Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

Good morning, busy mom!

We are now in Ludington, MI.  When we rolled into Indianapolis the day before, it was midnight. And we were crabby! It wasn’t pretty — but this is the “busy season” for our family, and God seems to give us just enough grace for each other every day.  Just enough. Unless we push too hard, or go too long without rest. Then, things can get ugly.

It reminded me a season of life we were in several years ago, where the Lord spoke to me about the importance of keeping my heart in tune to the heartbeat of our marriage.  See if you can relate:

It had been a busy day.

Nevermind.

It had been a busy month. Meetings, schoolwork, deadlines, family needs, doctor appointments–unplanned emergencies–unwanted drama, un-invited stress.

Unintended consequences.

If the world could spin any faster, I’m sure I would have been flung right off.

My Type A, scheduling self was not enjoying this.  I was repeating the phrase “bend, don’t break” as I went from the car to the kitchen to the laundry room.  I spied a bag of clothing that I had forgotten to take to Goodwill.  ”Shoot! That’s the third time I’ve left the house for something and forgotten that bag!”

I muttered to myself  as I walked into the office to sort paperwork. ”Stop the ride! I want to get off!” My husband looked up at me from his desk.  I saw the same weariness in his eyes that I felt. It was as if his eyes were reflecting mine.

Tired. Worn-out. Weary.

It had been several weeks since we had really enjoyed any quality time together. According to the calendar, there were no quiet evenings coming up in our future, either.  Worse yet, we could not even manage a quiet evening in!  The toddlers were up early, the teens were up late… and somewhere between toddlers and teenagers, our marriage was taking a hit.

It was clear that things were ot as they should be, and our relationship was beginning to show signs of the strain we were under.  We were short with each other. Our conversations lacked grace. The end of the day found us falling into bed exhausted. (Insert tired expression here that says “I love you … but not tonight.”)

Trouble was, there was no “white space” in our lives. We had made our regular commitments, and life had filled in the rest of the “white space” on my calendar-without asking permission!

If you’ve heard me speak before, you know how I feel about having at least two days of nothing on my calendar each week.  I call it “white space”, and  I try to protect those free days because no white space on our calendar = no margin in our lives.

And no margin = trouble.

Does this sound familiar? It’s easy to let it happen.  Sometimes, we can prevent it, and sometimes, we can’t. When life gets a little nutty, we take it for granted that eventually things will slow down.  But the older my kids get, the more I’m realizing that if I am not intentional about taking time out of my busy life to nurture my marriage, my husband and I run the risk of living parallel lives.

You see, the fact that we have a good marriage now doesn’t protect us from ending up with a bad marriage down the road.  I know — because I’ve seen it happen, over and over again.

Most marriages end because of neglect. We just take it for granted that our spouse will always be there, that we’ll have time “next week.”  But more dangerous than unintentional neglect is the kind we do on purpose: we say things like “after the kids are grown” we’ll have time to invest in our marriage.

It’s one of the biggest traps we can fall into, this “for granted” trap. We take it for granted that

• Our marriage will always be strong
• Pornography will never be a problem
• Our husbands always “understand” how tired we are (so we don’t have the conversation)
• Adultery will not be part of our lives
• “Next week” things will get easier or slow down

Marriage matters. It’s important.  And we can’t just put this precious relationship on auto-pilot for extended periods of time and expect things to be okay.

But we do.  We forget that our marriages, like tender plants, need tending.

Yes, there are seasons where we need extra amounts of patience and grace.  (I’m in one right now, as we travel in our van from convention to convention with our kids.)

Yes, life is always changing–and we need to flex and change with it.

But let’s not take our marriages for granted. Let’s keep them strong and healthy – on purpose! Here are three ways we can keep your marriage strong through the seasons of quiet and busy that inevitably come:

• Be intentional about carving out time for each other – make time on purpose.
• Keep your finger on the pulse of your marriage (If the pulse is weak, pay attention!)
• Learn to speak each other’s love language.  (My husband responds best to me when I speak love in the language he understands best, and love it when he speaks to me in my love language!)

Marriage is a precious relationship – and we’re in it, for better or worse.

But never, never for granted.

Blessings on your marriage, busy mom!
heidi

Monday. Here we go again.

I don’t know about you but the older my kids get, the faster the days go.

