.

    Reply
  5. Jennifer Q. Hunt

    Thank you, Heidi! I’m a “new” “old” mom–babies are 2 and 6 mos. but I’m 35. We hope to have more. We hope to homeschool. My family growing up was wonderful, but we fell into the label trap. My mom made mothering her whole life and had nothing she wanted to do after we left home. It’s been hard for her. I wish this message of grace had been more prominent for that first generation of homeschool mothers (both my mother and mother-in-law are of that group). They were pioneers and heroes in my eyes. I hope that I can follow your wise advice.

    Reply
  6. Jen

    Great read! I can relate to the different seasons, as I have 4 kids ages 1 year to almost 21 years old. One type of craziness or another ensues everyday in our household. :). No matter how long I’ve been a parent, I still rely on God’s grace everyday! Parenting is sanctifying! I very much needed the reminder to do something for myself. I definitely need to work on not neglecting to keep my own identity outside of being a mom. 😉

    Reply
    1. Kelbellemama

      You just have to be more creative, then. I completely understand it’s a battle, but we all battle something in this realm. You can find something for you, though, if it’s done when she’s sleeping. So many crafty type ideas on pinterest to do with things you have on hand or can recycle (low cost). Writing costs nothing. Singing costs nothing. Exercize, volunteering, baking, thrifting, decorating, gardening. Maybe you could find another mom to do a kid swap with. And the more kids you have, the harder it gets to find time/money/space/energy… You can do it!!

      Reply
  7. Catherine Ann Alvarez-Cimatu

    Thank you! I feel blessed more and more each day seeing my kids grow under my care. My patience is tried each day. I pass with flying colors by God’s grace! I am continually praying to be a good steward of my 4 children. Ages 20, 4, and 21 months old twins. I love your blogs. So encouraging. God bless you more!

    Reply
  8. Brittanie

    Oh goodness how I needed this. Today has been particularly grueling. With two kiddos under two years old and a husband in medical school, it seems most days I can’t come out on top. Reminders like these are little drops of grace in my bucket. 🙂

    Reply
  9. Deb

    Thank you for the encouraging words of openness and truth. I have kids ranging from 27 to 5 and grandkids that are 10 years old to 4 years old. Mothering is not easy.

    Reply
  10. Kelley

    You are such a blessing ! Thank you for passing down your wisdom and advice . You are such a wonderful encourager and have such a way with words 🙂 thank you
    Thank you !

    Reply
  11. Chiara

    This was great. Thank you for putting it all in perspective. I’m a writer too. I have a novel coming out in May. I’m self-publishing it. A story God put in my head and nine years in the making. All I can say is that I’ve been busy with having my two blessed daughters, ages 3 1/2 and 5. They keep me grounded and running around. But your right, motherhood is only for a season. I hope my novel can touch people’s lives, because writing is what centers me in the midst of joyful chaos. Keep writing these blogs and stories. You are God’s hands and feet to helping many mothers. God Bless.

    Reply
  12. Noelle

    Thank you for the great message….as I sit here wondering what have I gotten myself into getting ready to have our 6th child (hopefully TODAY!) Our kids range from almost 18-here any day. It is definitely different with each child and each season. We just launched our first, the oldest boy this last year and that has been quite an experience! Thank you for the reminder that we need to give ourselves a break, stop labeling and nurture our spirits! Motherhood is a HUGE part of who we are but not everything – I kinda get lost in it sometimes and forget I can do more than dishes and diapers! I love your honesty and transparency – I agree we need to be real about this and love, come along side and encourage each other, not label and judge!!! Thanks for all your great posts! Now – back to labor – I HOPE! A few more years of one of my kids thinking I wear a cape too(-:

    Reply
  13. Rhonda

    Love this! Seasons…complete with sunshine, sunsets, balmy weather, freezing rain and hurricanes! Remember that when you’re snowed under in a storm, that tomorrow the world will be a dazzling white, covering and sanctifying the ugliness of yesterday’s mistakes! Ah…motherhood… 🙂

    Reply
  14. Holly

    Heidi,
    No kidding I just wrote in my journal that I can not “parent away” unwanted behaviors and I need to start praying for The Lord to convict their hearts. I spent some time on my knees. Thanks for the timely post. I always enjoy how real you are in your writing and in person.
    🙂 Holly

    Reply
  15. Jennifer Flanders

    My three-year old is an aunt, too, Heidi — five times over! Thank you for the straight-talking post. You are so right about the fact that every age and stage of motherhood has its own special challenges. Thankfully, each stage has its own sweet blessings and rewards, as well.

    Reply
  16. Jocelyn

    This spoke right to my heart! Thank you.
    Can you and Jay write one about fatherhood? I think really invested dad’s need to be encouraged as well.
    Praying for your family.

    Reply
  17. Caryn

    This was beautiful! My favorite part is where you say your toddler still thinks you wear a cape. What a blessing! I need to remind myself of this bc my 3 children (4 yr old twins & 19 month old) are so special to me and an amazing gift from God. They love me no matter what…I need to learn from them.

    Reply

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