Each day has it’s own challenges, but in many ways, the days are like each other: dishes, laundry, tidy up, discipline, train, teach.

This morning as I spent a little time in 1 Corinthians 3, I was reminded that God, who does all things well, knows exactly what I need for each day. He’s not fretting over the details, either. He’s simply waiting for me to do my part.

Allow me to paraphrase – meaning, this is what the Lord showed me as I was reading this beautiful passage today.

v.5-6  …the Lord has assigned to each his task. You and your husband plant and water the seed, but God makes it grow.”

Such a wonderful reminder! Don’t grow weary in doing good, busy mom.

Do your part today. Water, nurture, water some more.  Love your kids today. Praise them. Discipline them.

And then trust God.

Only God makes things grow.

“He makes all things beautiful … in His time.”
Ecclesiastes 3:11

In this blogging world there are so many great writers who have so much wisdom to share! I decided it’s time to invite some of them to share with my readers, so without further adieu  my first “Friday’s Friend,” Rebecca from Mom’s Mustard Seeds.

“If you would teach your kids better, they wouldn’t do that.”

Those words hurt as they were flung across asphalt. This Mama heart was in the midst of our third year homeschooling and the day the words were spoken, was the third anniversary of my Mom’s death.

I was devastated.

And those words ‘of not doing enough’ began to take root.

I began to believe them. As I read words from others, I saw how so many Moms live in what seems like a ‘ground hog day of motherhood’. Same failures, different days. Day after day – wake up, cry, feel pity, feel guilty, seek others, go to bed, cry- repeat. I enjoyed not being ‘alone’.

I began to realize little by little that I was not moving forward. I was not living each day for the one who created me. It hit me that I was living to overcome the words that were spoken. I was living in a ‘do’ mentality.

I was allowing the judgement and misunderstanding of one who does not know me drive me into a pit and eat away at my peace like a vulture.

Have you ever lived in that ‘do’ mentality? You know, the one where if you just ‘do’ this or you ‘do’ that, then your children will ‘do’ what they are supposed to ‘do’ and others will see that you are ‘doing’ the right thing and you’ll be loved and accepted.

But, that mentality of doing – is not where we are supposed to live.

We, as mothers, have a higher calling.

I found that calling late one night, as I curled up in a chair,wrapped in a blanket and tears poured down my cheeks.

The words I read provided my true worth and helped me to find my joy again. It was there, that I began to hear my Father, His words and His calling. He showed me the truth that while I have my own part to play, He is the one who works in me and I have to submit to His word and will:

“For it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” Phil 2:13 ESV

Which then took me down a path of identifying what that looks like in my life, as his child – being the wife and mother he created me to be. Not the person, mom or wife others think I should be. Their thoughts and misunderstandings only lead me down the right path when they are founded on his word. But, it’s up to me, truly to find it and bury it in my heart.

First, I am a wife. I want to be a wife of noble character. I desire to be an excellent wife. These things are not something I can truly be or do. But, I can set my eyes on the words of God – I can bury them in my heart and meditate on them. The more I do that, the more I will become the wife I was created to be – the wife I long to be…..

And then, I am a mother. In the world, motherhood has become less than a blessing. It is no longer lifted up as a position to be admired, but of one who is almost less than the lowest. I can’t keep my eyes on that. I refuse to be stuck in the monotony of a life that is less than ordinary. And I definitely do not want to to grab hold of the ground hog day mentality.

Oh, it’s easy to do – in the days of diapers and toys. The days of hormonal changes and car dashes here and there. But, our perception of truth can only be attained in the words of the Father. So, I pulled open the book and again, I sought words to guide and encourage me….

Download this printable here

To be a wife and a Mom in today’s world takes courage and perseverance. This is not an ordinary life and our love begins in our homes. But, we, Moms need to join together and grow friendships that are so beautiful that others see us and see the beauty of grace and mercy that only shines from the light of Christ. We need to learn how to disagree but get along, and embrace our differences – because we are all created by the one who created the world.

While we grab on to this life, we need to embrace the small moments with our family.

Being a wife and a Mom – it’s hard, but beautiful. Grab on and don’t miss out on the little things that matter most! There will be hard days and days that run so beautifully, we will forget the bad.

Will you join me? Let’s reach out, share the truth about the good and the bad. Let’s form a bond so close that even in the midst of the muck and mire the beauty of the Savior shines so bright it opens the eyes of those walking around with their heads down. It’s time….


Rebecca remarried the love of her life and witnesses the beauty of God’s Grace and Mercy every day of her life. Her goal is to immerse her children in God’s Love, Word, Grace and Mercy so that He is the One they seek to glorify in all of their works and deeds. She is a Project Manager by trade, climbed the corporate ladder, made that big pay check. Yet, God brought her home and she has found more joy and riches in the hugs and kisses, and yes, the tears and sweat, of being home and discipling her children than she ever found in the corporate world. The days can be long, but sitting at the foot of the cross with her children is beautiful, and she prays she will help raise up a new generation of leaders, shining the Lord’s light in our dark world. She cannot wait to encourage you in your Homeschool Journey. Find Rebecca on Facebook and Twitter and on her blog, Mom’s Mustard

If you’ve been hanging around my blog for a while, then you know that I am a follower of Jesus. I am here to bear witness to the healing power and awesome forgiveness of Jesus. I am also a woman who has been set free—and I don’t care who knows it. I was lost—and now I’m found… blind, and now I see!  I’m a new creation in Christ! It makes me want to shout and sing!

Some of you may have read a post I wrote some time ago, called “Broken.” I take such comfort in knowing that God thinks my “broken” is actually beautiful. It means I don’t have to have it all together. And it means that I can learn to love broken people like me.  Amy Grant once said, “Hard times come—and they’ll come til’ we’re done.”  Wise words.

Being in Christ doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days though. Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble!” Bummer. I don’t get a “pass” on suffering. But. Because I trust the Lord, and because I’ve experienced His faithfulness, I see a greater purpose in suffering. I’m learning to trust Him more every day, even when I don’t understand— I trust. ♥ This morning, I was reading in Psalms and one little verse popped out at me:

“God is present in the company of the righteous.” (Ps. 14)

I love that. God is present. He’s here! He listens. And He loves us.

In another Psalm (Ps 46), we read that God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Again—EVER present. God doesn’t sleep. He doesn’t get tired of us. He longs for an intimate relationship with us, because HE created us. He cares about the smallest detail—right down to our homeschooling and our marriages.

If you’ve experienced the healing power and forgiveness of Jesus, then you’ve got something to celebrate, no matter what life throws at you.  Even those two-year-old tempter tantrums become an exercise in grace, when we remember that God is present. It means that you can see your children through the eyes of grace.

Because once we’ve been forgiven—we forgive.

You’ve got a reason to to lace up your running shoes and run the race that’s been set before you today with endurance. Why? Because God’s running with you. He’s the best running partner ever. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. That means that before we take on someone else’s expectation today, we need to ask the Lord what His expectation is. Are you listening, busy mom?

God is.

Dear Heidi,

My husband is upset with me. We rarely talk anymore, except to discuss finances or other “necessary” things.  He is a good father and a wonderful man. I’m trying to be a good mother and wife, but my husband says he feels neglected. I honestly can’t help it! I’m too tired at the end of the day for sex most days—and even though I try to explain how much energy it takes to parent our four children and keep the house in decent order, he doesn’t get it. I know we feel more like roommates than lovers these days. But I don’t know what to do about it. Maybe I’m wrong, but I really think my kids need my energy right now.  After they are grown, my husband and I will have all the time we want together.  My priority is our kids while they are little. How can I talk to my husband to help him understand this?”

You know, I get many letters like this each week. And I get it. Motherhood is demanding. It’s often 24/7, diapers, dishes and discipline. It’s enough to bring a woman to her breaking point. That’s part of the reason I’m so passionate about moms encouraging other moms.  We need each other! Only a mother can truly understand the demands and pressures of another mother.

But here’s the thing: we can’t let motherhood rob us of one of life’s greatest blessings—and that’s a healthy marriage.  I’ve often said that I believe the marriage comes before mothering. I’ve taken some heat for it, because some take that to mean that I don’t care about the kids.  This is not the case. Here’s why:

The marriage is the primary relationship at home. Many moms believe that their children should come first; after all their husbands are grownups! I understand the reasoning behind this, but I believe it’s based in a misunderstanding of God’s design for marriage.

The intent of the mom who puts her children before her marriage is noble, but it lacks vision for the greater picture of a truly healthy family.

Have you ever heard a flight attendant as she instructs passengers before take off? She’ll say something like, “In the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, SECURE YOUR MASK FIRST BEFORE ASSISTING YOUNGER PASSENGERS.” This is because everyone knows that if the parents pass out from lack of oxygen, the child is rendered defenseless in most cases.

Your marriage is a lot like this situation. Think of nurturing your marriage in the same way you might think of securing an oxygen mask to yourself and your husband. Breathe life into your marriage every day. Keep your marriage physically and emotionally healthy.

If we create a child-centered home to the neglect of our marriage and the marriage falls apart, or if we only give the marriage 50% of the oxygen it needs, the marriage will suffer. And the children of that marriage will suffer too.

So yes, love your children fiercely. Teach them. Discipline and train them. Nurture them.

But love your spouse FIRST. Your spouse should get the best part of you. Healthy relationships with our children flow out of healthy, thriving marriages. The best thing a busy mom can do for her children is to love their father.

Precious mom, take time to recharge your inner batteries.  You need to have something left for your husband at the end of the day. Give yourself an hour of quiet time each day to shower, read, nap, or tidy up (if that’s what relaxes your heart and mind). I’ve been doing “quiet time” for years.  Quiet time just means that the kids are either reading in their rooms or napping, or watching a movie quietly. The point is: do what you need to do to refresh your spirit.  The days of mothering are long but the years go by fast.  Be sure your marriage is thriving when your nest is empty.

The investment you make in your marriage today pay dividends far into the future. Your marriage is worth investing in!

Broken. It’s the word I use the most when people ask me who I am.

Broken.

I’m a mess, really.  Memories linger, but with little time to process them. Laundry abounds. Dinner calls. I’m often short-tempered. I’m often frustrated by things that carry no eternal significance.

I often forget how truly blessed I am. 

The Liar is tricky. He whispers “What do you have to offer? Look how broken you are.”  And yes I am. I must confess. I often have more questions than answers.

I wonder. Will my children be broken like I am broken? In my heart I know they will.  Because, really, we’re all broken. That’s why we need a Savior. We do the best we can, in our brokenness. I have found myself crying out to God as I carry the weight of the “what ifs” in life … and I must daily learn (again) to yield to God what I cannot control.

I make the mistake of scanning Facebook. More things that remind me. We.Are.Broken.  I try not to feel overwhelmed. There is much to do. Much that my heart aches for in this broken world.

In my brokenness, I’m learning to see something beautiful. I’m learning that being broken is its own kind of beautiful. Being broken means that I don’t have to struggle with the pain of perfectionism (although I still sometimes do.)

Being broken provides a freedom all it’s own—because there can be no glass houses for broken people. No need to compare brokenness. After all, we are all broken the same. Different kinds of broken—but still broken.

Being broken means I am in need of constant repair—and so I find myself at the feet of the One who heals—again.

There is strength there.

My husband touches my hand. He tells me (again) me how cherished I am.

He reminds me that our children will learn from our brokenness. I love this strong, gentle man. He is a gift. Part of my healing. He tempers me.

I need that.     … You too?

Broken people carry a beauty all their own. And broken people who know they have been redeemed—bought with a price—are radiant with a light that transcends the pain of this life.

Very little in this life compares to the beauty the comes from brokenness.  The beauty that comes from ashes —is available to me. And you.

As the news plays in the background, and the weight of this life threatens to overwhelm, I claim the gift of brokenness. I claim it to find healing, and peace. I claim it for the one thing I cannot find without being broken. I claim it for grace. I claim it today, again.

Grace.

Grace in my brokenness — healing.

Praise the Lord.

{Our oldest daughter, who was 16 when I wrote this, is now a married 21 year old woman. Time flies.}

May, 2007
Time Flies.

The other day, I overheard a “celebrity” being interviewed on TV as I prepared dinner for our family.  The questions seemed to center on her public life, and then, one question got my attention.

“If you could only say one thing to young mothers who are raising their children, what would it be?” asked the reporter.  The woman thought for just a moment and replied, “Life is not a dress-rehearsal.  You only get one shot at raising your kids.  Don’t mess it up.”

Her voice cracked slightly, and I heard the familiar sound of missed opportunity in her tone. I wondered why.  By all appearances, she had the “perfect” life. Beautiful children, lots of money, handsome husband. I put down my paring knife to focus on the remainder of her short interview.  It turned out that she was estranged from two of her children.  She lamented the fact that while she was raising her children, she and her husband spent so much time cultivating a “perfect” family, that they did not develop a relationships with their children that would last.  It only looked good on the outside.   And now, it was too late to start over.  The time for raising her children had passed.  She could only warn other mothers not to walk down the same path she had gone down.  The time for sowing seed had passed.  The harvest was in.

It is hard to hear those kinds of words.  My heart hurt for this mom.  Naturally, I thought of my own children.  Our oldest is nearly 16 – and it seemed that it

My husband, dancing with our youngest daughter at our oldest daughter’s wedding in August of 2012

was just yesterday when we were holding her in our arms, in awe of her perfect features and scared to death that we wouldn’t do everything “just right”.  I thought of my grandmother, who remarked to me just a few months after grand-daddy died that she was amazed at how fast her life had gone by.  Grandma said to me, “Heidi, the best thing you will ever do in this life is to love your husband and to raise your children to love and serve the Lord.  Don’t let the world fool you into thinking that having children is anything less than the best thing you’ll ever do.”   She should know.

I recently spoke to a group of women in Washington about the blessing of motherhood.  It seems odd to me that many Christians have bought into the world’s way of looking at children. It must grieve the heart of God when we think of our children as anything less than a gift straight from the heart of the Creator Himself.

The Bible is full of stories of amazing moms who understood their worth before the Father.  God’s word stresses the importance of mothers!  In Exodus 2 we read about Jochebed, the mother of Moses.  She protected her son, even putting her own life in peril, and then entrusted him to the Lord.  Eunice, the mother of Timothy, instructed her son in the knowledge of the scriptures and he went on to write one of the most amazing books in the New Testament. II Tim. 1:3-5; 3:14,15

In the United States today, mothers are under enormous pressure to conform to the world’s view of children.  Radical Feminism has devalued motherhood in a quest for “greater meaning” and “true identity”. But God sees things much differently.

The world says: “Children are a burden.”
God says, “Children are a blessing.”

The world says, “Try not to have more than two or three children. ”
God says, “Blessed is the man who has many children!”

The world says, “Children get in the way.”
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to ME.”

The world has diminished the high-calling of motherhood to little more than a “stop-over” on the highway of life.

But God says that a wife of strong character is rare – she is worth far more than jewels!  (Prov. 31.10)

If you are a mother, you have an amazing opportunity every day to shape the future. As a homeschooling mom, you have even more time to influence the lives of your precious children.  Homeschooling provides endless opportunities to teach your children about God’s love for them!  Mom, your job is so important!  You have been given the privilege of weaving a fabric of family life using the truth of God’s word to impact the lives of your children… and ultimately this fabric will be a beautiful tapestry that will bear witness to the power and love of the Lord Jesus as your children walk with the One who created them in your womb.

I’m glad I was reminded of the fact that life is not a dress-rehearsal.  I’m thankful that my grandmother loves the fact that Jay and I chose to have a family that doesn’t fit the “worlds” mold very easily.  The time does pass quickly.   Let’s redeem the time God has given us to influence these precious children for the Glory of God.  It’s an investment that yields a harvest of joy that will continue into eternity.

Redeem the time you’ve been given,
heidi st. john 

Use this graphic … give it to your man!

Good morning moms! So Fridays are the busiest day of the week over here. We have our co-op at First Class and then it’s errand day. I like to get lots of things done on one day. It’s one of the ways I save my ever-so-fragile sanity. )
…
Just wanted to pop in and remind you to LOVE THAT MAN OF YOURS! Remember, you’re THAT GIRL! I’m putting the bookmark up again from last week, in case you missed it—so you’ve got ALL DAY to copy this, text it, paste it on your husband’s wall, email it … or…. my favorite: tape it to the shower head.

Have a great day! Keep the home fires burnin’! It’s worth it!

Investing in your marriage is the BEST thing you can do for your children … and it’s good for you and hubby, too.    Marriage is a gift!

Enjoy it

Love,

Heidi